I Finally Figured It Out
25.05.03

When I dropped out of high school two and a half months ago, I'm not sure exactly why I did it. Part of me wants to believe I did it because I thought I'd be happier working than I was in school, but the other part of me thinks I did it because I just wanted to say "Fuck you, everyone!" to all those people who acted like my life was something they had a say in. I'm pretty sure it was the latter and I've just been telling myself it was to make myself happier.

I'm smart, I know that, big freaking deal. So what if I'm smart if I'm never going to do anything with my brains. I'm not a leader, I don't take charge of anything easily and I didn't have any plans of doing anything with my life while I was in school. The only real decision I ever made concerning myself in my entire life was to go back to eleventh grade. But even then Mum acted like it was all her idea and she was going it for me and supporting me even though when I talked to her about it she said she would talk it over with my father and then make the arrangements. In the entire two months of school holidays she did not say a word, because she figured if she ignored it I wouldn't say anything else and I'd go on to twelfth grade like she wanted me to.

Going back to eleventh grade was different to what I expected. When I wasn't in the same grade as my 'friends' and they couldn't get me to do their assignments anymore, they basically stopped talking to me altogether, except for Rain, but that's a story for another time. Being ignored by all my friends was painful. Incredibly painful. I knew most of them didn't like me and rarely talked to me, but they had never shouldered me out altogether. The worst part is, the one I've had the most contact with since leaving school claims that she made constant efforts to include me. Bull-fucking-shit Blue. You only ever make an effort on my part when you want something.

But here I am, a full time worker now. I'm a kitchen-hand, I'm lazy and get away with it, it's a long commute and occasionally I have a good time at work. But suddenly I'm unhappy again, and I think I've finally figured out why. Dropping out was a change, it gave me something new and allowed me to ignore the shack I'm forced to live in and the demons I have to call family for a time. But now the thrill is over and its just my routine and I'm unhappy again. The only difference is, I finally see what has been making me unhappy for all this time.

I have been trying to find a way to leave my home so I never have to see them again, but I've yet to find any workable possibilities. I can't afford to rent a house or apartment on my own and I don't trust anyone to move out with me, or share houses, which means I'm stuck here. I thought for awhile that if I could just make it as a novelist, I'd have the money to leave home, but that's not going to happen. I sat down tonight and tried to write the novel that was playing in my head and I got nothing.

So, I'm not going to be a writer, I'm not going to move out on my current salary, I can't get another job because I don't have the qualifications and I can't get a second job because I don't have the time. I'm beginning to think I should go back and finish high school and then go to university and put my big brain to some use. I don't want to make a difference in the world, I just want to have the money to run far, far away from this house and never have to look back. The sooner, the better.

-Raven Dreamer