A Day in the Life of Lanfear
Title:Silly Story
Posted By:Lanfear
Posted On:04/11/1999 20:11
ooc: Okay, here is my silly story that Taimandred is so proud of making it into. *frowns* Apparently, it didn't make enough sense for Demandred to let me be NB for a week. *pouts* Oh well, there's always next time.
(Kind of Long)
A Day in the Life of Lanfear
Lanfear yawned as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. It was going to be another long day at Dragonmount. She wondered what adventure awaited her this day.
As she looked in her closet for something to wear, she sighed. White dress after white dress hung side by side all embroidered with silver. She was starting to get sick of white. Oh sure, it was her color, but it was starting to get dull. Banishing the thought from her mind, she chose a white one with silver embroidery; she had an image to uphold.
Suddenly a voice sounded in her head. "Good morning, Lanfear." It said, "Can you please come here for a second? I’m in my quarters." The voice laughed Ishamicly.
"Good morning, Ishamael." She said, "I’ll be there eventually. I have to feed the Trollocs and check on the Myrddraal first."
Ishamael giggled madly in answer.
Using the saidar to change her clothes and fix herself up —she had to look good to make Messana jealous, Lanfear started out the door towards the Trolloc pen.
Almost immediately, Darksmoon intercepted her.
"May I have a kiss?" He asked.
"No, You have Lanfir for that." She replied.
"Exactly," he said.
"No, the other Lanfear," she said, "Lanfir."
Looking confused, he gave her a questioning look.
She grumbled in irritation. "Lanfir, your former Aes Sedai."
"Oh yeah!" He said and scampered off to find her.
Sighing again, Lanfear continued on her way. She had hardly started up again when she was intercepted yet again by a big wolf baring his teeth at her.
"I saw you talking to my brother." He said, "Don’t you dare try to turn him with your filthy talk. Get away from my brother, Shadowscum."
"Good morning, Gray Wind." she said, "You’re being unusually pleasant today."
Snarling and lifting a threatening paw at her, Gray Wind continued. "Don’t try to avoid the truth, my wolfbrothers and I will destroy you. I’m warning you, I’ll get all my brother wolves and Gaidin and tear you right out of the wheel."
Lifting a hand as if to show she meant no ill will, or dismiss him out of hand, Lanfear addressed him. "We’ve been through all this before. Wolves and Gaidin are all very well, but they simply cannot go against me and hope to live."
Glaring at her, Gray Wind angrily replied, "You say that now, but just wait. We will annihilate you, utterly destroy you and your filthy Darkfriends."
Shaking her head wearily, Lanfear was almost glad to see Slayer striding towards her. Almost.
Coming to join Lanfear and Gray Wind with a mischievous grin on his face, Slayer nodded to Lanfear.
"Good morning, Daughter of the Night. Sathinar told me to give you a kiss when I next saw you, but I don’t feel like it right now. Maybe later."
"Did he now?" Lanfear asked, raising an eyebrow, as only the spiffy can, but Slayer had already engaged in argument with Gray Wind.
Leaving them to their squabbling, Lanfear continued on her way. Finally arriving at the Trolloc pen without further interruption, Lanfear smiled at the sight.
This was her Trolloc pen where she kept all her pet Trollocs. They’re so CUTE! She though as she ran up to pet them. A cute little boy Trolloc, her favorite one ran up to greet her.
"What would you like to eat today?" She asked, patting his head.
"TAIREN!" he shouted.
"But you had Tairen yesterday." She said, "Don’t you want more of a variety?"
Looking a little confused, the boy shook his head and yelled, "TAIREN!"
Nodding and smiling, Lanfear turned around to call for a Myrddraal. A Myrddraal hurriedly came to her, awaiting her command.
"Bring them some Tairen!" she commanded.
Nodding vigorously, the little boy Trolloc yelled enthusiastically, "TAIREN! TAIREN!"
Trollocs weren’t the brightest of creatures.
Remembering her other duties, Lanfear started on her way to where the Myrddraal were kept. As a deep contrast to the Trollocs, these Myrddraal were picked especially for their intellect and musical and literary talents.
As Lanfear started on her way, she bumped into Sathinar, who was trying to whistle while chewing on a piece of pigeon meat. The result was a muffled, out of tune sound that resembled a cross between an old man’s insane cackle and the sound that comes out of his buttocks when he releases methane into the air.
"Hi’ya Lanny." he said cheerfully.
