ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's = Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
He won the case.
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you
and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing
up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm
bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy responds, "That won't work!"
His mom says, "Why not???"
To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you
leave each day and blows him back up!
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he
sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He
stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his
head down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful
and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man
then replies, "yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
"This is a great place," says the first guy,
"I've never been here before."
"Oh really?", the other guy replies, "Then you should know that this is
a really special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
Gogh.
And this stool I'm sitting on, it was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's
amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out
you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and pushes you
back
up."
"No way, that's impossible!" the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies, and walks over to the
window followed closely by the first man.
The other man opens the window, climbs over the sill and jumps out. He
drops
10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and then whoosh! He floats
back
up and sails through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, the other man falls
out
the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop,
and
whoosh! He floats back up and sails through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, OK, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window.
He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat!
He
ends up as a road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other man casually
closes
the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman,
you're a
real jerk when you're drunk."
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so
she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing
constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed
to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a
man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she
asked,
"Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've
got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in
bed?" To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Q. What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A. The front row of a Willie
Nelson concert.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West
Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a
teethbrush.
Q. What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A. An ugly twelve year
old who can outrun her brothers.
Q. Whats the difference between trash and
white trash?
A. Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks,
smell like crap, and get more and more rotten each day.
Two guys from
Arkansas......"Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?" Billy Joe...."In this here
bag i got me some chickens." Jethro.....Chickens, boy I sure would like
chickens, I bet you if I quess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you
might give me one. Billy Joe.... Sheeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I
got in this bag I'll give you both of em! Jethro.....uhhh.....5? Billy Joe...Nope.
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So, he took his
costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, woke up
feeling so much better, that she decided to go to the party. Since her
husband hadn't known what her costume was, she thought she'd have some fun
by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She got to the party and immediately spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor with every cute chick he could find.
His wife, being a rather seductive babe herself, sidled up to him. He left that
dance partner to devote his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She
let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally,
he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. Off they went
outside to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before the unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away home, put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he
had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,
Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I'll tell you.......the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a
real good time!"
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