Date: 06/9/99 08:56:47 AM
Name: Lone Wolf
Email: rifttraveler@hotmail.com
Subject: My new silly story! also!
Okay, this story is an interesting combination of past and present. The beginning is most of my original silly story, but then it skews off into hitherto unexplored regions. Regions which, maybe, are better left unexplored. Well, I had to go there, cause I'm me. Anyway, here ya go. As I wrote, I made things up as I went along, hence the.. Well, you'll see...
Anyway, this story is about ten pages shorter then the story me and Jenn wrote for the Humor contest, so...
And no Serafelle, I didn’t make any of the corrections.
Enjoy!
The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and go, leaving memories that fade to legend, and legend fades to myth (The Fallen Lords!) and even Myth is long forgotten by the time the age that gave it birth comes round again. In an age called the third age by some, a wind arose in the mountans of mist. The wind was not the bginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.
The wind, incidentally, has nothing to do with this story.
At nine o clock at midnight at a quarter after three, Lone Wolf walked into the hall and bumped into a shapeless obstruction. He looked, but there was nothing there. A gray man! He drew his heron mark sword and swung, cutting through empty air. A hand fell down on his shoulder and spun him around.
A face materialized from nowhere. "Hello. My name is Stard. I'm a grey man and I'm here to inventory your place and see if it is up to White Tower standards."
"What? Of course it is and what kind of gray man inventories people?"
"Well, I failed my gray man test at Shayol Ghul. Shadar Haran told me to get lost, the big poopie head. He asked a trick question. Big dumb stupidhead. Anyway, I went to the auditing companies. I figured they are the next best thing to being pure evil." Lone Wolf nodded his head.
"That's.... terrible. Really. It is. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Can you show me to your room please?"
"Sure, right this way."
They walked back down the hall and saw an Aes Sedai running in the opposite direction, crying.
"What's wrong with her?" Stard asked.
"That's Therva. She recently lost her Warder."
At that moment, another Aes Sedai went running by, also crying.
"What's wrong with that one?"
"Oh, that's Blackthorne. Her Bondholder ran off without her."
"I see."
Yet another Aes Sedai walked by, this one also weeping.
"Did she lose a Warder too?"
"No, That's Rowan Sedai. She bonded Sathinar."
"Oh, that explains it." Stard said quickly. He understood perfectly.
"LONE WOLF!!!!!"
The voice rang out through the hall and he froze in his steps. Oh no! he thought.
He put an ingratiating smile on his face.
"Yes, Mother?"
The Amyrlin Seat approached him and stopped before him, not saying a word. He waited for a couple minutes to hear her speak.
Nothing happened.
"WELL?????" she demanded. He jerked back a step, surprised.
"Well what?"
"AREN'T YOU GOING TO BOW AND KISS MY RING???????" He looked down at her hand.
"You're.. uhh... not wearing your ring, Mother." She looked down at her finger. She laughed coquettishly.
"I knew that. I know everything. I'm the Amyrlin Seat. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!!!" Even Stard took a step back this time.
"No Mother, I would never forget that. Ever."
"Good. See that you don't."
She stalked off. Lone Wolf had no idea what that was all about.
"You have weird people in this Tower," Stard observed.
"Yeah, no joke," Lone Wolf responded.
They came to his quarters and began to go over everything.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Lone Wolf went to the door and opened it. Roland Broadcloak came barging in.
"I love her, man... It's driving me crazy. I have to have her! Tell me how I can do it!!!! How can I get her to love me back???"
"Ummm, you can't. Get over it."
"I DON'T WANNA GET OVER IT!!!!" He grabbed Lone Wolf by his tunic and lifted him off the ground. "I WANT THE AMYRLIN!!!!!" Something akin to insanity was danicng in his eyes.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Lone Wolf looked at Roland, and said "Excuse me, I need to go and answer that."
"Oh right. Of course, sorry." Roland put Lone Wolf down and leaned against the wall. Lone Wolf straightened his tunic.
"Thank you." he said and answered the door. Nyneave Sedai burst in and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him passionately.
"Oh Wolfie, be my Warder!!!"
"NO! Get lost!!! For the last time, I don't want to be your Warder!"
"Yes, you do!"
"No I don't! Where did you get that idea??"
"You asked me to bond you a week ago!"
"No, I didn't! You have me confused with someone else!"
"No, I don't. I could never mistake your beautiful blue eyes."
"'Scuse me," Roland interrupted. "But me and Lone Wolf were discussing something rather important. Could this possibly wait until later?"
"Mr Wolf," Stard called from the kitchen. "Are you almost done there? I need you in here. I have a few questions."
"Yeah, just a few seconds," he yelled. "Nyneave, I am very flattered that you want me to be your Warder, but I am already bonded, and I-"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
"Excuse me again. Let me go get that." He opened the door and the Amyrlin came storming. He noticed she had her ring on. She stood looking him in the eye. He bowed and kissed her ring.
"Very good. I am very proud of you, Lone Wolf. I have a-" The question froze in her throat as she caught sight of Roland. Embarassment colored her cheeks as she remembered the last time she had seen him. The incident with the filmy dress annd the grapes had been quite enough, thank you.
She grabbed Lone Wolf by the collar and dragged him into the hall.
"I need you to find out something for me," she said in a conspiratorial whisper. "I need to know which came first, the chicken or the egg or the sock. Get back to me as soon as you can, it is most important."
"Right, of course."
She nodded, turned and walked away. There goes one messed up Aes Sedai, thought Lone Wolf.
He turned and strode back into his quarters. Stard was in deep conversation with Nyneave and Roland was sleeping on the couch, a runnel of drool coursing down his cheek on a collision course with the new leather couch. He watched in helpless horror as the drool made its way down, hung over the couch by a mere thred of saliva and then dropped, falling with a splop! on the leather of the couch.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" he yelled. Roland jerked awake and looked around wildly.
Stard and Nyneave didn't even notice. They just stayed deep in conversation.
"Stard," Lone Wolf said.