Putting her hands on her hips in a classic angry pose, Lanfear confronted Sathinar. "You just had to send Slayer after me again, didn’t you, Sathy?"
Waving his hand dismissively, Sathinar shrugged. "That was a long time ago, but I have an idea, something you’ll just love."
Giving him a warning glare, Lanfear let her hands down and asked resignedly, "What is it this time?"
"I have the perfect opportunity for us to mess up Demy! All we have to do is continually call him Demy in public. Then everybody will call him Demy and he’ll get really, really annoyed! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Sighing, Lanfear protested. "But everyone already calls him Demy and he’s already really annoyed."
"Oh yeah." Sathinar mumbled, scratching his head in thought.
"Oh, one more thing," Sathinar said. "I was going to make fun of your age again. Okay here we go: So, Ha! you little twelve year old!"
"But Sathy, I’m proud of my youth. It means I can make fun of my elders being stupid and brag about my young features when you’re old. Oh, and by the way, I’m thirteen."
Sathinar shrugged. "You’re still a little kid," he said, patting her mockingly on the back and starting to walk off.
"Wait," Lanfear called after him, "Demandred said you owe him goldfish."
Grumbling to himself, Sathinar continued walking.
Shaking her head at the stupid sophomore, Lanfear continued on her way once more.
A newbie Dreadlord approached her.
"Hi, I’m new at Shayol Ghul." He said, and glancing at her back, suddenly burst into laughter.
"What’s so funny?" she demanded.
"Nothing," he maintained. "Anyway, a guy called Demandred told me to go to you... By the way, I heard you live in Japan, is that true?"
Lanfear nodded to the new Dreadlord. "You were wise to join Shayol Ghul; and yes, I do live in Japan. Anyway, did Demandred by any chance mention what exactly I was supposed to do with you?"
The new Dreadlord shrugged. "No."
"Well then..." said Lanfear, a dark smile starting to form on her lips. She whispered something in the Dreadlord’s ear and with an eager nod, he started off in Sathinar’s direction, flexing his hands as if to channel.
Resuming her path, Lanfear finally rounded a corner to where her Myrddraal were kept. Upon entering the building, she heard the sound of a voice singing a song she recognized as "Have you Ever".
"Have you ever feared somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever feared something so bad
You can’t sleep at night
Have you ever tried not to shake
But you can’t stop yourself
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in pain
Been in pain so bad
You’d do anything to make it stop
Have you ever had somebody steal your soul away
You’d give anything for them to take your life
Have you ever wondered about the day you die
But you dare not think when or how or why
And you don't know when you’ll be alright
Have you ever..."
Lanfear frowned and murmured to herself about the song’s lack of universality; the song seemed to be popular among the darkfriends though.
The room fell silent as Lanfear entered and all the Myrddraal went down to one knee and voiced greetings. For some odd reason, there were a few snickers as she turned to face them.
Lanfear looked at them suspiciously, but nodded to them and smiled, "So, what do you have for me today?"
Beaming at her, one of the Myrddraal presented her with a painting of a dead Aes Sedai, her head smashed in and blood flowing into her hair. There was a huge gash down her ageless face, and a look of horror was still fresh from her dying moments.
"It is simply splendid!" Lanfear mused, "I will hang it up in my collection of dead Aes Sedai pictures."
The Myrddraal beamed at her compliment.
Gesturing nearby, the Myrddraal indicated a bloody corpse. "That was the model." He spoke with a heavy British accent.
Surveying the corpse, Lanfear smiled.
"You have done well," she said, imitating his accent to mock him.
He can’t do anything; I’m one of the Chosen, she thought with satisfaction.
Exiting the building, Lanfear thought she heard some more snickers. Shrugging, Lanfear resumed her path and soon found herself bumping into a soldier from the Black Tower.
"You’re Taimandred’s little sister, right?" he asked.
"No, he is my older brother." she said.
He shrugged in confusion, obviously not getting her dry sense of humor. "I heard you live in Japan, is that true?"
"Yes, yes, yes, it’s all true." She said irritably.
"Oh." He said, "One more question."
"Yes?" She said, her voice starting to get dangerously sharp.
"A..ar..are you twelve?" he asked hesitantly.
"THIRTEEN" she snapped. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"Nnn..no, ma’am," he said, starting to back away.
She fixed him with a hard glare and it must have really been hard, for he was off, running like the Dark One himself was after him. She judged herself to be a fair match.
