RA tha 0ne
Chief of Propaganda
Linx
00000000
sick.
https://www.angelfire.com/ky2/freelance/
https://www.angelfire.com/ky2/freelance/
eyeamtha0ne@aol.com
have money to spend. gain possessions until the bitter end. I want, I want, I want TECHNOLOGY even though I've been poor so long, I don't know what is going on I need to get an education Yet I remain in the workplace and on myspace is anybody out there? does anybody care? do I need to really get out on a limb to get a little feedback? or do I just need a microphone live and a monitor turned up too loud I can get too close to.. Don't even sing anymore, or write music. these links are ancient history, it's too late; they should all be erased I need to be updated I have hated not being able to speak my mind but I'm getting drunk and it's been a long time and I'm about to delete all the old links that nobody looks at cuz nobody knows I exist and nobody listens but I am the weak silent type with no self esteem who has joy inside but refuses to feel anything so I hide for a moment and pour out my heart while the world always threatens to tear it apart and I can't seem to go on or deal with the shit cuz there's too much of it and it's so far away, all I can feel is negativity and pain, and it's not right cuz I know that I am in denial of how good it is too be me and instead I am caught in this whirlwind of self-pity, pathetic and old, do as you're told, can't you hear, that I need a real career, and I have something to prove, and I won't be silenced, even though I am oppressed as an artist, but there will be more, than ever before, and I will realize my dreams, in this world where nothing is what it seems... wipe tha slate clean, you know what I mean? and start over new. for you, the few.
woa, this picture is BIG!
Think I might be losin' it, if I ever really had it, as if I even know what 'it' is. Run my sentences on and on and can't even cope with life as we know it. Can't understand when your talking to me.. I hear you but I'm 'not listening,' or I never remember anything. My head is in pain, my emotions are spent, my energy lost, my feelings are numb. Not even making sense. Begin again to make music with my voice and sing. This means everything. Writing/typing poetry is key, no time at all, should be watchin movies, but there's no late fees so my mind's at ease. Don't wanna tease if I don't aim to please. My drive hit the brakes, I'm fading awake, I'm faking like I know my place, catch the beat-down every day, this or that way.. I ain't playin,' it's gay, okay? Nothing to say, just rhymin to fill up space, killin time (BE BACK IN A MINUTE-)
CHRONIC FATIGUE. Depression, lack of energy, unbalance with my schedule, want to sleep while I must be awake, wide awake when I should be asleep.. Guess I'm a freak. WE ARE GETTING A CAR. My van, silver and shiny and mine, for me to pay for, what's in a name on a loan?
(A moment's tranquility)
I am a very bad person, a worthless scum sucking parasite who is obtuse enough to maintain an overinflated sense of self-absorbed egotistical narcicism.. I don't desearve my blessings and take them all for granted. Here I am 1:11 AM and I am awake, my eyes are burning, my head aches and my face is puffy from me hitting myself when I had another mental breakdown earlier.. Those are almost becoming routine. Just gets worse all the time.
God, maybe I'm just a really negative person. So I just went off about A.I. (not artificial intelligence in the email to my homeboy, and I realized I've been sitting here going off for a half and hour so before I sent it away I copied it and I'm pasting it here for general viewing. Disclaimer: well, I apologize.
Oh, no you didn't just get me started on American Idol. Yup, it's totally whack. I guess you must have caught on my page that I tried out at Denver auditions; it was the year they came here, so not this season but the last. Two people made it on the show from the Denver tryout, and Chris Daughtry was one of em but neither were from Colorado. I really shouldn't be going there, I could go on and on about this.. but I'll try to describe my experience with you in a nutshell.. a very large nutshell. So where to begin... the process. The way it actually works when you go try out is like this: you will be one in a crowd of thousands. For us it was at Invesco Field. We ended up outside in the cold waiting for hours in line during the wee hours of the morning. Then they finally herded us (like sheep, or cattle) to the steps where they did some group shots of all of us yelling shit like, "I'm the next American Idol," and "We'll be back... after the break." Yeah. Anyhoo, I'll skip some of the details and tell you the procedure. Day 1 of auditions consists of thousands of people in the stands and they clear out one section at a time, and lead you down on the field in groups of four, and you go in your groups to 14 tents lining the far side of the field where preliminary judges await in sets of 2. They tell you to sing, one at a time, until they tell you to stop. You take turns, singing accapela, a song of your choice, and just about EVERYBODY got sent home. Here's the thing, I was there, and I was in the last section to go, and I was walking around all day and you could hear everybody practicing and I can tell you that almost everybody was awesome. I heard like 2 bad singers all day. The Denver tryout episode was cut down to half an hour and the theme seemed to be that "The judges couldn't find any talent in Denver." Well here's the kicker: That was just round 1. If the preliminary judges pick you, you have to come back the next day and make an appearance to the producers. Now, if the producers hand-pick you on the second day, then you come back on day 3 and go to an undisclosed location to be seen by Randy, Simon, and Paula. I think the reason they aren't coming back to Colorado is because we were too real for 'em and I know for a fact that people were getting angry and speaking their minds to the judges that day about how it was total bullshit. Basically it seems to me that they are more concerned with finding bad singers to humiliate on TV than they are truly scouting for a great, original artist, and I have concluded that it's not for me. Sure it's my dream, of sorts, to sing but I believe that I should, that I must, make my own way if I am to succeed and that means forming a killer band.
I'd like to thank the academy. You love me! You really love me!!
Don't know what's gonna happen next. Don't know where to move. Don't know where to go, what to do. Got my kids. Got my woman. So glad I'm not alone.
Fuck the world. The shit is hitting the fan. The shit storm needs to clear and to stop following me around. That's my money, so suck my dick! Fucking lawyers, you can't garnish my wages AND freeze my account! Cock suckers. Is everyone out to get me? Should I be more paranoid cuz they really are after me? Did I just drop my guard so they saw I was vulnerable? Nobody gives a fuck, motherfuckers need to DIE.
I'm losing my FUCKING MIND. It's lost. I hate myself for not having the guts to cut myself up. I gotta do something, guess all I can think up other than slamming doors is coming in here to write poetry. My soul's ripped apart. I have no soul anyway. No heart for my beautiful kids I am inadequate to love so my wife says my kids will hate me until the day I die. I wish I could die, I wish it could be that easy. I wish I could be that selfish to take that forbidden path to the end. But I am a wuss. I can't take the heat. I can't even deal with reality. I say I'm depressed because of the situation, but really I'm just too pathetic to even deserve to live. I am a scum sucking parasite, too proud to hear the truth, so I lash out before it can hurt (defense mechanism). Yeah, I am a brilliant artist and a musical prodigy. Sure. Oh, I am god's gift to women. I'd like to think so. I hate you. I hate myself. I love my kids so rip out my heart. I deserve only to suffer and perish. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, just pretend I don't exist. I am nothing but a failure and a total loser, right?
Don't pull no punches; I go strait for the jugular. That'll teach you to love me unconditionally. And I'm like a bad actor when I tell you that I don't mean what I say. But this negativity somehow means something.. I'm sure of this but I don't know what it is and I don't know what any of this means. I'm just being mean. We are, in some weak attempt at coming clean.-