Willow walked quietly through the sun-light cemetary, carefully sidestepping old flowers and crumpled ribbons. Seeing her destination directly ahead of her, she quickened her pace, realizing that she had just enough to time to get to Oz's house before sunset. Reaching inside her pocket, she withdrew a thick envelope. Taking a deep breath, she placed it on a slightly-weather worn grave. Tracing the lettering on the headstone carefully, she placed a single sunflower next to the envelope:

****

Dear Jesse:

I'm sorry it's been so long since the last time I came to talk to you. As you probably know, there have been a lot of wacky things happening here in Sunnydale...but that's no excuse for not visiting sooner. It's hard to come and see you, because it makes me remember you, and that makes me sad. I mean, I have lots of great memories of the things we did, but knowing that I'll never get to see you laugh again makes my heart break all over again.

I'm still amazed with the person I've become. Although I guess you don't realize change until the period of enstrangement and evolving is over and done with. If someone had told me four years ago that I would be the person I am today...well, let's just say I wouldn't have handled it well. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but it's something that I've had to grow with, and accept. Situations change, people move on, and you just have to deal. Wow, witness me sounding like something off a psychic hotline...

I think it all started when Buffy showed up. Up until that point, I wasn't totally aware that there was anything wrong with the way I was living. Sure, I knew that I wasn't exactly the highlight of social stature at Sunnydale High School, but I was content with what I had...or in other words, with Xander.

Buffy seemed so different from...well, everyone! She was like a bright, shining light, that gave me hope. She believed in me, and gave me courage to do things that I never would have dreamed of doing otherwise. Buffy is such a strong person, and not just in the physical sense. Most of the population would have caved in if they had to deal with the everyday forces she does, but to her...it's life. Her relationship with Angel has never been what you could describe as normal, but she doesn't seem to care. I used to be so jealous of what they had.Not of the fact that he was a vampire, or even that she got to have smoochies with the man she loved...just jealous of their connection. When they were together, it was obvious that they were in love, and that the views of everyone around them just..didn't matter.

It's inconceivable that I used to believe I loved Xander.Yeah, a part of mill will always love him, but not in the way I thought. One of the main reasons I've changed is because now I know this. realized it, I practically lived my life for Xander. I'd do his homework, and follow after him like a little lost puppy. The main problem with that is, I saw no harm in it. I was content to live in my little world, where Xander actually loved me back.

Then I met Oz. He seemed so different from the boys I'd associated with. More mature, maybe...but there was something else I couldn't place my finger on. He seemed to understand the feelings that I had for Xander, and apparantly cared enough about *me* to wait. That totally shocked me. I wasn't used to having someone care about me in 'that way'. After all, I'd been in love with Xander all my life. After being infatuated with someone who doesn't even realize you exist solely *for* him...Daniel Osbourne is quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

With Oz, I have a love like I've never known before. Yes, Xander loves me, but not in the way I need him to. He sees me forever as the little, pig-tailed girl he played with on the swings at the park...the girl whose barbie doll he stole when we were five. He loves who I used to be, not who I am now. Oz isn't like that. I just know that he'll love me through everything. It may seem conceited to put it that way, but it's really not...because I love him the same way. There's no way I can logically compare my feelings for Oz to the ones I used to have for Xander.

They are two totally different people, and I've grown from knowing them both.

Finding out that he was a werewolf affected the usually calm Oz more than he liked to show. I could see it in his eyes, though, and it worried me. Thankfully, he dealt with it. I can't believe he thought *I* didn't want to be with him anymore because of it. Our talk after he found out was totally adorable, and made me care about him even more. Oz is one of those thoughtful people, the type that you feel incredibly lucky to know, and even more lucky to love...but I'm rambling.

I knew that my little..fluke..with Xander was completely wrong...I think that's why I did it. I was tired of being the 'good child'. After being stereotyped my entire life, I wanted to break free. Of course, it didn't hurt that the Xander I'd always loved was actually returning my feelings. It happened so quickly that I didn't really think about it until it was all over. I felt guilty, and more than anything else, I felt helpless. I had become, in my own eyes at least, one of those people you see on Jerry Springer with five boyfriends at a time. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had. When Oz and Cordelia found us in the factory, kissing, I thought my life was going to be over. The look that Oz had on his face made my heart break. He's usually so unemotional, but it was written all over his face. He was hurt...alot.

He was right about the entire situation. As Always. He knew that I was only trying to make myself feel better, ease a little of my pain, by asking him to talk about it. In reality, neither of us were ready to deal with it. He still needed time and so did I. The time that I went without Oz was the worst. It made me realize exactly what I'd had with him that was so special. The way he would smile at me, the way he'd let me cry on his shoulder when Buffy was gone, and the way he never seemed to care what everyone else thought about me. To him, I was special. When he said he'd give me another chance, I was so ecstatic. This time, I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I'd let him know exactly how special he was. I admit, those first few times were a little awkward, especially after my little 'attack' on him on Christmas Eve. It was like we had to get to know each other all over again, but personally, I was willing to try...and so was he.

I respect Oz for not taking advantage of what I offered him on Christmas. At first I felt rejected, but then I realized that he was sincere. In that minute, he proved to me once again, exactly how much he cared about me. He made me feel loved. I fell even more in love with him.

We've been through so much together since then, even though it's been a short amount of time. The prom was just incredible, not because of the whole formal-ness of it, but because I was with him...he made the experience better just by being there. His casualness, his near-tears during 'We Are Family'...and his incredibly sexy smile, made me realize how incredibly lucky I was. He helped me keep my cool, which is something he does a lot. Through this whole Mayor thing, he's been the calm one...until the night before graduation that is.

So, I think that brings you up to the present, or at least up to that night. I can't begin to describe how incredible it actually was. To just...be with him..is incredible, this was beyond everything I've ever experienced, and I know that if it had been with anyone other than Oz, it wouldn't have been as special. I know he's always been a gentle person, but he surpassed that last night. Oz made me, in one moment, realize that there are some things in life you can't take for granted. You have to try. Our relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm a stronger person because of it. Four years ago, I would have never imagined myself falling in love with a guitarist. The thought wouldn't have crossed my mind. I know that I can do things spontaneously, to some degree, and it's okay. More importantly though, I know that someone does love me...not for any superficial reason, just for the simple fact that I'm me...I'm Willow, and I don't have to be anyone else.

Are you tired of my rambling, yet? This letter has actually been longer than I originally intended for it to be, but I had a lot of catching up to do. I'm sure that to a lot of people, this is crazy..writing a letter to someone who will never physically be able to read it...but I'd like to think that somewhere, you can read it..and I know that wherever you are, you understand me totally. Xander sends his love...and I'm sure he'll come to visit you soon, too. It's hard for him, for both of us, which I'm sure you know. Take care of yourself Jess...

Love,
Willow

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