All In A Day's Work
This is a story from long ago and a place far away. Well, really not that far away, since you're in Dragonmount now. Or it might be if you can' get into the message boards. Then you're reading this with your telepathic/one powerish skills. Anyway, this story is about some of the people there, some of the most visible people there and some people who are wot-ish and on my icq list. No malice was intended. All jokes are for pure amusement and to keep me from studying for my exams. Without further ado, let us proceed into the story…
(Novice/Accepted Giania runs into the barn in a typical novice/accepted manner to talk to Lan (either the book one or the one formerly called Whitewolf. Either one works. J )
Novice/Accepted Giania: (pauses on route) I am now online. (resumes her rush) Oh Lan Gaiden, come quickly. It's Nynaeve (definitely the book one; I have pity for icq-deprived people)!
Lan: (hand on sword) What has happened to her?! Speak girl or I'll…
Novice/Accepted Giania: She's discovered the truth about Warders! That they're bonded for their sex toy usefulness and not for their sword abilities! (pauses; noting the irony of that)
Lan: Mon Dieu! I must save her! That knowledge will kill her!
(Nynaeve walks in with a big grin on her face)
Nynaeve: (yells back through door) Thanks boys!
Obligatory Dark Blight: (peering in door wearing nothing but green sequined oh-so-tight briefs) No problem, ma'am. (DB grin) A pleasure to serve one of our own.
Phoenix: (from his god-like position) Hehehehe
Lan: (gasps) Have you gone Green, Nynaeve?
Nynaeve: (grins) No…But I know the truth about Warders now…And you're supposed to be the best… (grins in a predatory manner)
(Lan just gasps and backs away from the grinning woman)
Novice/Accepted Giania: (decides to leave, since both Lan and Nyn seem to be ignoring her. Hurries to the barn door, pausing only to say) I'm going offline now.
(Back at the Black Tower. Da boyz have caught a Forsaken in disguise)
Reyals: Please don't hurt me! I just use this name to post under! (whimpers on the ground)
Shadowkiller: Sure…And I'm the Dragon Reborn. (poses dramatically, boot on Reyals)
(multiple painful weaves being woven; Reyals whimpers and covers his eyes)
Hawkwing: (a little tottery with the bottle of Scotch in one hand and a bottle of Bailey's in the other) If you just wanted to post, you could easily make a..um..I forgot. Alias? Yeah, that's the word. (grins)
Reyals: Hot damn! I forgot about that! (resumes whimpering)
(Dark Blight comes in, bearing shot glasses and tequila)
Dark Blight: (DB grin) I have a way to make him talk…
Shadowkiller: (eyes the tequila) Are you sure that we should waste tequila on one of the Forsaken?
Dark Blight: Yeah…Lanfir won't let me touch the Apfelkorn. Besides… (eyes Reyals) he won't last past three. I know about these things.
Blackthorne: (snicker) Yeah, you know first hand about that don't you, Dirty Blankets. Especially when I beat you in a drinking competition.
Dark Blight: Oh shut up, you…Oh, I can't think of anything to say. You win.
Phoenix: (still in his god-like position) Hehehehehe
Hawkwing: (rubs his eyes) I thought you were dead.
Reyals: (looks up) Yeah, me too. I stole my title from you.
Blackthorne: Um…I came to visit.
Hawkwing: Oh, that's nice. (resumes drinking)
(Taim comes on scene, hands on hips)
Taim: What are you Asha'man doing?
Shadowkiller: (grabs Reyals by the hair; he whimpers) We captured a Forsaken.
Hawkwing: So we're drinking to celebrate. (raises the Scotch bottle)
(Dark Blight just grins)
Taim: So I see…How come none of you asked my permission?
All three: Um… (shifts feet)
Taim: (sighs) My authority…gone downhill so fast. (takes a beer and has a chug; suddenly notices Blackthorne) You! What are you doing here! I thought I told you to not come around again!
Blackthorne: On condition if I ever did any bad stuff again.
Taim: Oh yeah. I forgot. Well, killing yourself wasn't exactly good.
Blackthorne: Yeah. I realize as a Catholic I will burn in hell for this.
