Date: 06/8/99 06:24:10 PM
Name: The Amyrlin Seat
Subject: My new silly
The Amyrlin checked her schedule for the day. She ate lunch with one of her Ajah Heads every day. She hoped it wouldn’t be Therva this time. The Yellow sister was a little too descriptive about the work of her Ajah for good lunchtime conversation.
Flipping through the pages of her day planner, she began to smile. It was Lanfir’s turn today. Making a note to restock the liquor cabinet, she waited for Lanfir to arrive.
Lanfir arrived precisely five minutes late, as usual and smiled at the novice. "Green salad and mint tea," she ordered. Kathana ordered a bacon sandwich and pudding for desert.
"So, um... new look?" Kathana said inquisitively.
Lanfir’s blonde curls were now upswept into a formation that an entire hive of bees would not be ashamed to live in.
The perky Green smiled. "Yeah, I woke up this morning and thought, 'Hey, what the heck!' You like it?"
"It's ...interesting, Lannie. Very interesting."
She smiled again. "I knew people would like it. So let's talk about business. Have you met my new Warder?"
Downstairs, Lone Wolf was looking for Chissa, his bondholder. "Hey," he said, grabbing a passing novice. "Have you seen Chissa Sedai?"
"Oh, she’s with the rest of the Whites. They have some kind of visitor in the Hydrangea Garden." She pointed down the hall to the doors.
"Okay, thanks."
Coming into the gardens, he saw a small group of Aes Sedai gathered around a strange man in a blue shirt. Nearing the group, he saw that the man had strangely slanted eyebrows and oddly pointed ears. He was lecturing the group and all their heads were nodding. "Of course," they murmured. "Absolutely." "It's so logical."
"And that is why the sock came first. Any questions?"
"None from me," said Kalysta. "I’m sold."
"Yes," said Dazzle. "Your logic is impeccable, Mr. Spock. Absolutely impeccable."
"Um. What’s going on here?" said Lone Wolf.
"This is Mr. Spock. We’ve been discussing logic. He’s really good at it too."
"Um, okay. Sounds great."
"Yeah, he’s also got this great neck pinching trick too. Go ahead and show him, Spock."
"I am not sure that’s a good idea."
"Oh please!" begged Dazzle. "It's so cool!"
"Well, okay." he said. "Hold still, Lone Wolf. It will only hurt for a minute." He reached out for his neck.
"Hey! Wait a --" With a soft thud, he collapsed on the ground.
The White sisters applauded enthusiastically.
"That was so cool!" said Dazzle.
"Yeah, let's go show Serguent. I bet he’d really like it." said Kalysta.
As they walked away, Lone Wolf twitched slightly on the ground.
Silver Sedai was looking for her Warder, Dalinarius.
"Oh Dali! Dali! I have something I want to show you."
With a long suffering sigh, Dalinarius came out from where he was hiding.
"What is it, my love?"
"I don’t know. But it sure is cute!". She held up a tiny ball of fuzz with both hands. "Isn’t it cute?"
"It's a tribble," he told her.
"It's not trouble! It's so little and cute!" She began to pet it, making little cooing noises.
"It's called a tribble, my lovely. Ender told me about them. We need to get rid of him before he starts to multiply."
"But then we’ll have more. How can that be bad? You're not bad, are you my precious wittle baby?" Silver began making cooing noises again. Dalinarius sighed. His Aes Sedai was never that affectionate with him.
"Fine, you can keep it for a few days. But once it starts to breed, it's gone."
"Yay!!!"
Dreda walked past the Yellows Quarters on her way to the storerooms to get more bird seed. Who would have thought it would be as addicting as mint tea for the Greens? Hearing some odd noises, she paused by the door to listen. A man with care-worn face and folksy way of speaking seemed to be discussing Healing with them.
"Now mind you ladies, " he said. "This is absolutely, without a doubt, only for medicinal
purposes. Here, have another sample." Peeking around the edge of the door, Dreda saw the man pour them all a shot of whiskey.
"Hmm... Not bad." said Soraya.
"Yeah," agreed Therva. "I can see why Lanfir almost picked Yellow. Would you like us to explain how we Heal with the One Power, Dr. McCoy?"
