AND GOD SAID...
I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, "I know."
I said, "God, I cry alot."
And God said, "That's why I gave you tears."
I said, "God, I am so depressed."
And God said, "That's why I gave you sunshine."
I said, "God, Life is so hard."
And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God, my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said, "Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light."
I said, "God, it hurts."
And God said, "I know."
~~Author Unknown~~
The links below are my thoughts from each year after Max's death. I decided to do a separate page for each year. You will notice that the thoughts are much the same. This journey is so difficult. But PEACE is coming...Some days are more difficult than others...
Each year has something special I did in Max's memory. I hope you will take the time to look at each year of the journey.
~2005~
February 5th, 2005 -
My dearest Max,
I can't believe you would be 7 years old today. As you know, your sisters and I went out to dinner for your birthday. We loved sharing our memories of you, and imagining what you would look like, or be like at age 7. We think you would be a cowboy...but sensitive since you would have been surrounded by girls all the time. Mere words can't express how much we miss you. One year closer to being with you again...All my love, Mommy
The "BEST" dog in the world died today, March 14th, 2005.
My little Robi Jo, she was 12 years, and 10 months old.
She would have been 13 on May 22nd.
Today is a tough day...
Max...you get your dog back today, I know you two will be running and playing.
May 17th, 2005
WOW...7 YEARS...since the worst day of my life...
As I reflect on the events of the past 7 years, today I am struck with the overwhelming feeling of saddness...But at the same time, I am looking forward to the future. It is a difficult tight rope I walk.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to one of the students I work with. He has really been struggling lately...and was having a tough day. He said to me..."Jackie, you just don't understand. Nothing bad has ever happened to you". I just smiled at him...and said "that is not true, you have no idea all the bad things that have happened to me".
I explained to him that the secret was to learn how to rise above the bad things. To not let the bad things define his future. Learn from them, and then be the best person that you can be. I try to take my own advice. The tragedy of my son's death is definately one of the things that define me. Who I am today...I am still learning to live with his death. I experience moments of happiness. And with all that there is saddness too. That is what I think life is all about. Happiness and saddness mixed together. I allow myself those feelings. Everyone on the planet has tragedies to deal with. Those who live to be happy are able to learn from and live with the tragedy, and move on from them...Not allow the bad to destroy them. When the grief is new, it is such a hard thing to do. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. How we live our lives after the tragedy is what matters. It has taken a very long time to ease my mind into this. Somedays I am not there yet. But I keep trying. I have attempted to do some good things since my son's death. In many areas I have fallen very short. There is so much anger that goes with this journey...so today, I am feeling torn by my many emotions rolling around at once...including, saddness and remorse. I pray for the people I may have hurt along the way. I just want to say that I am so sorry. I wish I could take it all back...but I can't. Forgiveness is such a huge part of living a peaceful life. With my apology comes my pledge to try harder.
I always try to reflect over the past year on this day. Today I have replayed the past 7 years, amazed I have come as far as I have...knowing that this journey has many setbacks...feeling humble, and praying for peace, happiness, and forgiveness.
Max, I sure do miss you!
God Bless...
All the music chosen for ~Max's Website~ has meaning. The song on this page is My Own Prison by Creed. This song has a lot of meaning for me. When Max died I just couldn't listen to music for months. When I finally did turn on the radio, I was in my truck, sitting at a stop sign. This song was on the radio. The first lines I heard were...I should have been dead on a Sunday morning, banging my head....WOW...Max died on a Sunday morning, and It should have been me...not him. I sat there and cried and cried. This song hits me in the gut, and makes me think. In many ways I feel that I have created my own prison. Grief is a prison! I am held hostage by it.
Thanks Creed for a gripping song. That fits perfectly for my life.
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