I haven't written in awhile partly because I've been busy and partly because I haven't felt like it. Alot has been on my mind... (HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARM!!*)
For starters, I got freaked out some night when I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like an adult. I lost my childhood... I'm old now. It saddened me....
Another, i dont have much faith in male relationships anymore.... i actually am fearing them.... i dont want to get close. i wish to god i had a boyfriend like landon on a walk to remember... i saw that movie today.. i cried like a baby watching it.. .it was so perfect.... over the winter break.. a part of me felt like i had to have a tumor and the other part of me didnt...i wanted to go back to school so i didnt want a tumor but... it felt like i might as well die from a tumor or something.. it felt like it could have been my time to die and the girl from a walk to remember dies from cancer... no i dont want to die.. this is different.. it felt like it could have been my time.. but apparently it wasnt, so I'm trucking along.... if they were to say I was going to die.. i would have been scared.. but i would have felt ready. i guess now i'm just waiting to witness a miracle..
I went through an emotional breakdown today.. but i have justification. I have been highly stressed out, I'm having hormonal fluxations....and the events of today...plus i'm just sensitive in general. It's really quite embarrassing but impossible to stop. A girl came into the room to ask something and she saw my box of tissues and my eyes red.. she thought like I had just boy trouble.. I told her not to worry and to ignore it... I mean.. thats only a part of it
Doc and I are near non existent... It's sad... but I guess it has to be that way.. .I tried my best.. I really did.. but I didn't fit his demands.. I only made him worse, which was not intented... but he didn't have to say FU to me....It took alot to not cry about it.... because most of you know how I feel about swears in general let alone being sworn at!
I wish I was someone else. "I wanna be somebody else" -Pink. I wish I could be more likeable... I wish.. I wish I was nice and always happy. I wish I didn't cry over spilt milk. I just wish I could be someone else. I am thankful for my life. I go to a great school, I have a wonderful house, family, i can read.. I eat everyday... I have a place to sleep in... but I am not thankful for myself... or I'm not thankful for some of my relationships with people.
I wish I had faith in a god.... I wish I had someone to look down on me. Someone to watch over me... but my ideal god would not be so non-existant like the so called god that people worship now. He's too distant... he's never around... and i would never have my god let innocent people die.... but my god doesn't exist... though I wish he did.... I'm sick of being so alone.
I wish we lived in trees like the elves in lord of the rings.. I would love to live in that environment.. I think the earth would benefit better.
I question sometimes about my friends up here in Boston.. Sometimes I wonder if they still like me.....
Yes, I'm going through a slump....with not much of an army to back me up here.... but i dont want anyone's help but my mother... my mother is the ONLY ONLY ONLY person I can really count on. Hence, she's my best friend.
Sometimes I think that I'm not living the life I'm suppose to live.. for some odd reason.. it feels like I'm missing out on something... that this pre-determined world I must live in is hindering some wild spirit in me.... I dunno...
I saw this school called The Academy of Arts College in Cali in a magazine at the library. I think I may want to go there for my MFA because it does major stuff in graphic design and computer animation. I think I may like california.... I'll never know unless I find out.
I wish for the knowledge of truth, and I wish the strength to endure it.
I'm waiting for a miracle...
-Down in the Dumps Lex
