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"It was pretty intense."
"Yeah, for a minute there, I thought you were going to make an expression."
--Oz, Xander-"Earshot" (explanation of my title)
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Expressing
What is it about Willow Rosenberg that makes everyone around her fall helplessly in love with her? Is it her beautiful red hair, her pale skin? Is it her sweet innocence that reminds you of a child? Or is it her smile-that beautiful, sweet, illuminating smile? That smile that makes my heart stop and my lips curl up into a smile of my own.
Gotta be the smile.
Or maybe it's her voice-girly, sometimes soft, sometimes a little confident. She has such an adorable voice-so sweet. Everything about her is sweet. Even her name, Willow. Willow, Willow, Willow. It's the perfect name. Perfect name for a perfect girl.
At least I thought she was perfect. No. No, she <is> perfect. It can't be her fault, not <all> her fault, anyway. Seeing Willow and Xander kissing...
<We're not even gonna go there again> I tell myself. But how can I not? It's what's been plaguing my heart and my mind for these agonizing days since I found them. I don't even know how long it's been; I can't eat or sleep, let alone keep track of a dumb thing like time. Time doesn't matter as long as I have Willow. But do I have her anymore? Judging from the look on her face after Cordelia and I discovered her with Xander, I don't think she's all ready to dump me for him.
The bumbling idiot. I never really liked Xander. First-before I actually knew him-I hated him because of Willow. I had seen her several times before I actually uttered a word to her, and I saw Willow, Buffy, and Xander together, seen the friendship they all had. I saw the way Willow looked at Xander. It was completely obvious that she loved him. In a more then friendly way. I hated him because I could tell that she was miserable by his oblivion towards her, and it hurt me to see that on her face. Later, I hated
him because of his jealousy toward me as Willow and I built an actual relationship. Like he had a right to be jealous. What did he want, just to keep Willow as his best friend, locked in a loveless cage with him while he pined for Buffy and made out with Cordelia? Willow didn't deserve that-no one did.
I stopped hating him after he started to accept me. I couldn't hate him after that anyway, because he wasn't hurting Willow anymore. Which was a very good thing. But seeing them in the factory...
No tears. I'm not going to cry. I <can't> cry-I'm Oz. I'm a guy. I'm the...detachment guy or something. I don't cry.
Another flashback of Willow and Xander shoots into my head and I have to surrender. Tears flow freely down my cheek. Why do I have to love her? She makes me feel, makes me experience emotions that I didn't even know I had. I sniff and wipe my tears away roughly. God, I just want to die. I can't live without Willow-it's unthinkable. There's just no way. But I... I don't know.
Rage and hate and love builds up in me as I yell and throw my guitar across the room.
Whoa. Where did that come from?
Answering my own questions. Definitely a ticket to therapyland.
Whatever. I ignore my inner babbling-<Christ, I'm turning into Xander>--and grab a lamp. I throw it up against the wall.
It breaks. Stress is relieved.
Interesting.
Suddenly, I stop with all my trademark Oz comments-<Thoughts, not comments>-and just feel. There's a light inside that's blinding me, and I just yell and scream and sob and throw. Whether this is the werewolf inside me or regular human emotion, I don't know. After I run out of things to break, I just stop. The tears quit flowing, I stop sobbing. I just sit calmly on my bed and think.
No Willow = Violence
Xander and Willow = Bad
Me and Willow = Good.
Forgiveness = Good.
There. Decision made.
I need to take her back. <Now.>
