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Ego: A Lousy Guide to Relationship
by Carolyn Godschild Miller, Ph.D.
If you are to utilize guidance to find a soulmate, the first thing you
need to do is learn to tell the difference between the voice of your
inner teacher and that of your ego. This is not really difficult, since
your guide and your ego espouse entirely different thought systems.
Indeed, cultures throughout the world seem to resonate with the idea
that there is a high-minded influence within us that argues in favor of
love, humility, and forgiveness, and that it is opposed by another that
urges us to be egotistical, selfish, and judgmental. The cartoons of my
childhood, for example, depicted what I am calling ego as a little red
devil whispering malicious advice into a character's left ear, while a
winged and haloed angel representing guidance spoke words of generosity
and tolerance in the other.
Guide's Thinking Differs from Ego's
The simplest way to explain the difference between your guide's
perspective and that of your ego is to say that the former believes that
love is real and fear is not, while the latter believes that fear is
real and love is not. It may surprise you to learn that your ego doesn't
believe that love really exists, but it's true. Just think! When you
allow your ego to direct your search for love, you are actually asking
the only thing in the universe that doesn't know what love is, to find
it for you. Talk about letting the inmates run the asylum!
How is it that our false self knows nothing about love? Well, that's the
way we designed it. From a metaphysical perspective, the human mind
invents an ego for the purpose of making love seem unreal.
And just why would we want to do such a silly thing? A number of
spiritual traditions suggest that it is because God is love. They say we
wanted to forget about our Creator for a while, so that we could play at
being creators ourselves. And since everything that God creates is a
perfect reflection of divine love, the only way we could generate an
experience that would be uniquely our own was to make up an imperfect
world where love's opposite -- fear -- would appear to rule. Thus, fear
is our own original contribution to an otherwise loving universe.
The ego's problem is that any experience of love, however attenuated,
threatens to trigger our memory of reality, and spoil the game we came
here to play. Its job is to make sure that doesn't happen. Thus, we
might compare the ego to the weight belt a scuba diver dons to
counteract her natural buoyancy. If a diver took off her weight belt,
she would quickly bob back up to the surface. If you and I released
identification with our ego, we would quickly bob back up into reality;
where it would be apparent that love is everywhere. As long as we prefer
to remain immersed in frightening illusions, our ego is necessary to
filter every trace of love out of our perceptions -- no mean feat in a
universe made entirely of love!
The fact is that whenever we genuinely care for anyone, we do bob back
into reality, although usually only briefly. That's why being in love is
so heavenly! It's like an all-expenses-paid vacation from fear. Our ego
has to be extremely vigilant to nip this sort of thing in the bud. It
knows very well that once we start loving, there is no telling where it
might end. Today your dog or cat -- tomorrow the world!
Why Egos Seek Love
You'd think that if our false self is so intent upon preventing us from
experiencing love, it would actively discourage our search for it, but
this is not the case. Our ego doesn't just warn us not to trust those
who care for us; it also inveighs against the horrors of a lonely old
age. Indeed, far from being indifferent to love, our false self often
seems almost obsessively concerned with finding it. To hear our ego tell
it, no real happiness is possible in life until we unite with that
"special someone" who alone can validate our worth, give meaning to our
lives, and solve all our earthly problems.
What we need to understand is that our ego knows perfectly well that
love is the only thing we really want or need. This leaves it with no
alternative but to become embroiled in our search for a soulmate. If it
said what it thinks -- that love doesn't really exist, and only fear is
real -- we would very quickly see the absurdity of searching for
fulfillment within a loveless illusion. At that point, our ego's whole
world of distressing possibilities would be canceled for lack of
interest -- and our ego along with it!
No, our false self can't induce us to remain in illusion by ignoring our
desire for love. None of us is so deluded that we'd put up with that! So
instead, it carries out its mission by offering to show us how to find
love, and then making sure that we never do. Like a carnival scam
artist, our ego assures us that there is no reason for us not to win the
romantic jackpot on our very next try. But somehow it never seems to
work out that way. There is actually no "danger" at all of finding a
soulmate as long as we play the game by our ego's rules.
How can our false self guarantee that we will not stumble upon true love
despite its interference? It can't. But what it can do is make it very
difficult for us to recognize what we've found. Egos render love
"invisible" in much the same way Siegfried and Roy make tigers disappear
on stage in Las Vegas -- through the skillful misdirection of attention.
First our false self reassigns the name "love" to something that poses
no threat to it, and then it keeps us so busy searching for the wrong
thing that we wouldn't notice the right one, even if we tripped over it.
