Okay, so I'm visiting the Deceiving Ralph's message board, and I see that they've taken all the shit Jeni posted off. So, I'm skimming through the different posts, and I see this one from some chick named Denelle (the groupie) thats what she put. So... I'm all like hmmmmmm... and she's writing Bob... (my hot drummer). Ahhhh my graduation song is on, "I Hope You Dance." Anyway... she writes "to bobby joe... just wanted to say hi, cuz I'm thinking about you." Grrrrrrrrrr... well anyway she has a webpage and I go. And she has pictures and shit all about him.. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Now, I know I have no right to be jealous or whatever, but I can't help it!! I like this guy a lot. So... I just feel like bitching about it. I can't do anything about this, I know that. But, I can bitch all I want to. Even though Bob doesn't like it when I bitch, I don't care. He's never going to see this, so I can bitch, bitch, bitch all I want!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Okay, I think I'm done....
Grrrrrrrrr.. Denelle the groupie.. I will bite you!!!!
deana
10/03/01
God, I haven't written on here in forever. Umm... Tori and I are now talking, you know the girl that hated me because I slept with Mike. Yay, she doesn't hate me anymore.
I met the hottest guy.. he plays the drums in a punk band. And he is so yummy.
I got really bored today, and took some of the tests, on TheSpark.com... so here are some things I did.
09/08/01
I've tried to be understanding, really I have. But, frankly I'm getting a little sick and tired of Amanda. I know she's friends with Tori, and I know that we've been hanging out a lot, and she hasn't spent 5 days (five whole days, woo freakin' hoo) with her. But, come on. I needed to spend some time with my best friend. I've been through a lot of shit in the past week, and I just wanted to be able to forget about it for awhile. But, no.... she has to hang out with Tori. Because, she "blew" her off to hang out with me for a fucking hour! AN HOUR! I mean, come on now... an hour?
We just recently got into a huge drunken fight Monday night, and I feel like I've totally lost my best friend. I don't even know who the hell she is anymore. She certainly isn't the Amanda I knew. I don't even know if I want to know her. I feel as if she doesn't even want to be in my life half the time. And she still calls me her best friend.
So, what happened tonight, to bring all the shit to hit the fan? She said she made plans with Tori for later, and took me home. I'm sick and tired of being understanding. I'm done with it. I just want to hang out with my friend. But, no she's partying, and having a good ole time. While I sit at home (which isn't really my home. I'm living in my dad's apartment, sleeping in my brother's bunk bed) and do nothing all fucking day and night.
Not to mention the fact that MTV is fucking shit these days. Fucking Nsync winning viewers choice award. What kind of shit is that? I mean, all day long the BOYS had been winning all day..forget the fact that the percentages were in their favor all damn day. NO! The stupid "pop kings" win a few moon men and they deserve viewers choice. Well FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK YOU MTV! You can kiss my fat, white ass.
And Jamie Fox? Hello, can you say IDIOT!!!??!! I mean, there are some things that you can laugh at, and then there are some things that should just be left alone. Do you have no class? MTV has gone to shit. I mean the channel sucks. Hello, what does MTV stand for? Music Television. How much music do they play? About four hours. FOUR HOURS, in a twenty-four hour time. YOU SUCK!
I think I'm done bitching for awhile.. I might feel like it later. But, for now. I'm finished.
deana
8/24/01/
tried to give you summer, but I'm winter.
wish I could make you spring, but I fall so hard.
here I am, at two o'clock in the morning, wishing I could see him. Wanting to be in his presence for a moment. To feel my heart flutter, as it always does whenever I near him. I long I wish I was going back to high school, not only because I want those care-free days of adolescents, but because it was so much easier to miss him when I knew I would see him the next day. Now, all I have is the hope to be invited to the sporadic party, or pass by him on the street. I could never call him, not now. Things have changed so much.
I long for his hands to hold mine, his arms to wrap around my neck the way they used to. And hold me so tight. I wish for him to stand behind me, bury his nose into my hair and inhale the smell of my shampoo. He used to do that all the time. Or, grab a handful of my hair, and run his fingers through it, tangling it, messing it up, and then smoothing it back out.
It is so hard to forget him, and when I do, he's back. Making my life miserable and exciting in one breath. I hate being lonely, I only wish for love. Is that so horrible? Real love, from him. There is a song, I love listening to it. Its by a group, 'Good Charlotte', describes him to a tee. He invades my thoughts at the most strange times. When I'm sitting in front of my computer, when I'm driving to the mall, when I'm sitting in my bed listening to music. He's so unattainable. Yet, he's so close to my reach. I hate this... more than words can describe. Probably because I cannot put my feelings for him into words. He's indescribable.
I am lost in the see-thru
I think you lost your way too.
I practice all the things
I'd say, to tell you how I feel.
And when I finally get my chance
It all seems so surreal.
Cuz from the first time I saw you
I only thought about you.
I didn't know you
I wanted to hold onto
The things you'd never say to me.
You said,
You can't change the way you feel.
But you can't tell me this ain't real,
Cuz this is real.
And in the end its all I've got,
so I will hold on to that.
So, I'm going to hold on.
Now you've got me watching your eyes,
I'm watching just to see, watching just to see.
Got me waiting just to see,
if you'll ever look at me.
If it goes the way it never will
will it ever go, will it ever go my way?
Your eyes are watching me.
Now, you've got me thinking bout
the first time that I met you.
Standing in a crowded room
but I could only see you.
And I hope my words will get through
cuz now I can't forget you.
I want to tell you
if only I could reach you
And make you feel this way,
But you said,
You can't change the way you feel.
I would never do that, I could never do that
But you can't tell me this ain't real,
Cuz this is real.
And in the end its all I've got,
so I will hold on to that.
So, I'm going to hold on.
He knows how I feel, but sigh, he does not feel the same. People are always telling me, "he loves you". "you two are so cute". "he thinks your the best thing in the world." THEN WHY ISN'T HE WITH ME??? Thats all I want to know? If he thinks I'm so great, then why in the hell won't he be with me??
deana
