"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Source:
*Teen.com
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying the mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for the animal in the church, but there's a new domination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Source:
Teen.com
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Source:
*Teen.com
The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.
To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday . . . well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"
Source:
*The Site Fights
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
Source:
*Teen.com
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Source:
*Teen.com
And the lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build me an Ark." In a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it will start to rain," thundered the Lord. "you'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping, and there was no Ark !!
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system." My neighbors objected, claiming I was in violation of zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a man against cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to try to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they would not let me catch the owls, so we have no owls for the Ark.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have two dozen carpenters doing the work of ten. And still no Owls!!
Then I started gathering up animals and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
Also, I'm running short on funds since the IRS seized all of my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about some kind of use tax. The federal government has now classified the Ark as a Yacht, thereby making it subject to an exorbinant luxury tax.
I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?", Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
Source:
*Teen.com
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Source:
*Humor Shack
Fred was in the hospital near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Source:
*Teen.com
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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