JUDGE A.K.A. "Your Honor". Wears black robe and mentally cloaked by self-image of infallibility. Blames appellate courts when questioned by public.
D.A. - District Attorney. Wears polyester suits and mentally cloaked by self-righteousness. Considers self last bastion against criminal hordes and considers laughter a sign of weakness.
P.D. - Public Defender. Wears mismatched socks and mentally cloaked by the knowledge that the world is out to get him. Has greatest clarity of vision In the system because the world is out to get him.
STREET LAYWER - Private Attorney. Believes in truth, justice, and full fee paid out front (before appearing in court). Carries brief case to impress clients and to hold money.
BAILIFF - Judicial equivalent of school crossing guard. Primary function is to stop cars from entering courtroom. Also keeps everyone quiet while judge is trying to figure out what to say.
CLERK - Direct descendant of landless peasant of the middle ages. Referred to as "Hey You" in the courtroom. Plans assisinations of judges and lawyers during coffee breaks.
DEFENDANT - Person who created jobs for all of the above. Otherwise, totally irrelevant to the system.
ARRAIGNMENT - Judicial process whereby defendant is advised of the charges against him which, of course, he already knows. Defendant is advised of future court appearances which he Immediately forgets.
O.R. - Release of a defendant on his or her own-recognizance. This releases a defendant from Jail until the disposition of the case or next arrest, which occurs first.
PRE-TRIAL SETTLEMNT CONFERENCE - This is where plea bargaining primarily occurs. Each side appeals to the other's sense of Justice and fairness. After this appraoch inevitably fails, each attorney discusses the sexual relationship between the opposing counsel and opposing counsel's mother.
CONTINUANCE - This allows everyone involved in the case to grow old gracefully. Attomeys exhibit greatest skills in this process.
TRIAL - Rare occurrence where public sees what clerks are forced to see every day.
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