GRIEVING ALONE: A Single Parent's Plight
When a single parent experiences grief over the death of a child, there are several areas that make it an especially difficult time. The purpose of this article is to point them out and to provide some suggestions that may help.
Bereaved couples who find their grief is driving them apart and placing strain on their marriage face many of the same problems, and they may also find these suggestions helpful.
A strong sense of isolation. When your child dies the world seems to tumble around you. It feels particularly frightening to a single parent, for there's no partner to reach out and bridge the gap of isolation. We need others to help us balance our upside-down world, to encourage us to keep hanging on when it seems too unbearable.
Often the isolation becomes real, after a few weeks of bereavemant. Friends who've been supportive drift away, assuming someone else is checking on your well being. Constantly taking the initative to reach out for support is draining and tiring when you do it three times a week every week for months, and the pain and the need don't seem to lessen.
Inconsistency. As every hour of every day seemed like a challenge to "get through," the only person I knew I could depend on was me! Needing to be strong for myself at times seemed just too much.
I longed for someone I could depend on to reassure me when I was feeling emotionally distraught. As assertive as I am, I found it impossible to ask for what I wanted most, one person to give one night a week just to spend time with me in my home. We could buy groceries for dinner and share the cooking, eat together, talk or watch TV or read, simply sharing time and space on a consistant basis.
But that didn't happen. I found that when I wanted company, I was expected to do something, go out to a restaurant, attend a concert, see a movie, because my friends felt I needed to "get out of the house." Being sociable and entertaining when you're dealing with fresh grief is very difficult, however. It's hard to thing of anything but the child who died.
Those who have understanding realitives nearby can and should look to them for stability during the early months of grief. With family you can "just be." Close friends can be asked to fill this important role, too.
Sharing emotions. Reasearch whows that 25 percent of the stress from the loss of a loved one can be relieved by simply sharing with another person your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. But every time, we, as singles, feel the need to express what's going on inside our minds and bodies, we have to seek someont out. Sometimes we don't have the emotional strength to even dial the phone. We dread finding that all our friends are busy or not home, knowing we may end up feeling more rejected than when we began.
Yet we need assistance in resolving important issues. Someone who can help us to look at a situation from a different angle. We need others and people who will listen, not always easy to find.
Sharing the work. A single parent who has other children at home has a special burden. Not only is the parent grieving over the loss of a child, he or she must go back to work for a living, try to maintain stability at home for the remaining children, and handle the normal, everyday household problems.
Additionally, that parent must devote attention to the remaining children so they won't be emotionally "marred" because of the tragic situation. This seems too much to ask of anyone, yet many single parents do it day after day. I am very concerned about the long term effects created by this extra stress. These single parents need special support systems; for example, friends mith volunteer to come in or take the children out occasionally to relieve the load.
Sharing the special memories. No one knows the special qualities that made your child unique except you. As a single parent, you have on one who remembers that child as you do, and who can share those memories with you if you have other children, you will be able to reminisce with them about those traits you all remember. I continue to share with others my son's unique qualities so they, and he, won't be forgotten. However, it requires so much explaining, to those who didn't know him, that the joys of sharing such memories are often lost. To keep from doing this to often, which tends to bother others, I have used writing as a way not to let him be forgotten.
Support from the opposite sex. As we've all learned, getting emotional support from a non-bereaved person is difficult enough; dating and seeking emotional support adds another level of stress. Dates are supposed ot be fun. Since I was in mourning, I explained that to my date from the onset so he wouldn't expect a date who bubbled with joy. I was seldom in a light mood, but I did want to see men occasoinally.
At first they'd be very understanding. But after a few dates they thought I "should be over it by now" (this during my first year of bereavement), and we'd part ways. Then I would feel abandoned again, compounding my sense of loss. I needed to feel important to someone, but I decided after a few such partings that I was not ready to be emotionally involved. In facing the pain or grief, I had no energy left for building a new relationship that first year.
Making decisions and facing major events alone. After Aaron's memorial service, I was left with all the decisions, I sorted all his possessions, each article of clothing, letters and papers. I was the one who delt with the dogs. I decided how and where to bury the ashes. Such tasks were grueling to face alone. I wanted someone to share the responsibility.
Each time a major event such as Mother's Day, Aaron's birthday, and Christmas arrived, I had to once again thumb through my address book to find someone who would talk it over with me and help me handle those difficult times.
The need for touch. My personal observation is that bereaved people have a strong need for touching and hugging. The contact not only feels good but can have a healing quality.
Being single means there's no spouse nearby to provide that gentle touch on the back or that consoling hug when the pain erupts. When your're single, you need to find other sources, like friends and relatives who know how to hug you and do so. Reach out to them often as you grieve.
Some of my friends were "huggers" and one friend, a therapeutic massuese, gave me a free massage once a week for that entire first year. If you have surviving children, hug them often. You'll all benefit from it.
Grieving at your own pace. The only benefit of grieving alone is that a single parent does not have to take into account a spouse's needs and feelings. We do not have to worry about disturbing another's sleep as we cry during the night, or hold back our tears when our spouse's spirits are high.
Special strengths. One of our assets is the strength we've gained during our struggles as single parents. We may never have discovered that inner strength if we had not been alone. Your special strength, plus the coping skills you've gained as a single parent are valuable. You were strong enough to handle alone your job as a parent; that knowledge can give you the courage you need to survive the grieving alone. And reaching out for other's support sometimes takes the most courage of all.