I'll say more about the love substitute our ego keeps us searching for,
but for now, let me just call it conditional love or infatuation. When
your ego offers to help you find "love," it doesn't mean real love --
the unconditional kind that fills you, and those around you, with
lasting joy and satisfaction. To find that kind of love you'd have to
abandon your ego and relate only with your soul. No, the kind of love
your ego has in mind for you is something quite different. Once you've
become deeply embroiled in the search for it, your gaze will pass right
over the real thing without a glimmer of recognition.
You see, the human romantic dilemma isn't that true love is so very hard
to find, but that it is too ordinary to withstand comparison with the
exotic illusions our ego offers in its place. In the same way that
diamonds seem precious while the pure water we need in order to survive
doesn't, we take love for granted and strain after the impossibly
beautiful substitute our ego offers in its stead. Infatuation ravishes
our senses, and seems to promise gratification beyond our wildest
dreams. Unfortunately, when we mistake it for the genuine article, we
slowly starve for love even as we seem to gorge ourselves on it.
Real love is actually a pretty pedestrian affair, characterized by
simple virtues like patience, forgiveness, tolerance, humor, gentleness,
empathy, tact, honesty, discipline, and practical support. It is not
heralded by a state of breathless exaltation, but by a sense of peaceful
contentment. Chances are you've had many opportunities in your life for
"true love" that you passed up without a backward glance.
The "Special" Relationship
A Course in Miracles contrasts the special relationship -- which is
based upon infatuation -- with the holy relationship, which is grounded
in real love. Special relationships are all about how love is supposed
to be. In pursuit of them, we do our best to achieve a union where
everything looks perfect, regardless of the way it feels.
The ego's fantasy of "special love" involves a partner so obviously
desirable that he or she reflects glory on us every time we are seen
together. A suitably romantic courtship, during which both parties do a
flawless portrayal of people in love, culminates in a fairy-tale perfect
wedding. Then the lucky couple goes off to live happily ever after in
the local equivalent of a palace, producing beautiful, trouble-free,
high-achieving children, who reflect well on their parents. It will all
be just perfect -- as long as everyone does their damndest to keep up
appearances.
Unfortunately, concern with the outward appearance of a relationship
always comes at the expense of content. It is exhausting to hold a pose
for five minutes, much less a lifetime, and however "perfect" special
relationships look from the outside, they leave the participants feeling
empty and alone. Both know that they are valued only for the act they
can put on, and that any attempt to reveal their true selves will be
regarded as a breach of contract. As the Course points out, the special
relationship is a very impressive frame, but the picture it holds is
dark and depressing.
Holy relationships (think wholesome relationships if you find the
religious connotation off-putting) are achieved only when we forget
about the frame (the way our union appears to others, all the social and
material advantages it does or doesn't offer), and focus instead upon
content (the glorious way it feels to be with someone we truly enjoy).
The holy relationships soulmates work to create don't necessarily look
like anything out of the ordinary. Your friends aren't going to drop
dead with envy when you walk into a room on the arm of a man or woman
whose chief appeal lies is the fact that he or she really understands
who you are, shares your enthusiasms, and enjoys hanging out with you.
But being with such a person feels marvelous! You can finally stop
smiling for the camera, let your belt out a notch or two, and be
yourself.
Are you beginning to see what I mean about real love being too ordinary
to compete with our ego's dreams of achieving glory through the conquest
of a very special partner? In interviewing couples for this book, I've
been repeatedly struck by the way people seem to reserve hyperbole for
individuals who appeal to their egos. When soulmates describe their
early impressions of each other, "nice" is the adjective that crops up
most frequently. Nice feels awfully good, but it is of no use whatsoever
to our ego in its quest for glory.
In closing, I'd like to point out one other interesting feature of
soulmate relationships -- the way everything else seems to fall into
place once we make love our first priority. The Bible says, "Seek ye
first the kingdom of heaven, and all else shall be added unto you." The
literal truth of this statement is repeatedly demonstrated in soulmate
unions where someone gives up "everything" for love, and then winds up
getting it all anyway. Karen, for example, thought she needed a man who
was rich and successful. By choosing to love and marry her soulmate,
despite the fact that he was poor and unsuccessful, that's exactly what
she got. Invest in the picture that brings you joy, and the universe may
just throw in the frame for free!
GUIDELINES FOR ACTUALIZING A SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP
1. Look for the sort of person you'd want as a best friend even if you
weren't attracted to her or him sexually.
2. Don't cultivate a relationship with someone "superior" whose love
appears to "elevate" you in some way, but with an equal you enjoy.
3. Remember that your soul won't be satisfied with anything less than
true love. Accept no substitutes!
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