A Mother's Grief: Maintaining Communication and Respect

By Joanna Cacciatore. Excerpted from the Arizona SIDS Alliance's Newsletter, September/October 1997

More than half the couples who experience the death of a child are divorced within tow years. It's a hard fact. What is often asked is why? There is a delicate balance that must be maintained in a relationship during the grief process. Life does go on, but normalcy is a tough task after the death of your baby. How does a couple grieve differently? How do they renew their communication?

To understand how, we must first understand why. Most men and women do grieve in different ways...It makes sense that in stressful situations, we may not react the same. Most men see "the big picture" while most women are detail-oriented. He thinks and she feels. He is logical and realistic while she may be more intuitive and idealistic. He copes with stress and grief internally and she copes externally. In many, but certainly not all, support group situations, women attend for longer periods of time and are generally more communicative and verbal in their pain. He sighs. She cries...When it comes to the grieving process, many fathers express a "making of peace" within 3-9 months. Most mothers, however, do not report that feeling of acceptance until 9-24 months or even longer.

How can you help a grieving mother, even if she is your wife or partner?

Remember that she may need to talk about the event a great deal. She is in the process of gathering every possible detail about the baby's death. It is as if she is playing the tape in her mind and rewinding it over and over again. She will ask questions, which may be unanswerable, such as how or why? Be patient with her and listen. If you find yourself becoming frustrated with her, attend a support group meeting with her. It is a safe place for Mom to review the details of the event unconditionally.

The mother may want to visit the grave very frequently. She feels that this is her way to "take care" of her child. At the grave, she can care for and be close to the only physical part of your child she has left. Allow her to visit as often as she needs to. You do not have to go with her, however, don't discourage her or tell her it is unhealthy. This may be detrimental to the lines of communication.

Many mothers benefit from reading books on grief. But her a few books to share together. She knows in her heart that her life and the life of her family will never be the same. Acknowledge her pain, respect her feelings of deep loss and try not to rush her healing or offer a quick fit-it for her grief.

She will accept the tragedy over time, in her own time. Don't insinuate that she needs professional intervention because she has a desire to talk about he child. Talking about the child keeps his memory alive and helps her along her grief journey.

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