As Lanfear started on her way to Ishamael’s quarters—he was probably getting impatient, she bumped into another Black Tower member.
"Hey, wassup, you evil little girl?" her brother, Taimandred asked.
"Nick, you’re not supposed to call me that here. Here, I am Lanfear, a Chosen, and you are supposed to respect me like everyone else does."
Laughter could be heard from behind and Lanfear turned and glared at its source. The laughter cut off abruptly and a hysterical Rahvin was covering his eyes.
"If I can’t see her, she can’t see me either." He said to himself.
Turning her glare back on her brother, Lanfear started lecturing, "Now see what you’ve done? You’ve embarrassed me in front of my rival, however unimportant he may be."
Taimandred hung his head, "Sorry, mortal," he said in a manner very IRL-ish. "I’ll make it up to you. Here, take this useless ter’angreal that does absolutely nothing."
Lanfear grabbed at the ter’angreal, fascinated at this new device. How can a ter’angreal do absolutely nothing? She wondered in awe.
"Anyway," he said. "Why do you have a sign on your back that says ‘Evil 12 yr-old airhead tomboy’?"
"What?" Lanfear thundered and tore at the paper on her back. "I am NOT an airhead and I’m not a tomboy either! Well, not really anyway..."
Behind her, Moghedien was lecturing Rahvin sharply. "You shouldn’t make fun of your fellow Chosen, that’s for me to do, now go apologize right now!"
Whining and protesting, Rahvin complied. "I am sorry, Lanfear..." he began.
Lanfear paid him no mind; she was already continuing on her way, clutching the useless ter’angreal tightly in one hand, the crumpled up note in the other. How dare Sathinar do such a thing?
Walking along, plotting various ways to kill Sathinar, Lanfear happened to bump into just the right person.
A tall, black-garbed man approached her. He was tall and garbed all in black. His significant height made his tallness apparent, his black clothes highlighted the depth of his blackness indeed.
"Greetings, Lanfear," he said. "Did you get that new recruit I sent you?"
"Oh, I got him." She said, smiling to herself. Hopefully Sathy was having fun being tortured with the Power.
"I have an idea to mess up Sathy. You’ll just love it," he said, smiling.
"What did you have in mind?" she asked eagerly.
"Well, we show everyone how annoying he is, get everyone to hate him and get Phoenix to ban him from DM."
"Well," Lanfear began. "Everyone already knows how annoying he is, and everyone hates him, but we can still work on the banning part."
Demandred smiled, "You do that," he said. "Oh, and by the way, tell him he owes me five bucks."
Lanfear nodded and walked the rest of the way to Ishamael’s quarters, thoroughly cheered up.
Inside, he waited impatiently, tapping his foot and laughing Ishamicly every now and then.
"Hey, Lanny," he said, "took you long enough!"
"Sorry," she said. "I was busy plotting ways to make Sathy suffer."
He nodded. "Oh, okay then."
"So, why did you want to see me?" she asked.
Ishamael suddenly perked up, a big grin forming on his face. "I want to show you something," he said. "Oh, and we’ll have to link."
She shrugged and surrendered her power to him, still clutching the useless ter’angreal and the wadded up piece of paper.
Smiling broadly, he formed a gateway and pulled her through. Upon getting to the other side, he muttered, "Wait." and went back through to reemerge with a blue furby.
"You like those things?" she asked skeptically.
He put a finger to his lips. "Don’t say that." He said. "Fred might hear you and get mad."
Rolling her eyes at him, she noticed for the first time where he had taken her. She was staring at the so-called Shining Walls. A large group of Aes Sedai was gathered outside, watching the warders practice.
Smiling mischievously, Ishamael drew their Power into him and abruptly the Aes Sedai exploded into a mass of blood and flesh.
"That was absolutely beautiful!" Lanfear told Ishamael, looking at the pile of blood and flesh with tears in her eyes.
Smiling, Ishamael beamed, "I told you you’d like it."
As they stood there, a woman came striding towards them. She had an ageless face and a seven-colored striped stole hung from her shoulders. Stopping in front of them, she put her hands over her hips.
"That wasn’t realistic role play!" she accused, glaring at them.
"They were just NPC’s," Ishamael protested sheepishly.
The Amyrlin Seat began lecturing, her words making Ishamael flinch and clutch his furby to him.
"Why don’t you just forget about it?" Lanfear interrupted, "If you will refrain from mentioning it anymore, I will give you this useless ter’angreal that does absolutely nothing."
