Have you ever thought about what life would be like when you meet that special someone....when one person alone can make everything right in the world...when one person alone can make your heart skip a beat and make you feel like your falling a hundred miles an hour? Or wondered what life would be like when that special someone came into your life to take away all the loneliness you've ever felt? well I’ve wondered...I’ve wondered about it forever....ever since I heard my first love story I starting searching for you...not knowing what I was looking for until I found it..... until I found you...and now I wonder how it feels to be lonely...how it feels to have no one there for you...these are feelings I haven't felt in so long I’m a stranger to them...I can't even think of them without thinking how you came and took them away from me...and for that I thank you...I’ll never be able to thank you enough...ever...never be able to tell you how much I love you...or how much I need you to stay by my side…and because I can’t tell you I get frustrated at myself…I can’t seem to figure out a way to tell you….to put on a scale of how much I love you…there’s no number that can count it…no height that can reach it…no depth that’s deeper that it…nothing that will ever surpass my love.
I’ll never understand…how there’s 6 billion people in the world. Yet one can make me so angry, so depressed, and can build up so much hatred inside of me. And yet another can make everything perfect. It ceases to amaze me. The theory of this…we know as love. On both aspects…of both people…yes it’s still love. Scott, someone that can make so much anger builds up inside I feel as if I’m going to explode. And yet Lindsey makes me so happy I feel like nothing can ever be wrong in the world. And it amazes me that both of these are love. Both of these feelings are cause by the love, so different, I feel for both of these people. It will never stop amazing me. Ever.
The feelings I have I just can’t explain…I feel like my world is falling apart, but everything I need is here. My life is virtually perfect. I just can’t contribute these feeling to anything except one thing. Losing the only person that would never leave me. How ironic is that? I don’t understand why lately this has been a problem. Before this week I’ve been fine. I haven’t thought about it I guess. The only person I want to be here that’s not here, makes me so angry he’ll never know the depth of it. The only thing I have left now is my angel. She’s the only person that knows me and still loves me without strings attached. She doesn’t live 800 miles away. She doesn’t try to screw me over to get her way. She doesn’t try to find ways to make me hurt deep down. She’s the person that I can hold and not worry about her holding grudges. I can kiss her and not worry about who she’s thinking about. I can love her without worrying if she’s in love with another. I can get lost in her heart and not worry whether or not she’s getting lost in someone else’s. She’s the only thing I have. The only thing I have left to hold on to. I’m still trying to figure out how she makes the world perfect without even trying. It still amazes me.
I don’t understand. How does someone being there for you make things better? Just simply being there next to you. Helping you through problems when they don’t even know they are. Torrie has that effect; she doesn’t make things right. But she does make them easier to deal with. It’s amazing how people can do that. I’ll never seem to understand it. Or how thinking about something…I mean actually sitting down and thinking can make you more confused. It’s astonishing how that happens. I sat to think today about my life as it stands right now…and now I have no idea where I’m going. I’m even more worried about whether my angel will be with me through all of it, even though I don’t know what it is. I love her more than I’ll ever be able to show her…and that was a major point of thinking tonight. The only way I’ll ever be able to show her I love her…is to marry her. And that’s not happening. Not now anyways. J One last thing I’ll never figure out is how talking to someone can confuse someone but when your not talking to them everything’s fine. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to figure that out either…but that’s not a life threatening topic to figure out.
Bad days seem to be coming a lot lately. I don’t understand it at all. I don’t think I did anything to deserve any of this but I guess God thought I did. These days make me wonder sometimes if I’ve been doing something wrong…or if I’m not doing something at all. The only thing that keeps a smile on my face is thinking, or being with, my angel. She seems to have that effect. It’s funny how that works. These past few days have been very rough. I think I’ve been thinking about Scott too much. It’s not going to help at all. But I really don’t have a choice. At least I can say I’ve been trying to stay on top of school. I’ve also been worried about my mom lately. I don’t know why but she’s been in pain a lot lately and I don’t like that. I don’t know what I would do if I lost her or Lindsey. It seems like I’m resting so much on two people but I have no choice. Torrie is starting to be another person I can lean on but I haven’t really had the chance for her to prove it. She’s my best friend in the world though. I know it bothers Lindsey when I hang out with her a lot. But I wouldn’t give up the days we’ve had for anything. She’s helped me through so many problems, it’s not even funny. So I guess I have leaned on her…so that’s three people. Three people holding up one person and I still feel like I need Scott. Someone explain that to me please.
I’ll never be able to explain how she does it. Lindsey has this power over me where she can make me smile anytime she’s near or even just hearing her voice. Yesterday both of us came to the same conclusion. We both decided a while ago that marriage wasn’t an option in the whole waiting for sex thing. So both of us decided on prom. Proms the day every teenager has set in their mind whether they’re waiting or not. So Lindsey and I both decided on prom. Yesterday both of us realized that proms not even an option anymore. I love her more than I’ll ever be able to write here in this journal. And I think she knows this. I know she loves me as well but I wish for only one thing. I wish she could promise me we’re going to be together forever. Forever and a day. I know that’s not possible because anything can happen. But I can still wish it was possible right? I will never tell her I’ll be with her forever. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I still have some worries about us having sex. One being the whole pregnancy thing. Of course that’s always a concern for anyone having sex. I also fear the stress that I’ve been told it brings. I honestly believe we can make it through the stress but it’s not only me that has to make it. It’s also her. I’ve been told that the stress it brings is extremely hard to get through. But Lindsey and I can get through it. I know for a fact we can. The final thing I fear is if something happened where her parents found out. Or my mom found out, I wouldn’t be able to see her ever again. I couldn’t deal with that at all. I’m like addicted to her now. Just holding her is enough for me. I can’t explain the feeling I get when she’s not there. It feels like a part of me is slowly dying and the only medicine is her touch. It’s the craziest feeling in the world. I never had this feeling with Gina or Chelsea. That’s why sometimes I wonder how in the world I stayed with them for so long when the person I was really looking for was right here. Lindsey may not be the perfect person I know…but she’s the perfect person for me. And that’s all I care about. (And she’s pretty damn close to perfect).
