He didn't know what to do, what to say, how to act, if he was to act, he didn't know which way to move, he didn't hear the conversations going on around him. He sat with his head lowered, the top of his head visible to the person that wandered by periodically, his hands clasped in front of him. JC on one side, Andre on the other.
The other three members of N'Sync were standing in a group near the door talking amongst themselves in whispers; other security was nearby. Johnny Wright and Larry Smith, their managers, stood on the other side of the room talking in whispers as well.
Justin was oblivious to it all.
Over and over, everytime he shut his eyes for even a moment, he kept seeing her body get hit by the force of the car.
He refused, just flat out refused, to leave the hospital until he knew McKennah was going to be okay. His clothing was covered in her blood but he didn't care...all he cared about was making sure she was okay.
Oh, how he wished he could take back the words they had both said to one another. He knew he hurt her feelings, but the jealousy streak he had was a bad one. He hadn't meant for anything bad to happen to her, Lord knows he loved her so much he only wanted to protect and love her. Just like she did him.
Justin suddenly stood up, and left the room. Andre followed a second later, finding Justin in the bathroom down the hall, staring at himself in the mirror.
His blue eyes met Andre's dark brown eyes sadly. "Justin, you really need to change."
"I'm not leaving, for the fiftieth time."
Andre sighed, "Fine, then give me your key. We'll send someone to get you a change of clothes."
"Can they get some for her too?," He asked innocently.
Andre paused; how could he tell Justin that he didn't know whether McKennah would ever wear her clothes again. "Justin, I don't think she needs her own clothes right now.."
"Are you afraid she's going to die?? Because, she's not, she's...she's just..just..NOT!"
"Okay, okay. Calm down. We'll get her some clothes too. Okay?"
Justin nodded, "Ok."
"Come on, let's go back and sit down."
"Why won't they tell us anything?"
"Because we're not technically family Justin, you know that."
He sighed, his shoulders slumping, "I know..."
"JC called her mom and she'll be here late tonight."
"I have to wait that long?"
"We all do J."
Justin walked back into the cold, white room and sat down in the same seat. Everyone knew not to bother him; he would either just grunt his reply or give one word answeres anyways.
It was one o'clock in the morning; everyone else was asleep in the waiting room. Justin wasn't. One of the other bodyguards had brought a change of clothing for him and he had changed out of his bloody ones into the new, clean ones. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, he hated not knowing anything. He wanted..no, needed to know something...anything...that would help him so much more than just waiting and waiting and waiting. McKennah's mom, Alexis, hadn't arrived yet.
Justin looked up as he heard the elevators open, Alexis stepped out and looked around, then saw Justin and began walking towards him.
His wall finally crumbled and he began to cry as Alexis reached him and wrapped her arms around the man she thought of as a son; she began to cry as well.
Justin held onto her for dear life, it seemed. She was his only connection to McKennah at the moment. "I'm so sorry..I'm so sorry..," He kept repeating over and over.
Alexis pulled away and forced Justin to look up at her, "What on Earth for Justin? This was an accident."
"But..but..we had a fight..she turned to see if I was coming with her when the car hit her...I didn't..I didn't mean for this to happen.."
"Oh sweetie, you've been tearing yourself up about this all day haven't you?"
He nodded and she hugged him again, "Everything's going to be okay Justin, want to come with me?"
He shook his head, "No..I'll just wait in the room with everyone else."
She nodded, "Ok..I'll be back then.."
"o..okay."
Alexis walked past the waiting room and watched Justin turn to go in there, then she made her way to the nurses station. "I'm Alexis Fowler, my daughter McKennah was brought here earlier today."
The nurse nodded and paged a doctor, "If you'll just wait a minute, the doctor will be right up."
"Can't you tell me anything?"
"I think it's best to wait for the doctor."
Alexis nodded, "Okay."
A man, in his late thirties to early forties, appeared moments later, dressed in green scrubs and a white lap coat. "Hello, I'm Dr. Lemmings."
"I'm Alexis Fowler, can you tell me about my daughter now?"
