I See You

by Kiara

“Do you see it, love?” I asked in a hushed voice. I knew that Denethor was one room away, drilling Boromir in his numbers. He'd convinced himself that the myriad tutors that tended to the boy's education were slacking somewhere. He always assumed such things if he found the boy's using well-earned free time for play.

“Yes!” the three year old whispered, reverently. He sat before me, on the window sill, leaning back against me while I held my arms around him. I never really worried about him squirming out the window, Faramir was always a calm child. It was his brother that had me in the habit of holding on against an ill-timed wiggle.

“What do you see?” I asked him, as I always did. He was silent a moment, considering. In the background I was able to hear Boromir responding to his father, calmly and correctly. I never worried about Boromir. He always knew what to say and do to keep his father happy.

“I see Ed-ed-edhell...” Faramir attempted, eyes clamped shut in imagining and concentration.

“Edhellond.” His head bobbed enthusiastically in agreement. Faramir always loved this game. Boromir had never understood how one could close their eyes and see with their heart, but then I don't think he understood how much easier it was to think of happier places where the fire and threat of Mordor did not hag over your head at every moment. “And what else do you see, love?” He cocked his head to the side and peered up at me. I couldn't help but to drop a kiss on his nose.

“Tar-Tarnost?” He managed and then beamed at me, knowing that he'd remembered the named correctly and expecting a reward. I smiled at him and kissed his nose again.

“Perfect.” He glowed with my approval and I hugged him tight. I suddenly realized that the other room had fallen silent and I turned to look into the room itself. Denethor was standing in the doorway staring at me. I expected annoyance. He was always irritated by the games I played with my sons. For some reason, he looked concerned.

“Boromir, son, take your brother to the nursery.” He ordered, without taking his eyes from me. Under his unnerving gaze I turned and lifted Faramir off the sill into Boromir's waiting arms. I was careful not to show how difficult it was to lift him of late. The Steward had more vital things to worry about than his wife's ailments.

Boromir hefted his brother around onto his back and they scampered out of the room, Faramir yelling “Faster! Faster!” as they went. I spared them a motherly wince, knowing that eventually there would be bumped heads and scraped knees for me to kiss better.

“Wife, have you been ill?” Denethor's question came quietly. I turned to face him, shaking my head. I must not have been hiding things as well as I thought.

“I am well. I just have not slept well. Faramir has been having nightmares.” It was half of the truth. Denethor knew that I'd been spending most nights in the nursery rather than our bed. Faramir's nightmare's were frightening to anyone who heard them, and I wanted to be close. I would have brought him to my bed for comfort but I was worried that Denethor would be disturbed. He needed his rest with all the worries on his shoulders.

“He has not grown out of them yet? Surely he just plays for attention.” I shook my head. Faramir had never lacked for attention from me.

“These nightmares. I do not believe they are of his imagining. He wakes up screaming, terrified.” I glanced out the tower window at the eastern sky. “Sweet dreams come rarely these days...” Denethor considered this, stepping closer and embracing me, as if to comfort. He was awkward at such things, but I knew that he was trying. I let him hold me for a moment.

“You have grown thin, wife.” He said, pulling back to study me again. I smiled reassuringly.

“A fault of my own, my husband. You know how I get caught up in my duties and forget to eat.” I half-lied again. He nodded suspiciously.

“See to it that you eat properly from now on. We need you at your best.” I nodded, smiling falsely. I sighed as an adviser cleared his throat from the doorway. Denethor's attention was instantly elsewhere. I turned and leaned against the window and looked out, my eyes closed.

I see you, Imrahil. I see you, Ivriniel. I see you, Mother, Father. In my mind I walked along the shores of my home with my family. A sharp pain struck me then and my eyes flew open, staring East. I see you, Finduilas. I moaned and turned, fleeing from the window and the voice that had hovered in the back of my mind ever since I'd arrived in this curséd city. The same voice that held my son hostage in his sleep.

I knew that I could never tell my husband. He would think me mad and accuse me of influencing our son. He would spend too much time worried about us and neglect his duties. I stumbled through the halls to the nursery and went to Faramir's small bed. Falling to the mattress, I curled myself into a ball and clutched a feather pillow to my breast. There, immersed in the sights and scents of my sons' lives, I succumbed to the pounding in my head, and my exhaustion and finally found my rest.