Some day’s I’ll never be able to explain the feeling I get when I think of Lindsey. The wanting to see her or wanting to talk to her seems to get worse with everyday that goes by that I don’t see her. It feels as if I’m in one of the trashy novels that Lindsey reads. Today was the worst. I longed to see her more than any other day. And it wasn’t the normal feeling either. It seemed different. Felt different. I felt if I didn’t see her than I would lose her forever. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’ve forgotten something but you can’t remember what. I felt that. I felt as if breathing was a task. As if I had to tell myself to make my heart beat. I can’t explain that feeling. The feeling I felt today. I’ve never felt it for anyone or anything. And I don’t think I will ever feel it for anyone or anything besides Lindsey. She has done so much to me that there is no way I would give her up. She seems to be the only thing holding me together lately. Torrie kind of went her own way and I felt like I was alone. Again. And the second I thought that thought, Lindsey called. I’ll never be able to explain how God does that. How he can put the perfect person in your life and make you feel everything is wrong and finally, when that perfect person comes, everything is right again. Torrie seemed to be that person. The person that was just there, not really doing much of anything except for listening but that’s all I really needed. Is someone to listen. Lindsey would listen to me if I needed to talk to her for hours on end. But usually she’s the only person besides my mom that makes me angry enough to need to talk to someone. So 50% of the time I can’t go to her because my problem is her. I know that sounds really bad but that’s how it is. Today I really thought about us. Not just about tomorrow or this coming weekend. Not about this winter or what we’re going to do this summer. I thought about later. When we’re both forming our lives; both shaping our adult lives. I’ve never really thought about later down the road. Until today. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone other than her. She’s the only person I have ever been able to say confidently that we have more than 70% chance of making it until death due us part. It’s the one thing I’ve dreamed of since I was a boy; marrying my high school sweetheart. If there was for some reason a chance of me marrying her right now, I would take it. I wouldn’t think twice or falter in my decision. I would just do it. Right now that’s not even a thought on her mind. There’s no way she’s thinking about the same things I’m thinking about. I don’t think she has any idea what I think of when I say forever. I don’t mean the forever in high school. Or the forever in college. I mean the forever in terms of no end. Forever as in eternity. It’s the same thought every time. For the past 2 weeks I’ve had the same dream over and over. Lindsey and I are finally getting married and when we get to the “I do’s” she says she’s not quite ready for a relationship. Every night I wake up with the same reaction. Tears in my eyes and her being the overriding thought on my mind. I can’t go back to sleep, thinking she might leave if I sleep. I can’t do anything. I can’t call her. It’s usually about 3 or 4 in the morning. It’s just one of those paranoid things I’m sure and I dare not say anything to her about it until she reads this. It’s just something I’ll have to deal with until we actually get to the “I dos” and she says “I do” and not “I’m not ready for a relationship”.
Well I’ve decided today to let Lindsey read all of this. And any other time she wants. I really can’t believe that I’m letting her because no one has ever read my journal before. Sometimes I think about how things have changed just in the past month between us. We can talk about anything…and I really do mean anything. We also don’t worry about the little things. Lindsey and I have a relationship like no other. It’s perfect yet it should never work. Lindsey and I can talk about anything…we never fight, but we do have our disagreements. But the other aspect is the fact that she and I don’t try…we never try to make this relationship work…it just does. It’s kind of funny because Gina and I had to work so hard and yet Lindsey and I just let things happen. It’s just kind of ironic
How things worked out. The way Lindsey and I flirted and how we’re together now. No one else may see it but I do…and I think it’s funny. I honestly don’t think Lindsey has any idea how much I really love her. But that’s ok because I honestly don’t think I know how much she loves me. So I guess we’re even. Today I thought about her (all day) (nothing new though) and I’ll never figure out how but the second I started thinking about her the picture I have of her in my truck blew up and into my lap. That was probably the sweetest thing that’s ever happened to me. I also thought about the whole dream thing again. I Had it again last night. The dream where she doesn’t say “I do” instead it’s “I’m not quite ready”. And I woke up with the same reaction. Tears in my eyes and insomnia, I think that’s what it’s called. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t call her, too late. Nothing, I felt so helpless. Someday it’s worse than others. I’ve actually called her once to see if we actually still went out after I had a dream like that. I guess maybe I should tell her about it…but then again I don’t know if I really want to. Because she might think I don’t love her; and well that’s completely wrong. I love her with almost everything I am…got to leave some for my moms. I used to think there was a limit on the amount of love you could “spend” on one person. Well I’m well beyond that limit…so I don’t think there’s a limit now…because if there was then the only thing that would be left is enough for God…
What to write? I’m at a loss of what to say now. I love her and I don’t regret what happened today…at all. I do question some things. Not about me and her…but about me, and about her. Not us as a whole…just us. I can’t get it out of my head that Lindsey may have done this before. I don’t think I’d leave her if she lied to me about it. But it would hinder some things. I’ve also found some things out. I love Lindsey with all of my heart…and everything I am. No question about that. I dated Gina for almost 2 years and didn’t have sex with her, even though she wanted to. And I’m dating Lindsey now for maybe 5 months…but it’s been the best five months of my entire life. Being away from her is so hard, no easier now. I also know she loves me. Not to what happened today but just because. I really can’t explain anything right now. There’s so many feelings rushing through my head; confused, angry, happy, sad, confused again, wondering, lost, and about a hundred more. I’ll have to finish this some other time.
Well I’ve found some bearing…some control of all these thoughts rushing through my head. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain everything that happened to me today. I don’t regret anything that happened. At all. There are three main things I worry about. First is the normal; a kid. Second is what if her or my parents find out. Third is what if she really didn’t want to do this. I mean I can’t imagine what it would be like if she didn’t. I would feel so bad. There are so many things I want to write here…but I just can’t. Not enough time to. I’m so worried about a lot of things…but on the other hand it comforts me to know that she’s not worried…although I think she is deep down. Maybe it hasn’t hit her yet. But I think she will worry later. I know this is the first…and I also know it’s not that last. I just hope we don’t get careless and get caught by one of our parents. I couldn’t imagine life not seeing her. I never thought Lindsey would be the one…ever. It’s the best person though, if you actually think about it she is the best for me. Our relationship is perfect, she’s my best friend, and I don’t regret anything about it; except the fact that we didn’t do it all over again. But that’s no really a regret…it’s just something to think about…ALL week long. There’s so many people I want to tell but I just can’t because it would get back around to other people…and eventually to a parent. One of our parents. I hate hiding things from my mom but I just can’t tell her this. She never trusts my judgment any more. She always has something to say about everything I do. How it’s wrong and how I should have done it. It’s annoying. Something else happened today that hasn’t happened in a while (I know not as important as sex) Today I thought about Jeremy. I just wanted to sit there and cry. Lindsey was holding me, why couldn’t I have just cried. But I didn’t…well not yet anyway. I know I’ll think about it today.
Well yesterday I had some bearing…but I think that was God just messing with me; because today I have no bearing whatsoever. I can’t stop worrying about all of this...”what if she gets pregnant?” “What if her parents find out?” “What if mine do?” it’s just a million questions running through my mind a second. I’ve never had this happen to me. I can’t think of anything other than this. I guess that’s how it supposed to be but I wish I could. I can’t just stop life every time this happens. it just won’t work for me. I’ve come to the realization that I love her more than the world itself. I’ve been doing some thinking lately… and I’ve realized I’m sick of trying to keep everyone happy. I need to worry about me for a while…which in turn means Lindsey as well. I’ve told Brandi about all of this and I really feel like that was the best move to make. She’ll watch over me more than anyone else will. Scott really can’t watch over me. Torrie can’t really help b/c she doesn’t really know anything. She just knows it happened. And if that’s not enough, Gina seems to think it’s my fault Lindsey hung up on her. It’s not my fault at all. It may be my fault I laughed. But that’s it. I really don’t care though. It takes too much energy to care. So I won’t. Lindsey has been all I can think about for the past 24 hours…and it’s not like she’s every other thought. She is every thought. It’s not all about what happened. Just most of the time. Today in Cisco I wanted to tell everyone. I’m not sure why. I just wanted to. It’s really weird how the only thing I can think of is her. I mean now I can’t imagine having sex with anyone other than her. I love her…and that’s why it happened.