He woke as if from a dream. "Uhhh, yeah?"
"What did you want to ask me about?"
"Hey!" Roland said. "You haven't finished with me yet!"
"No, I haven't, Roland. We'll finish in a minute, I promise."
They went into the kitchen first and went though the silverware drawer.
"Okay, lessee here... Heron Mark™ butter knife, Heron Mark™ steak knife, Heron Mark™ soup spoon, Heron Mark™ oyster fork, Heron Mark™ dishcloth... What's with all these Heron Mark™ things? Where did you get them all?"
"Oh, at the Heron Mark™ store."
Roland clapped his hands together. "Yes, that's where I got my sword." He drew it and showed it to everyone. They all oohed and aahed over it appropriately.
"The Heron Mark™ store?" Stard asked.
"Oh yeah. Everything there is Heron Marked™. Hats, shirts, can openers, popcorn poppers, sponges, videotapes, backpacks, boxes, stickers, swords, butter knives, pens and pencils, paper, lamps, you name it, it's Heron Marked™."
"Hmmm. Okay."
"It's located in the Two Rivers. We think that's where Tam got his sword."
"Oh yes," Stard said "I have to inventory his stuff next. Well, that's all I had a question about. You can go back to your conversations. Oh, but Nyneave, could you stay here please?" She smiled at him and winked at Lone Wolf.
"Sorry hun, you lost your chance."
Lone Wolf pretended to be hurt. "Dern it all. Maybe next time..." Still, he was happy that Nynaeve had found a Warder, even if it was a gray man....
He walked back into the living room and there was Roland.
"Okay. Ready to continue?"
"Let's go, amigo." he said.
Roland again picked him up by the lapels, lifting him bodily off the floor and then looked him in the eye. He laughed.
He set Lone Wolf down. "Sorry, this is out of character. Just a sec." He got control of himself and then lifted Lone WOlf again.
"I WANT HER, MAN!!!!!"
"Well, why are you telling at me about it? I can't do anything about it!!!"
"I know... I just thought, since you were her theorist...."
"Well, it doesn't work that way. Sorry."
"Oh. Okay. Just asking. Sorry to have bothered you."
He walked out, just as Chissa walked in.
"Who's threatening you?"
"What? No one!"
"But I felt burst of saidar and saidin from here and I felt that you were in danger."
"The saidin was just Roland going wacko again and the saider was Nynaeve bonding her new Warder."
"New Warder? That's great!"
"Not really. He's a gray man and he works for an auditing agency."
She claped a hand over her mouth. "That's horrible! That's like bonding someone from Shayol Ghul!"
"I know, I know. But it's her life...."
"Let's just let it go."
"Yes, let's. Come with me, I have some research to do for the Amyrlin."
"The Amyrlin? What does she want you to look up? Couldn't she just have Serafelle look it up for her?"
"I guess, but she asked me to figger this one out. She wants me to figger out which came first, the chicken or the egg or the sock."
"Or the...? What is wrong with our Amyrlin today?"
"I don't know. I guess its from all the post-it notes she has in her Study. The fumes from the sticky part have drained her brain, you know?"
"Yeah, that's about the way I figured it." Just then, Roland came up to them again.
"Oh, hey, Wolfie-"
"Don't call me Wolfie. Only the Amyrlin can call me Wolfie."
"Oh, sorry Loney. I know I already asked you, but are you sure you can't hook me up with the Amyrlin?"
"Quite sure, Rolly." Roland looked dejected, but held his head high.
"Oooo-kay. If you're absolutely sure."
"He is, Roland." Chissa said.
"Alright. I love her, you know."
"We know, Roland." Lone Wolf said.
"I wanted to be her Warder."
"We know Roland," Chissa said.
"She's s'posed to love me."
"We know Roland." They both said at the same time.
"Oh look, Rolly, there's Sathinar. I hear he's in good with the Amyrlin. Maybe you could get a hook up with him."
Roland looked down they way and saw Sathy walking toward them, a vacant look on his face and chocolate puding on the front of his shirt. Roland went to meet him.
"Sathinar," Chissa called out. "Why do you have chocolate pudding down the front of your shirt?"
"I went to talk to the Amyrlin and she made some comment about me kidnapping her and threw a chocolate pudding container at me, then threw me out. But I think ---AAAAAAAArrrrrrggghhhh!!!!!" He had caught sight of Roland coming toward him and quickly beat a discreet retreat.
Chissa turned to Lone Wolf. "Hey, wait a minute.... I thought you were Roland Broadcloak...."
Lone Wolf suddenly started. "You know, that's exactly right... What's up with that?"
Joe Gaidin, bonded to Kathana Justinia Trevalaer, the Amyrlin Seat, walked down the hallway and spoke to all the Aes Sedai he met. "Greetings Nymphia Sedai. Greetings Therva Sedai. Greetings Morgan Sedai." Then He came to a new Aes Sedai, Mnemosyne.
He bowed. "Greetings.... M.... Menem... Menmememe....Nemeneme.... Mennemene...Mnnn...."
Ben T. Gaidin, Master of Arms, Blademaster, Bonded to Serafelle Sedai, had a problem. He was walking briskly up the streets of Tar Valon, fighting back the hucksters, thieves and rampant Novices who thought he was good looking.
He had news and he had to get to Serafelle with it, so she could tell him what to do next. He carried this news like a burden. It had come to him hard and fast and hit him with the speed and strength of a.... a... really fast.... strong.... thing.
He remembered it like it was... well, a few minutes ago.
He had been meandering along the causeway and wondering what exactly a causeway was and how, exactly, one meandered. He had not reached any definite conlusions when he turned a corner and saw a very strange sight. Latrania Sedai was... No... She couldn't be...
He didn't say anything, cause he wasn't sure at first and took a few steps closer. She didn't notice him yet, too caught up in what she was doing. The long thick object she held in her hand was going right into...
He grimaced as he watched her. She pulled it out and stroked lightly on what she was feeding it into. Ben noticed in horrified fascination that he recognized it. He felt the blood rush from his face and he staggered back a step.
