Is Something in the water??
Is Something in the water??
For years, Western Pennsylvania has been known as a breeding ground for raw football talent. Many great former, and current, football players have been brought up in the area around Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A few names that grew up in close proximity to the Steel City are quarterback greats such as Johnny Unitas, Dan Marino, and Jim Kelly. This freak blossom of talent in the area is by no means restricted to football. Arnold Palmer, Ken Griffey Jr., and Bill Brasky all hail from the renowned region. There is even reports that the soccer superstar Pele spent a considerable amount of time in the region during the 1960's. Coincidence? It's highly unlikely. This inexplicable phenomenon often raises the question: "Is there something in the water in Western Pennsylvania?"
Well, folks, according to recent studies done by Kenneth D. Jordan, chairperson of the Chemistry Department at the University of Pittsburgh, there actually IS. Samples taken from various water sources throughout Western Pennsylvania have shown to contain unusually large amounts of zinc magnesium aspartate, a commonly known natural performance enhancer which could substantially benefit a dedicated athlete training to excel at any sport. The abundance of this specific chemical in the local water supply is a mystery to most officials.
"This could be an odd side effect of industrial dumping into water supplies," Jordan says. "Zinc magnesium has been used in the production of steel for years."
Not everyone has such a complicated view on the issue however. The Head of the Chemistry Department at Penn State University, Andrew Ewing, had a much different hypothesis on the mystery.
"I think what we're looking at here in the Western Pennsylvania water supply is a case of the zinc magnesium aspartate fairy," he explained. "This particular fairy is not uncommon and late at night sprinkles magic little zinc magnesium aspartate dust into the water supply of good little boys and girls. Why she chooses the Pittsburgh region I have no clue, however."
Mr. Ewing continued, claiming that this "zinc magnesium aspartate fairy" is closely related to the "sugar plum fairy" and "the fairy that lives inside my box of Pop-Tarts and frosts them for me every morning." Background checks are pending on Mr. Ewing and his mental history.
In a related story, just hours after the announcement of the natural performance enhancers showing up in Western Pennsylvania water, there was a security breach at the Shaler Water Treatment Plant just outside Pittsburgh. Timothy M. Curley was arraigned on charges that he tried to steal a considerable amount of water from the plant. Curley, who incidentally is the Athletic Director at Penn State University, was attempting to transport the water in several hundred milk jugs placed in the back of his station wagon. When questioned on his motives, Curley simply muttered something about being "willing to try anything to add talent to that lousy team." Curley, obviously, was referring to every team that represents the Nittany Lions, but more specifically the football team.
This new report is great news for the future of Western Pennsylvania sports. More than likely it will continue it's athletic dominance over the rest of the state, especially in football.
GO PITT
-Scotka