Haven’t written in a while. Wow…a long while. I’m not a hundred percent sure but there’s a part of me that’s down today. I know exactly what it’s from. Lindsey called me today and told me she started. So she’s not pregnant, at least from the first time. I’m so happy she’s not pregnant. That would ruin my life. So then tell me why a small part of me is down. It’s almost as if a part of me wanted it. Wanted her to have my child. Maybe not now. Definitely not now. But some day. She just has no idea whatsoever how she makes me feel. How holding her makes everything right, everything perfect in her presence. Yesterday I was so angry I couldn’t handle it. Somehow, just talking to her, just hearing her voice comforted me. Made everything ok again. Made me feel like I could get through it. That’s something I’ll never be able to explain. Sometimes I actually get angry at myself because I can’t tell Lindsey how I feel. Tell her how she makes me feel. It’s a feeling I’ll never forget, hopefully because she’ll always be there, forever. But if something does happen and we can’t see each other anymore than I still would never let go of that feeling. That feeling she gives me just being there…just being near me. There’s so many feelings I get when she’s there. The feeling with her holding me, like she’s blocking the world from me. The feeling I get when she lets me hold her. It’s like I actually mean something to someone, like someone actually wants me to hold them, to try and make life a little better. The feeling I get when I leave her, every time I we part it’s like something is taken from me. I Hate It. Then there’s the last feeling. And it’s the only one I get when she’s not around. It’s like a warm light over my head. Like someone has just taken everything I’m worrying about, everything on my shoulders and tossed it all aside. It happens every time I think of her. I can’t think of anything other than her. One thought of her and that’s it. Don’t ask me to think of anything else until I’m done thinking over her. She floods my mind like nothing else. Love’s such a great thing, something only she gives me. It’s so hard to find. I mean true love, love that’s not brought about by money or sex. I love her because of her, nothing more, nothing less. Jeremy and Lindsey….never thought that would actually sound perfect like it does now. Not when I met her when I was six. Not the times we sang in choir together. But now I can’t imagine it not sounding perfect.
Well 17. 17 and scared. I’m scared of growing up…not me growing up but growing apart from her. I’m scared of growing up and not being ready. Of living my entire life going nowhere…especially going nowhere and taking someone with me. There’s something about this college stuff that makes me think I’m not ready for growing up. Makes me think I’m not ready to leave home. I don’t know what it is. But I don’t like it. I don’t like not feeling ready for something. When Lindsey and I started our relationship I was ready, when we had sex I was ready, but this is something I’m not ready for. This growing up stuff is something that I don’t want or need right now. The only good thing I see from growing up is marrying my angel. And that’s about the only thing I’m sure of right now. Is that I love her. I want so much to promise her that I’ll be here forever, that I’ll never leave her. But every time I try to say it, it comes out as “I love you” and that’s the only thing I can promise right now. I guess one day I’ll promise her, when she has my ring on her hand. But until then I’ll have to settle with I love you. Today we laid on the couch and I held her for about an hour and a half and the entire time she thought I was sleeping I just sat and thought of all the time we’ve spent together, all the time we have together and just the fact that I’ve found one person that cares more about me and anyone else. And I was in heaven the entire time. Just watching her is enough for me, I used to watch her at Eagle Eyre, just watch her and think if it was me she was dreaming of or if it was Nathan. Granted at the time I know it was Nathan I know now it’s not. I know it’s me she dreams of now. There’s something about the fact that she dreams about me that makes me smile, that makes me wonder why we waited so long to start a relationship, even thought it may have been the smartest thing we’ve ever done. But now she’s mine, and all mine she’ll stay forever and ever (I guess that’s close enough to a promise)
I love you means so much, when someone says I love you they're actually saying, I’ll be here forever, I’ll be there for you when you cry, I think you're beautiful, I think you're the most beautiful person in the world, I want to marry you, I can't stand to be away from you, I don't ever want to lose you, my life has been changed by you being here, holding you makes everything perfect, I won't let you go, I want to make you happy forever and ever, there's nothing in me without you, I don't know where I’d be without you, I love you, my heart aches when you leave, I want to be there to wipe your tears forever, when you just need to cry, and let it all out, I’ll be there, to hold you, to let you know one day it's going to be ok again and that's how it'll be forever and ever. Sometimes when I tell Lindsey that I love her, it sounds wrong. It doesn’t sound like enough. It’s never enough. She just won’t ever know how much I love her but everything I do from now on will try to make her see; make her realize that I have realized something. That I can promise I’ll be there for her forever. I will be by her side forever. I won’t ever leave her. I know it sounds crazy but if you actually think about it a promise is something that is meant to be carried out at the moment. Right now. Not later. Something could happen to where I can’t be there forever or she just may not want me there forever. But right now it’s not like that. I want her and she wants me to be there forever. Lindsey’s mom found out a couple of days ago that Lindsey and I had sex. She hasn’t said anything about it but I think she’s known since the first time it happened. I’m sure she’ll say something one day but maybe not until later, maybe not until we’re already married. I think she knows how much I love her and how much she loves me so it’s not like we’re just having sex for fun (although it is). Lindsey has been under a lot of stress lately so I’m making it my job to see her every moment possible. She doesn’t really need me there it just helps. Tuesday she cried because of everything happening and I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do. I just sat there and did the only thing I knew would help; wrapped my arms around her and held her as she cried. I didn’t know what to do so that seemed like the best option. Lindsey told me that I put my friends before her but she also said that she didn’t mean it. But now I wonder, what if she does think I prioritize my friends before her. I don’t think she realizes that I have no friends besides the guys at Votech. And even then I only hang with Kevin outside of school. I know I’m not good at this relationship stuff but I’ll try my hardest to keep the angel that I’ve found. I won’t let her go, not without a fight. This love stuff isn’t hard at all it’s just that sometimes things don’t go the way you hoped they would and since they didn’t you have to change every thing you thought you knew about love. It’s kind of weird but it’s something I can live with as long as I have Lindsey by my side. Life is so much easier when you’re going through it with someone who cares, someone who asks about how your day was. How I did on a test or just a simple Hi everyday. It’s nice and it’s even better since it’s Lindsey that is my someone. I love her, and I will forever.
Sometimes I wonder if Lindsey enjoys scaring me with the whole pregnancy thing. Last night she told me her mom thought she was pregnant and granted it’s a legitimate reason to believe she is I don’t think she is. But I could be wrong. I love her so much and I try so hard to make her happy, and most of the time I do but sometimes I say things I shouldn’t. Like last night when she told me she might be pregnant I told her that would suck. It would suck but I probably should have said it some other way. Maybe even some other time. For some reason I can’t seem to stop thinking of her today. Some days it’s really bad, like I can’t think of anything besides her. Whish isn’t a bad thing unless you’re trying to do something else, like school. But it’s ok because it’s a three day weekend…all of which I’ll be spending with her. Last night I came home from Lindsey’s and my mom was gone. I didn’t know where she was. The normal things she takes with her were all here so I started to worry. I called Lindsey’s to see if she called there but she didn’t. Granted she just went to the store it was scary. I was worried about her. Yesterday I think Lindsey and her mother figured that out. Sometimes I wish Lindsey did go to my school so we could have the same days off but oh well…this gives me time to do things that need to be done. Sometimes I feel like I’m slipping in between Lindsey and her life. Like I’m taking her time like I own it. I don’t want her to miss anything because of me, and I definitely don’t want her to feel overwhelmed by my wanting to spend time with her. I know she says thing but most girls say something and mean something else so I don’t ever know what she means…well that’s a lie I usually do know what she means.
