Title: Falling from heaven
Author: Jessica  ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Doggett/Barbara, Barbara POV, angst, V
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: The break-up between John and Barbara, Barbara POV 
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong 
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: This is a follow-up from a scene I wrote from the 
fanfiction "Cry (2/4)-Drifting", but this is Barbara POV. 
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistake may occur.


Am I evil to walk away?
Am I cruel to do this when I know it will cause him so much 
pain?
I stand here with the piece of paper in my hand that will 
forever separate me from him and I feel so lost. 
If I close my eyes I can see him.
After Luke died I tried to drive him out of my head and my 
heart. But I failed. 
I wanted so desperately to find someone to blame. He was just
the closest and easiest target. I poured out all my hate and
anger and threw it in his face. I know that I wasn't fair, that
I wasn't thinking clearly. I can see that now. 
He let me be. He just stood there taking everything. I hate
myself when I think about what I said to him. I hurt him so.
I pushed him away when he needed me the most. I wasn't there
for him. I failed him in every way possible. 
Now I'm about to separate myself from him totally. Am I doing
the right thing? Should I stay or should I go? 
Sometimes I fear that I will lose myself if I stay. I will 
fade away until there is nothing left of me than a worn-out 
shell. I will die a slowly and painful death. 
But how cam I let him go? I don't know how to. 
He is like poison in my veins. He's the rock I lean on when 
life takes me for a ride. He's my strength and my weakness. 
He picks me up when I fall. 
How can I make it in this world without him?
The morning sun warms my face as I sit down in the chair by 
the window. 
Sometimes I just wish that I could escape everything. But 
where would I go? Where else can I live than here? 
Maybe it's time for me to accept what life has given me. 
Maybe it's time for my heart to start beating again. 

In my head a voice is screaming and my hands are shaking. 
I'm scared. 
It's time for me to let him go out of my life. 
I knock slowly at his door. He opens just after a minute. 
He looks tired. His face is pale and he has dark circles under
his eyes. I want to say something, anything to let him know 
that I care. But the darkness in his eyes scares me. 
Does he hate me for what I'm going to do?
I couldn't take him hating me. Anyone else but him. 
He let's me in without saying anything. I walk past him and
for a moment my arms brushes his and I let myself remember. 
Memories come back to haunt me. Memories from times gone by. 
There was a time when we were happy. But those days seems
so distant now. Almost like it never excited at all.
I sit down on his couch and look around his home. His 
apartment is not big; just two rooms and a kitchen. 
He sits down beside me and I search for something to say,
anything. But I can't. 
I can feel his eyes on me, but I can't make myself look at him.
He speaks first. 
"Why have you come? To torment me? To hurt me?
It feels like he was seeing right through me. 
"John, don't do this..."
Pain. Why did I come? I never thought it could hurt so. How
can I explain? How can I make him understand? 
"Do what? You started it. You started it when you gave me 
this!"
He gave me the divorcepapers. 
My hands are shaking a bite as I take them. I sit there for 
a moment starring at my signature on the papers. Than I turn
my head and look at him. His eyes are clouded by pain. He's
hurting. I could take all that pain away in just one second
by saying that I would stay with him. But I can't and that 
hurts.
"Don't make it harder than it has to be."
I close my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the pain out. But
it's impossible. 
"Harder. Harder! You're my wife and no papers can change that!"
I want to tell him that there was a long time since we were 
man and wife. We drifted apart long before Luke died. 
We stopped talking to each other. We stopped seeing each other.
We walked in circles. We changed.
"You don't understand. I have met somebody...."
In a minute his eyes change. It's like a storm in his eyes and
I can almost every feeling fly by; pain, anger, hate. 
What did I expected? That he would smile and say that he was
so happy for me?
"He's name is James and he wants to marry me."
James was a rock that I had leaned on. A rock, a different one,
that I needed. I love him. 
Is it possible to love two different people at the same time?
I think it is.
"But..."
He hesitated. I want to throw my arms around him and say that
I love him. I want to make him understand that he will never 
leave my heart. But I can't hurt him like that. 
"My reason for coming here today wasn't to hurt you."
"It has just been about a year since Luke and you want to get
married."
I never thought it was possible for him to hurt me as he did. 
It felt like he was pushing a knife through my heart. To hear
him mention Luke's name brought back memories from the past. 
Memories that I had tried so hard to hide away. As I sat there 
looking into his eyes they came back and hit me with full 
force. I grasped for air and tried to hide the pain his words
had caused me. 
"Don't do this, John. I don't want to drag up the past. I 
didn't come here to fight."
Anger made his eyes darker. I had never thought he could be 
so cruel. But anger and pain made his mind blurry. 
"Dragging up the past. He was my son!!"
Tears clouded my vision as I looked at him now. 
"And he died......."
In that moment I could see the face of our son when I said 
goodbye to him that day in the hospital. So little, so fragile.
My little boy. 
"Don't do this, Barbara. Please, I beg you. Come back to me."
I wanted to hit him for what he did to my heart. I wanted to 
scream out my pain. I wanted to scream from the top of my 
lunges. 
But as I looked at him it was the face of the man I married 
that looked back at me. In his eyes I could see the boy I 
fell in love with, the young man I married and the man he 
has become. I could never hate him. It wasn't possible. 
But I had to tell him the truth. The years that we had spend
together made it almost impossible for me to lie to him. 
"I can't do that......I have moved on."
Tears caressed my cheeks now. Oh, I don't care. Let them come.
"We could start over. We could...."
Always the savior. Always the hero. But he couldn't save us
now. No one could. 
The need to hold him won over my need to hold him at a distance.
I reached out my hand and touched his cheek. He closed his
eyes and placed his head in my hand. 
My voice was just a whisper as I said:
"It's too late and I think you know that....I'm happy. He 
makes me so happy."
Maybe I was doing the wrong thing. Maybe there was some way
that we could find our way back to what things was. 
I don't know. All I know that here's our crossroads. 
He pulled away from me. He wiped the tears from his eyes with
the back of his hand and than he signed the papers. 
So this was the end for us. Just a signature on a piece of 
paper. Was it so easy to let go of a man that I had loved for
so long? No, never. 
So this was goodbye. 
I took him into my arms and hold him for a while. I let his
scent fills me up and for a moment I could see the face of
my son before my eyes. 
"Thank you. I will always love you...Never forget that.."
Than I let him go and rose from the couch. 
He didn't move. He just looked at me with those blue eyes. 
Begging, pleading. 
I placed the box on the coffeetable. I had brought the box like
a gift, a gift from the past. 
"Goodbye, my love."
Than I opened the door to his apartment and walked away. 
I never looked back.

I lingered just for a moment outside his building. The sun
warmed my face and the wind came in from the south. 
As I looked up at the clear blue sky I prayed that he would
know the truth. I prayed that he would find his way back 
to life and that he one day would be able to see all the 
love he was capable of giving. 
I started to walk towards my car. I couldn't help but smile. 
One day, not far from now, 
we will all be free.


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