The Amyrlin grabbed at it eagerly as she thought How can a ter’angreal do absolutely nothing? "You know that all ter’angreal and objects of the Power are property of the White Tower, right?" She asked, staring at the ter’angreal intently.
"I could always take it back..." Lanfear began, reaching for the ter’angreal.
The Amyrlin snatched it away and tucked it into a fold of her dress somewhere. "I’ll let you go this time," she said. "But next time I won’t let you off so easily." With that, she went stalking away grumbling to herself.
Shrugging dismissively, Lanfear bade Ishamael goodbye, leaving him to his Ishamic laughter and Fred.
As she continued along, with no particular destination in mind, Lanfear spotted Arik Korpin dancing wildly and fondling the Spoon. Frowning with jealousy, Lanfear sought out an object that would rival, even overshadow the greatness of the Spoon. Pulling out a Spork and smiling proudly, Lanfear passed Arik, making a show of flaunting the mighty eating utensil. She took great delight in his deep frown.
Striding away self-importantly, Lanfear smiled darkly, seeing Sathinar, enveloped in a flow of air, flinching at invisible punches. Giving the newbie Dreadlord a thumbs-up and patting Sathy on the back, Lanfear continued her aimless wandering, just remembering to shout back, "By the way, you owe Dem five bucks!" and throw the wadded up piece of paper at him. It was always good to appear active around Shayol Ghul.
Stopping suddenly, Lanfear turned and ran in the opposite direction. She had forgotten. If she did not hurry, she would be late for her kick-boxing class!
As she once more passed Sathy and the newbie Dreadlord, Lanfear heard Sathy shout, "I am NOT a gay necrophiliac!"
Casually ignoring him, Lanfear suddenly realized something. She could have used gateways this whole story...Shrugging, Lanfear wove a gateway to her kick boxing class, waving to various silly members of every org, pointedly ignoring her brother. Mortal, she thought contemptuously.
Miraculously, Lanfear had arrived just in time for the Millennial Free-for-all Kick-boxing Tournament, sponsored by Coca-Cola.
Within minutes, she had decimated all her opponents, with the exception of her brother Taimandred, and a shrouded figure who called himself Bob. She frowned thoughtfully, Taimandred’s superior kick-boxing skills could easily be explained—he was her kin, but as for Bob...
Ignoring Taimandred, and turning to Bob, Lanfear demanded, "Who are you?"
Throwing back his cloak to reveal a short Greek guy, the man formerly known as Bob replied in a deep voice, very much reminiscent of Darth Vader, "I am your father."
No wonder, Lanfear thought, he is also my kin.
Shrugging, Lanfear’s father went off to watch CNN.
Finally sparing a glance for Taimandred, Lanfear decided to use cunning to overtake him.
"Nick, phone for you," she yelled before adding, "Again."
Immediately weaving a gateway and stepping through, Taimandred rushed to get the phone, never suspecting betrayal on his sister’s part.
Lifting her chin arrogantly, Lanfear made her classic god-like pose as the NPC announcer proclaimed her winner by default. Taking the large golden cup in her arms, Lanfear frowned at the inscription that read: "Always Coca-Cola." It must mean something in another Age, she thought. Bringing her massive intellect to bear once again, Lanfear gently placed her Spork in the cup. For some reason, they seemed to befit each other. Going OOC to check her watch, Lanfear smiled. It was time for the Animal Testing protest.
Stepping through a gateway to meet a group of people mostly consisting of wolf-brothers, Lanfear channeled and a great banner with big red letters appeared that read, "Against animal testing unless the animal is male." Lanfear saw some of the male wolf-brothers frown, but none voiced opinions. After all, she thought, she was one of the Chosen.
Phoenix frowned at the signs and spoke, "Since it seems that the public does not approve of animal testing, from now on, all experiments will be conducted on humans."
A cheer rose up among the crowd, only pausing for an outraged woman to ask, "What about the male animals?"
"Ah yes," Phoenix said. "Them too."
Once again the crowd roared their approval, and Lanfear, with great satisfaction clearly shown on her face, let the banner vanish and yawned. It had been a long day; perhaps it was time to retire. With that thought in mind, she channeled to open a gateway, briefly noting that the Amyrlin seemed to be chasing Phoenix, yelling, "I will be the one who discovers the secret of the useless ter’angreal!" Lifting her chin arrogantly as she Traveled, Lanfear thought to herself, that half-trained, Light-blinded child will never have half as much chocolate pudding as I.
THE END