"Of course, let's go into my office."
She nodded and followed him down the long hallway and into a plush, furnished office. She sat down in the chair in front of his desk. He got out a few x-rays and sat down. "Your daughter, McKennah was brought in here in full cardiac arrest, she was in terrible condition, I must say. 3 ribs were broken, her right leg is shattered and her left tibia is fractured in two places, both have been repaired. Her lungs are filling with fluid and there was massive internal bleeding around the heart, but no damage was done to that organ that is life-threatening."
"What does that mean?"
"She's lucky in that aspect."
"What about her brain?"
"We don't know yet. She's not stable enough to be taken to do a CT Scan right now, I want to wait until the morning to do that, hopefully she'll be more stable."
"Can I see her?"
"Sure, she's in the ICU right now."
"Will she recover?"
"Let's wait until and see what the CT Scan shows before I tell you. Okay?"
Alexis nodded, "Okay..thank you."
"It's my job, come on, I'll take you to the ICU."
She followed Dr. Lemmings down the hallway again and into the ICU. "I have to warn you, she doesn't look like she normally would. There are many bruises, scratches and minor lacerations all over her."
Alexis nodded, "I understand."
"She is on a ventilator as well and a heart monitor."
"Ok."
Her bed was at the end of a long row, by the window. Machines were everywhere, beeping and making all sorts of noise. He was right; she looked nothing like herself. Black, blue, purple, green, and yellow bruises covered her face and neck and arms. Small scratches and cuts covered her face as well. A tube was down her throat helping her to breath, her eyes were shut and she lay motionless.
Alexis bit her lip and then turned to the doctor, "Could you tell her friends...what you told me?"
"Are you sure that's wise?"
"Or at least tell Justin; he's the tall, curly-haired one. That's her boyfriend..he's eating himself up over this...please."
Dr.Lemmings nodded, "Sure."
"Then, could you send him in here? I think he needs to see her, almost more than I do."
"Sure..but he can only stay for a minute or two."
She nodded, "Of course."
He nodded and left the ICU. Alexis took a seat next to McKennah's bed and took her hand. It was ice cold. She covered her hand with both of hers, trying to warm it up. "Come on McKennah, you can beat this, you've beat so many other things in your life..don't give up honey, please."
Justin wanted to cry.
He wanted to sit down on the floor and have a full-fledged temper tantrum.
The doctor had come in and requested to speak to him. He had told Justin everything that he had told Alexis. He then took Justin to the ICU and showed him McKennah's bed.
Alexis took Justin's hand and squeezed it, "It's okay Justin..she's going to be okay."
"It doesn't even look like her."
"I know it doesn't...she took the brunt of the force."
"I know..I keep seeing it over and over in my mind."
"Sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her Justin. I don't know what you two fought about but Lord knows you two fight like cats and dogs but soon get over it...you two love each other, anyone can see that. Let her know you're here Justin."
He nodded, "Okay."
"I'll come get you when they say time's up, ok?"
He nodded once more, "Ok. Thank you Alexis."
"Don't thank me Justin, I couldn't stand to see you tear yourself up too much over this."
Justin looked her over carefully, tubes running everywhere, machines beeping all the time. He finally sat down and took her hand in his gently; almost afraid she would break if he touched her too roughly. Her hand didn't move. He noticed all of her rings were gone, he'd have to ask where they went later.
He coughed and almost jumped at how loud it sounded. He scooted the chair closer to the bed and gently began to rub his thumb over the back of her hand. Then...he began to talk.
"I am so sorry McKennah...if I could switch places, I would, in a heartbeat. I can't stand to see you like this...you don't look like yourself. I was so scared for you, I still am..you have got to come out of this..you just have too. I can't live with myself..and I keep blaming myself for this happening to such a wonderful person like you. Everyone tells me not too but I can't help but think if I wasn't such a jealous idiot that none of this would of happened and right now we'd be asleep in the nice, warm hotel bed, you'd be snuggled up right against me as close as you could get. God, I love it when you sleep next to me, it's so calming...I'm so sorry McKennah..I'm so so sorry. Please, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand or move a finger...just let me know you don't totally despise me."