Latrania looked up, noticing him and gasped. She had been caught! Quickly, she fled, running blindly down the alley. Ben recovered his composure and stepped into the alley.
He picked up the long thick object that she had dropped and sniffed it. He put a little of it in his mouth and took a bite. Hmmm, still fresh. It might still do some good for him. He dropped it into his pocket and looked at the other thing in the alley. It stared right back him, daring him to do something.
Of course, Ben didn't, but he was going to.
He stepped into Serafelle's office and came up to her desk and plunked the long thick object down on her desk. She stared at it and then up at Ben, with her eyebrows raised.
"Hmmmmm. Taking our relationship a step further, you Master of Hands?" Ben looked at her like she had lost her mind.
"What? I found Latrania with this in a back alley! You know what she was doing with it? She was taking it and she was-"
"Well, enough of Latrania." Serafelle said. "I'm a little surprised..." She kissed him on the hand. "That you want that involved..." Another kiss on the hand. She took one of his fingers in her mouth. "But if you want to get into that...." She slid her hands up his chest and begin to fumble with the buttons on his tunic. He grabbed her hands and held them away from him, but only half-heartedly, his wiry frame trembling slightly.
"No, Serafelle, I brought that as proof. Look at it. Latrania has been using it. Don't you see? Do you know what she was doing with it?"
"Well, as far as I know, there's only one purpose for it and it isn't that bad. Why don't you tell me?"
"Well, she was putting it in-"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Serafelle looked at the door and called out, "Who is it?"
"Sathinar."
Serafelle rolled her eyes. "What do you want?"
"The origin of a term."
"Come in." Sathinar came in, glanced at Ben, noted the flushed face and then turned to Serafelle.
"I need to know the origin of the term-"
"Wait a second, you don't just come barging in and demand something. Ask."
"Ask?"
"Yes. Ask."
"Will you give me the origin of the term-"
"Please."
Sathinar blinked. "What?"
"Say please."
"Fine. Can I please have the-"
"May I."
Sathinar gritted his teeth. "May I have the origin-"
"May I please...."
Sathinar closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. "May I please have the origin of the term "Mwa"?
"Didn't you ask me that in the last story that Lone Wolf wrote?" She looked down at the script and read over it. "Yeah, you did. What a woolhead, making us do the same thing over again. Why can't he be original?" She rolled her eyes, and glanced up at the Director's booth above the stage. Inside, a figure waved her on and then a voice boomed out over the soundstage.
"Louise, will you just stick to the script please?"
"Yeah yeah, but you're making us do the same thing! It's repetitive, redundant and repetitive. Not to mention redundant!" A laugh came over the speaker. Louise's face colored as she realized what she said. She sighed. "Alright, alright, I'll stick to the script. You're the writer." She sighed again and turned to Sathinar.
Sathinar was gone. She turned back to the Director's booth. "Mike!! Jim ran off!"
"Then he misses his fifteen minutes of fame, doesn't he? You two just get on with your parts."
"Okay..."
She looked around the room one more time and then turned back to Ben. "Oh, Ben darling, before we have our next.... ummm...session, I need to go out and pick up a few.... things.. of my own." She gave him a salcious grin, and stepped out of her Office.
Ben watched her go. She didn't understand! She didn't even listen! Daaaah!
Ben stormed out of her office and decided to go straight to the Amyrlin's office with it. He had to tell someone. He picked the carrot up off the desk and dropped it back in his pocket. He had to tell Someone that Latrania was feeding Bela, the Darkfriend.
That could only mean that Latrania was a Darkfriend, also.
Sathinar finished his note and sealed the envelope. He attached it to this messenger pigeon, had second thoughts, removed the letter from the pigeon and put it in his mailbox. Then he turned toward the pigeon, with a feral gleam in his eyes.
Soraya Sedai walked down the hallway and out onto the Warder's practicing yard. She wiggled her hips seductively and immediately, all action ceased and all eyes glued itself to her. Soraya, at least among the Warders and some of the Forsaken, was known to be the biggest flirt in the White Tower, dethroning Ciara Sedai. Ciara, though known to flirt salaciously with Sathinar, was beaten when Soraya simultaneously turned Jonatha into her own personal kitty-cat, seduced Ben T-Gaidin, got Ishamael to do her bidding and gave Sathinar a flea bath, all in one day.
Soraya, needless to say, was quite popular around the Warders. They all stared at her, watching her hips swaying rhythmically in her Ebou Dari dress. Some tongues were hanging out of heads. Soraya especially liked that. She gave herself five bonus points for every tongue lolling.
Thirty seven heads turned simultaneously to watch her passing. Seventy-four eyes followed her along and 7 tongues were lolling. Wow, 72 points in five seconds: a personal best.
She looked around at all the Warders and nodded appreciatively. She began to walk off the yard, when a Warder suddenly fell in her path and shalomed before her. Ooooh! Score! There's another 30 points right there!
She looked down at the Warder and asked him his name.
"Oh, I don't have one; I'm a non-player character."
GRAND SLAM BABY! That's worth a double triple word score right there! An NPC falling at her feet! YES! Evaluation time.
37 people paying attention to her. That's 37 points.
7 Tongues were lolling, so there's 35 points.
One guy prostrate, so that's another thirty and he's an NPC, so it's double triple score.
37+35+1(30(2x3))=?
72+1(30(6))=?
72+1(180)=?
72+180=?
252 points!! Yes! Awesome! Incredible!
Soraya was very pleased with herself. The Yellow Sister, who should have been a Green trolloped off back into the White Tower.
Ben T-Gaidin walked determinedly down the corridor. He HAD to get to the Amyrlin. He HAD to tell her that Latrania was a Darkfriend. He HAD to tell her that Bela was around, and shouldn't be trusted. He HAD to warn everyone! He had to-
All thought went out of his head as he caught sight of Soraya Sedai walking down the hall. Without a pause, he felt his tongue fall out of his head, hang halfway down his body and felt himself turn. His eyes went all moony and he lost all control of his motor functions as he followed her.
