So....the question...why if I'm so happy , do
I feel so
bad? The need to self harm is really strong.
As I'm
writing, I'm sitting here thinking about
banging my head.
I'm not quite sure why, maybe it's the need
to feel, or
that I don't want to feel? It's a no win
situation. I'm
not sure when the last time was that I self
harmed, I think
it was late May or early June.
I hate to feel this way....but why the
need, why the
urge, What the hell am i trying to escape?
Is it I don't
feel I deserve this happiness? Is it stress?
Is it
distress? Is it truely a sign of
breakdown? I wish
someone would give me an answer!
It's so calculated, so immoral, the
many thoughts I
have, about how I want to do it, as regards
to where and
when~WHY?!
Maybe if I do it, it won't be so
bad~~5 minutes is
all I need..........~TWW
12/95
It is such a rush for me to have complete
and total
control of my body. At least I have control
of something
in my life. That says a lot, but it also
says something
else~~although it seems to others that I am
in control of
my life, I am far from it. I hold myself
together really
well on the outside, but on the inside, I'm
like crumb
cake. Little piece fall apart until I am a
little molehill
of crumbs.
Ive always been like that jigsaw puzzle with
one piece
missing. You look forever and ever and can
never find it.
I want to find that piece!! I want to know
what its like
to be whole, to have body and mind be
one.....~~TWW
Sitting here.....wondering and waiting for
something im
hoping will come soon...whatever it is im
waiting for I do
not know...Waiting for health and
sanity.....hope and love.
I really am not sure. But after these last
few weeks im
not sure about any of it. Been having a
rough time with
this self injury.....cutting burning two to
three times a
week....I used to be able to go months
without even
thinking about it...now there are times when
I just want to
slash so bad that im scared of myself you
know....
Stress is mounting...pressure is killing
me....I dont know
what it is im trying to accomplish or
prove....makes me sad
to feel I have to live up to something you
know....slicing
myself to prove to myself or someone else
that I am in
pain....and that I am suffereing ....only
problem is is
that I dont show my wounds to anyone...so who
is to see but
me and the mouse in my pocket?
Sitting waining through the misery and pain
of the past and
wondering if the future will get any
better....will this
pain and need of self injury cease in the
future? Why do I
do this to myself...and why do I have to hide
the multitude
of scars and marks on my body so noone freaks
out.....why
cant I just tell someone im hurting....why
why why? Why is
it so hard to let someone believe I am less
than
perfect..at least in their eyes I can do no
wrong...and why
is that....because I cannot say no to their
every want and
desire even if it means sacrificing this
being inside of me
who just wants to rest? Why can I not tell
someone no?
I think I'm too worried of rejection and pain
from someone
looking at me like I'm a bad person.....or is
that my view
point?
Who knows.....I dont....probably never
will.....~~TWW
To try to make an order out of muddled
tonight and dream--
To watch hope and desire torn apart at the
seams--
Construct a wall of hatred out of failures
crumbled
ruins--To claw with bleeding fingers for the
stones to be
moved
In my dreams I witness terrors.
When I wake up they are true.
They're of pain and anguish.
The only feelings I knew.
To crawl through the maze of life, and never
find the door.
To stumble on the corpse of emotion
sprawled across the
floor
To stare blankly at ones image then
coldly turn away
To realize I'm not the only soul who has
died today.
~M.
11/98
Where should I start in this never ending
head spinning though process of mine? Things
are going very well for me right now. As of
today I am 8 1/2 weeks self injury free. I
am not having any urges and it feels kind of
weird. It's almost as though I miss it, but
am glad to be without it. This is the
longest stretch of no SI I have had in about
8 months. I have fallen in love, and my
family is doing well, and I guess that has a
lot to do with why I have abandoned the
injuring for now. I get scared to think that
I can give this up forever. It has always
been a friend to me, always there when I
needed it, wanted it. Now I don't need it,
but the want is still there. I wonder if it
will always be there lingering in the back of
my head just waiting for me to act upon it?
Maybe I will just get to a point where I
don't need it or want it anymore. And then I
wonder what it will feel like to never do it
again? I really don't know. Maybe I should
just be happy that it isn't running my life
right now and enjoy what I have....
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss
the high I got from it....it's only been 2
months....but I don't want to ruin that
either. So, I guess I'll just keep striving
on and see how long I can go without it.
Most days I don't even think about it....and
it feels weird...
