Forget the Olson twins...We've got John!!
Forget the Olson twins...We've got John!!
He conquered the forests of Oregon. He kicked ass in the jungles of Vietnam. What's
left to tackle for the killing machine that is John
Rambo you ask? The answer is simple:
The streets of Oakland.
Yes, that is correct, John Rambo has enrolled at the pretigious University of Pittsburgh, a move that has baffled many of his friends and enemies alike. Considered as mentally unstable in the past, it is thought that perhaps maybe for the first time in his life he has made a rational decision. The search for relations to this enigma of a man was hard, as most of them are dead, but his old war buddy Colonel Trautman was of some help.
"My guess is that he has gotten fed up with killing," Trautman claims. "You never know when he could snap again though. It's not like a light switch you can just turn off and on."
It is this kind of possibility that has the local Pitt policemen worried. Rambo has taken to the forests of Schenley Park, building a small makeshift shack for himself and sustaining himself mostly on pigeon meat.
"So far he hasn't disturbed much," claimed Pitt police chief Tim Delaney. "He roughed up a few frisbee golf players a few weeks ago, but what're we gonna do? It's frickin Rambo. He could throw a rock and take out like four of us. So we decided to just leave him be for now."
The only way I could get the bottom of this is to call the man himself, so I dialed his number one night and here's what transpired:
John Rambo(JR): Hello?
The Pitt Skews(TPS): Hello is this John Rambo?
JR: Uhh, yeah.
TPS: I'm doing a story, I'd like to interview you.
JR: IT'S 4:30 IN THE MORNING!
TPS: Oh.
JR: (expletive) *click*
So it shall remain a mystery for now, but one must ask themselves: Why all the mystery? Why choose to come to the University of Pittsburgh, and why for General Management? Perhaps it will all make sense some day, but then again maybe he'll just kill us all.
- Scotka
Rambo, after Pitts loss to Marquette in the NCAA Tournament.
