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.l.a.u.r.a.

.no.day.but.today.


09.08.03 Monday. 5:25 PM It's been ages since I wrote. Veritable ages! My life is pretty good. School is good, friends are mostly good with a few small glitches here and there, family is good except that Betsy's gone, Bonnie's good, blah blah blah. I just really feel like writing. Something meaningful for a change, not my usual chatter. I wrote my piece for the Lion's Roar, which is semi-meaningful. It felt good to know that people will read it and maybe care. Usually when I get like this, this weird must write feeling, it's because I'm depressed or annoyed or somesuch, but now I think that I've reached a new level and I can write without real motivation. I take that back: I can write without negetive motivation. That's good, I think. Anyway, I think that my (positive) motivation now is to cut the blabber and write something worthwhile. Reading back over my journal I've gotten better. Last night I read my 8th grade journal...it was painful. Ridiculous. Above all, embarrassing. I wish Ms. B. (or is she still Blasbalg??) could see some of my writing now...hah!
6.16.03 Monday. 11:35 AM Well, English final is over...and it was crazy easy. good, good. and i have betsy's green pants! but now i have to study for History final...YUCK! Lindsey's frickin out of school, dammit. which reminds me, i met josh and he seems nice. met him as in, online. AND I taLKED TO KATIE!!! yay...and i read her introduction...oh my god, it is sooo good! she didnt believe me when i said it sounds like marya...but it does! she is so great....
6.8.03 Sunday. 5:09 PM I'm being murcid. Hah. Words are cool. Murcid, for instance. One who is being mucid is shirking his or her work. Shirk, that's cool too. I think I will make a website and list all my favorite words that I got from Betsy's my (hah) word jar thingy. And the other one which I must re-look-up again. Ooh, ooh, Tim asked Kristina out!!! YAY!!! Good job, Inna!! :) I'm so happy for Kippy...she has been so in love for so long! My little baby's growing up! :)Yes, I will make that website. Soon. But first I have to stop being murcid. Ponophobic. (Ponophobia: a mortal fear of work. great word, huh?)
6.7.03 Saturday. 3:08 PM Well, I stayed after school on Monday to talk to Mr. van Beever about my stupid test corrections. Shosh and Kristina and Anneke were there working on their project and Emily was also talking to Mr. VB. So then Liz came in with the card for Anna's parents for me to sign, so I went to sign it and burst in to tears. And Mr. VB was just like, "Um, I'm going to, um, go, um, to my, um, office to find the...um...to find something" which was pretty funny so I started laughing but it looked like I was crying eve harder and it was...not emabarrassing, but everyone was looking at me. It was not what I wanted. Well, obviously, but it just wasn't right. Oh, well.

I went to Betsy's graduation on Thursday and it was loads of fun. I finally met Dave's brother Billy and Dave was trying to get us to "fall head over heels in love" and Betsy wanted a picture of us "staring lovingly into eachothers' eyes." Hah hah.


6.1.03 Sunday. 10:02 PM Tomorrow is June 2nd. Tomorrow. Jesus Christ, two fucking years. Two fucking years. All I feel is bewildered, not sad. Just...confused, like the world is surreal, a figment of my wild imagination. Like these past two and a quarter years have been all wrong. Some huge mistake that the Powers That Be made. It's all wrong. And they'll all be back, life will go back to normal. Fucking normalcy. That's all I ever asked for. A fucking NORMAL life. Hell, even an okay life would be great. But no. No, I'm stuck with this shit. This relatively perfect life, but who honestly care about relativity? "Never judge your grief by the grief of others." Why don't more people see that? And half my life I can't even talk about. I can't talk about my own life. Too many god damned secrets. Tell the world, okay? Don't make me suffer your silence. I will take the weight of the world from your shoulders, anything. But don't make me suffer your silence. Please.

5.28.03 Wednesday. 6:10 PM I can't get any pictures to load. Maybe it's just my computer but I put a picture in and it came up blank. Shucks.
5.27.03 Tuesday. 11:02 PM. Heh, Rae and I hinted to Alex that she's addicted to drugs and then when we said that it was all a joke he wouldn't believe us. It was pretty damn funny. Heehee ::laughs evilly:: He still doesn't believe that it was a joke. lolol :)
5.27.03 Tuesday. 4:11 PM Oh, Shosh liked the pickles.

