Ramesh, Professional Swiper
Ramesh, Professional Swiper
We all know him as "that guy who swipes our cards, fast". But he is much more than that. Ramesh came from a humble beginning. As a small boy, his
father would insist that he milked the family cows for a minimum of 16.5 hrs. before he would recieve an egg, animal crackers and some mustard for dinner.
"Bbbah, I did not like that food. The animal crackers were stale for pete sakes!!", proclaimed Ramesh vehemently.
The townsfolk saw his fast milking abilites, and refered to him as "that boy who milks quick".
Growing sick of his fathers treatment and demented sense of grand tasting food, Ramesh set out on his own. He traveled
lightly, only carrying an oak stick he found on the road. "It was a very pretty color and had a few ants on it
that I named.", he explained.
One day on his journey, he stopped outside a cinema, and saw a movie poster of "The Tuxedo" and ripped
it up in a fit of rage. "Da Jackie Chen, spooky guy, I had bad dreem of him." One of those annoying
pimple-popping movie employees saw this and reported it immeditaly to the manager.
After much traveling and desperation, Ramesh finally found a place to utilize his talents. Ramesh said,"Well, I only had
one really good talent. The talent was my fast right hand. It was fast from milking cows wee-wee's."
The savy movie manager was quick to employ Ramesh as "that guy who rips our ticket stubs fast". He continued
to get faster and faster. "He was the fastest ripper we've ever encountered. But not much talk of him
around here, since the incident..." remarked Fred Becker, movie manager. One sad afternoon, lil bethy
was so excited to watch the Lion King. She handed Ramesh her ticket, saying, "Here ya go Mister Movie Man!!"
Ramesh reportedly grabbed her hand, and ripped it off. He was fired shortly thereafter.
Ramesh had no idea where to go now. After delivering pizza for 2 weeks in the Pittsburgh area, he made a delivery
to the Litchfield Towers. While waiting to get the money, he saw students entering their dorm lobby by
swiping their Pitt ID's. "His eyes got wider than china dishes" proclaimed Jamesse, security guard of
Tower B. Ramesh had finally found his calling. After filling out a Food Service Employee Form for the
University of Pittsburgh. The form included that the applicant print his first name, give their S.S. number
and write their age. Ramesh, sure enough, got the job. He requested to be put out front, to swipe cards.
Since this time, he has gained much respect from the student population. "Students are great! They try
and trip me up, but I just swipe and say 'Thank you' very fast, the fastest! Football games are fun."
His average S.T. (swipe time, time it takes for card to be taken from you, and given back) is .87 seconds.
"You will not find a happier Ramesh within a 10 km radius", claims Ramesh. No Ramesh, we won't. So we
salute you Ramesh, "that guy who swipes our cards, fast".
There is a fan club, called "We Love Remash!!". To join, simply send $5.75 in cash or money order to...
We Love Remash Fan Club
152 IamTotallyBullShittingYou Ave.
Fake City, B.S., 11111
- Teve
Photographer Liz studies Ramesh hard at work