"No, I’m just a simple country doctor. And please, call me Bones, girls. More whiskey?"
On the Warders Practice Grounds, a strange man watched the Warders dice. After awhile, a new guy came up and quietly watched them play. Finally he shook his head and sighed.
"You guys are playing a kid's game."
"A kid's game?" said Joe, indignant. "We’re dicing here! All the guys in the Randland dice. It's the ultimate in manliness!"
The stranger shook his hand again. "Trust me. Where I come from dicing is a kiddie game."
He pulled out a pack of playing cards and began to shuffle them with an over developed sense of drama.
Nynaeve’s Warder, Lan mouthed 'What a moron!' over his head at Joe.
Joe shrugged.
"Okay. Show us your game, stranger."
"Call me Kirk," said the stranger, happily squatting down with the rest of them. "Okay," he rapidly dealt the cards out. "Everyone gets six cards, except for the guy on the dealer’s right. He gets seven."
"Sounds okay to me," said Matalina, seated on his right.
The White Ajah and their new friend Spock wandered over, still looking for Serguent.
"Now, you turn over the second card. Oh look! You’ve got a half fizzbin already!" Kirk tapped the cards in front of Joe. "Now you need to get another jack and you’ll have a royal fizzbin."
"Is that good?" asked Lan.
"Oh yes, but it's very rare." Kirk turned to Spock. "Tell them what the odds of a royal fizzbin are, Spock."
Spock gave him the Vulcan equivalent of a blank look and replied, "I have never calculated the odds of a royal fizzbin."
"See? That proves it!"
"Of course it does," said Joe, shaking his head. He was used to this kind of logic from his bondholder. The Amyrlin’s Warder flipped over another card. "It's a two. What do I get now?"
Before Kirk could make up another answer, a very angry voice yelled over the crowd. "You! I finally caught up with you!"
"Huh?", the befuddled captain asked.
Serafelle Sedai, Head of the Brown Ajah and self-confessed compulsive proofreader stalked over and grabbed Kirk by the scruff of his neck.
"You keep splitting the infinitive, you moron!"
She began yanking him down the practice yard towards the Tower, berating him all the while. "Its supposed to be ‘to go boldly’, not ‘to boldly go’. You're incorrect and shall
have to be punished..."
"Great, now what do we do?" said Joe, flinging down his remaining cards.
Dazzle began bouncing up and down on her toes. "Oh, I know! Mr. Spock can show us his trick again!"
"What trick?" asked Matalina.
"Show them, please?" asked Chissa.
"Okay, but this is the last time. I mean it." Spock looked at Joe. "Hold still." he commanded.
"Hey! What are y--"
The Amyrlin sighed as she went back to her Study. Lunch with the beehive-hairdo’ed Green Head had been nice, as usual. Plus she had gotten to visit with Lanfir’s Warder, Dark Blight.
They had made fun of each other for awhile, then argued about whether or not spousal abuse was okay, even if the spouse was Faile.
She walked over to her chair and sat down, then immediately got back up again. There was something in her chair. Looking, she found a purring ball of fluff. Kathana picked it up and looked around to see where it came from. More of the little fuzzy things littered the room. Out in the hall, there were several more.
Puzzled, the Amyrlin followed the trail down to the Blue Quarters. Several of the Blues were playing with the little fuzz balls. A giant pile of them sat in the corner.
"What’s going on here?" she demanded in her best Amyrlin voice.
"Aren’t these cute?" said Mnemosyne.
"Yeah, they’re great. Now what are they?"
The pile in the corner shifted and Silver’s head poked out. "They’re called tribbles, Mother." she said, a touch out of breath.
"Okay. Now why are they all over the Tower?"
Silver looked a bit sheepish. "I don’t know, but they sure are cute!"
The Amyrlin sighed. "Yes, dear. They’re darling. Now..."
Before she got a chance to answer, a random novice ran in the room out of breath. "Mother, come quickly!" she panted, dropping a curtsy. "Serafelle needs you downstairs
immediately!"
"Great, now what?" the Amyrlin muttered.
Deep in the mysterious heart of the Green Quarters, Lanfir was entertaining a guest. She smiled at him and tucked a stray piece of hair back into her bee hive.
