Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not
to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want
to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies.
I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good
breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or
Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising
100 hogs?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down
to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first
year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now, another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
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Emailed to me from another humor list (Humor Digest)
Submitted there by Gwendolyn E Eckman (geckman@polaris.umuc.edu)
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Subject: Government loans at their best
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to
the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to
track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the
following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has
been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the
194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any
educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property
area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from
France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of
Conquest from Spain.
The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our ... loan?"
They got it.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD
Psalm 35:12a
READ IT AND WEEP, (for America)
On January 23, 1996, Joe Wright of Wichita, Kansas, was the guest chaplain for the Kansas House of Representatives. He was asked to open their session that day with its customary prayer. However after the prayer, three house members jumped to their feet in a rage and indignantly shouted, "He can't talk like that!" What was it he said that was so terrible?
Listen in:
"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know your Word says woe to those who call evil good but that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of your Word in the name of moral pluralism. We have worshipped other gods and called it multiculturalism. We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle. We have exploited the poor and called it a lottery. We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. In the name of choice we have killed our unborn. In the name of right to life we have killed abortionists. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building esteem. We have abused power and called it political savvy. We have coveted our neighbors' possessions and called it taxes. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, O God, and know our hearts today. Try us and show us any wicked way in us. Cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of Kansas and who have been ordained by you to govern this great state. Grant them your wisdom to rule and may their decisions direct us to the center of your will. I ask in the name of your Son, the living Savior Jesus Christ, Amen." "Righteousness exalts a nation, but sin is a reproach (Proverbs 14:34)
When pastor Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas
Senate, everyone was expecting the usual political-correct generalities.
But on January 23, 1996' what they heard instead was a stirring prayer,
passionately calling our country to repentance and righteousness. The
response was immediate, with a number of legislators walking out during
the prayer. In six short weeks Central Christian Church logged more
than 5000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.
Commentator Paul Harvey aired Pastor Joe Wright's prayer on the radio
and received more
response to this program than any other program, receiving international
request for copies of this prayer from India, Africa, and Korea. The
prayer is reprinted below as an encouragement and challenge to each of
us to stand for the truth of the Gospel wherever the opportunity. The
prayer is as follows:
"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask Your forgiveness and seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your word says, 'Woe into those who called evil good,' but that's exactly what we have done. We have of lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values.
We confess that:
We have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word, and called it
PLURALISM;
We have worshiped other gods and called it MULTI-CULTURALISM;
We have endorsed perversion and called it ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE;
We have exploited the poor and called it the LOTTERY;
We have neglected the needy and called it SELF-PRESERVATION;
We have rewarded laziness and called it WELFARE;
We have killed our unborn and called it CHOICE;
We have shot abortionists and called it JUSTIFIABLE;
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it BUILDING
SELF-ESTEEM;
We have abused power and called it POLITICAL-SAVVY;
We have coveted our neighbors possessions and called it AMBITION;
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it
FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION;
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called
it ENLIGHTENMENT;
Search us Oh God, and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of Kansas and who have been ordained by You, to govern this great state. Grant them Your wisdom to rule, and may their decisions direct us to the center of Your will. I ask in the name of Your Son, the Living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen."
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"In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up
because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t
speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists,
and
I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for
Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they
came
for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up."
Martin Niemoeller
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Subject: [VODSS-CPS] Fw: Long Distance Charge for Internet Access?
Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 09:47:45 -0800
From:
"Portia Davis, Executive Director" Reply-To:
VODSS-CPS@onelist.com
To:
From: "Portia Davis, Executive Director" This is important!! It is my feeling that the powers that be don't
especially like the unwashed masses having access to the information
available on the internet.
If you have already seen this, please forgive any inconvenience from
receiving a duplicate.
LISTEN UP! Please read below,. take action & pass on
URGENT PLEASE JOIN TOGETHER IN THIS CNN reported that in the next two
weeks, Congress is going to vote on allowing telephone companies to
charge for Internet access. That means, every time we make a long
distance
e-mail we will receive a long distance charge. This will get costly.
Please visit to the following web site AND complain. Complain to your
Congressman. Don't allow this to pass. http://www.house.gov/writerep
Pass this on to your friends and family. It is urgent! All of us
have an intere$t in this one.
PLEASE FORWARD TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW TODAY BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in
Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such
cookie Lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie."
It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe
and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not but, you can
buy the recipe." Well, l asked how much, and she responded, "Only two
fifty, it's a great deal!" I agreed with approval, just add it to my
tab I told her.
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus
and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent
$9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf.
As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "CookieRecipe
$250.00" That's outrageous! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and
told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not
mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation
of the phrase.
Neiman- Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money,
because according to them,"What the waitress told you is not our
problem.
I explained to her the criminal statues which govern fraud in Texas.
I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the
State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically
told, "Do what you want, it doesn't matter, and we're not refunding
your money."
I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have
$250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that
every Cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a
$250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman- Marcus...for free. She replied, "I
wish you wouldn't do this. " I said, "Well, you should have thought
of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her.
So here it is!!!
Please, PLEASE, please pass it on to everyone you can possible think of. I paid NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)
** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
Have fun!!!
This is a true story. Ride free, citizens!
"I always believe the best of everybody-it saves so much time."
Submit your jokes to
Webmaster
Return to the
Cover Page.
FYI
You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund
your money at this point."
I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any
of my money back.
$250 for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to *ever* get
another penny off of this recipe....
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. soda
2 cups sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal ***
24 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together
with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda.
Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts.
Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.
RUDYARD KIPLIN
