What about a father's grief?

Many men, unlike women, feel uncomfortable discussing the death of their children. It is too deep and too emotional. As the culturally recognized "protector" of the family, it is the father's duty to remain strong and unyielding. Even if his heart is breaking, he may have difficulty expressing it openly. Do not push him to verbalize his feelings, but rather, encourage him by simply listening when he does choose to talk. If you attempt to comfort him while he is grieving, he may feel guilty for making you bear the burden of the "protector" and quickly clean up his tears and move on to busy work.

Remember that just listening is an effective way to support a grieving father. While some mothers take comfort in the faith in God, some fathers have overwhelming feelings of anger toward God...Do no discredit his feelings. Remember that feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. He will work out the feelings of anger if he is doing his "grief work."

Some fathers may not want to visit the cemetery as frequently as Mom. Some even have an aversion to it. Mutual respect for each other is the best remedy in this situation. Be honest with each other about your needs and respect what the other's desire is. Do not force him to accompany you on visits if he doesn't want to. He may resent you for it.

Moms may withdraw and bury themselves in books about grief, while fathers generally indulge in hobbies, work or other activities, which take his mind off the pain. He needs space to grieve in his own way, so try to avoid imposing feelings of "what should be" on him.

Often, a father expresses the desire to put things back the way they were before and for Mom to become the person she was before the baby's death. This leads to conflict because Mom realizes that things will never be the same. Again, honest communication of emotions and feelings will alleviate resentment and hostility.

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