Well it’s been quite a weekend. Lindsey and I have seen each other everyday this past week, which has been something I could get used to. Friday night I saw her then drove home…went over to see her Saturday morning in we had sex at 900 in the morning…which I would never complain about. Then Saturday night it happened again then again Sunday morning. Today Lindsey and I talked about something even more important than sex…marriage. I don’t know how serious she is but I’m more serious than I’ve ever been about something. We talked about what day and even though it’s the first date that is possible it’s not close enough for me. I would marry her tomorrow if I had the choice. I honestly don’t think she understands how serious I am about this. Saturday night when we slept together, and I mean actually sleep it was something I would never give up for anything. Just knowing she was there throughout the night was the most comforting feeling in the world. It was something I’ll never forget even if it never happens again. Every time I think about us together I can’t seem to think how in the world I’ll ever let her go if something happens where I don’t want to be with her. She makes everything perfect all the time. It used to be that it was only when I held her…then it was when she was near me, now all I have to do is think of her and everything is right again. It’s something that makes me know for a fact, 100% sure, without a doubt that this is love. This doesn’t happen everyday. This feeling I get every time I see her or every time someone mentions her name. Or feeling like it’s the first kiss every time I kiss her. Or feeling like it’s the first time we’ve had sex every time we do. It’s got to be love. What else is it. Wanting to spend every possible moment with her…seeing her for 3 weeks straight and still wanting to call her tonight. And still having something to talk about. Its something no one can explain. Not even me.
I’ll never be able to explain how I try to see her everyday. It’s almost as if I need to see her sometimes… which I guess is true in a sense. It’s kind of weird though. Today I saw her and she was looking at college stuff and I don’t exactly know how to take it. I mean I would never make her stay here for me….ever. But then again I know for a fact there’s something more than I high school relationship between us. It’s just a gut feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach. (actually I don’t know where that is). When she talks about college I get scared. Like she’s leaving me. Like I’m lost all over again. I just don’t know what to feel, sadness, the feeling I used to get before her, or what… I just wish I could say….stay here. And then everything would be fine but I wouldn’t do that to her. There’s times when I wish she would just decide so I’ll know what to feel. But right now I’m just confused….and I’m scared that one day she won’t be there for me to hold…or she won’t be there for me to see…or maybe she won’t be there at all.
This relationship stuff isn’t easier day to day. It gets easy then if gets hard…it’s kind of like carrying a rock up a mountain. Once you get to the other side it’s easy but then you just have to carry it up another mountain. But it’s so worth it in what I’ve found in Lindsey. She got an infection in her bladder and it’s kind of my fault. I feel really bad but she doesn’t help with the things she says. She doesn’t know it bothers me and I doubt I’ll post this until after it’s all over. She’s got enough to worry about. I wish it was me with the infection. I hate hearing her voice with the faint sound of pain, or sadness in it. Or seeing her with a sparkle of agony in it. It just bothers me a lot. Like there’s nothing I can do so I’m automatically helpless. And I do feel that way right now. There’s absolutely nothing I can do except hold her and that doesn’t even help her. It just helps me to know that I still can hold her.
My
mother pissed me off again today. I don’t understand why she can’t see
that I’m trying to do my best to do what is right. I thought I did everything
right today but I guess not. I must have done something wrong. She doesn’t
seem to notice how much I want to go on this trip with Lindsey. I love
Lindsey and I do plan to spend my life with her. This trip is my first
step. Meeting her family is a big deal to me whether it’s a big deal to
her or not. I want her to come to
Well that’s it. The secret that I’ve held in now for almost 3 years is out. Well not yet but if I don’t tell Lindsey I could lose her forever…and that’s not happening. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even type right this morning. It’s like something came over everything about me. I’ve never told anyone what happened and I never planned to. Scott doesn’t know, my mom, nor does Lindsey know. No one. There was no reason for anyone to know except for me. It would have only caused more pain than anything. Dating Gina was something I did because I was complacent with her. I never really loved her. Sure I liked her in the beginning but that was it. I stayed with her just because I didn’t have to worry about getting my heart broken because I didn’t love her. When Lindsey and I started messing around at Eagle Eyre I got scared. Especially when I go shot down. I told myself I’d never try for her again. I wanted to stay with what I was used to, Gina. Well that didn’t work. I fell for Lindsey harder than I’ve ever fallen before. I didn’t know what to do. I had nothing to do with her but she wanted me. She wanted to be with me and be mine forever. Even though I probably screwed it up by now. I never meant to hurt her. I just figured she was happy with Nathan and I was pretending I was happy with Gina. Sure I was complacent but I wasn’t happy. I was happy that weekend I was with Lindsey. I never wanted to tell Lindsey any of this. But I used to go to church just to see if she was there. I went to the events to spend time with her. I know it sounds bad, I mean I love God and everything. But seeing her was something I couldn’t give up. When we went to the beach I felt like the little school boy that got asked out by the supermodel. I didn’t know what to do. When I told her I was going to kiss her, that wasn’t supposed to come out. When I saw her face I knew I had said it out loud. I don’t know if I’m going to post this or not until I tell her. But I do know one thing…
Baby,
I love you more than anything I’ve ever laid eyes on. You’re
everything I’ve ever wanted. I never meant for anyone to find out but I
know you’ve probably made me tell you by now. I don’t know how you reacted
or what but I do know that I love you. When I started dating
Jeremy
I don’t know if I’ll ever give
her that. But I needed to write it because it helps me to get it out. I
know I’ll tell her sometime. I just don’t know when. I’m so scared I’m
going to lose her that I don’t know if I can. But I know I have to. I know
I don’t have a choice now. She doesn’t know how serious this is yet because
she doesn’t know what it is. And she may think it’s no big deal but she
may also think that I’m an ass and she never wants to see me again. I don’t
know what I’m going to do. I wish someone else knew so I could talk to
someone about it. But NOBODY knows at all. So just like every other time
I’m left in the dark. Even though I have a best friend and he’s a great
guy, he doesn’t know what’s going on. I’ve decided I’m not going to my
first bell. I have a test and I can’t think straight. So I don’t think
I’ll take it today but I’ll take it later. I don’t know what I’m going
to do yet. I love her…more than I’ve ever loved anyone, granted I’ve never
loved anyone. I’m lost without her. Last night she told me that if something
happened to me…she wouldn’t be able to live anymore. That there would be
no point and granted I know where se’s coming from I don’t like how that
sounds. I love her I do. I think she’s the definition of the perfect love.
Not knowing what’s going to happen kills me inside. What happens if she
doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What happens if I’ve screwed up big
time? I never even thought about all of this until now. I know I should
have told her last night. But I wasn’t sure if I was even going to tell
her at that point. I’m not very good at all of this relationship stuff.
I can’t do it. I suck at everything about it. Sure I can make her feel
like she’s a queen but what good is that if you always screw things up.