Who knows....certainly not me....and I don't
want to rack my brain anymore...I'm tired of
constantly thinking what if what if....it
wears me out.....I'll just go now....and do
something productive....~~TWW
12/98
Well, here I am again..still self
injury free..today makes 90 days..and im very
very happy about this...I have made it three
months....I have no urges to speak of...and
it's almost as if I'm living someone else's
life....it kind of scares me still to think I
can live without this "need" to hurt
myself..but at the same time it feels good to
know I can move on and put this behind me.
Things are going well all around. I'm
another year older, hopefully somewhat wiser,
and ready to start the new year out right. I
have a wonderful feeling that this is going
to be my best year ever..and I'm going to do
everything in my power to prove that!!! Well
that is all for now.~~TWW
This is my religion... I need something to
believe in... Some kind of connection
point... Sometimes I feel so distanced from
the world - the physical things around me...
And even more so from the mortal spirituality
which infuses everything around me, but
somehow not me... I need peace of mind to
achieve any kind of positive karma... Or to
catch others' positive vibes...
And the blood connects me to all
these things, that little hurt I achieve by
dragging a razor-blade accross my skin or my
closed fist along a brick wall, or any number
of things... The blood connects me to
nature... reminds me of my mortality...
Reminds me of peace, tranquility, God - My
God. The God who is Karma, who is Peace who
is the collective power of nature, in which I
can never die - just transform and reach
Nirvana. Energy does not die - It changes
form.
But sometimes I fell like I am
already dead... I feel like there's
interference... My recepters aren't working
properly... There's all this static... Not
ewnough room to process everything
coherently... And too many thoughts... I have
to clear my head... I need the pain, the
blood, to erase all the unwanted clutter from
my mind... To set me free...
THE END
~C.
Hey-
I don't understand what I'm doing to myself
anymore yes, I am a cutter
but I don't fit "the mold"
I was not physically/sexually abused as a
child My mother and I do not have the ideal
relationship; she does push my most sensitive
areas-but this is not to the degree that some
of you have suffered and yet I still exhibit
the same mannerisms. I use razors, scissors,
whatever I can get my hands on I HATE my
body, so I cut as much as possible But at the
same time I have the intense fear of getting
caught (especially by doctors-I would die if
they told my parents) so, yeah-I do have
permanent scars-and lots of little ones that
are all over my body
over 100 at present
I don't know if I'm ready to stop-but I know
that I need to Its really about my body in
general-I also have an eating disorder-I eat
too much or not at all
I guess I'm just warped/obsessive-compulsive
Who should I tell? I don't want to be
shrinked (psychoanalyzed) by just anyone
do you know any professinal psychologists
that are experienced (recovered) cutters
themselves that I could talk to? I have also
thought about suicide
Not really seriously
It is my duty to my parents that really keeps
me here I'm very moody though, so I will
often deny it when I'm content And now, after
writing this, I hate myself more for having
to reach out---I should be able to take care
of myself!!! I'm sorry this is so
stream-of-conscious thanks...
~L
Well, it's been a long time since I have
added my own entry to this page. It amazes
me how long I go without adding to this page.
Life is busy. I recently got married!! The
biggest day of my life, and also the
happiest. Another big step.... I have been
self injury free for a whole year. Things
are going well. I'm feeling healthy, and I'm
happy. Just wanted to update...hopefully
things will remain in a happy place!!! I
have all faith that it will.~~TWW
I am a 14 year old girl from
Pennsylvania. I have a pretty "normal" life.
I am not physically or sexually abused so I
guess that can't be the reason for my
cutting. I do have an alcoholic father who
is constantly verbally abusing me. My
relationship with my mother can be good if I
choose it to be...I have complete control
over how we communicate...if I am mad then I
don't talk to her...so I guess you could say
we are pretty distant. I have one sister
(age 19) she is and never will be there for
me, I guess she is too wrapped up in her own
life to help me, but I don't need her help!
I don't need anyone's help...I never asked my
family for help because I am not "open" with
them about anything. It is really strange, I
tell people I barely know (such as yourself)
more things about me than the people I have
lived with all my life.
I am very curious about this whole
"cutting" idea. I have already cut myself
twice in the past three weeks. My best
friend (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend),
we will call him Jon, was mad at me a couple
weeks ago on a Friday night and he told his
girlfriend (at the time) who is also one of
my best friends (i know it sounds like a
Jerry Springer Theme), we will call my best
friend Jane, that he was mad at me and never
wanted to talk to me again. It was a
horrible feeling when those words were said
to me. Jon is like my best friend now, we
share everything, we constantly talk on the
phone and we are virtually inseparatable. I
just recently got over the "boyfriend
feelings" for him and now know the true
"friendship" we have. But at the time, and
on this Friday night, you could say I wasn't
completely over him in the "boyfriend aspect"
so when he was mad at me and then the factor
of Jane dating him made things even worse.
