Vans...?
Vans...?
Lately, Pitt students have been noticing something a bit intriguing and disturbing as
of late. And, no, it is not the crazy sandwich lady from Eddies deli. It is the
unannounced appearance of unmarked white vans. Lot's of them.
"I just avoid them altogether," remarked Pitt student Dema. "Even if it does take me
20 extra minutes to get to class."
A few rumors have been flying around. Some have speculated that the vans are used to
ship unpopular celebrites out of town, unharmed. The celebrity would get in one van,
and other identical doubles would get into the other vans, then they'd all pull out at
the same time. Former Steelers QB, Kordell Stewart and former Pitt coach, Ben Howland
are believed to have used this technique. Others state the vans represent a new gang
in Oakland. A few incoherent idiots claimed the vans reminded them of their beloved
'shitbox'.
But the Pitt Skews has dug up the truth on these mysterious vans.
"They're kidnapping vans" replied Mark Wudd. "We invent, design and manufacture
products that make the kidnapping of kids much more efficent for the criminal" remarked
Wudd. Mark is in charge of the kidnapping vans department, at Kidnappers Inc. "I've
been in love with these types of vans ever since I was a child and kidnapped by a dirty
mexican named Sanchez. I really came to admire the craftmanship that goes into a
properly designed kidnapping van."
We've all seen these vans around. They are usually old, run down vans that have no
windows whatsoever and no hubcaps. They are all rusted out and rundown and whatnot.
"Yes, those were the older 'models', so to speak" said Mark. "We are bringing in a
whole new kind of kidnapping generation with these puppies, the NapMaster19." I must
admit, after I took the NapMaster19 for a testdrive (AKA was bound, blindfolded and
thrown in the back of the van), I found the ride to be very smooth and only a tad
unpleasant.
The most noticable addition to the newer models are the windows. "We felt as though the
windows would be a nice, 19th century touch to the van. Of course the windows are jet
black though" Wudd remarked. He went on to explain their sleeker design and actual
hubcaps. Mark even went so far as to let us in on a little secret...look for some
22 inch rims in future models.
Whatever the future holds for Kidnappers Inc., at least Pitt students may now rest at
ease knowing that those white vans are only used to kidnap innocent little children.
--Teve
The NapMaster19's lined up.
