Beaver, the man, the myth, the legend
Beaver, the man, the myth, the legend
Back in 1981, a baby came forth into our strange, chaotic world. However, this was no ordanary babe.
His birth name was Christopher Slovick, his humble home located in south Butler, from a quant town known as
Saxonburg. He would single handedly revoultionize our small ball of mud that we call Earth.
As Chris grew, his loving parents began to notice unusual and special talents that their very
own son possessed. Most children's first words are something to the affect of, "Mama" or "Dada".
Chris's first words were reported to have been, "Lou Saban was Denver Broncos head coach from 1967-1971.
He was 20-42-3 overall, and never took Denver to the playoffs." His parents, astounded at his already
vast knowledge of football trivia, asked him to repeat what he just said. "Bert Bell was the NFL
Commissioner from 1946-1959", remarked Chris. Chris was unique in that he never played 'catch' with his father,
but yet 'fetch'. Mr. Slovick would throw him the football, and Chris would miss it, and chase after it awkwardly.
Whenever his mother was cooking, she'd ask him to get the flour. Chris would sprint full speed towards
the flour, grab it, in the process of sprinting back to his mother, he'd take off his hat, and deliver the flour
with a large smile. This would take him, on average, about 12 seconds. When he was 8 years of age, he came upon a robin, that had acquired
a broken leg. Chris left it, but lovingly returned in record time with an Ice Pak.
Advancing a few years, we find Chris in 7th grade, enrolled at Knoch. He is move along nicely, until one day, Kris Warheit
challenges Chris. This was no ordinary challenge for any ordinary boy. This was a Triple-Dog-Dare, intended
for none other than Chris Solvick. Chris, never one to back down, took the dare, whole-heartedly. The dare was this,
Chris had to eat 10 pencils within 5 minutes. As Kris started his stop watch, Chris shot a sly smile his way, and
went to town. There was just wood chippings flying this way and that, until at +3:49.27, Chris sat in a pile of
wood shavings, appearing sick and breathing heavily, but victorious none-the-less. The gathered crowd rejoiced
at this young mans courage, will and stupidity. They lovingly dubbed him "Beaver" for the daunting task he had
completed, and Chris embraced this name with all his being. With such a feat, and such a name, fame followed.
Beaver was asked repeatedly to replicate his famous feat, and did so for his fans. His life started to follow the
path of a downward spiral. Eventually, one could find him bingeing on Rasinets, Techno Super Bowl and any FIFA Soccer game.
He would insanly babble on and on about, "The Browns are the best professional football team...I live for PSU football...",
and so on. These comments seriously troubled Mr. and Mrs. Slovick, as they would to any parents in the realm of sanity.
His parents were about to send him to Military school, until Beaver met his savior. Mr. Giest, simply known to the
students as "Giest" was Knoch's highly esteemed sports trainer. Giest was so good, he had his own golf cart. Beaver began to form an unbreakable bond with Giest, and
spent much time with his mentor. They could always be found cruising along in the pimped out golf cart, Beaver in shotgun, supplies in the
back. Dave Braco, Knoch's Athletic Director, stated, "They are exactly like Batman and Robin, always there in a pinch when you need
some athletic tape.....Only without all the nifty gadgets, and their golf cart really doesn't resemble the Batmobile, and Beaver
is a bit to 'chunky' to be Robin..." At Knoch's high school football games, he could be seen running up and down the sidelines constantly.
Players coming off the field after a nice play, would get head-butted hard, by a helmet less Beaver. He still holds the record at Knoch
for getting the water bottles out to the huddle. Friend Chris "The Warden" admits, "he would slide in the mud to keep the students entertained while the band was leaving
the field and the teams were returning. He's timeless, really".
After his high school career was finished, Beaver moved onto the University of Pittsburgh, and somehow got his foot in the door
with the football program here at Pitt. "He just wouldn't leave me alone, and he kept chewing my pencils all up, so I hired him", explained
Coach Harris. Anytime Pitt has a touchdown, you'll be sure to see Beaver in the background of the end zone, celebrating uncontrolablely.
His best known talent here at the university is that of retrieving the kick-off tee. He is simply one of the fastest around these days
at getting that thing off the field", proclaimed Hayes. Beaver always retrieves it to the sounds of the student section chanting the word,
'go, go, go, go...'.
Word on the street is that this is Beaver's last year here at Pitt. We here at the Pitt Skews received information that scouts from
the Colts, the Chargers and the Cardinals have already sent scouts out to observe this mastermind, known as Beaver, hard at work.
Unreliable sources even claim that the Colts are thinking about using their 3rd round pick next year to draft Beaver. "He's just the best
at what he does", says Colt's scouter, Ray Schmick,"and we want simply the best for our team to be as competitive as possible."
The Pitt Skews wishes Beaver great luck on all the future has to hold for him. Or, good luck to the future on all that Beaver holds
for it...
-Teve
Beaver in action, doing what he does best.