So, Jane was at my house talking to Jon and I
had had 3 caffeine pills so I was really
hyper and didn't even know what I was doing.
She got off the phone with Jon, and after she
did I went crazy! I broke me and Jon's cd
that had "our song" on it. I ripped up every
letter I wrote him, every poem I wrote about
him, I broke everything that had anything to
do with him. Then, Jane called Jon back to
talk to him...and she just sat in my room for
an hour talking to him while I started to
take the tip of a led pencil and cut my arm
with it. At first, I started out just
scraping the surface, I just wanted to make
marks, (I guess subconsciously I thought Jane
would for sure stop me) BUT SHE DIDN'T'T! She
just there talking to Jon the whole time
while I repeatedly shoved a pencil in my left
arm. At about 7 pm it was time for us to
leave for a dance so we went and I wore a
long sleeve shirt to hide the marks.
When we came home from the dance I
went to Erin's house to sleep over and of
course she called Jon and talked to him for 2
more hours while I took the same pencil and
cut myself again...this time I only worked on
one area, I wanted to leave a scar, I wanted
leave a memory of this horrible night, I
wanted to remember this last time I talked to
Jon.
It turns out Jon was "just kidding"
he said that he was never really mad at me.
When I told him about the cutting, he said I
was weird and screwed up...he said that Jane
shouldn't have stopped me, and if I wanted to
cut myself then no one should stop me because
that was what I wanted to do! His reaction
was the total opposite of what I had thought.
(I guess he used reverse psychology on me)
Well we still talk and he still jokes about
me being weird cause I cut myself. But things
with him are better now cause I know I am
over him completely and just love him as a
friend now!
Three days ago I got in a "huge
fight" with my dad (that would take forever
to explain so I am just gonna leave it at a
"huge fight"). My dad told me to go to hell,
to "f**k off, etc. etc. etc. I went in my
room turned off the lights, turned on my
music low and took the same pencil and carved
the work PAIN in my left arm. I still had the
scar from the "Jon incident" and so I figured
if I have the scar to remember that night,
then I want a scar to remember this night.
I think I want a scar for every time I want
to remember something bad that happens in my
life. But, now I regret writing it where I
did cause I can't wear short sleeves cause
you can see it, so I just cover it with a
band-aid, I guess the Band-Aids will be a way
of forgetting that memory, when I go
somewhere with friends I want to forget the
bad memories so I can have fun.
Well thats my story, so far anyways. I
don't know when I will stop, I don't know if
my "condition" will get worse. I don't want
to stop, I want to leave the scars but
sometimes I don't want the pain just the
memories. Just so I can hold on to something.~~Anonymous
Well, it has been a YEAR since I have posted anything of my own, and some people have been asking. So, here is my update. I just celebrated my one year anniversary with my husband. I am about to embark on another anniversary....2 years without self injury. That will take place on October 1st. I am very proud of who I have become, although some days I get a bit rusty. I still struggle at times with the urges, but have been able to hold off. The depression seems to get me more so than urges, but all of which I've dealt with successfully in the past. I hope to keep striving. I have enjoyed doing this website, and hearing all of the feedback. I really feel this site has made a difference in some lives, and that is very fulfilling. It's hard to believe that through it all, there has been some good to come out of it. It makes me feel like I have really come from somewhere, out of darkness. Although, I do visit those dark places every once in awhile, I can come out whenever I want, and I hope to keep that skill. That is about it. Please, everyone keep writing, I love getting e mails. Stay strong, and keep fighting ~~THE_WELL_WISHER
Deep in a pool of burning red,
I cut almost every part but my head.
Never my wrists, for fear of too deep
May put me in eternal sleep.
There are too many reasons why
I have to tell "them" all these lies
About how my cat scratched me there,
Or how the barber missed his hair,
To hide the real reason of those cuts
I know I don't have enough guts
To tell the truth - how I SI.
So instead, I tell them lies.
There are only a few ways out
Drugs and sex will give me doubt
Alcohol will make me sick
But SI could involve a stick
Or knife or any such thing
That gives me ever more comforting
Than my parents did or ever could give
Some people need SI to live
And for those who don't know what SI means
Self-Injury, it is, or so it seems.
Deep in a pool of burning red,
What makes me feel alive could claim me dead. -K.C.O
I'm no longer taking entry submissions. Thanks so much for all of those of you who submitted your deepest thoughts and feelings!