I mean I broke up with her when I was in love with her. I told her I was
moving when I wasn’t. That’s something an ass would do. I don’t think I
could’ve dealt with all of that. But she did. She’s still right here beside
me all the time. What did I ever do to deserve her? What happened in my
life that says that I should always have her beside me? I’ve only been
heart broken once…well twice but the second never happened. So why do I
get a girl when there’s people out there that get heart broken every day.
I don’t know but I know I take it for granted. I don’t tell her I love
her enough. I don’t say how much she means to me enough. I’ll never be
able to tell her but I don’t try to enough. I’ll never let go of this love
I’ve found. This love I’ve found in her. Last night when she looked at
me and smiled I felt like everything just melted inside of me. I’ll never
be able to describe that feeling. But last night when she looked up at
me when I was leaving and she had that look on her face, the look of despair.
Like that look the last time I went to her house before I left for
“When
I met you I was afraid to like you. When I liked you I was afraid to
love you. Now that I love you I'm afraid to lose you.”
I found that today in an e-mail she sent me a while ago. It applies to me more than any other quote has before. I wish I could change my senior quote to this one. Even if we’re not dating later…it would still apply because I am scared to lose her. Especially now. Now more than ever. I don’t know how she’s going to react to all of this. But I know I have to tell her now. I know I’ve lost at trying to keep this secret inside. I told myself I could do it forever and I would’ve never fallen in love. But what I’ve found in Lindsey is something I wouldn’t have wanted to miss. “when I met you I was afraid to like you…” I was afraid to like her. She was beautiful. Everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. I knew I couldn’t have her. Why even try? “When I started liking you I was afraid to love you.” After that weekend at Eagle Eyre I was so scared to fall even deeper in love with her. That’s why I never tried to keep a relationship with her. It wasn’t something I was ready for. “Now that I love you I’m afraid to lose you” There are times when I can’t stand to just be away from her even when she is mine. I couldn’t stand losing her. I am scared to lose her, and that’s why I never really tried dating her in the past, because I was too scared to get my heart broken all over again. I never loved Gina. So I wasn’t really afraid to lose her. If she left than well I guess I would have moved on. I’ve told Lindsey again and again that I’m not very good at this relationship stuff…but I’ll try my hardest to keep the angel I’ve found. I’ll never be sure why love makes me feel this way. This feeling of perfect bliss. It’s a feeling nothing else gives me. Just being in love makes the trip through life much more worthwhile.
How in the world can one person love someone else that much? How can one person make someone else’s life perfect just by looking at them? How can one person change everything about another by just touching him? I don’t understand it. I don’t think anyone understands it. Last night, looking at Lindsey I realized something; my life won’t be the same ever again because of her. I’ve loved her now for almost a year and a half and we’ve only been dating for less than half a year. I never knew how much it hurt to watch the person you love love someone else until it happened to me. Nathan treated her like crap and she still had it inside of her to love me. Looking at Lindsey makes me realize that my life’s not going to be spent alone anymore; that I won’t be taking all of my problems on by myself. Lindsey helps me through every one of them even if she doesn’t realize it. Sometimes I call her and just listen to her talk. Hearing her makes something inside of me calm down. It helps to calm me down sometimes…like after an argument with my mother or a really bad day at school. All I have to do is call her (even though seeing her is better) and every thing’s fine again. It’s something I’ll never ever grasp.
Lindsey has no idea what it means to me to hold her…she’ll never know. There’s no way for me to tell her. I don’t even understand how much I love her so how do I expect her to. Today I held her and we talked about the past…our past. All I can think about now is our future. It’s not my future anymore…not hers…but ours. I honestly don’t know how serious she is about marrying me…but there’s only one way to find out and that’s to ask her. So I will….I don’t know when but it’ll be sometime before the end of next year…maybe even sooner. I know she’s the one. I can feel it in her touch, kiss, and her just holding me or letting me hold her. Today was the best in the whole sex scene for us. She even said so. I’m not sure what was different but I don’t care. It was great. She has no idea what she does to me. How she makes me feel. I wanted so much to just buy that ring and ask her right there in the mall. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the money to. I’ve never been so sure of anything. I can’t believe that I feel this way. I didn’t think I was capable of having theses feelings. That’s what I get for dating someone for 2 years and never loving them. Now I can love someone and have them all in one. Lindsey has no idea how much it hurt to watch the person you do love loves someone else. It hurts a lot. I would rather go through every single heartache than that again…but I don’t have to. I love her and she loves me and everything’s perfect now. And that’s how life should be.
Love-A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. Just touching her makes me feel loved. Just holding her makes me feel like I’m someone special. And sex….WOW!!! That’s a completely different story. I would have never imagined that someone could love me like she does. I’ve been through so much in life and I never thought someone would love someone that came from such a dysfunctional family. But she does love me. I can see it in her eyes when she stares at me while I’m “watching TV or “sleeping”. I never thought there was actually a person that didn’t care at all about how little I could spend on her. I never thought it possible. Until I met her….until that day almost 2 and half years ago when I told myself next to that little bed at Eagle Eyre that I loved her. That this girl was the one I wanted to marry, that this girl was the girl that I had to have for myself for the rest of my life. Sure it sound selfish but I don’t care. I do want her for myself. I don’t even want to share her with her family anymore….but I know I have to. She’s everything to me; my best friend and my lover. It’s all wrapped up into that one body…and a rather sexy one at that. (But that’s just a bonus) Here’s the story of Lindsey and I:
Lindsey and I go back to days before I knew myself let alone want her to know me. Lindsey and I started at eagle Eyre about 4 years ago when I was dating Whitney Hayes. Lindsey was dating Jeff at the time and when Whitney and I broke up so did they. So me and Lindsey hooked up. Her mom said no and I’ll never know why. We decided it for the best that we didn’t see each other then and we both went our ways. Lindsey started dating Nathan sometime during her 9th grade year and I started dating Gina about the same time. While I was dating Gina and Lindsey Dating Nathan we both started our little “games” with each other. We would flirt when we got the chance and both of us knew that we liked the other. It was just something no one ever talked about until a certain trip to Eagle Eyre. Both Lindsey and I held hands, hugged, always had to be touching one another. Everyone there thought we were dating when in fact both of us were seeing other people. Lindsey hadn’t decided whether or not she was going to stay with Nathan or if she was going to date me. When we got home Lindsey had finally come to a decision…she was only thinking she could date me because she was so far from Nathan. When she returned to Nathan she found that she didn’t want to date me as bad as she wanted to still date him. Lindsey did not have nor has any idea what that did to me. Even though I was dating Gina and everyone thought I was happy with her I wasn’t. I wanted Lindsey and I finally gave up until another trip to eagle Eyre. It was Family Missions Week and Lindsey and I were on the same team, Drama. Lindsey had asked that I wake hey and Melissa up in the afternoon after they’re nap and every afternoon I walked into the room and watched Lindsey sleep. Just sat and watched her breathe wondering if it was me she was dreaming about or if it was Nathan, even though I knew it was him. One day while watching her sleep I decided to myself I was in love with her and I had to