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Computer idiot:
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the employee is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause."
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in through the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f--king stupid to own a computer."
Note from the Author: The following are, for the most part, true stories.
My nephew worked as a ‘support technician’ . These are stories he has given me.. Thanks, Jeff... `;œ)
The Novice Mac user.. Duuuuuaaaa....
A support representative friend of mine came up to me one day and said that he thought he had done something wrong. He had been walking a novice Mac user through rebuilding her desktop. She tiresomely questioned every direction the technician made. After half an hour of patiently talking her through what should have been a one minute process, she finally stated, "Oh! Now it says, 'Are you sure you want to rebuild the desktop on the disk XXX?'"
Tech Support: "Ok--"
Customer: "Oh, now there's something like a spinning barber pole on the
screen."
Tech Support: "You didn't press 'OK' did you?"
Customer: "Yes. You said 'OK'."
Tech Support: (acting alarmed) "I just said 'Ok,' I didn't mean for you
to press 'OK'!"
Customer: (panicking) "What should I do now?”
Tech Support: "Run! Get out of there! Run! Run!"
The next thing he heard was the phone hitting the floor, the sound of rapidly retreating footsteps, and a door slam. After numerous calls over the course of an hour, the customer finally answered the phone. She had waited outside for an hour -- when the computer didn't explode, she went back inside and unplugged it.
My friend, John, was quite good with computers. His brother, Jim, was not.
Jim’s biggest problem was double clicking. He could never
seem to do it fast enough and would often get very frustrated in his
attempts.
One day, while Jim was away, my friend, John took a snapshot of Jim's screen, set it as the wallpaper, and cleared the desktop of all icons.
You can't even begin to imagine how frustrated Jim grew trying and failing for hours to click on the "icons" in the wallpaper.
Customer: "I want to send an email. How do I do it from WordPerfect?"
Tech Support: "Do you have an email program?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Are you on a network?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Do you have a modem?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Then you can't send email."
Customer: "This program is useless! How am I going to send an email!?"
Tech Support: "Well, if you push the send button a small door will open at the back of your monitor, and a pigeon will fly out with your message." I had the phone on mute when I said this last line, but my supervisor didn't know it. The look on his face was great.
I once went on site to fix a problem a customer had. Nothing would come up. I asked if he cycled the power, and he said he did. I asked him to show me exactly what he had done. He turned the monitor off and on again.
I reached down under the desk, hit the reset button, and everything was fine. He asked what the problem was. I said, "Don't worry about it sir, it's an eye-dee-ten-tee error -- takes too long to explain -- have a nice day."
Write down 'I,' 'D', '10', and 'T' together, and you'll see what I meant.
Our service does not work with a UART older than the 16550 one. One customer had an older UART chip, and he refused to believe it would keep him from using our service. He got very upset, finally snapping:
Customer: "What does UART stand for anyway??"
Tech Support: "It stands for UART gettin' online!"
:<)
I have an email that has a lot more of them on it if you want them. I just picked the one's that made me LOL. it's so funny that these are so true. I really had to laugh at some of these.
Jeff’s home page: Bare Back Jack
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
I was reading through the famous web site compaqsucks and found this, I wonder who this was, a mad tech that just got fired a couple weeks ago maybe? just thought you might get a kick out of this.
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Front Page Story
Author: Slave Boy
Email: compaqs@watching.net
I'm a Compaq technician; not really I work for @@@@@@@ Corp., which contracts to Compaq. Most customers don't understand why they get the support they get. Most techs want to help out but the restrictions that Compaq imposes stops us from helping.
One restriction that Compaq imposes is a time limit. You may call and ask if we have a time limit and we'll answer "no, we don't have a time limit", as we are required to say. When I first started out, we had twelve to fifteen minutes to solve your problem, which can be done if it's a simple question. (I.e. how much RAM can I put in the machine) Then about four months later the time length moved again to ten through twelve minutes to solve and if you had to rebooted the system three times then your times up. Well, guess what... the time limits have moved again. Currently the limit is from six to ten minutes to solve your problem. Currently the only way to get complex machine corrected is to QR the machine whether it needs it or not. Wait... Hold on a bit... I know what you're going to say and I AGREE WITH YOU. A lot of problems can be fixed without doing the QR..... Here's the catch 22 for us the techs.... If we don't get you off the phone in the current time limit when we will be written up or later fired if it keeps happening (PERIOD). For an incentive, we the techs get paid more money if we get you off the phones faster. Yes this is the first time that I've gone to work for a company to deceive people about Compaq's problems.
Another restriction that Compaq imposes takes place in giving support to the customer. According to Compaq, we are under no condition to tell people about the major problems with different systems. If you read the tech's information when you could see what I'm talking about. Also if you get a computer that will not work and it's out of the box or about every component has been replaced, we can not tell you to take it back even if we thinks it's a Lemon. If we tell you the customer to take it back to the store and Compaq is monitoring the call they will call my company and tell them to remove that tech from their employment. So what do you think My Company will do... fire an honest tech or jeopardize losing the contract? So what do we have to say is that we (Compaq) will get the computer fixed. Now for the fun part is that out of box monitor or printer not working we can replace it...But what we can't tell you is that it will be replaced with a refurbished component...Yes someone old rebuild piece of equipment in exchange for your new monitor or printer. I have finally got it all figured out. We are not here for customer support but for customer management... Do you remember during the Gulf war when all the American people in Iraq were forced to stay at military site so that we wouldn't bomb those sites? Well Compaq must have thought it was a great idea because they're using the same tactics. And we the techs are there to protect from any customer from getting to them but instead of oil or weapons we're protecting Compaq's money. We the tech are the human wall set up by Compaq.
Not only do we have to deal with Compaq but we have to deal with our Company too. Some of the internal operations disable us from help you. After our initial training, we start receiving less and less training. All of the software that comes with the computer old and new, we have had no training unless we have the program a home or check it out after hours. Many techs have requested formal training on a program that people uses a lot but all requests for training have been rejected. And any more requests will resolve in being written up. That also includes any new computer that Compaq releases. When the 5200 series computers were released, you had more info on the system then we did. We couldn't even tell you what size processor or hard drive it came with. And after 2 months, we still don't have all the info on the systems. Compaq still hasn't released that info yet. We have to go on the Internet to find out that info. The only training that was software related was Windows 98 training. You may think that good until you find out how long the training was. My friend works for Microsoft and he received five weeks training for the windows 98 operating system while Compaq techs received 4 hours. The training was short so that we could get back on the phones and say that we had windows 98 training. You may say "well, he gets paid more money so he should be able work it out " The starting wage not salary but wage is $7.00 an hour with the max of $8.50 an hour...McDonalds in the same area starts out at $6.50 an hour... Would like fries with that Defrag? Also the common tech is not certified with either a MSCE or an A+ certification. With coming months, more and more resources are not available to use due to cost cuts to save money. And day in and day out the system that we work with crashes. It like having a mechanic work on your car and the boss with only let the mechanic use a pocketknife and a hammer to save money. And god forbid that any tech uses the word UNION. At the first day of employment, a supervisor comes in and says that anyone tries to start a union you will automatically be FIRED...NO IFS AND OR BUTS ABOUT IT (period).
So as you can see, we the tech are just messengers of Compaq's Legal webs of Deceit.
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