5.27.03 Tuesday. 3:52 PM I'm going to Emily's tonight to work some more on the Science project. I don't think it's going to work....Blah (bléj, lol rae) who really cares any more?? I certainly don't...no, that's a lie. I guess I do. If I didn't get a good grade on it I'd be pretty pissed. Not to mention that Inna, evil demon of academic success, would kill me slowly and painfully.

So I met Katie on Sunday!! Like, actually said 'hi' to her on the phone!!!! It was terribly exciting. Then I went to a soed chat w/her and I met April. And Kait. It's all so wonderfully wonderful! :) Life is pretty good...


5.26.03 Monday. 11:29 PM Bored. Tired. Doing English outline. Yuck.

5.26.03 Monday. 7:21 PMI'm procrastinating. What else is new? I'm really not wanting to write this stupid English outline. At all. And I am definitely wanting to bake. Mommy made banana bread. Mmm, I smell it...yum!

You know who I love? I love Shoshie. I got her pickles.


Does life really ever go back to
the way it was before
you died?
Is it really as easy as
in the story books?
And they lived happily ever after,
Forever more.
Without them.
That's not the way it is for me.

Is it really supposed to slide
right off your back and land without a splash in
neverever land? It hurts to look
in other people's eyes and see them smile,unafraid.
That's not the way it is for me.

It's so easy to hate people for not understanding what they can't understand. For what they can't help. For not being what they can't be.


Noche serena

 Cuando contemplo el cielo
de innumerables luces adornado,
y miro hacia el suelo,
de noche rodeado,
en sueño y en olvido sepultado,

 el amor y la pena
despiertan en mi pecho un ansia ardiente;
despiden larga vena
los ojos hechos fuente;
la lengua dice al fin con voz doliente:

 «Morada de grandeza,
templo de claridad y de hermosura:
mi alma que a tu alteza
nació, ¿qué desventura
la tiene en esta cárcel, baja, oscura?

 «¿Qué mortal desatino
de la verdad aleja ansí el sentido,
que de tu bien divino
olvidado, perdido,
sigue la vana sombra, el bien fingido?

 «El hombre está entregado
al sueño, de su suerte no cuidando,
y con paso callado
el cielo, vueltas dando,
las horas del vivir le va hurtando.

 «¡Ay!, despertad, mortales!
Mirad con atención en vuestro daño.
¿Las almas inmortales,
hechas a bien tamaño,
podrán vivir de sombra y sólo engaño?

 «¡Ay!, levantad los ojos
a aquella celestial eterna esfera:
burlaréis los antojos
de aquesta lisonjera
vida, con cuanto teme y cuanto espera.

 «¿Es más que un breve punto
el bajo y torpe suelo, comparado
con aquel gran trasunto,
do vive mejorado
lo que es, lo que será, lo que ha pasado?

 «Quien mira el gran concierto
de aquellos resplandores eternales,
su movimiento cierto,
sus pasos desiguales,
y en proporción concorde tan iguales:

 «la luna cómo mueve
la plateada rueda, y va en pos de ella
la luz do el saber llueve,
y la graciosa estrella
de Amor la sigue reluciente y bella;

 «y cómo otro camino
prosigue el sanguinoso Marte airado,
y el Júpiter benino,
de bienes mil cercado,
serena el cielo con su rayo amado.

 Rodéase en la cumbre
Saturno, padre de los siglos de oro;
tras él la muchedumbre
del reluciente coro
su luz va repartiendo y su tesoro.»

 ¿Quién es el que esto mira,
y precia la bajeza de la tierra,
y no gime y suspira
por romper lo que encierra
el alma, y de estos bienes la destierra?

 Aquí vive el contento,
aquí reina la paz; aquí, asentado
en rico y alto asiento
está el Amor sagrado,
de glorias y deleites rodeado.

 Inmensa hermosura
aquí se muestra toda, y resplandece
clarísma luz pura
que jamás anochece:
eterna primavera aquí florece.

 ¡Oh, campos verdaderos!
¡Oh, prados con verdad frescos y amenos!
¡Riquísimos mineros!
¡Oh, deleitosos senos!
¡Repuestos valles, de mil bienes llenos!


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