The man chuckled. "I think you’ve had a wee bit much to drink, lass." he said in a thick Scottish accent.
"Nonsense." she declared. "I can drink anyone under the table. Except maybe Dark Blight, but he’s an Aussie."
"Well, too bad ye can’t prove it, lass. We’re out of the brandy." Scottie said, regretfully draining his glass.
Lanfir thought about that for a moment. "I think I might have something you might like."
She went over to her desk and pulled out a package of tea leaves. Channeling, she heated up water until she had it hot enough to brew tea.
"What do ye have there?"
"It's Green." she said with another smile.
Lone Wolf had woken up alone and abandoned in the gardens. He rubbed his neck and wondered what had happened. Sitting up, he saw Captain Kirk slumped against a tree nursing several bruises.
"Hey, what happened to you?"
"There was this woman who yelled at me for having bad grammar. And then, she got two of her friends. One was a short woman with this striped thing around her neck, the other was
this weird guy. I think he was dead. The guy knocked me down and the woman kicked me in the face."
"Did the woman call you ‘hun’ or ‘dear’?", Lone Wolf asked.
"Yeah." Kirk nodded despondently.
"Sounds like you had a run in with our beloved Amyrlin Seat. Just be glad she didn’t hit you with a shovel or a sharp rock. She likes to do that too."
"Jeez. She sounds like a real psycho."
"Actually, she’s calmed down a lot since we started going out. Just stay away when she starts talking baby talk. That’s just weird." Lone Wolf shook his head.
"Who was the guy?"
"I think it may have been Ender. He’s the only dead guy we have that refuses to stay dead."
"What kind of whacked out planet is this? Dead people don’t stay dead. Political leaders go around beating people up and I’m talking to a guy carrying a heron mark spork."
"Hey! The Heron Mark™ is the sign of a blade master!"
"Oh yeah?" Kirk said derisively. He pulled out his phaser. "Heron mark this, sucker."
A beam of energy shot out and hit Lone Wolf squarely in the chest. He collapsed to the ground, twitching for the second time that day. Kirk got up and nudged him with his foot.
"Darn it. I forgot I had it set to stun. Oh well." Kirk shrugged and ran off.
Limping slightly, the Amyrlin wandered the grounds of the White Tower with a shovel and a sack, looking for more tribbles. "Aha!", she yelled as she whacked another tribble and scooped it into her sack. "Gotcha, ya little varmint."
Coming across the Warder’s Practice Grounds, Kathana found ten more tribbles and her comatose Warder. "Hey, what happened to you, Joe?" she asked, waking him up.
"I don’t know. I think Spock used me to demonstrate his Famous Vulcan Nerve Pinch." he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "What happened to your foot?"
"I kicked Captain Kirk in the face.", she told him, helping him up.
"May I ask why, or is this one of those Amyrlin things?"
"Well, Serafelle wanted us..."
"Us?"
"Yeah, me and Ender."
"I thought he died."
"He did. Anyways, she wanted our help punishing him for his bad grammar. I didn’t really care about that though."
"So why did you do it?", her Warder asked.
"Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. It was horrible. I had to punish Shatner for writing and directing it. Kicking him in the face seemed like a good idea." she explained.
"Oh, okay. I guess that’s a reason. Sort of."
"Yup." The Amyrlin’s eyes trailed off across the lawns. "Aha!" She scooped up her skirts, grabbed her shovel and whacked herself another tribble. "Gotcha, ya little punk fuzz ball."
"Um, Kat. What’s going on?" Joe scratched his head, trying to figure out her more-bizarre-than-usual behavior.
"There’s tribbles everywhere, Joe. We have to get rid of them before..."
"Before they disrupt the fragile ecology of Tar Valon?"
"No. We have to get rid of them before they eat all my pudding."
"Of course, Mother. How foolish of me."
"Is that sarcasm I detect?" she asked sharply.
"Absolutely not."
"Okay. Because I can tell, you know."
"Right."
"Bite me, Art Boy."
They continued wandering through the White Tower, looking for tribbles, until they came to the Gardens.
"Wolfie!" Kathana dropped her sack and ran over to where Lone Wolf was lying. "What did they do to you, hun?"
"No, Mommy, I don’t wanna go to school today. The big kids will make fun of me again..."