Soraya laughed and shimmied her body seductively at Ben.
That was it for Ben. He was gone. All thoughts of Latrania, Bela, The Amyrlin, Serafelle's shopping trip and her promses of "after," were gone just like that and he was wholly Soraya's.
"Mnenenememen...Menesoeme..meneme....ememenene...."
Yveva and Matalina were walking through the White Tower, determined to find a slurpee machine and make a suicide slurpee, Extra-large, and see who could finish theirs first. Up ahead, they saw Alena and Chivalry Lightspear, decked out in Neon Pink duds; Alosha and Damian al'Cair and Silver and Dalinarius. Hmmm, Yveva thought, strange to see so many Warder Aes Sedai couples walking around the White Tower. I hope nothing bad is going to happen. Wait a second, Lone Wolf is writing, he won't write anything bad.
Up in the director's booth, Mike smiled a grim smile and chuckled malefically. Oh, wouldn't I?
Matrim Cauthon, Leader of the Band of the Red Hand, Friend to the Dragon Reborn, Ta'veren, strolled the halls of the White Tower. He turned a corner and saw couples. Three of them were Warder/Aes Sedai obviously and the fourth was two females. Oh, well, no biggie.
Yveva watched the strange man turn a corner and immediately a tug toward him. He's a Ta'veren! she thought. As he passed Alena and Chivalry, something changed and they grabbed each other, kissing passionately.
When he passed Alosha and Damian, they too grabbed each other and started kissing. He didn't seem to notice what his Ta'veren-ness was doing and kept walking as if nothing weird was going on. He passed Silver and Dalinarius and immediately they too started to make out.
Yveva glanced at Matalina, caught her eye, passed something through the bond and both of them turned and ran before anything bad could happen to them. As they ran, one thought pounded through Yveva's head. Why is Mat HERE?
Aldiran stepped through the door and into the White Tower and was walking down the hall, when some envelopes were tossed to him from out of nowhere. He started shifting through them.
Hmmmmm... I may already be a winner.... Bills, bills, bills, Oh, a note from Bill, I wonder what he's been up to, more bills, I may already be a winner... Come inside for free XXX-rated- oh, let's not read that one.
He shuffled through them until he came to one that had a weird sort of prozacy writing on it. There was no return address, so he opened it and read the contents.
"I'm coming into your one horse town and I'm going to kill you and when you see me, you'll be scared. When I get there, you better give me all your women and all you money. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
"You cannot trace me, you cannot find me, you will have no idea who I am.
Regards, Sathinar."
Aldiran finished the note and wondered why Sathinar would want to steal the women from him. Come to think of it, what women? He didn't have any women. Sure there were women in the Band, but none of them would ever lose to Sathinar.
He walked into the Tower, past the TV/VCR Repair shop, and turned a corner. Yveva and Matalina nearly bowled him over running away. He watched them and turned to see what they were running from.
Oh Light! It was Mat Cauthon! Aldiran couldn't believe it; it was his hero, in the flesh. He got weak kneed and leaned against the wall for support.
Mat stopped walking and stared at something behind Aldiran, just as Aldiran heard a mad cackle. Then he heard Mat exclaim "Blood and bloody ashes!" Aldiran stared at him.
"What? What?"
Mat pointed. "Nothing. Just blood. And bloody ashes."
Aldiran spun and saw exactly what Mat was talking about. There was a pool of blood and some bloody ashes, right in the barbecue pit on the patio of the White Tower.
"What could have caused this? I'll summon the Band of the Red Hand right away!"
"Wait a second," Mat called out. "I lead the Band of the Red Hand!"
"Aldiran stopped dead in his tracks and placed his hand on his sword. He turned, and with an air of... Oh, wait, that should be what I'm doing, not... doggone it, that dumb Lone Wolf." He dropped the hand holding the script to his side. "He put a quote mark where a quote mark doesn't go, so I accidentally memorized that line and I almost always say it in practice."
Up in the director's booth, Mike flipped the switch on the PA system.
"Who says I didn't do that on purpose, Aldy?"
"Don't call me Aldy! And I know you didn't do it on purpose, cause... well.. because."
"Just go back to your lines, Newton." Newton was the name of the actor playing Aldiran.
Newton sighed and read over his script. "Where were we? Ahh yes, the line I always mess up." Aldiran stopped dead in his tracks and put his hand on his sword.
"No you aren't, I'm the Leader of the Band. I founded it, I got Phoenix's permission, I recruited and trained everyone. ME!"
Mat seemed taken aback. Then he smiled. "Hey, that's fine with me. I never wanted to lead the bloody Band of the bloody Red bloody Hand in the first bloody place, burn it all. I'm no bloody general."
Aldiran smiled. "Well, if that's the way you feel...." Aldiran walked off, leaving Mat behind, and wandered into the next shop he came to. There, he purchased a few objects, using his Randland Express card. He was told that the store didn't accept RandLand Express, so he was forced to use his VISA/SeanchanCard. The payment was made, and with his newly purchased objects, he went out to find the rest of his Red Handers and make them all a real Band of the Red Hand.
Soraya walked arm in arm with Ben, happily going wherever he lead, but finding herself being led to the Amyrlin's office. Not that she minded... The Amyrlin was a good friend of hers... They had been roommates back when they were both younger.
Behind Soraya, a large group of Warders, Asha'man, Darkfriends, Band of the Red Handers, Younglings, Seanchan, Seafolk, Aielmen, Tinkers, Gleeman, Wolfbrothers, four Illuminators, two Children of the Light and a guy named Albert followed, eyes pinned to her, following her every move with perfect precision. Soraya was well aware of them and didn't mind in the least. She did however wonder who Albert was and how he had gotten there.
She asked Ben where he had been off to in such a hurry. Ben opened his mouth to reply and immediately his tongue lolled out and drool splattered the floor.
