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Submitted by, Gib, Dallas, Tx.
Thanks Gib.........

HAVE YOU EVER FELT THIS WAY???

Subject:: Captain Bravo

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain:
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

Oh Shi.....................

”Sentenced”

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied: "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

Submitted by, Jackie, Santa Anna, Tx.
Thanks Jackie, this is cute...

Subject: Classic Anecdote

There once was a married couple who got along fine except for one lingering problem.
The husband had a severe condition of perpetual flatulance. It was wasn't enough that he had this condition but he also took tremendous pride and satisfaction from the fact that he was always at the top of his game, so to speak.
The problem was most severe at night while the couple were sleeping and many the time was that the poor wife would awake to find herself engulfed in a toxic cloud.
The wife would plead with her husband to seek medical attention or to at least partake of a leading over the counter relief agent, but to no avail.

During his most serious episodes she would even exclaim, "If you don't stop that, some day you are going to blow your guts out!"
"Yeah, right" he would reply not taking her in the least bit serious.

Well, one day while that lady was at the supermarket, she noticed that the butcher had chitlins on sale. (To those who are unaware, chitlins are pork intestines). She bought 5 pounds of these fresh pork guts and went home.
With a plan.

Sure enough, that night, the husband came to bed in exceedingly good form.
He had stayed up drinking beer and eating popcorn while watching his favorite movie, "Blazing Saddles".

He fell asleep and invariably fell into routine. At that point the wife arouse and retrieving the pork intestines, strategically position them in the approporiate area between the husbands legs.

The next morning the wife woke early and while enjoying a cup of coffee in kitchen, anticipated the hoped for reaction from her husband. It was not long before she heard her husbands blood curdling scream at which point a sly smile of intense satisfaction crossed her lips.

Thirty minutes passed whereupon the husband came into the kitchen. He looked awful. He was pale, a cold sweat dripping from his face and shaking uncontrollably.

The wife asked, " Honey, whats wrong?"

"Well", he said, "You know how you have always told me that if I did not change my windy ways that some day I would blow my guts out ?"

"Yes"

"Well", he paused and continued, "It happened..... But by the grace of God and these two fingers I was able to get them all back in !!"

Submitted by, Nancy, Hays, Ks.
Thanks Nancy....

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." The man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: " Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (Man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: " I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt"
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
Man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks,
"Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time ?
Wife says: "No only when he's drunk."

Two Sailors boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Sailors. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Sailor in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Sailors picked up the Marine's shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Sailor said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Sailor picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes

British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".

Under the government Plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smyths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smyth said, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell ...

Ms Smyth: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Ms Smyth: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Ms Smyth: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smyth: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smyth: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one or two on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Ms Smyth: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Ms Smyth: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Ms Smyth: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smyth: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smyth: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smyth: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smyth: "You mean they actually chewed on your, um ... equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smyth: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smyth: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smyth? ....

Ms Smyth? ... My word, she's fainted!"

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!
YES!!! I WIN!".

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!" ******************

From: "Richard"

TOP 50 OXYMORON'S

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the #1 Oxymoron...................

1. Microsoft Works

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first." The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, " That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first. The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now? °•°•°•°

THE CARROT STORY

Two carrots, Clarence and Camile, were strolling through the park, one day. They were enjoying the day, the sunshine and the songs that the birds were singing, but most of all they were enjoying each other.

Clarence was telling Camile how they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. Camile was loving it. They were so wrapped up in each other, they did not pay attention to what was going on around them.

As they stepped off the curb, to cross the street, a BIG truck came along and hit poor Clarence.

A crowd gathered and someone called 911.
In a very short time the ambulance arrived.

The paramedic gently lifted Clarence into the back of the ambulance.
Camile rode in front. Off they flew to the hospital with sirens screaming.

Camile paced and paced in the waiting room. It seemed like hours. Waiting for word of dear Clarence was sheer torture.

Finally the Doctor came out and said......
"I have good news and I have bad news."

"The good news is, your Clarence is going to live."
The bad news is that he will be a vegetable the rest of his life.

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED

Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, Can I eat this or will it kill me?

Well, here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.

THE GAG TEST------------Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS----When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS---------------Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE-----------If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS-------------Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES----------------This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT----If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD -----Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR-----Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE-------Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one)

CANNED GOODS--------------Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS-------A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS--------Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES--------If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.

CHIP DIP--------If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS-----------------Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a good prank, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:--------------You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: -----------------------

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

I worked for a while at a Walmart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Walmart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.

"The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

”Can't Fool Mom”

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his mother's thoughts , John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
"I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Love John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said

Dear Son,
"I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love Mom

Submitted by, Nancy, Hays, Ks.

