Like Pinochio, I traveled back to school.. except unlike him, I did not stray.. unfortunately. I have class tomorrow... starting at 9..doh! Anyway, Yeah.. I went home for the weekened and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it. I miss home. I feel better at home lately. I mean, I like it here..but home is looking better to me right now. It's not even because of my friends.. its just my house.. my property, my car.. It's just nice to be there. I did have a crush on a certain someone who still resides in Killingly but I have decided to stop pursing. My mother is very wise and she had me see the light. As I layed down on the Living Room floor with tears rolled sideways down my face, I realized that "enough is enough and its time for a change." I realized the uselessness in my efforts. It was a sad realization... I didn't want to admit it....but I finally did. I have been having pretty low self esteem lately which is... stupid of me I know. I watched Shallow Hal with my mom last night. And I felt like Rosemary.. I felt like this ugly thing that guys just don't want to date. And at the end, I felt jealous because she found someone who loved her and thought she was beautiful. I told my mother, "I might as well be a fat person like Rosemary." I might as well be ugly or unatractive because I am not a "babe magnet" I hardly get boyfriends, not many guys like me... so.. whats the use of wasting this face? I might as well be pimply, greasy, big nosed, ugly girl. I mean, I don't think I'm beautiful or gorgeous.. I think I'm just... plain.. not ugly and not beautiful either. But maybe some other girl can benefit with my face and body than me. Who wants a Straightedge Virgin anyway? NO ONE! Being those two combined is like being in a minority... I might as well be an alien. And why do I have to save everyone? Sometimes, people just dont want to be saved. And all I can do is sit there and watch them fall head first into the pavement. Then I have to cry for them. I know you're thinking-- No, you don't have to cry for them..... Yes... I do... and if you don't understand why then you don't know me as well as you should. I had a conversation with Wakana today that really touched me. I was thinking.. what would happen if the US and Japan fought against each other again? My heart sank. I could not imagine me and Wakana during World War II. I would be torn to see my family fight hers. It's disturbing thoughts and I just hope it never happens. Being friends with Wakana has made Japan closer to home for me. I connect more with Japan than before. I am now in a personal mode. It is not just some Asian country far away anymore. It's so much more than that. Okay.. I'm in an art school. Yes, I have to academic classes and they assign readings and papers. That's cool cause thats the norm. However, now my art classes are assigning readings and papers! WHAT THE HECK! It's an art class! I mean, yes I like to learn as much as I can but this is leaving me less time to make actual art. And what am I going to do at my review board? "sorry, I only have 3 art pieces because I read and wrote papers all semester" That isn't going to fly. ERRRR.....Art classes should be just art... strictly artwork! Leave the papers and reading assignments to the academics. Did I rant enough? hahaha... I know.. It's been a rough weekend mentally for me. Working with html code jibberish doesn't help! hahaha.. Well, I got homework and sleep to be doing.. outtie-
-Lexsusan