Soraya laughed. "Now now, Benjikins, let's not do our Jar Jar Binks impression; it's not nice with so many people around. Maybe when we're alone..."
Up in the director's booth, Mike puked.
"Mnemememoenm... Menenenenenene... errr... uhh.... How do you pronounce your name?"
"Nemozeen."
"Oh, thank you. Greetings Menemosyne Sedai."
"Greetings to you too, Warder."
Joe walked on.
Ben sucked his tongue back into his head and regained some composure. "I was... on my way to... the Amyrlin's.... to tell her about... Latrania...."
"Latrania?"
"Darkfriend....."
"OH NO! THAT'S HORRIBLE! A DARKFRIEND! IN THE TOWER! WHAT SHALL WE DO!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! A DARKFRIEND!!!!!! ARRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!! By the way... what's a darkfriend? I'm not that far into the series yet..."
Ben stood up straight and immediately gained a scholoraly composure, standing straight, hands folded in front of him and a look of subdued brilliance around him, undoubtedly learned from the years of following Serafelle around.
"A darkfriend, though called by many names, in many parts of the world, is one who foolishly believes that by turning from the Light and joining the forces of the Dark One, he believes that when the Dark makes its comeback, they will win and be immune from the Dark's purge of the world. The fools are always willing to join and the Dark never seems to discourage them." Having spoken, Ben lapsed back into his fugue state, drooling mindlessly over Soraya.
They walked into the Amyrlin's office.
Lone Wolf closed his eyes and kissed the Amyrlin lightly on the lips. He felt her hands go around him and inside his tunic. Her small hands roamed up and down his back, making him tingle when she ran her nails against his spine. He kissed her lightly and felt another pair of hands come around from behind him and roam down the front of his shirt. He felt hair against his shoulder seconds before he felt Chissa's breathing in his ear. She took in a breath and spoke lightly and dirtily in Lone Wolf's ear.
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?????"
Lone Wolf awoke out of his fantasy and jerked so hard he fell out of his chair. He jumped back up and saw Chissa's face was burning red. He knew why. The Amyrlin was not amused, she was sternfaced and rather angry.
"Oh, uhhhh.. yeah... I..." He coughed once, twice, three times a lady. "I was just.... uhh... well.... you see... I was..."
"DAYDREAMING, WEREN'T YOU???? KISS MY RING!!!!!!!" Lone Wolf hurriedly kissed her ring. "DON'T YOU EVER DAYDREAM WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!!"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry, ma'am. Forgive me, ma'am." Lone Wolf groveled.
Kathana raised her hand to swat Lone Wolf when Ben T-Gaidin and Soraya walked into the room. "Mother," Soraya cried. "We have grave news for you!"
"What is it, my daughter?"
"Someone has made a request to buy a plot of land next to the Eternal Flame of Tom Valor!"
Kathana waited. "AND THE GRAVE NEWS?!?!?!?!?!?"
"That was the grave news, Mother. See, Grave? Plot of Land? See? It's a pun... and I... just thought...."
"SHUT UP! IT ISN'T FUNNY!" Soraya staggered back a step.
"Sorry. But Ben here, says..."
Callandor walked down the halls of the Black Tower, wondering who else he should send the special preview of his Star Wars/WoT story to. He briefly considered Sam d'ma Shadar, but decided against it. That man was such a raving Star Wars nut he would probably berate Callandor for it. Aldiran? No... Aldiran didn't like Star Wars. Jonatha? He had the Ewok Dub Dub expression obsession, so maybe not. Ender? Ender-Endor... That would be interesting, but he didn't think so. Lone Wolf? No... Lone Wolf was too busy writing his new silly story to be bothered with such details as OTHER people's silly stories.
What about Darksmoon? No, he's too busy asking people about his survey to get any work done....
This was hard work. He looked up and saw the M'hael walking toward him. Callandor snapped a quick salute, just as the M'hael pulled out a pencil and scribbled a note on Callandor's shirt, then walked off without a word. Callandor looked down at what he had written. "Evaluate Dark Blight's performance for possible raising to Asha'man."
....The heck was that about? Callandor wondered about it, then continued down the hall.
Seconds later, Kagato came up to him. "Hey, what's the date for the day after tomorrow?"
"Umm, the 23rd, I think..."
"Okay, and what's the date for two weeks from last thursday?"
"Ummm, the 4th."
"Great, thanks and one more thing, the date two years after the fifth sunday from last week's full moon?"
"Ummm, the 19th of September."
"Great, wonderful, thanks!" Kagato ran off.
Callandor wonered what that was about, when an NPC walked up to him and asked him what the date was.
"The 21st." The NPC thanked him and ran off.
Again, Callandor wondered what was going on. Then it clicked. He was being confused again. He would have to go straight to the Saidin RP Boss Guy and tell him that the Black Tower was using him as its Calendar again. He hated when they did that.
Serafelle returned from her shopping trip and set down her bag of... goodies... that she had gotten and called for Ben. There was no reply. She called again. "Ben! I need help with the... supplies.... There's four more bags worth out in the car!" Still no reply. Usually Ben jumped at the chance to help her. Weird...
She felt for him in the bond and felt something weird.. Like Ben wasn't all there... like he was...
Serafelle sucked in a deep breath. Soraya! That little trollop! Oh, she was going to have it out with her!
She ran out of her quarters and ran to find Ben.
Aldiran returned to the place where his Red Handers had been hiding and began to distribute the items he had bought. He gave one of each pair of the first set of items to everyone, and then handed everyone their own personal item that they had requested. Aldiran looked over them and smiled. Yes, now they were truly The Band of The Red Hand.
Mat walked down the hall, wondering how he had gotten to the White Tower. The last thing he knew, he had been buried under a wall in Ebou Dar... And now here he was in the Bloody White Tower. In-bloody-credible. He had no idea how he had gotten here, or what was going on. In his time here, he had caused three warder-Aes Sedai romances to blossom, he had spontaneously fixed four tv's, three vcr's and a suicide slurpee machine just by looking at them, had gotten himself out of leadership of the Band of the Red Hand and was just beginning to wonder if he would be able to find anyone to do a little cuddling with.