have her. It wasn’t a question of losing her to Nathan anymore. I needed that girl. Lindsey told me that she wanted to stay with Nathan and that she would still kiss me. I remember sitting in my room and crying after reading that because I didn’t have it in me to tell her how much I loved her. And I dare not tell anyone else in case word got back to Gina. If you’ve read this entire thing you know Gina was just a space keeper. She filled that space as a girlfriend so I didn’t have to fall for anyone until Lindsey. I didn’t want to fall for Lindsey although I wouldn’t want it any other way now. Watching Lindsey sleep that afternoon was probably the most abrupt feeling I’ve ever received and I still don’t understand how someone could fall in love that quick. Was I in love with her and I didn’t realize it? I did love to be around her. I loved feeling my fingers brush across her skin and feeling her hand in mine. I did love hearing her speak…just the sound of her voice. I loved thinking about her in the afternoons. But watching her sleep is the most vivid memory I’ve ever had. Watching her sleep now reminds me of that day when I first realized I was in love with the girl lying in front of me. Although we never hooked up because she was happy with Nathan and I didn’t have the balls to break them up, although I think I could have, I’ve got her now. After we returned form our trip to Eagle Eyre hearing her say “I want to stay with Nathan” all over again crushed me…I didn’t even want to try again. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. After Gina and I broke up, which also turned out to be the same time Nathan and Lindsey broke up, I didn’t know they had broken up. So I went on with life. I didn’t need anybody. Sure I went out sometimes with different people but I never felt anything like I did for Lindsey. Sunday almost a week before I was supposed to leave for VT for 2 months Lindsey initiates the final blows that break down that wall I had built a year before against asking her into my life all over again. At the beach feeling my finger across her skin again made everything inside me melt. Made everything I had thought of love be transformed into everything I thought of her. She was everything I loved. Every day that week I spent with her. Erin, the girl I was “talking” to at the time was no more to me. Just another girl I had met somewhere. Lindsey became the reason to get up in the mornings. She was the reason I made plans with Melissa to swim at her house so late. That night, a Wednesday, was our first kiss. That kiss was perfect. Nothing like that kiss will ever happen to me again. Feeling her lips against mine made everything I thought turn to little itty bitty hearts and flutter out through my lips. I had decided that night on my way home to stay here in VA and live life just to see what I had found in her. If nothing happened I would finish the year and go to VT. If everything happened I would stay here until we were both ready to leave then move to wherever we wanted to start a family. I never asked her out. I never began to tie the knot. It was assumed by both of us. It was a contract through that kiss that we both belonged to each other. That she was mine and I was hers. And that is the Beginning of the perfect love.
Lindsey and I haven’t ever really told anyone the entire story of us but both of us know it very well. We both have our own versions of the implied feelings toward each other and things like that but the events are all the same. Me falling in love with her was no coincidence. There wasn’t some timing issue that played a role. God put her in my life for a reason. I love her more than anything. And I’ll tell anyone who wants to know that I do.
Lindsey has done it again. Last night I had an attack of some sort…I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what to do. When I finally got home from the Ambulance and everything Lindsey came over and just sat there. She rubbed her hands across my face. That feeling that someone loves you is like nothing else. That feeling that come when someone you love and they love you back gently touches you is something everyone should feel. Yesterday, seeing her, made everything in my day perfect. Made everything I was feeling just disappear. Lindsey is perfect. She makes the entire world better for at least one person…me.
Last night seeing my moms face when I had that attack made me think about a lot. She was so scared that she was going to lose me. I’ve always known she loves me but lately it’s been kind of hard to decipher how she shows it. Last night she showed it very well. Hearing Lindsey’s voice after she found out what happened made me feel kind of bad. Not like I did something wrong but just like she wasn’t happy and it was because of me. I caused her to worry. I don’t ever want her to worry about anything ever. I love her more than anything and I wish my mom could see that. Last night she brought up the topic of sex. Lindsey and I just kind of laughed it off but I wish we didn’t have to. I wish I could tell her and know how she would react. I know it’s a big deal but it’s not that big because I love Lindsey more than anything and I know she loves me as well. It’s not like we’re just doing it for fun. So that’s why I wish I could just tell her. Just tell her that Lindsey and I are having sex. It would just make things easier on Lindsey and I. But I don’t know what she would do so I’m not telling her.
Well…Friday the 13th. Kind of scary…well for some people. I didn’t have anything to worry about. I got grounded a couple of days ago and the only thing that sucks about it is that I have to find other ways to see Lindsey. But I won’t stop seeing her for a week. It’s not happening. It can’t happen. Not when we’re in the same state. I guess it’ll have to happen next week. Which sucks but it’s also good because I get to see my dad. Lindsey will have sometime to herself and as much as she doesn’t want to admit it sometimes people need that. I really don’t right now and I’m not sure if she does. But in any event it’s a good idea to leave for a week. Last week when she said I questioned our relationship I was pissed. And I still am because she still thinks I did. If I thought that her dad would let us get married right now I’d ask her yesterday. She doesn’t seem to realize this and she won’t until I actually ask her I think. It bothers me that she still thinks I questioned or even question now. It actually pisses me off. Especially when we were going somewhere with her parents and she brought it up. I didn’t want to say anything because that wouldn’t be fair to her parents so I decided to just drop it. When in actuality it killed me inside. Every time it comes up it feels like something inside just gets ripped apart. I know she loves me and I know she wants to get married just as much as I do but I can’t help but wonder if she questions it at all. Questions the fact of marriage… I mean I don’t know if her and Nathan ever talked about it but I know they weren’t as close as we are. We’ve got a ring picked out. I just wish I could read her mind. But then this wouldn’t be interesting. I can’t believe that she would ever not want to get married but I think I’m allowed to wonder if she questions it at all. I also wonder what her Dad will say. That’s the only reason I haven’t asked her already. And I do mean the only reason.
Too much to soon for two teens in love? Never…too soon to think of marriage? No just before too late. Meeting the family is a big deal to me, especially if it the entire family all at once. It’s kind of overwhelming. But it’s something that I’m kind of stuck with now. I wouldn’t want to go back anyway. Lindsey and I are getting married so I guess this is one of the many steps of the process. She’ll meet my family just before we get married. I can’t imagine what she’ll think when she meets my dysfunctional family. I don’t think she understands how weird my extended family is. But that’s alright. Maybe me going with her will give her some idea on how much I want to marry her. Today I got an IM that I wasn’t to sure of…one of Gina’s best friends IMed me after almost a year of not talking to her. It may have been sincere but I don’t know with It being so out of the blue and all. But I don’t care…I mean even if she is trying to do something…nothing anyone could ever do now would tear Lindsey and I apart. I’ve been through the lies and all that mess so I don’t think anyone can say or do anything to make my love for her grow smaller. This week has been weird not seeing Lindsey like I normally do. I mean sure I still see her every once and a while but I wish it wasn’t like this…I hate not seeing her not being able to reach over and hold her when I want. That’s why I can’t wait until we live
Together…just so I can do that…just reach over and hold her.
