1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
6. My reality check bounced.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
8. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
9. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
10. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
13. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
17. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
18. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
19. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
20. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
21. Following the rules will not get the job done.
22. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
23. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
24. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
25. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
26. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
27. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
28. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
29. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
30. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
31. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
32. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
33. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
34. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
35. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
36. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
37. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
38. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
39. Everybody lies, but is doesn't matter since nobody listens.
40. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
41. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
42. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
43. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
44. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
45. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
46. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
47. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
48. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
49. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
50. Is there another word for synonym?
51. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
52. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
53. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
54. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
55. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
56. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
57. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
58. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
59. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
60. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
61. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
62. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
63. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
64. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
65. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
66. How is it possible to have a civil war?
67. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
68. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
69. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
70. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
71. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
72. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
73. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
74. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
75. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