He walked down the hall and up ahead, saw a pretty little thing with medium length curly hair, who stood about 5 feet tall. Just the way he liked them. She was wearing a divided skirt for riding.
"Hello my pretty," he said. The person turned around and Mat started. "Butter and Buttered Onions!"
"You're "pretty"? I am NOT your pretty. I'm taken, thank you very much and I will remain true to her!" The man in front of him was definitely not a female and Mat felt his face starting to burn.
"Who... Who are you?"
"My name is Jon'atha and I am the White Tower administrator. Who are you?"
"I'm Mat! You know, Ta'veren, Leader of the Band of the Red Hand, Friend of Rand al'Thor... Mat!" I'm just trying to figure out how to get myself buried back uner the wall."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Burn me if I know."
Jonatha thought about it for a while. This had happened before, what were the circumstances? Ahhh, yes, The Amyrlin's story about the Creator breaking the Wheel and putting it back together with sticky glue... A lot of the Characters had intermixed and when Kathana had sent them all back, she must have missed one and...
"Oh mighties! I should get you back to your place before the Seanchan discover you aren't there!" He grabbed Mat's hand and they ran off to the Amyrlin's office.
Chissa had left, leaving Ben and Soraya and Lone Wolf and the Amyrlin in the study to discuss what to do with Latrania Sedai, who had been feeding a Carrot to Bela, the Darkfriend.
"I think we should give her a stern talking to and then slap to her wrist." Soraya said.
"KILL HER!!!!!!!!!" That was the Amyrlin.
Lone Wolf said, "We should probably have a trial and decide if what Ben saw is really what was going on and all that..."
Ben just stared at Soraya and drooled. There was quite a puddle of it under his lolling tongue.
"See," Lone Wolf continued, "a trial would-"
"SHUT UP! I ALREADY DECIDED! WE'RE GOING TO KILL HER!!!!!!!"
Lone Wolf shut up.
Suddenly, the air shimered and a silver vertical line cut down out of nowhere. A chime sounded.
Kathana jumped out of her chair and straightened her skirts. "Oh! A visitor. Come in!" She called out in a pleasant voice.
The silver line split into a silver and out stepped none other then Ishamael, the Forsaken. The doorway closed behind him.
"YOU WILL BOND ME WOMAN!!!!"
"WE'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THIS, YOU BLOODY SON OF A GROLM!"
"BUT I'VE GOT MY REASONS WHY!!!!!!!"
"BUT I DON'T WANT TO- Well.... GIVE ME YOUR REASONS!!!"
"#1, I THINK WE SHOULD BE BONDED BECAUSE-" He noticed Soraya and stopped and smiled at her. "Soraya! My little grolm dropping! How are you, my scrumptious little eggplant?"
"Grolm Dropping? Exsqueeze me? I am not happy about this. You've hurt my feelings."
Ishamael kneeled at her feet. Alright, a Forsaken kneeling at her feet, that was easily worth about a hundred points.
"Oh, my little lotus blossom, I didn't mean it!! I meant to call you a little Elven princess, my sweet reptile..."
Soraya frowned, crossed her arms beneath her breasts, turned her head and snorted.
Lone Wolf tapped her on the back. "Ummm, Soraya, girls aren't supposed to snort. Girls sniff. It's the whole RJ duality thing... Guys snort, chuckle, grin and use Saidin. Girls are sposed to sniff, giggle, smile and use Saidar. See? It's the whole Duality thing."
The Amyrlin turned to look at her beloved. "LONE WOLF!!!! YOU KNOW THE PENALTY FOR ACTING LIKE A BROWN IN MY PRESENCE!!!!!"
"Oh no, not...."
"YES! GIVE ME YOUR NOSE!"
Lone Wolf sighed and put his nose down in the middle of the huge tome that the Amyrlin just happened to have open on her desk. He squeezed his eyes shut. Kathana grabbed the two ends of the book and slammed it shut on his nose. Soraya giggled. Chissa could be heard screaming outside the Amyrlin's door. Ishamael grinned appreciatively and thought the Amyrlin would make a good Semirhage.
Punishment dispensed, Soraya sniffed and spoke. "Well Ish the Fish, that was NOT very nice. I think you'll have to make it up to me somehow. I'll have to come up with some sort of really fitting punishment. Now, let me see...."
In the Gray Ajah Quarters, Serinia was writing a story for herself. She read over what she had.
"The processions proceeded according to the precedent the President prepared when the Premier presided over the predicament in Prague. Predictably, the President presumed the Premier prepared the proper presents for the Prince and Princess of Prague, but the Premier pretty much produced practically nothing and the Prince and Princess were predernaturally pressed for prescience."
Serinia liked it.
"I want you to go out and retrieve the five grains of salt that are hidden in the fifteenth pile of sand next to the third doorway after the fortieth pillar in the city of Rhuidean."
"NO SOONER SAID THEN DONE!" He ripped a hole in the pattern and jumped out. Seconds later, he poked his head back into the hole and looked at it and then at the others. "Well...." He laughed embarassedly. "It looks like I ripped the pattern a bit too much. I'll just sew that back up... He he he." He channeled and fashioned needle and thread of the one power into one hand and formed a Thimble of the One Power on his other hand. he began to sew.
"Now," Lone Wolf said a bit more nasally then regular. "What are we going to do about Latrania?"
"I ALREADY TOLD YOU!!!!!! WE'RE GOING TO KILL HER! DO YOU KNOW THE PUNISHMENT FOR STUPIDITY???" She let the huge tome fall open again.
"NOOOOO NOT AGAIN!!!!"
"YES AGAIN! NOW GET YOUR NOSE DOWN THERE, OR THERE WON'T BE ANY SUGAR FOR LONE WOLF LATER ON!!!"
Lone Wolf sighed and put his poor battered nose down in the book and Kathana slammed it shut again. Outside, Chissa screamed again and Soraya giggled. Ishamael didn't notice, too caught up in his sewing.
