Come away, O human child!
to the waters of the wild
with a faery hand in hand,
for the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand...
- W.B. Yeats
oceania_blue@hotmail.com
Dealing with a loved one's pain is never easy. It's necessary to be understanding, stable, and offer steady support, but sometimes it's easy to allow their pain to overwhelm you. Here are some tips for how you can cope as a secondary survivor. Please remember, if they're putting more on you than you can handle, you have the right to tell them this is too much and take a break for a while. You don't do them or yourself any good by forgetting yourself. If you crumble under the weight on your shoulders, how can you help lift your friend up? These are tips for taking time out, remembering yourself, and relaxing again.
Take a warm, scented bath
This is recommended especially for nighttime, when the world sleeps and the comfort of dark envelopes the world like a cool blanket. Relaxing in warm water, feeling your pores open, inhaling the scent of lavender or rain, can be very healing and magical. The act of taking time out to bathe puts you and your needs in front of your mind, and may help you put your loved one's needs in perspective.
Dance
This is a wonderful way to release energy trapped inside of you. Whether its in your bedroom by yourself or at a crowded club with friends, by dancing you can let out pain, fear, and loss in your movements. Let the music guide your body, or, if there is no music playing, allow the notes inside you to come out as you move. If you feel the need to dance and you know it would be safe to do so, don't let anything stop you. Also I have found dancing can change my mood. The pumping of adrenaline releases pheromones in your brain, creating feelings of pleasure.
Create
Recently I have begun making art projects ranging from collages to books to clothes as I undertake a spiritual journey of realizing my own worth and value as a human being. I have found doing so helps me focus on my emotions, and allows my thoughts to take on a more meditative, reasoning perspective. Art projects help me understand myself better and my own struggles as well as those of my friends. Taking quiet time by yourself to make something puts you in tune with the world around you, and later on you have something you can look back on and say, "I did that. I added beauty to the world."
Scream
Several years ago I was walking in a parking lot with some friends to my car. We had left a restaurant and were discussing what we would do next when I suddenly, without apparent reason, screamed at the top of my lungs and flung my keys across the asphalt. I was amazed at the burst of energy this gave me and the feeling that I had let go of, at least temporarily, something weighing me down.
Write
Be it poetry, stories, or just your name over and over, writing can help you attain balance. Stream of consciousness writing is when you don't think or block, just allow your hand to move pen across paper. This lets you express emotions inside that you may otherwise be unaware of, and you can look back and see where you are inside a little better and maybe how stable you are.
Read
Whether it's a book on helping yourself, others or just a good fiction novel you can get lost in, reading relaxes your body, exercises your mind, and teaches you about life and the world. A good book can be a great reward for surviving a difficult day.
Walk
Walking exercises muscles in your legs, thighs, buttocks and upper body while reducing physical stress. Try to walk at least once every day, even if it's just a few blocks. If you can, take nature walks and hikes, or find a place that you want to visit everyday and walk there. Walking not only cares for your body, it helps you mentally become aware of your surroundings. When walking, try to notice the air around you, the scent of the trees, the feel of the ground beneath your feet. Imagine the depth of the earth, all the way down to the core and the lava. See the sky, and imagine the space beyond it, the stars, the earth as it must look from far away. Notice the wind, the birds, the houses. By noticing and thinking of these things, you not only become more in-tune with the world around you, you also learn to see things in perspective and perhaps realize what is now needed of you and what you can provide.
Listen
This is very important. I recently was lying in bed, wondering why it feels like no one talks to me like they used to. I realized I had been very intent on myself, to the extent that I didn't listen to them or really anything. At that moment, I decided to start. I opened my ears to the wind blowing outside, the sound of rain on my rooftop, the noise of my sister's breathing as she slept nearby, and I allowed these sounds to fill my ears as I relaxed my mind, stopped thinking and just heard. Try to do an exercise like this at least ten minutes a day, if you feel you aren't hearing your friends or yourself. Listening to the world, hearing the silence, enables you be more aware of who you are and what the world is. Also, if you know how to listen, people will want to talk to you.
Paint
I have never been much of an artist when it comes to painting or drawing. However, when I felt most drowning in others' pain, I picked up the watercolors I had received for a Christmas however many years back. At first I made nothing more than angry splashes of color, expressing rage at the world and myself. Later, I began to create shapes and pictures, expressing the pain I felt attacking me when I had thought the world was safe. Painting helped me express things on paper words couldn't, and I found myself relieved after. Relieved to see the tangle inside me reflected on paper, and it didn't matter whether it was beautiful or well drawn. It was my emotion, and beyond judgment.
Music
Everyone has at least one song that, when heard, makes their heart dance and their body sing. This can change with mood and thoughts, but music is and always has been an incredible source of beauty and inspiration. If you feel inclined, playing instruments and writing songs is another way to show yourself what you are capable of and what the world is inside your heart. Don't be afraid to try.
If you have any suggestions for coping techniques, please, e-mail me.