Title: Walking with angels

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category:MS, DSR, V

Spoiler: None

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Summary: Not given.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


I went today to say goodbye to him. It took a while for me
to work up the courage to be able to go to the cemetery. I 
kept on dreaming that he would walk through that door at any
moment. It's funny, but my mind kept on playing tricks with
me. I saw his face everywhere. His scent still lingered in
every corner. Sometimes I could even hear his voice. I was
crazy. I embraced loneliness, wanting the company of my 
memories. I would not let him part from me. I believed if I 
held on to all the memories he would never leave me. I was so
scared that I would wake one day and not remember his face. 
The people around me tried to show their sympathy but I pushed
them all away. I was convinced that they could not know my 
pain. I hated the way their words tried to comfort me, like
some words could ease my pain. I hated the way the world kept
on turning. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted to scream
to the heavens that he was gone. I wanted the world to fall 
down around me. I fell in to the darkest hole. My whole body
ached when I tried to move and I found it harder to breathe.
But I never let it show. I was stronger than that. I wouldn't
let them know how much I ached. I hated the way they looked at
me. I knew that they were talking behind my back and I knew 
what they were saying. But I didn't care. My world was that
little office in the basement of the FBI. Alone again.

Then he entered my life. He was everything that I hated 
embodied. He was one of those I had given my life to fight 
against. I was convinced that he was my enemy. I had built
a wall around my heart to protect it from harm. I put on my
mask to play the part of Agent Scully. But he saw through me.
I don't know how but he saw the shattered soul behind my 
wall. But I pushed him away. I didn't want his friendship.
I believed that I could live a life without friendship. I 
couldn't see anyone replacing Mulder. I was content living 
with the memories of years gone by. I was on the verge of 
breaking down when he saved me. I guess I owe him my life. 
He showed me another world. He showed me that life could be
so much more than the life I saw before me. But I was scared.
I was scared to open up again, to be totally exposed. But 
he moved slowly and he was gentle. He never rushed. He was 
always by my side. He was my guardian angel. I was so blind 
and so scared that I treated him badly. I wanted to push him
away from me, to keep him at an arm length. But he managed to
break down all my defensives and entered my heart like a 
soft breeze. I don't know how or when I fell in love with 
John Doggett. I guess it just crept up on me. Now he's my 
world. He comes to me in my dreams and he slays all my dragons.
I daydream about kissing him. I imagine what it would be like
to feel his hands against my body. I feel like a schoolgirl 
again. But still I fear telling him the truth. 
We walk around in circles. He never does anything and I'm too
afraid to let on what I feel. I don't why I'm afraid. 

Now I'm standing here in front Mulder's tombstone. I feel ready.
I feel ready to let him go. I have bought some flowers to 
place on his grave. 
- I came today to tell you something. 
If somebody heard me they would surely think I was crazy 
talking to a tombstone. But I don't care. I feel closer to him
here. 
- I'm so sorry I didn't come before but I was scared. I was 
afraid that if I went here it would be admitting that you were
gone. I thought if I clung to all the memories you would never
leave me. I was convinced that I could live like that. I was
content living like that. I wanted to rap myself in sorrow. 
But I know now that I can't do that and I know you wouldn't
let me. 
The sun warms my face as I kneel down beside his grave. 
- I know it's time for me to let you go. I know you're safe.
I know now that I can never forget you. Your face is forever 
branded in my memory. You're a part of me. I love you.
But I have to let you go. I know we'll meet again. Somewhere. 
Someday. But not today. I have to live the life God has given 
me. 
Tears mark my face now. 
- I have to tell you about John. I was convinced that I would 
never love again after you. I believed that my heart had died
when you left this world. I was wrong. I know you would like
him. He's strong and kind. He's eager to find the truth and 
he'll never leave me. I love him for the kindness he shows me. 
I love him for the warmth I can see in his eyes. I love him
with all my heart and soul. 
I rise. My legs feel weak. I brush away the tears with the 
back of my hand. 
- I will go to him now and tell him that I love him and I hope
I can win his heart. I know you'll bless me. 
I place the flowers at his tombstone and say:
- Goodbye, my love. Walk with the angels. 
Then I turn around and walk away. 
I know I'll come again.




Feedback-----please---j_rothen@yahoo.se