A new year…a new start…right? Well then how come I can’t let go of last year or the things that have happened in the last 5 years. Lindsey did. She let go of something that happened 3 years ago…fine for her except that she never told me. She didn’t tell me she did something with that guy. That guy that was 20. It doesn’t bother me that she was with him. It bothers me that she didn’t tell me. It’s not like we never talked about any of this stuff. I mean we’ve gone through old boyfriends and girlfriends over and over. This thought of him never pooped up in her mind? Never set off a bell. I would imagine she would think to her self “maybe I should tell him about that guy my freshman year.” I can’t believe this. She told me 2 days ago and I still can’t get around it. I still can’t let it go. Obviously she didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I guess I’m just making it a bigger deal than it is. But I don’t know I just can’t get around it. I love this girl more than anything in the entire world. She’s all I can ever think about. Tonight just letting her hold me and touch my face made everything right…until I thought about that one thing…that one guy that she neglected to tell me about. Until 6 ½ months into our relationship she didn’t think it was that important. I know she didn’t cheat on me…she’d never do that…I know we weren’t dating at the time…or anywhere near the time…but it bothers me that she would “forget” to tell me about it. Or that date with Kyle right before we started dating when she was accused of cheating with him the same summer. I just want her to be able to tell me anything without her thinking I’m going to think down on her or anything like that. I just want to know things…at least feel like I know everything about the girl I’m want to spend my life with. I just think I deserve to know about the previous guys when I’ve asked. Especially when we’ve done the things we’ve done. I kind of feel left out…like everyone knew but me. I HATE IT…I fucking hate it. She asked me what was wrong but I didn’t tell her…it’s not my place to be mad at her. We weren’t dating and we weren’t even talking at that point of our lives….it’s almost as if I’m getting angry about something I shouldn’t be getting angry about…well that’s probably exactly what it is but I can’t help it. I can’t get around the fact that she didn’t tell me…that she just forgot. Forgot to tell the person you love more than anything something they’ve asked you more than 5 times. I mean we’ve talked about previous experiences numerous times…it’s not like she just didn’t think about it. I don’t know if she just thought I’d look down on her because of it or if she just didn’t like that fact that she did something dumb or what it was but I just don’t want anything else to be left unsaid again. I can’t…I mean I don’t think she understands how important this is to me. I’ve told her anything she’s ever asked even if I didn’t like it or didn’t want to…and she hasn’t.
Today I’ve found something I never thought I’d find. Sitting in choir I just don’t think I’m into all this God stuff anymore…it’s just not feasible. Maybe sure there’s a chance and yes I will continue to go to church in hopes that something will change inside of me. I just don’t see it anymore. I don’t see life after death being so great. I don’t see it. I’m probably the only person that doesn’t see it in our youth group but I just don’t. Maybe there was a train I missed a long time ago that I pretended to be on for all these years and now I’m realizing that I’m not on that train anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared that one day I’ll wake up…well I won’t wake up… and I’ll have no idea where I am. I don’t know what death is like anymore. Will it be forever? Will I just die and I’ll just stop thinking all together? Will Lindsey be there with me? I can’t imagine it anymore. I’m so scared. Today I just walked out of choir because none of the songs made sense anymore. None of the lyrics hit me anywhere special. It was like I was singing to the ceiling and no one else seemed to feel that way. I don’t know what to do. Who do I tell? I definitely can’t tell my mom…she would flip. She’s into all that now…now that I got her into it all. I don’t feel like I was wasting time and I don’t feel like none of this stiff is true. I just don’t know what I know anymore. The only thing I am sure of now is my love for Lindsey. That’s about all I’m sure of. And it doesn’t seem to be changing soon because I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing for about a year now. I just don’t know. Lindsey today seemed to worry and I like that a lot but I don’t know if I should tell her or not. I mean forever she’s thought I was into all this and now to hear this; what would she do? What would she say? I don’t know anymore. I’m lost. I’m so lost. The only thing that makes me feel good anymore is seeing Lindsey. Being with her. Holding her and making her smile makes me smile. Not a lot does it anymore. All of my friends are just too immature now. Scotts moved and I can’t talk to him without him talking about himself…but I do worry about him a lot. Kevin just seems to have no idea where he’s going in life and he has no clue what girl he wants next to him through it all. All my other friends just don’t seem to have anything in common with me anymore. Lindsey’s it…she’s all I got now and that scares me. What would I do if we don’t make it through another day? Who would I go to? I mean my mom doesn’t even know me anymore. She seems like she couldn’t care less about me…as long as I come home at night and pay what I owe. Lindsey’s mom seems to care more than mine and it hurts a lot. I mean I like Lindsey’s mom a lot but she’s still not my mother. It feels good to be part of a family but I don’t want to be apart of a family that thinks I’m trying to squeeze in on their lives. I don’t want that at all. I just want to have a schedule…dinner around 5 or 6 and everyone in bed by 10 normally. Here it’s not like that. It’s just crazy…like no one has any idea what they’re doing. My mom doesn’t know where I am half the time and she has no life at all. I hate it here. I don’t know if I can live like this much longer.
I don’t know what to say…Today Lindsey has really made me mad. I don’t understand why someone say something like that…I mean it’s just not right. And what am I supposed to say to that…I mean what do I say to “Oh Yeah”. I mean how do you say something like that and expect the other person not to get mad. It’s just degrading…like I’m not good enough for her. I mean the guy is the one that takes the blame for bad sex. It’s not like it’s ever the girls fault. That’s all I want to do, is please her in everyway possible. That’s all. I know she didn’t mean it and I know it won’t happen again but it’s just the fact that she did it once. I can’t believe she said that. Two words is all it took. That’s it. I don’t understand how two words can piss someone off so much. I’ll never understand how she can make me so angry but looking at her makes me so happy still and how she always stays perfect…she just fucked up…and she’s perfect…I’ll never get that. It pisses me off to think of it. I’m not perfect…even when I don’t mess up and she’s perfect even when she fucks up. Explain that to me. Today I gave Lindsey that e-mail that I wrote her a long time ago about her and Nathan and Gina and I. I’m guessing Lindsey forgot I broke up with Gina to date her b/c she didn’t realize it until tonight…but that’s ok because now she knows. I know I told her before…I know she knew at one point. After I broke up with Gina to date Lindsey I decided that I would never do that again…I’ll never break up with a girl for another girl. And after about 5 months dating Lindsey I decided I wouldn’t break up with her. And I won’t. I just wish she would have given me the time of day last time I tried. I never should’ve dated Gina the second time. I never really liked her after that weekend with Lindsey…after touching Lindsey; Gina was just kind of like a place holder because I couldn’t have Lindsey…her mom wouldn’t let me. I should’ve stayed trying for Lindsey…but I didn’t so there’s no point in sitting here thinking about it when I’ve got what I want. Today I finally got an answer to why does she love me. I like knowing why…why someone thinks you’re the one. The one they think they want to be with forever. On a scale of 1-10 today was probably a 2…and only because Lindsey smiled at me…smiled at me…because of me. Not because I gave her some ring or some rose. Not because I pleased her all night. But because I’m me. Because she loves me.