With a snort, Lone Wolf woke all the way up. "Huh? Oh, wait a minute..."
Kathana patted his hand. "It's okay, hun. We understand. Who did this to you?"
"Well, first it was Spock and his neck pinch thing. Then Kirk hit me with his phaser."
"Oh you poor wittle baby." Kathana began.
"Hey! We agreed! No more baby talk! It's creepy."
"Okay, fine. Have it your way." she pouted.
"Hey, remember me? Your Warder?" Joe asked.
"Oh, yeah. Joe, get your Sword of Smitingness ready. No one abuses Wolfie except for me."
"Oh, this sounds bad."
"Shut up, Mike."
"Shutting up now, Mother."
"Don’t call me that. It's creepy."
Just then, loud off-key singing could be heard. The small party turned and saw Lanfir and Scottie making their uneven way towards them. Scottie immediately collapsed on the ground next to Lone Wolf and began snoring. Lanfir wrapped her arms around the tree and giggled.
"Um, Lannie? Are you okay?" asked the Amyrlin.
"Oh sure. Just give me a minute with my new friend here." She patted the tree affectionately. "Hey there handsome," the very drunk Green cooed. "Howzabout becoming my new Warder? I really go for the tall and silent type."
"Lanfir? You are aware that you’re trying to bond a tree?" asked Joe.
"Shush! I’m trying to work here!" She ran one hand up and down the trunk of the tree in a seductive manner. "Well?"
When the tree didn’t answer, she slapped it across its "face"
"You tease!" she shrieked and tried to stalk off. Lanfir made it about three steps before she tripped over Scottie.
"Okay, that was surreal." said Lone Wolf.
"Yeah, that was." agreed Joe.
"But it wrapped up an important plot point." pointed out Kathana.
"You consider that important? Lanfir trying to bond a tree?"
"Shut up Wolfie."
"Yes, Mother."
"Didn’t we just talk about that?"
"Shouldn’t we be trying to catch the rest of the tribbles?" asked Joe. "They are over-running the place."
"Oh yeah. Good idea, Joe. We ought to find Chissa. Lone Wolf, where is she?"
"Umm.... Let me think. Last time I saw her, she was hanging out with Mr. Spock." he said.
"Okay, that really helps us now, hun." Kathana replied.
"Just a minute. Just a minute." He closed his eyes so he could concentrate. "She should be....right about.... There!" He pointed at the other end of the gardens, where Spock, Chissa and the rest of the Whites had just turned the corner of the path.
"Oh, he’s good." said Joe, slightly awed.
"Hi Chissa. You want to help us whack tribbles? It's really fun!" asked the Amyrlin.
"I don’t know.... I’m kind of busy with Spock here..." she trailed off surveying the scene.
Lone Wolf and Kathana were sitting on the ground, with a shovel and a sackful of tribbles next to them. Scottie and Lanfir were passed out under the tree and Joe standing guard over it all. "Hey, what’s going on here, anyways?"
"It would take too long to explain. Just scroll up and read all the stuff you missed." Kathana told her.
"Oh okay. I get it. But what are you going to do with them when you catch them all, Mother?", Chissa asked.
"Hmm..... Good question. Well, we’ll eat that pudding cup when we come to it." the Amyrlin told them. "Everyone, grab a shovel and a sack! We’re going tribble whacking!"
Everyone found themselves a shovel and a burlap sack and began whacking tribbles for all they were worth. The White sisters were remarkably enthusiastic about it. Lanfir rolled over onto her back and began to snore.
"Umm.... Kat?"
"Yes, Joe?"
"Shouldn’t you be ending the story soon? It's kind of dragging." he told her.
"Yeah, I’m just looking for one more opportunity to abuse Lone Wolf."
A man’s scream could be heard across the lawns. "Sorry, Lone Wolf." yelled Kalysta Sedai. "I thought you were a tribble!"
"Okay, now I can write the ending."
Captain Kirk ran into the gardens. "You! You're the woman who kicked me! You're not supposed to do that! You're supposed to be really attracted to me. Then I get to break your heart and go off into space, because I’m such a stud."