Taim: (nods) Good. The Dark One needs to have some company.
(The drinking continues on into the night. It's night and the lights are off)
Reyals: I'll never tell! (glup) You'll…hafta do morez then that!
Dark Blight: Oh, *&$@ this! I want a drink too! You're not getting the whole bottle!
(sounds of DB drinking. If you listen carefully, you can hear Grey Avatar and Kathana giggling in the background. Lanfir is giggling too, but that's due to other things)
(sound of a body dropping to the ground)
Hawkwing: Hey! Slayer's on the ground! He's dead!
Shadowkiller: (beer in hand) Nah, he's immortal. He'll just wake up tomorrow with a killer headache!
Dark Blight: That's what comes of trying to outdrunk an Aussie!
(No one giggles)
Dark Blight: Um…Mates…Right?
(Drunk-o-vision cut to the next scene)
(A big garden in the White Tower)
Ciara: Lala! It's spring! I love spring! Tata! (dances around the garden)
Arik Korpin/Green Brother: I do too! (dances with Ciara)
Ciara: Come brother! Let's steal some pies from the kitchen! (grabs his hand)
Arik Korpin/Green Brother: Um, are Aes Sedai supposed to do that? I haven't read many of the Wheel of Time books.
Ciara: (giggles) Of course! Moraine is the chief pie stealer of the all!
Arik Korpin/Green Brother: Okay, then. (grins and runs off with Ciara)
(Lanfir enters with her warders: Darksied-D 'the Quiet One' and Fremen 'the Questioner'. Dark Blight was not present, due to last night's activities and currently recovering from massive amounts of Healing)
Lanfir: (groans) Oh, I swear, I'll never have another case of Apfelkorn, what they call Two Rivers brandy here. (groans again)
(Both Warders groan)
Lanfir: Oh, I think I'm gonna… (Warders quickly aid her)
Darksied-D: (glares at Fremen) I'm the only true Warder to her. The rest of you are Asha'man.
Fremen: We can protect her more. That's why she bonded us. (sneer) And I was the only one to interrogate Blackthorne and get answers out of her.
Darksied-D: But Dark Blight helped you by distracting her with dirty jokes!
Fremen: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Nevermind.
Lanfir: Boys, I'm having a minor crisis here and you're arguing over Blackthorne?
(Both apologize and beg for forgiveness; they receive it because Lanfir's a nice person)
(In yet another part of the garden)
Resurrection Joe: (smile) And to show our love and respect to the Mother, here's a chocolate castle for the Mother to enjoy. Oh, did I mention that I'm leaving the Whitecloaks? Too stuffy for a man like me. (smile)
Kathana: Chocolate? All for me? Back off, girls. This one's mine.
Serafelle: Now, now. You shouldn't eat gifts from Whitecloaks. You know that goes against Tower policy.
Kathana: Screw it. It's chocolate.
Serafelle: Why did I take this job? (sigh)
(Kathana puts on her bib and dives on it)
Kathana: Oh no! It's BAD chocolate! It's the cheap kind from neighborhood associations! (faints)
(Resurrection Joe becomes Demandred)
Demandred: Mwahaha! You fell for my plan! You're so stupid! You fell right into it! Shai'tan kill me, I'm so clever!
(Clouds begin to gather in the heavens above Demandred)
Demandred: On second thoughts, cancel that.
(The clouds disappear)
Phoenix: (eating M&M's in his god-like position, looking down upon the innocent lives of his DM people) Hehehehehehehe
(Yveva Sedai appears with countless other Aes Sedai)
Yveva: You won't get away with this. We have you surrounded and the authorities have been dispatched.
(Ishamael and Lanfear appears, giggling evily)
Demandred: (smiles) Oh, really? Well, I see my reinforcements have arrived.
Ishamael: Not really. (giggles with Lanfear)
Lanfear: We want to rule Shayol Ghul ourselves. (giggles)
Demandred: Well, okay. If you insist. But being Org Leader is a real pain in the ass. You have to update member info, welcome new members, explain all the old stuff to newbies, make sure that a pecking order exists…
(Ishamael and Lanfear are stunned by the amount of work involved)
Demandred: …Clean the Pit now and again. Mind you, I never did have of it.
