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July 16, 2003 Dear Lucas, It's your birthday!! 5 today. 5 years. I know I should be happy, but I can't quite get it together. I feel like I'm all over the place. 5 years, and it's not easier, Ive learned to put it into more perspective I guess. I sometimes get my head off the pillow in the morning before it comes rushing in. It doesnt hurt so much now, well thats not really true I think I've learned how to go day to day doing my thing, and missing you ever bit as much as I did then. Your sisters keep me busy and focused on their needs and wants. They are such little people now. There's Claudia, she's is so funny. She laughs, she's so happy. Her laugh is drug like, when she starts I want to keep her laughing. When she laughs I know its pure and free of all that pain. Oh, I wish you could hear her. Madalyn is so soft hearted, and loving. She loves to cuddle and hug on me. Sometime's at night when it's just the 2 of us, she's quiet and I can hear the saddness in her breath. There's times when I look at her from across the room and she has this look on her face, I cant really describe it. She knows more now than I will ever know. She was so lucky to be with you. You two would be such a pair. I look at her and try to picture what you would look like. I wish I had something wise to say or could tell you Im better now, but I cant. There is this feeling there, everyday right in my chest. Its almost like that feeling when you first get the urge to cry. No matter if I laugh, cry, talk or whatever its there. I can get upset about something else, or start to cry over something completely unrelated but by the time It stops its about you. There is a song actually its two songs mixed together . I use to sing it when i was a little girl and never really knew what it was about, maybe its just what i think its about. I sing it to Madalyn all the time. I picture you there. Somewhere over the rainbow way up high And the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly And the dreams that you dream of, dreams really do come true Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where trouble melts like lemon drops High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I? Well I see trees of green and red roses too, I'll watch then bloom for me and you And I think to myself, what a wonderful world Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white and the brightness of day I like the dark and I think to myself, what a wonderful world The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky are also on the faces of people passing by I see friends shaking hands saying, ³How do you do?² They're really saying, ³I, I love you² I hear babies cry and I watch them grow, theyıll learn much more than we'll know And I think to myself, what a wonderful world Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where trouble melts like lemon drops High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me Somewhere over the rainbow way up high And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I? "For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. With ever breath I take I will give thanks to God above, for as long as i shall will testify to love" Even though youre not here you are so loved and so missed. I can almost bet your gma Susan is having a crappy day. She's really the only other one who awknowledges it still hurts. Not that it doesnt hurt everyone else, its just that she's a little more open about it. I keep thinking about the days surrounding your birth day, the things people said. Your Aunt Melissa said " Shellee its okay to be sad, but just remember grandmas rocking him to sleep." I hope thats true baby, I hope youre with all of them. "Did you know your baby boy has walked where angels traud?" " Did you know your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?" It puts peace in me. I love you baby, Mommy
