Pissed Beyond Belief

Yeah im super pissed today. i get online and i read that Jen.....the ex.....had a crush on this guy Brian from our pool league. and i was wondering the whole time why she never talked to me and why things weren't working out. how can things work between us if she has the same feelings for another guy. and to ignore me to talk to him when shes supposed to be my girlfriend.....thats such bullshit. the whole time we were together we barely talked and she bitched about that all the time but it was her that never talked.....to me at least. she was too busy flirting and falling in love with Brian rather than being with the her bf. so when i read that i got pissed and did some stuff with my online names.....saw her on and got even more mad and put my hand through my door. so now not only am i hurt emotionally.....by my hands broke a couple times.....all over a girl that now i dont know if she ever loved me to begin with. i am so confused and hurt right now that i can barely see my eyes are so watered up. and i rarely really cry.....i'll get upset but crying is just not allowed really. but right now i feel so shitty to think that she never wanted me.....she wanted Brian the whole fucking time. and why didnt i see it coming? she was always talking about him.....ignoring me to chat with him or help him with his pool league.....making dolls and all this shit. i shoulda seen it coming but i loved her and was blinded by that so i couldnt see the truth. thats what pisses me off more than anything.....i knew she liked him.....in the back of my mind i knew she liked the guy but i didnt see it coming. i never thought that she liked him more than me or nothing.....i knew they was friends but to have a crush on him while she was with me?.....never saw that coming one bit. i still love her and i want her to know that.....but i cant say it cause it makes her uncomfortable. like it doesnt make me a little wierd feeling when we're online and shes not talking and saying she's had crushes on other guys.....while me and her were together. that hurts way worse than us breaking up or anything. the simple fact that i wasnt enough for her just pisses me off and makes me feel like ima horrible person thats never gonna be happy. and i dont know what the hell is going on.....my fiance butt-fucks my cousin and i got over it in like 2 days.....jen says she has a crush on some other guy while me and her were together and i cant handle that. what is wrong with me?????????? why is it that i care so much about this girl that ive never met and barely know? why is it that she can hurt me worse than anyone in my family or that ive dated before.....but i still love her!??? why cant i just get over her and move on.....find another girl and forget about ever being with Jen in the first place? i know ive gotta move on cause she dont love me anymore but i cant.....i cant move on cause i love her so much.....but i cant even tell her. why do i feel this way about her an no one else.....how can she be with me.....and meet with her ex.....and have a crush on another guy at the same time? i cant do that.....i can barely talk to other people without thinking of her or wondering what the hell went wrong. i cant do it.....for some reason i cant let her go.....i should block her.....end the pain.....never have to bother with hearing from her and not be hurt. but ive tried.....i bring her up on my list.....highlight block.....but i just cant bring myself to do it. i cant give up on her cause i love her so much. but she dont love me the same way.....she wants Brian. so i guess i'll just have to live with the pain for a while. life blows!!!!!