Today around 4:33 pm EST, a certain Pitt student went bezerk.
For no apparent reason, an ecstatic young woman jumped out of her pig-mobile on Bigelow Blvd.,
and fled the scene of the crime. She was seen sprinting through the Schenley Quads, past The O and
ducked down Oakland Ave. No trace of her could be found after that.
The savvy Pitt Police were fast to appear on the scene, where they proceeded with extreme
caution. They were under the direction of their top-notch chief commander, Mr. Fife. Specially
trained bomb-sniffing canines were brought in. The canines found nothing, but for some reason
continuingly sniffed the behind of the pig-mobile. Eventually, the pig-mobile was towed and is
currently at a local police impound.
Mr. Fife was absolutely perplexed. I caught up with him and asked, "What's this all about?"
He proclaimed, "Who does this? No one drives pigs? Who drives a pig? I mean, it's a car. It's
a pig. Who transforms a car, into a pig?!?!?! It's just a dumb move!! Gad-Zooks!!" I left after
that.
After an intensive investigation, the Pitt Police trace the whole incident to Ralph Nadar.
We tracked down Mr. Nadar, and could only extract this statement: "I like to play jacks with eye-
lashes of Bolivian decent. Other than that, I have no comment."
Civilians were warned by the authorities to "keep an eye out for copy-cat crimes" that could
potentially occur. "We don't need any more piggies down here", Mr. Fife remarked jovially.
- Teve
Our own top-notch photographer, P. Parker, caught the perpetrator in action