And now, a word from our sponsors. This program is brought to you by the Eagle Hand Laundry. If your Eagle has dirty hands, then bring him in and we'll clean him up. Now back to our program.
Soraya asked the next Kwestion.
"Question is spelled QUE, not KWE, you dimwit!"
"Oh, sorry!!!"
Soraya asked the next question. "So, what are we going to do about Latrania?"
The Amyrlin shrugged. "I dunno. Let's eat pudding and think about it."
Soraya smiled and sat down, then again noticed Ben was gone.
She jumped up and ran out of the Office.
Ishamael continued sewing.
Ender suddenly ran into the office and stood there with his mouth hanging open. "Omy gosh! I don't believe it! It's... It's.... Oh wow!!!! It's ET!!!!" He ran forward and touched Ishamael's finger, where the thimble was glowing.
Ender smiled and said "OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWCH."
Ender ran out.
Soraya saw Ben and Serafelle walking down the hall and followed after them. That evil, EVIL Serafelle! Oh, she was going to be so hurt when Soraya got done with her...
She followed them quietly and when an opportunity arose, she grabed Ben's arm and ran.
Serafelle, naturally, gave chase.
Soraya ran out of the White Tower and jumped in a rowboat and began to row out to the boat that was sitting the middle of the river. Halfway there, the boat, still tied to the dock stopped moving, but Ben and Soraya didn't. They flew out of the boat and bounced across the water, still rowing and landed on the dock of the boat. She left the oars on the dock and ran into the cabin.
Serafelle saw them on the boat, and pulled the rowboat back across. She was going to catch them! If it was the last thing she did! She was going to catch them and Ben would be hers! She wasn't going to be the loser this time! She jumped in the boat and reached for the oars...
No Oars! No!!!! She looked around, but.. nope. No oars! "BLOOD AND BLOODY APACHES!" Well, that wasn't quite right, but Sera didn't quite care, so it was all quite good.
She would catch them!
Aldiran led his men (okay- men and women) out of the clearing and they began to march to the White Tower.
Sathinar looked at his watch. Lone Wolf must have gotten his letter by now. Time to go.
Serinia stopped writing and gave up on her story, cause she couldn't think of any other words that started with PR. She sighed and laid down to take her nap.
Mat and Jon'atha were still on their way to the Amyrlin's office. Mat had to ask questions about every girl they saw and Jonatha was beginning to get quite impatient with him.
Yes, here at L. Marie Ford, we have free hot dogs and a balloon for Mom.
Serafelle jumped into the water and began to swim to the boat. A few minutes later, she got there, grabbed the oars and dived back in the water. She swam back across, got into the rowboat and then paddled back to the boat. She jumped up on the deck and followed after them into the cabin.
Ishamael was about halfway done sewing up the hole he had ripped into the pattern. Ranges ran into the room, looked at the Amyrlin and opened his mouth.
"NO! DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT! NO NO NO NO NO. I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SAYING THAT WORD IN THIS STORY!"
"What word would that be?"
"Gekkie! Doh! I said it! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!! KISS MY RING!!!!"
RANGES KISSED HER RIN- I mean- Ranges kissed her ring and looked at Ishamael.
"Oh! Hey! It's ET! Owwwwwwwwch!" Ranges touched Ishamael's thimble and then ran out of the room.
Up in the Director's booth, Mike looked at his watch and turned to the group of students who were here on a field trip. "Are you all wondering when this story is going to be over?" He asked them.
They all nodded solemnly.
"Well," he said. "So am I."
Serafelle ran into the cabin and there was Soraya and Ben. She glared at the Yellow sister. "Let him go! He's mine! He loves ME!"
"He loves you? Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Well, all I wanna do is hold his hand!"
"Yeah, sure. Next you'll be telling I do it in the road."
"Oh why you... you... big.... EGG!"
"EGG? Are you calling me... I am an eggman? I am an eggman? well, you're the Walrus!!"
Over the intercom, Mike's voice could be heard. "Goo-goo-guh-joo."
"SHUT UP!" They both yelled at once.
"Hand him over!" Serafelle yelled.
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes times infinity!"
"No times infinity plus 1!"
"Yes Times infinity plus one times three!"
"No. And that's that!"
Serafelle stamped her foot. "No it's isn't! I loved him first!"
"Well I loved him second and first is the worst, second is the best!"
"The best? At what? Trolloping? Have you asked him if it was good Norwegian Wood?"
"No, I never have! But he did call me "Martha My Dear" once."
"Oh for the love of Mr. Kite!"
Over the Intercom: "That's benefit...."
"What?"
"For the BENEFIT of Mr. Kite..."
"What are you babbling about?" Soraya demanded.
"Well, I thought if you were doing the whole Beatles thing there, you should...
"SHUT UP!" Serafelle yelled at him.
"Stay out of the flamin' story, until were finished!!!"
No reply over the intercom.
Up in the Director's booth, The students giggled.
Serinia slept, sleeping soundly; swooning softly, soon seducing Sathinar in her dreams.
Mat and Jon'atha came to the door of the Amyrlin's office and knocked.
"COME IN!!"
Jon'atha stepped in, saw Ishamael and smiled. "Hey! It's ET! Cool! OOOWWWWWWCH!" He touched Ishamael's thimble and giggled like an NPC Novice. "I saw you int he Star Wars movie!"
"DID YOU WANT SOMETHING, JON'ATHA?"
"Other then secretly wanting Ciara and Alanna to catch me and make me over?" He grinnitied (however one did that) and said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a probelm. You never finished your last story. May I present to you.. Matrim Cauthon."
Mat stepped into the room and smiled and immediately Kathana grabbed Lone Wolf and started kissing him. Lone Wolf cried out, 'cause she was squashing his poor hurt nose and then she let him go. "Sorry, it's the Taveren thing. I couldn't resist." Back to Mat. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Well, burn me if I know. Why are you talking caps?"