"You're depriving some village of its idiot, aren’t you?" Kathana asked, with heavy sarcasm. "It doesn’t work that way here. Here, I get to kick you in the face, while my Warder spanks you with his Sword of Smitingness."
"But... but..."
"No buts, hun. Now go away." she told him.
"I just have one question. What did you do to my crew?" Kirk demanded. He gestured around the gardens where Scottie was passed out, Spock was surrounded by a crowd of adoring White sisters and a humming McCoy was just entering with a bottle of "medicinal" whiskey in his hand and Soraya Sedai on his arm.
"That happens to everyone who comes here for a visit. I blame the violent video games, TV and the absence of prayer in public schools." Kathana explained.
"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Joe.
"Absolutely nothing. But the Republicans blame those things for everything that goes wrong, so I thought I’d give it a try." she told him. "Anyways, we had this problem last week. You want us to send you home?" the Amyrlin asked him.
"Yes! Please! Send me back!" Kirk begged.
"Okay, let me think. This involves math, so I’m going to have to guess."
"Should I be scared?" asked Kirk.
"Yes. Be very scared." Lone Wolf told him.
Ignoring them, Kathana continued. " We used two women and two men last time. Plus a big sa’angreal. We’ve got three White sisters, me and Lanfir...sorta." she said, glancing at the blissfully snoring Green. "Plus Soraya. Hmm....That’s..." the Amyrlin counted on her fingers. "Six, right? Okay, I think if we all link, we can send you home."
"Umm....Mother? I think you..." Kalysta began.
"Just let it go, Kalysta. She hasn’t killed anyone yet." said Joe.
"'Yet' being the key word there." said Lone Wolf.
"If you're all done making fun of me, we need to wake Lannie up. Soraya, go get some coffee or something." the Amyrlin ordered.
"You can’t order me around." Soraya sniffed.
"Could you just pretend to respect me for ten minutes?" Kathana pleaded.
"Oh fine, just don’t get used to it or anything."
Soraya left and came back a few minutes later, with a pot of coffee and a bucket of cold water. "Oh, good idea," said Chissa. "We can throw the water on her to wake her up, then give her the coffee."
"Actually," said Soraya with an evil grin. "I got it for Kathana and Lone Wolf."
"Ha ha. Very funny." said an indignant Amyrlin.
"Hey, you're ten minutes is up." said Soraya, still grinning.
Gritting her teeth, Kathana gamely pressed on. "Anyways, if you could throw that water onto Lanfir, we would all be grateful."
"If you insist." Soraya gleefully splashed the water onto the comatose Green.
Lanfir sat straight up, gasping. "Oh! I had the strangest dream. You were there and you were there and so was this tree..." She trailed off. "Hey, wait a minute! That wasn’t a dream, was it?"
"Never mind that, hun." said the Amyrlin handing her a cup of coffee. "Just drink this and tell me when you think you can channel."
After a few minutes, Lanfir lost the glazed, unfocused look. "Okay, I think I’m ready now."
The Amyrlin quickly linked all the Aes Sedai together. "Alright, Kirk. Get all your people in
a group."
Kirk, McCoy and Spock gathered together into a knot around Scottie. "Four to beam out." ordered Kirk.
"Will you knock it off? I give the orders around here." Kathana snapped.
"Sorry." he muttered sheepishly. "I was just trying to help."
The Amyrlin rolled her eyes and created the weave used for Traveling. Instead of snapping together into a gateway as usual, it created a shimmery effect on the Enterprise crew. Slowly, they melted away into nothingness.
"Cool!" said Lone Wolf.
"Okay, that’s done with. I haven’t eaten in twenty minutes; someone find me some pudding." said the Amyrlin.
"Kat, we still have all those tribbles here..." began Joe.
"No, I want pudding. With sprinkles, I think."
"No, Kat. You need to get rid of them all. They’re taking over the Tower."
"Hmm..... I know! Let’s feed them to Sathinar. He’ll eat anything."
"Good plan, I guess." her Warder agreed.
"Of course it is. All my plans are good."
The Amyrlin grabbed Chissa, Lone Wolf and her Warder and began walking down the path. The rest of the Aes Sedai trailed along behind, trying to look as if they weren’t eavesdropping. "Now, let me tell you about my plan to fill the river Erinin with pudding..."
--The End--