It was then; her heart monitor flat-lined.
He was shoved out of the room as nurses and the doctor ran in and broke out the recesutator.
Justin watched from the window, horrified, as they shocked her body over and over. He felt someone's arms around him, then someone else's, then two more pairs of arms, then another final pair of arms. All the guys were there.
Justin crumbled once more and fell to the floor, sobbing.
Justin stood staring as the sun rose, finally, that morning. He was on the roof, only Andre knew where he was and he was far enough away where Justin didn't have to worry about Andre trying to talk to him. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.
They had come within millimeters of losing McKennah forever. But she had come back; least she was trying to fight.
They had taken her to the CT Scan right before he left to find the roof. Justin had a sinking feeling that the brain scan wouldn't be good. She had had three seizures that night so far, the last worse than the first. She was worsening, and everyone knew it.
He didn't want to think about his life without McKennah in it. Justin knew in his heart that McKennah was the one for him and he was the one for her. They were perfect for each other; friends first then the other stuff just fell into place.
He leaned on his elbows and looked downwards at the bussling city below him. He couldn't imagine his life without her. It was be so empty, so void of color and life. He needed her. He couldn't live with herself if she died, he just couldn't.
"Justin!"
He turned sharply at his name and found Andre standing closer than he had been. "She's back from CT, the doctor wants to see us all."
Justin nodded and walked towards him.
They went back to the waiting room and met everyone there. Justin took the seat next to Alexis and he took her hand and squeezed it. Dr. Lemmings came in, a few things in his hand, "Good morning everyone. We took McKennah to the CT Scan about ten minutes ago because she was actually stable enough where we could do that. The scan revealed some extensive damage to her brain as well as some internal bleeding."
"What does that mean, exactly?," JC asked.
"It means, there's alot of injury to her brain and skull. There isn't enough oxygen reaching her brain, which caused the seizures earlier this morning."
"Does she have a chance?"
"Yes, she does, we'll have to let her brain heal itself first before we can know just how much damage was done and how it'll affect her."
"So she'll be here for awhile?"
He nodded, "Yes, I'm afraid so."
"What do you mean, we're leaving?!"
"Justin, we have to. There's a show tomorrow in Denver."
Justin pushed Larry's hands away from him, "I don't give a damn about the show Larry! We can't leave her! I can't leave her!"
"Justin, you have a job you're responsible for."
"Yeah, well, I'm taking a leave of absence until she is awake."
"Justin, that could be months."
"No it won't."
"But it could Justin, it could. Be realistic here, she might never wake up."
Justin exploded and lunged for Larry. "Don't you ever say anything like that again! EVER!," He growled.
Hands were all over the place as they dragged Justin off of Larry.
Justin stormed off towards McKennah's room.
He sat, holding her hand, just babbling away about having to leave. "I don't want to leave..I can't leave you McKennah..just knowing you're not going to be able to say goodbye to me or that I'm not going to be able to really kiss you goodbye kills me. And just knowing that you're not well won't get me anywhere on that tour. I can't very well be expected to be happy, go lucky when my girlfriend is in the ICU across the country...what do I do? I know I have to go back, but I don't want to...I can't leave you Kennah..and you can't leave me....what the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Go on tour."
He spun around to see Alexis. She smiled weakly, "You have to."
"But-"
"But nothing, you know she'd kick your butt for not going back on tour."
"She's here and I'll be..whereever..."
"Let's make a deal, you go back on tour right? And I'll call every day and every night to give you a check-up on her. And when she makes major improvement, I'll call."
"You promise?"
"Promise."
"well...when she wakes up, I'll be on the next flight here."
"I know you will."
"And the minute we have a day off, I'm flying here."
"I don't doubt that Justin."
"Think she can hold on?"
"I think as long as she knows you're coming back, she can do anything."
"I won't stay away forever, I couldn't do that...I need her too much.."
"And she needs you too.."
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