Flyers fan "checked" into hospital
Flyers fan "checked" into hospital
A Philadelphia native was hospitalized with a broken nose, three broken ribs, and multiple head injuries following an assault downtown earlier this week. Marty F. Hauser, a student at Robert Morris College was walking down Grant Street around 11 A.M. Monday morning when he taunted a man wearing a number 23 Penguins jersey walking on the opposite side of the street. Hauser, who was described by friends as an avid Flyers fan, heckled the man and the player whose jersey he was wearing. "McKenna? Who the hell is that?" Hauser was reported have said to the man. However, if Hauser had known who he was heckling, he probably would have reconsidered.
Unbeknowst to Hauser, the man wearing the Penguins jersey was, in fact, Steve McKenna himself, the 255 pound Penguins forward who is known throughout the NHL for his bruising checks and his knack for kicking ass on the ice. McKenna, following the verbal attack, proceeded to cross traffic, run down Hauser (he had fled at the site of McKenna coming towards him), and pummel the hell out of the man.
Hauser apparently layed unconscious for five hours in broad daylight before waking up and admitting himself into the hospital. One witness admits to have seen the assault, and when asked why he declined to help the man, he replied, as if it were obvious, "He's a Flyers fan." Similar reactions were given by several other witnesses.
Pittsburgh police were questioned both Hauser and McKenna, as well as witnesses, and concluded that no charges were to be filed. "Due to the nature of the situation and the fact that the victim was from Philadelphia, we saw no reason to prosecute Mr. McKenna or any other person that may have been involved in the beating," said Pittsburgh Chief of Police Robert W. McNeilly Jr. He went on to say that "Mr. Hauser probably deserved it" and that he "actually encourages further beatings of this kind."
When questioned, a spokesperson for the Pittsburgh Penguins said only "Dooby Dooby Doo."
Steve McKenna answered questions at a press conference on Wednesday and explained the situation. "Normally, I wouldn't go after a piece of shit like that for yelling something at me, but I saw the Flyers jersey and thought it was John Leclair, so I thought to myself 'Hey, easy fight' because everyone knows that John LeClair is a pussy."
Hauser is currently in serious, but stable condition and declined any comment to the Pitt Skews. He is expected to make a full recovery, other than the pre-existing mental condition that causes him to like teams from Philadelphia and Penn State. Pending release from the hospital, Hauser will be cited for verbal abuse and obstructing a city walkway.
-Scotka
Steve Mckenna, looking like the house that he so righteously is
