The Thorn Within the Rose

For the crown of our life as it closes
Is darkness, the fruit there of dust;
No thorns as deep as the rose's,
And love is more cruel than lust.

--Algernon Charles Swinburne


oceania_blue@hotmail.com

For those of who have had lovers that suffered sexual violence, I offer this page. I hope it is helpful. There are many complicated aspects to any relationship, and for that reason, I cannot hope to address all the issues facing couples when one of them has been sexually abused. Instead, I focus on special issues for intimate partners, and hope you are able to get what help from it you need.

Balance of Power - In a healthy relationship of any kind, both parties involved are equals. Both contribute the same amount of emotions and energy into the relationship, and care about it equally. Neither partner feels superior or inferior to the other.

However, when either or both partners have been sexually abused, there is seldom an equality in the relationship. The prosurvivor may hold more power because the survivor, having been overpowered in the past, may unconsciously grant his/her partner more power over them. Prosurvivors may feel empowered and better about themselves when able to see their partner as weak and helpless in comparison. Likewise, the survivor can hold power when, having been taken from them in the past, they vow never to let it happen again. Survivors may become domineering, critical, overly sensitive, easily disappointed, angered or hurt because of their lack of trust in the world. It is important for both members of the relationship to look at themselves as individuals and their role in each other's life. It is easy for one partner to get into a power trip over the other, either to make up for lack of power in the past or because it is so easily granted. Remember to look at your own behavior for signs of dominance or submission, and the importance of being honest with yourself. If you deny your own behavior, the destructive circle of dominance will continue. For some couples, counseling may be recommended.

Sex - This is a difficult and key aspect of a relationship when one or more of the partners has been sexually abused. At the beginning of the relationship or before the abuse, sex may have been enjoyable, but later on, it can become a burden for the survivor, a source of rejection for the prosurvivor, and create a great deal of tension for both. Sex is meant to be an expression of love, bringing two partners closer together, but it is an emotionally loaded experience that may be hurtful to one or both of you. It is common for survivors to experience flash backs to when they were abused during sex, and mistake their partner for their abuser. Seeing the image of your face interchanging with that of their attacker is common, and may stir feelings of repulsion, fear and helplessness. Partners should be careful approaching sex, making certain that the survivor is okay with everything that's going on, nothing is progressing to fast or slow for her to feel comfortable with. Taking a time out from sex may be called for, if your partner has been recently abused or emotionally going through problems regarding sexuality and sex in general. Be aware of what's going on, ask questions, and be sensitive to your partner's needs as well as your own.

Another response survivors can have to being sexually abused is to become overly sexual. They may be able to convince themselves that if they willingly give themselves over sexually enough times, then when it was taken forcibly it no longer counts. In this case it becomes the partners responsibility to see what's going on and know that by having sex for this reason you only do more damage to the relationship. The survivor may feel like a body, working only to please you, and you may feel bewildered and upset, trying to figure out what is going on. You may think that since your lover initiates sex, it's what they want, when in fact they're doing so because they believe it's what you want. Talk things out with your partner, figure out what's going on for both of you, and what you both expect and get from sex. Understand that it may take several months before either of you is ready for sex to be a part of your relationship after your partner has been abused.

Helpful Tips - The recovery process can be difficult for both partners. I offer these tips to help you to better understand and deal with the issues facing you:

• Don't blame yourself - It's easy to mistake the pain, trauma, and distancing of your partner as somehow reflecting on you and being your responsibility. Remember that what your partner is going through has nothing to do with you or your relationship.
• Know that you are not alone - It's easy to feel alone and lost when dealing with the emotions brought about by the violation of someone close to you. An estimated 1/3 of all women and 1/5 of all men have been sexually abused in some way, so the number of friends and lovers of survivors is also high. If possible, get your lover's permission to discuss your feelings with someone else, chances are you know one or more people who also have friends and lovers that have survived sex abuse and have experienced things similar to what you're going through. Also look into support groups for prosurvivors and couples in your local area.
• Remember yourself - It's easy in dealing with the trauma of someone close to you to forget yourself and your own problems. Take time out for yourself, remember what's going on with you. Don't dismiss your own issues as unimportant in comparison with your lover's. And remember that it's okay for the two of you to still have fun together and not concentrate on the abuse. Take relaxing evenings together, plan enjoyable events for the two of you, and don't turn the abuse into the only thing you focus on as a couple.
• Say what you need - If you need more time spent talking about the abuse, or less, don't be afraid to tell your partner. Also, even if it's something as simple or small as a hug or an extra little cuddle to say you'll get through it together, be aware that it's okay to ask for it. Likewise, make certain that your partner knows it's okay to say what they need, and if they aren't forthcoming in stating what they need from you, ask if there's anything they need from you right then.
• Know your limits - Don't try to go beyond what you can handle, you'll only hurt yourself and your lover in such an attempt. Instead, be aware of how much you can handle of hearing about the abuse, helping your lover in crisis, and how these issues relate with your own problems. Make certain there are other resources available to your lover if she needs something you can't offer.
• Know you can't fix your lover's pain - One of the most difficult things lovers go through is dealing with the emotional trauma of their partner. Know you can't do more than she needs, and don't expect yourself to. It's not your job to be their doctor, but to be a steady support as your lover rides an emotional roller coaster toward healing.
• Know the risks of suicide - Both partners go through an intense amount of emotional trauma when one has been sexually abused, but it is especially difficult to the survivor. If you suspect your lover of being suicidal, find a professional or someone who knows how to handle suck situations. Make a personal commitment from your partner that, rather than commit suicide, she will seek out support from you, a friend, or professional instead of taking her life. Make it clear that you will be there for her, and help in the journey to regain a sense of personal control.
• Listen - One of the most important things lovers can do is LISTEN. Don't pretend to hear what she's saying while doing something else, your lover will pick up on this and feel hurt. Instead, concentrate on what's going on, and hearing the problems she's discussing with you. Don't try to fix things or make them better, rather acknowledge her feelings and give them room to be worked through.
• Work on rebuilding trust - Someone who has had their boundaries violated will have difficulty trusting the world. Your partner may love you, but have difficulty trusting you. Be certain you follow through on everything you promise, and make it clear you're going to stay. Make your expectations for yourself and the relationship clear, and honor them. Expect her to honor them too, for it is important for the survivor to find herself trustworthy. If she cannot trust herself, she will be unable to trust others.
• Provide reality checks - It is not uncommon for survivors to experience flashbacks to the abuse or emotions caused by it. Adult survivors may find themselves living in a surreal reality, feeling things they can't resolve with anything in their current life. It's important for you to make clear to your partner that you are not their attacker. Remind them of who you are, who they are, and where. Make certain they understand that they're safe now.

  Sources:

  Partners in Recovery

  Survivors and Partners