Lanfear: See! I told you he was neglecting his duties!
(During this time, all three Forsaken have been shielded)
Morgan Sedai: (taps Ishamael on the shoulder) Um, sorry, but you've been shielded. You too, missy.
Ishamael: (roars with anger) This isn't fair! Mom! (disappears with Lanfear)
(Kathana wakes up)
Kathana: Eh? What happened?
Serafelle: Ishamael and Lanfear have gone to appeal to a higher power.
Kathana: Oh, okay. Can I have my pudding now?
Serafelle: (sighs) Yes, Mother.
Demandred: That's funny. Every time I talk about my responsibilities as Org Leader, they disappear. (shakes his head) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Your puny little tower is going down!
Ben: (deep voice) Not if I can stop it! (grins)
(Ben tramps in with an assortment of Warders)
Demandred: (laughs) You're a waste of my time. (flicks his finger and nothing happens) Damn. I hate it when that happens. Okay, choose your method. Since I'm second best in everything to Phoenix, I'm better than you. Of course, you could simply die and save everyone some time.
Ben: Never! (grins) How 'bout a grinning contest?
(They GRIN. Naturally, Ben wins. Because he's the good guy and no one, not even Phoenix can beat him at grinning. Only Blackthorne comes even close *g*)
Demandred: Dammit! Best of three? (hopeful)
Ben: Naw. It would be a waste of my time. (grins)
(Demandred takes the hint and runs out of the Tower under the laughter of the whole of Dragonmount)
Phoenix: (even he's laughing) Hehehehehe
Narell marches in, in full Xena armor. Behind her is her frilly nightie-clad sidekick Francesca; one-eyed Ender oogles them openly, something that only one-eyed men can do in safety)
Narell: Where's the bad guys? (raises her whip menancingly)
Therva: They're gone. Hey, I thought you were…you know, dead.
Narell: I keep forgetting that…Come on Ender, we're dead.
(They disappear into thin air, Ender having one last look at the ladies, leaving Francesca, to whom everyone stares)
Francesca: What? There's nothing wrong with wearing clothing for your own enjoyment.
Lone Wolf: Hmmmm…(does a quick sketch for the Tower records)
Jon'atha: Hmmmm…Interesting. Like Jonathon Bowser's art…
Francesca: (sniffs) Nothing wrong at all. (hurries back into the Tower. She runs into Darksmoon)
Francesca: (sniffs and Air-pinches his bottom)
Darksmoon: Ouch! Hehehehe.
(Lanfir and all her Warders arrive just in time)
Lanfir: There you are! Come here and get bonded again! That's a command!
Darksmoon: No way! I do kisses, not leashes! (scratches his armpit)
Dark Blight: (sighs) To think I won a contest to get bonded to her and this one gets chosen by her, no strings attached!
Lanfir: Darksmoon…Come here.
(Darksmoon comes. Relunctantly. Lanfir's true colours emerge)
Lanfir: (whispers to Darksmoon) I will give you power beyond imagining. I will give you so much beer. You're an engineering guy in Virginia. You like beer. I've never had a Warder slip the leash before. Come back home honey and I'll make it worth it. (does the Green™ wink)
Darksmoon: Um…I like beer…What to do? No, I'm an Org Leader and dammit, I have to set an example! (grins) Sure.
Aldazar: Nooo! Don't do it! It's a trick! She just wants a tame Wolfbrother so she can boast that she has an animal in her bed!
Dark Blight: Actually…(sees the listening crowd) Um, nothing. (DB grin)
Darksmoon: Really? I'm an animal in bed? (grins) Cool.
Phoenix: (looks down to this daily scene) Hehehehehe
(Meanwhile, the Aes Sedai of Non-Green Ajahs are trying to get recruits for their Ajahs while Lanfir's distracted)
Nynaeve: Oh yeah, we Heal a lot. Why, last week, there was a big riot down in Tear, so we Traveled there and there was this one case where this man's leg was cut right off. That was a hard one to Heal. You see…(ignores the listener's pale colour)
Serafelle: Oh, you want to know about the Brown Ajah. Let me finish my book first. Oh, drat. I have band practice. Want to hear me sing?