STRANGE OLD LADY

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is,where she came from,or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.

She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude.

I have tried screaming at her to stop it but, she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening!

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck into a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion but, that is not nearly enough.

In fact,I dont want to jump to conclusions but, I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me.

You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money isn't the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth but, she better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She likes to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. Or messing with my files and papers so that I can't find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programed it to record.

She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can't see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that weren't bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me !! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me?

She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh,oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always on my computer too.

*sigh*.....what's a body to do?????

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No, sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then, officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: Now, why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with an entire court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through the locker room.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and

catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, 'You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transportation chosen accordingly.'

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, 'You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge.'

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, 'You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon.'

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, 'You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!' 'For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.' A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
'What's wrong, Sam?' they asked. 'You got the Ferrari!' 'You are set forever! Why so down?

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, 'I just saw my wife go by on a skate.

Submitted by, Lou, Natchitoches, La.
Thanks Lou.........

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final,"Yahoo!"and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.
One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and theyare still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived.

Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to Run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

and you thought it was dirty... :)

Submitted by, Ken, Duncan, Ok. "His & Her Garage"..

Submitted by, Myrna, Wichita, Ks.
"Peking Moon"

Submitted by, Jana, Des Moines, Ia.
Thanks Jana.....

Subject: Bathing Suit Time

For you women buying suits this year.

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the '50s, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure---boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. Bathing suits were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice ---she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice, and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the extra bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror---my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one breast cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other one. At last I found it flattened beside my 7th rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it fitted only those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the anorexic salesgirl popped her head through the curtains and said, " Oh, there you are" I asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled suit that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral 2 piece, which gave me the appearance of an over-sized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a ruffled midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg that I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.

Finally I found a costume that fitted-a 2 piece with short style bottoms and a halter-top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home I read the label which read 'material may become transparent in water' but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I'll just learn to breaststroke in the sand.

Author Unknown (or unwilling to divulge identity)

Submitted by, Donna, Holyrood, Ks.
Got 2 be me

Submitted by, Gib, Dallas, Tx.

”Remember Bubba?” He’s back, and even better....:)

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning, I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort on hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in 'that area' in from of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when h called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My....we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went shopping and then home.
At 8:30 that evening, my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles on it."

submitted by, Jennifer, Victoria, Ks.
Thanks Jennifer.......

WHY PARENTS GET GRAY

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,

"Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the

Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

Mark & Jana wrote:

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!
**************************************

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. = 20

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said: "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee.

I said: Well, then why are you crying? He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.

I said: "Well so why are you crying? He said: "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am.

I said: Well, so why in the world would you be crying?
He said: "I CAN''T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.
WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, " I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was 'wasted'.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! Fer shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "Aye, and so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

Both Al Gore and Dan Quayle were in New Hampshire campaigning. In the spirit of bipartisanship they shared an airplane between campaign stops.
On the plane with them (for who knows what reason) were the Archbishop of New Hampshire and the Lubavitcher rabbi.
As they crossed the White Mountains the plane lost power and the pilot bailed out. The remaining four quickly counted parachutes but found only three parachutes still on the plane.

Gore shouted, "I'm the Vice President. I have to survive!", grabbed a parachute and jumped.

Quayle shouted, "I'm the only hope for the Republican party and I have to survive!", grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The Archbishop turned to the rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I am an old man. I am not married and have fathered no children. Take the last parachute and save yourself."

The Lubavitcher rabbi replied, "Fear not, Father, there are still two parachutes left. Dan Quayle jumped with my tallis and tefillin."

(for my non jewish friends, a tallis is the shawl like thing that men wear during prayer...I have no idea what a tefillin in....I'm only Jewish by injection)

Subject:

********************************************************************************************

----- COFFEE TIME

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'

Subject: 50/50?

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied,

"It's his turn with the teeth."

Subject: It's the TRUTH!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

”Where is God”

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy scheduled to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God!?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"

Subject: 25 Rules To Help (Wo)Men Understand Each Other

"25 Rules to Help Women Understand Men"

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up...don't come tell us about it. Put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to... expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Some times, we're not thinking about you.

6. We're never thinking about "the relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different -- it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than any cats.

9. Sunday = sports.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you have to, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No... we don't know what day it is. Mark anniversaries on the calender.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says "I love you!" like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Top Ten Things Men Know about Women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

This one is funny!

The three following were
submitted by, Jana, Des Moines,
Thanks Jana...

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, Excuse me sir ..... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it"

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says. "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00,
and the catfish stink bait is $2.50

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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