I thought that one precious moment would last forever. I held you in my arms and you were safe, I was whole. I was so confused, but you made me feel a protection that I only felt when I was with you. From the first time I saw you to when you told me to close my eyes and kissed me I felt so safe that noting could touch me.
I didn’t know, understand why or what was going on. I was all fuzzy, jumbled. I now know everything. I recall the things I said the things I did. (Oh God Jenny! I’m so sorry). To take back everything would give me some peace. But here I can’t and have no peace. This is my punishment for what I did you and everyone in your life. I sorry. I know those words would never be enough, but it’s all I can say beside that I love you and the others were my family.
I can’t tell you what pain I feel in the place called Hell. It is my home now I hope that somehow I can get out someday. But if I do I can’t bear the thought that I hurt you. I would die a thousand deaths if it would that a shred of pain away from you. But if for one chance God ,fate , anything or anyone should happen to smile down on me and let me be with you again I would be the happiest person on the face of the Earth. To be in your arms again I would give it all up.
But I don’t look to getting out. A part of me doesn’t want to, that part want to never see you again because it would just bring pain. And I never want or wanted you to be in pain. Right now I hate myself. I hate the demon inside me.
But I know hating my self won’t ease my pain or the pain I’ve caused you. Nothing I ever do will make the pain go away. Maybe me being here will ease the anger and hate you might have for me. I long to see you face, I don’t sleep so all I do is think of you and all that I have done. Why didn’t you kill me right when my soul was taken away so I could have caused less pain. I would have still came here. (I’m damned, remember?)
I’m so sorry I will never be able to tell you how much, it can’t be described. You were my reason to keep on living. For the last century and a half I welcomed death, until that day. Two years ago in LA I saw you talking with friends, meeting your first watcher, slaying your first vampire, and the pain in your eyes as you cried about the fighting between your parents. You didn’t know it but I watched and waited until the day we meet. From then on I loved you like no other being could.
When you died at the hands of the master I felt such utter torture, that I wasn’t there to protect you. (Thank God for Xander!) Speaking of Xander, I know he loves you very much and would give up his life for you, like I would. The way I felt when you danced with him was indescribable, I felt anger, jealousy, fear of losing you even though you weren’t mine to lose, hate, hurt. All feelings that I have felt in the past, but they seemed so new to me.
When you told me you didn’t love Xander part of me was relived but there was still the mater that he could be there when I couldn’t, to see you in the sunlight, go to school with you and hear your jokes and complaints. I longed for all these thing, I still do.
That frat party, (Grrr), I was so upset that you were in danger and I was one of the reasons you went killed me. I had to go protect you. I wanted to rip that Tom guy’s throat out, but I was sure you would get mad if I did.
(Ford). I knew something wasn’t right about him, I didn’t want you to get mad if I said something that wasn’t true. And to tell you about Drusilla, (That tore at me for weeks. When I saw the hurt in your eyes. Oh, I wish I didn’t say that to you.) But as they say the truth hurts. And the hurt in your eyes when you spoke of your friend when he was change. “We can come back later. (Come back of what)? The body” I know that hurt you.
(The Bounty Hunters). I hated every last one of them, for wanting to hurt you. I even wanted to hurt Kendra as she talked about how she was going to find you and I would fry while she did it. I had no idea she was a slayer. But worst of all was the torture by Drusilla. But something inside me said that you would come save me. (My brave light of sunshine). You helped me and then my love grew stronger with every thought of you.
(Your Birthday. What a way to turn 17). I was going to leave you I didn’t want to but I had to keep you safe. I sometimes think if I did go, this would have never happened. You would not hurt and I would not be in hell thinking of all the times I hurt you. I would be on a boat somewhere thinking about how much I love you and hope to be with you soon. (The ring). I still where it. I don’t know why I did when my soul was taken away. I guess a part of me still loved you so much, it wouldn’t let the demon take it off. I hope you still have yours and even where it some times. Never blame yourself for what happened to my soul and you should have killed the demon in my body, so it could have caused no more pain to you and your friends.
(Jenny Calendar. I wish to God that I never done that. Poor Giles). I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me for that. I don’t think he should! I deserve to hurt. You never did. All your life there was pain and meeting me just added to the load.
(Akathla.) How I hate him. I was going to send you and the whole world to Hell. I wish you had killed me before I pulled the sword out. (God... I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.) When my soul was returned, the first thought was you. I was happy but confused. You were in my arms, you told me to close my eyes, I obeyed. The next thing I knew a rush of pain went over my body. I opened my eye to see what was going on. All I saw was you with such pain in your eyes. I reached out for you and whisper your name. I didn’t know what was going on. I was being pulled into darkness. Into the place, Hell, My Hell.
I don’t hate you. I can’t I love you too much. I’ll always love you. Never blame yourself ever again for the things that happened to me I want you to be happy. I’ll stay here and suffer think of my angel and the things I have done to her. Remember that you made me whole and I love you more than anything.