Serinia: Well, I'm the only Grey. I take care of the Novices, when I'm not stopping wars and world hunger.
Silver Vidal: We're Blues. We get to chase men around the world. So I guess we're sort of like Greens, except we're more persistent.
Chissa: White is the way to go. Except I'm always busy doing other stuff, since I'm the Keeper. Excuse me. I need to get the Mother some pudding.
Francesca: Why join Red? (looks down at her clothing) Figure out yourself. I'm going home.
(Tarishma is talking with a possible Green recruit about female Warders)
Tari: Oh yeah, it's great. My Warder is a woman too, so she can understand me and I can understand her. Did you know that I study ter'angreal? There's lots of them in the Tower. Currently, I'm studying this red rod-like one…I think it may take my entire lifetime to figure out all its uses…
(Shadowkiller Travels into the scene)
Shadowkiller: (shouts over the masses) Kaleyra! Where is she?
(Kaleyra waves a hand)
Shadowkiller: Ilyena, you must see this!
Shadowkiller: It's marvelous! A true innovation!
Kaleyra: If you don't tell me, I'll make Radish insane again.
Shadowkiller: (shivers) Okay. We were playing with Slayer last night and we discovered something. If you channel Water, Spirit and Fire into a bottle of beer, it tastes real good. (Kaleyra stares at him) We can make money off of this! We'll get Blackthorne to sell only our beer in the Spring of Morning! Just think, living the easy life. Servants all around you. No need to go trampling off into the world every minute.
Kaleyra: Um, Shady, that's my job.
Shadowkiller: So quit it.
Kaleyra: You're drunk.
Shadowkiller: (grins) I know. It's fun. Want a beer?
Kaleyra: Sure. Maybe it will help me with my Latin assignment.
(They blend into the crowd. The party continues into the night)
(Sathinar meeting with four hooded fiends at a dark and remote place)
Sathinar: (nervous) Hello. I've never done this sort of thing before. It's one thing thinking of betraying your friends and another thing to do it.
Fiend #1: Just keep on talking and you'll get the money.
Sathinar: (rubs his hands) Yes…The money.
Fiend #2: So where is Dragonmount's server located?
Sathinar: In California. I suspect it to be very near to Phoenix. Almost under his very eyes.
(Fiend#3 writes this down)
Fiend#2: And Phoenix's userid and password?
Sathinar: (licks his lips) Jedi_Knight and his password is…OBKENOB
Fiend#1: Good. It's good to tell the truth.
Fiend#4: (giggles) Phoenix won't know what hit him!
(The other Fiends shut Fiend#4 up with a glare; Fiend#1 gets a suitcase and opens it, revealing it full of money)
Fiend#2: Here's the money we promised. Now go and tell no one.
Sathinar: I swear!
(Sathinar goes home and calls everyone he knows to warn them)
(All the Fiends laugh when Sathinar leaves; they take off their disguises to reveal themselves as Phoenix's real life friends and his girlfriend!)
Friend#1:Okay, we'll break the server during the Breaking at Dragonmount. Jason won't suspect a thing because everything will be screwed because of the Breaking.
Friend#2: It's for his own good. He's been obsessing with Wheel of Time for too long. Doesn't he know Episode One is coming out next month? He needs to work on the SW site, not the WoT one. Jordan isn't due to put out a new book for two years!
Girlfriend: Just don't do too much damage, okay? He's worked so hard on it.
I just want him to stop calling me Elayne during intimate moments, that's all.
Friend#3: Don't worry. I'm sure that he has it all backed up. That's one of the things we learned in class a long time ago!
Girlfriend: Okay, if you say so. (sounding skeptical)
Friend#1: Right, so we'll meet here at 10 on April 1st. That way, if he catches us, we'll say it's an April Fool's joke.
Friend#3: Good idea. Now let's scam before he catches us.
Phoenix: (sees this and sighs) I'm not laughing.
(The caring Friends and Girlfriend run off, leaving a mystery as clear as the Caramilk Secret for the whole of Dragonmount to figure out)
Thus endth this episode of life at Dragonmount
Thank you for reading