Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
FOR GRANDPARENTS
A "Double" Grief

From the moment you became a parent yourself, you have sought to protect your child from the pain and sorrows in life. Mostly, you have been successful, you've had the ability to solve problems, the power to lessen hurts.

Suddenly, your child is facing a pain far deeper than any other pain in life. It may be deeper than anything that you have ever experienced, or perhaps you can understand this sorrow because you, too, have lost a child.

Either way, you are now experiencing a variety of emotions: helplessness, frustration, grief, guilt, and anger. You are suffering a "double grief." You are grieving for your grancchild: all your hopes and dreams have been shattered, your "promise" of immoratality has been broken. You had wondered if he or she would "favor your side of the family, wondered what he would "become", and had perhaps even brought gifts for "later on" (like that first tricycle or that special doll). Your grief may not even be recognized by your own child, but you are, most definitely, entitled to it. Grandparents are often referred to as "the forgotten grievers". You had a special relationship with your grandchild--one of unconditional love unhampered by parental responsibility.

You are grieving just as deeply for your own child. You feel frustrated and helpless because this is one pain that you can't "just kiss away". All the little ways thay you had to coax a smile from that child are useless now, all the magic words that used to solve the problems are empty. You can only sit by, and offer support, and watch your child learn to live with this loss. Grandparents often think that "they should cope better, have all the advice, financial aid, babysitting, experience, and help, is not accepted, asked for, or is even rejected, they feel guilt, frustration and anger".

Guilt and anger. One often causes the other; soon the two are so intermingled that it is difficult to determine where one begins and the other ends. Grandparents experience "survival guilt"...it seems unnatural that a grandparent live longer than a grandchild; grandparents often express the wish that they "could change places" with the lost child. You may be feeling guilty for things that you didn't do (Why didn't I babysit every time I was asked? Why didn't I spend more time with the baby?) It doesn't help to know that you thought you had forever--that time is gone. Perhaps you aren't well, or for some other reason, were unable to see the baby at all.

You may be very, very angry. Angry at God for "taking" the child, angry at the doctors, nurses or paramedics for being unable to save the child's life, angry at your other children whose families are intact (though a common reaction, grandparents feel a great deal of guilt of this anger.) You might even find yourself angry at your own child if your understanding of SIDS is incomplete and you wonder if there was anything they could have done or should have seen. Finally, you might be angry at yourself as you wonder if your genes or chromosomes were "responsible" for the child's death.

We do not grieve according to the age of the baby. Psychologists had determined that the grief period following the death of a child is between 18 and 36 months. Some of the emotions that your child will have will sound strange to you, some will sound familiar because you will be having similar reactions. These emotions are, however, NORMAL GRIEF REACTIONS. Helping your child to grieve will facilitate your own grief.

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