"I'M NOT TALKING IN.... WELL, I GUESS I AM... JUST A SECOND...." There. Is this better?
"Well, marginally. You're talking without quote marks now."
Oh well, I'm sure people will survive.
"Yeah, probably. Anyway, how are we going to get me back to my own time?"
Wolfie, front and center!
Lone Wolf walked- staggered really to the the Amyrlin and asked her what she wanted.
If it took four powerful channelers and a Sword That Is Not A Sword to send back Rand, Egwene and whoever else i brought in, how many-
"Mother?"
What?
"Can you start speaking with quotation marks again?"
Ok, I'll.... "try. Is this better?"
"Yes, much. Thank you."
"Okay. How many Aes Sedai will it take?"
"Well, none."
"None?"
"Yeah. When Ishy ripped a hole in the pattern, he ripped it too far, hence it crossed over into other worlds. See? There's Mat's right there!" She looked.
"You're right! Get in there, Dice Boy!"
"Dice Boy?"
"She comes up with degrading names for everyone. Don't worry about it. It's a sign of affection." Jon'atha said.
"Ahhh, okay. Well, I'm bloody out of here!"
"Alright. Bye Mat!" Lone Wolf said. "Nice meeting you!"
"Wait," Kathana said, "Before you go... could you.. well... would you...." She smiled nervously. "Maybe... uhhhh.... kissmeonceonthelipsbeforeyougo?"
Lone Wolf gasped. Wasn't he good enough for her?
Mat smiled and grabbed Kathana and kissed her deeply and passionately. Kathana wraped her arms around him and kissed him back fiercely. Jonatha started blushing a deep scarlet color and Lone Wolf heard her whimpering in ectatic pleasure. Mat broke the kiss and stepped back. "How was that?"
"Oh, Light," The Amyrlin whispered and grabbed him again, wrapping her legs around him and kissing him deeply and passionately.
Mat teetered and staggered backward, then fell through the hole (and tearing out some of the Macramé that Ishy had just finished doing) and disappeared.
Kathana had disappeared with him.
Lone Wolf had no idea what to say.
Serafelle and Soraysa faced each other across the tic tac toe board and grimaced. The last 37 games had ended in ties. They were both too good for their own good and neither would win. They decided to let Ben decide.
They put Ben on the deck and each took ten giant steps away from him.
Then they turned and faced him.
Ben stared at both of them. He looked from Serafelle to Soraya.
Serafelle. He had spent so much time with her and boy, was she good looking. He felt through the bond, so it intensified the pleasure for both of them.
Soraya. She knew all sorts of tricks that Serafelle didn't. Nice Tricks. Pleassant tricks.
Serafelle. She knew everything about him and he about her.
Soraya. He was still working on that part.
Serafelle was his first love, but Soraya did anything he wanted.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, he heard a trumpet sound and then the beat of drums. There were sounds of stringed instruments being played. Before he knew what was happening, he saw a large group of men and women walking along the bank of the river, obviosuly on parade. Each had an instrument and one red glove.
He wondered about it until he saw Aldiran in the lead. Of course, he thought. It's the Band of the Red Hand.
The Band walked on, and out of sight and he watched the horizon until the music faded from his ears.
Then he turned back. Decisions decisions. He looked at Serafelle, who gave him an inviting look and a salacious grin.
He looked at Soraya who shimmied her hips seductively.
It was like being caught in the eye of a hurricane. Seperately, he would have willingly gone with any of them. Now, though, he was being forced to choose....
"Can't I love you both?"
"NO!" They both shouted at once.
Ben looked from one to the other.
Who was he going to choose?
Sathinar contiunued on his journey to the White Tower, determined to show Lone Wolf that he wasn't the only one who could write a silly story.
Ben looked from Soraya to Serafelle. He was torn.
"Do I get extra time to think about it?"
"NO! YOU MUST CHOOSE NOW!" They shouted at once.
He sighed.
He closed his eyes and jumped up in a circle and danced around a couple times, losing all sense of direction and started to wander around the ship. Whoever he bumped into first would be the winner.
He wandered closer and closer to Soraya and just when it looked like he was going to choose her, turned and walked away from her. He drew closer to Serafelle and came within two inches of brushing her body without knowing it. He wandered left, then right, then back to the center of the dock and bumped into a barrel. He bumped into the mast. He bumped into the railing and nearly went flying over the edge, but didn't, cause then this story would never end and I'm trying to finish it cause Soraya is breathing down my neck at the moment to finish.
Anyway, Ben wandered around the dock for a few more minutes and several close misses and then brushed against cloth. He had found one of them. He had no idea which one though. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, but before he could recognize the face, he was being kissed. he wrapped his arms around whoever and the comforting familiarity of it told him who it was.
She broke the kiss and smiled up at him.
He smiled back, and put his arm around her waist and left the ship.
Soraya watched them go.
Lone Wolf stared at the hole where the Amyrlin had disappeared and sighed. He supposed he would have to go in and rescue her. Oh well, so be it. But, before he did that, he would have to gather a few men. Ender, maybe Sam, Ben, maybe Dark Blight and Callandor, the Ashaman That Is Not An Ashaman and maybe a few Aes Sedai just for good measure.
This was going to be tough work.
Had Lone Wolf gotten the letter intended for him, instead of it going to someone else, things might have ended up wuite differently, but that's a tale for another time.
Epilogue
The Wheel of time turns, but not as well as it did before, since there was duct tape and wacky glue all over it, and ages come and go, leaving memories that fade to legend, and legend fades to myth, and even Myth (2: Soulblighter!) is long forgotten when the age that gave it bith comes round again. In an age called the third age by some, the Stoneship Age by others, a wind arose on the slopes of the Black Hills. The wind was not the end. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the wheel of time. but the wind was an end.
This was part one. It should only be a trilogy guys! Just kidding. I'm going to try very VERY hard not to do the RJ thing and string it out over a thousand books.
Hopefully, I'll write the second part to this one and then I'll be done, but I dunno.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Good night all.