There’s something about hearing her say “I love you” that makes me so happy. I mean it’s like there’s nothing in the world that can ruin this. This is the only thing I’ve found that doesn’t falter…that stays no matter what. I don’t understand it. It’s like even when we’re not doing anything at all…just sitting together I feel like every things perfect. I don’t understand it. I love her more than anything. Today, watching her laugh was something I could do forever. Just sit there and watch her smile. Today I took her to the park…no big deal right? Well it is because I don’t take anyone to the park. It’s like the park is my place…my place to get away…like when I don’t want to talk to anyone. Like when I don’t think anyone cares about me anymore…when I realize something has gone wrong…I go the park. Just to get away from everything. Just to sit and think of exactly how my life should be…how I want it to be. I used to go to the park to think of how life would be after I found that one girl…that one girl that makes me so happy I’d never be able to tell her. Now I go to the park and wonder how I’m going to tell Lindsey she’s that girl. How do you tell someone life would be futile without her? How do you tell someone that you love them so much, you can’t put in into words? How can you describe something in words that just can’t be described? I go to the park to think of how to do it. I think of what to say…or how I can make Lindsey happy today…or tomorrow. Sometimes I go to the park to think of how I’m going to make her smile…and one out of ten times of going to the park I go to sit and think of how Lindsey fucked up…or how I fucked up. Tonight I was going to go to the park but I decided I’d already been once today I didn’t need to go back. Every time I leave the park I come to the same conclusion…that I love this one girl more than anything. I love this one girl so much I couldn’t live without her here. And that she’s the perfect girl…the perfect girl for me and the perfect girl in general. She’s just perfect…all the way around.
Haven’t written in a while…but I guess that’s what happens when nothing goes wrong to write about. Lindsey and I had our first real fight yesterday and I hated it…I can’t deal with not being able to talk to someone that actually cares…someone that doesn’t talk about car parts or add-ons. When Lindsey and I fight I just think about how much she means to me and how much I need her and everything seems to come together…eventually. Last night I did something stupid…I left her. Just sitting there in her room I left her. Alone. I can’t believe I did that. I’ve tried to tell her I’m not good at this relationship stuff but there’s just no way she’ll believe me. There’s no way that she’ll ever listen. Every other girl I really didn’t care if I lost them…I didn’t care if they dumped me or not…I was just kind of messing around. Now it’s serious. Lindsey’s the one and I know it. If I had the balls to ask her dad if I could marry her I’d ask her tom…but I don’t so I won’t. Today, sitting with her, knowing she wasn’t mad at me and I wasn’t mad at her at all made everything better…made be all warm inside. I loved it just sitting there with her holding her just like I did everyday. Last night when she didn’t say I love you it hurt. It hurt more than just leaving her, even though she doesn’t know how much that hurt. It hurt more than every time I’ve been dumped or left behind before. It made me so angry and sad at the same time. I came home and I just couldn’t sit still. I hit almost every wall in the house. There’s so much to her…so much I have to learn…so much I haven’t learned…so much that I can’t see because she hides it….so much that when I look for something new I find a hundred different things. There’s so much I wish I could say to her…so much I wish I could find words to say. It’s like the things I feel just don’t have words…don’t have anything to express them about her. I’ve never felt like that…when I was happy I smiled…when I was happier I laughed…now I would have to laugh for all of eternity to match the happiness she gives me in a day. Just to match how I feel with her…sitting with her…her letting me hold her…letting me have the closest glimpse of her. Every time I hear about her talking about a guy I get jealous just because they saw her…because they got to see her…even if it’s not how I see her…not the perfect angel that I see. They still saw her. SLEEP looks so good right now…SLEEP….SLEEZ…SLEZZ…..SLZZZ…..SZZZZ….ZZZZZ
Inadequate? Too fast? Am I not what he wants? Why can’t I have his daughter forever… Hearing you have to wait to declare to the world you love someone is absurd. It’s like telling someone “no I don’t want you to show your feelings”. How could someone do that? How could someone live with the fact that someone else has stumbled upon true love and just ignore it. Just act like nothing is happening right under his nose. No I’m not gay…Lindsey’s dad has laid down the law saying that I can’t ask her to marry me until we’ve been dating for 2 years…which isn’t a problem except that I wanted to do it at a year… I love her…more than he dad, mom or even she will understand. She doesn’t know what it means to me to have a girl that will actually say no or a girl that I can say no to. Or how it feels to hear “I worry about you: and have her call you every once in a while just to make sure you’re alright. Just to make sure you made it home safe and to make sure you know that she loves you. She doesn’t understand that every time she asks questions about my life I feel like I’m someone…like someone, at least one person loves me. She’ll never see that when she kisses me it’s like there’s something that no one else can ever see…it’s like time stops…or goes so fast I can’t feel it. Kissing her in the cold makes a warm feeling flood through my body. Kissing her in the dark brings a sense of light to the room. Kissing her on a warm sunny day makes the day seems to get warmer and the sun brighter. She won’t ever see that the one day I finally realized I loved her, my heart broke. And the day she figured out she loved me my heart was finally restored. When I kissed her for the first time I felt like I was no body…like I wouldn’t ever had a chance at a girl like this again…maybe because I was in love with her that night I kissed her…maybe because I was in the moment and I had to take the chance…I’ll never know but after my lips touched hers I knew why I was kissing her. Because I loved her…because I couldn’t have anyone ever again once my lips pulled from hers…I saw that everything I ever needed was in her. She won’t figure out that when I’m with her I feel like I can fly…like nothing could ever stop me. And the last thing she won’t ever see…is that when I left for Vermont and I told her I was coming back for her…that I honestly had doubts at whether we would last past a month…but that month to me would’ve been worth everything. And now…going on 8 months is heaven to me…if I was asked to come to heaven, I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave what I’ve found here on earth. I couldn’t let go of a love so perfect…so true and pure. The love I’ve found between Lindsey and I. So why is it I can’t marry her…why is it I can’t tell the entire world that age shouldn’t be a prerequisite for love. For love displayed. That’s stupid. Anyone who thinks that is stupid. How do you put a time limit on love…on when someone should tell the world they love someone…I don’t want to marry her now…I don’t think I could handle school, working and a wife. All I want is everyone to see that ring on her finger saying she’s taken…saying her heart belongs to someone…that she belongs to someone….me. How do you tell someone that love isn’t true? How do you tell someone that the way they see someone isn’t what you’re seeing? I don’t get it…I would understand if we were getting married in June…but we’re not…I just want her to be mine…to actually know that there’s no going back anymore…that I won’t ever leave her…for anything, anyone or at anytime. She’s mine and I’m hers. Forever…and I want the world to know that.
Well, There’s only a few days left to get everything straight for Valentines day. Today Lindsey really annoyed me. I tried not to yell at her but I did anyway. I shouldn’t let all this stuff come out on to her. She doesn’t deserve it at all. Lindsey hasn’t done anything. She does need to realize that I don’t like not knowing whether or not I’m going to get yelled at for leaving on her birthday when I can’t see her anyway until after I get back even if I would be here. It doesn’t make sense. Her game is that day and even if she doesn’t have a game she’ll have practice. So it’s not like I could spend the day with her anyway. But I do want to try to make reservations for that day. Today I’ve realized something. Not only to I love Lindsey but she’s my Best friend. I mean not like my best friend like Kevin but she’s taken the spot of my mom...it’s really weird though because I never thought anyone would replace my mom. I still need my mom because I do but it’s weird to think about that. I don’t know where I’d be without Her. Lindsey has done so much for me. She’s just listened when I needed her to. She’s talked when I wanted her to and she’s always there. She’s always ready to listen. There’s almost nothing that would stop her from listening or just sitting with me. I love her so much. Today it was nice having her fall asleep in my arms. The only problem I have with sleeping with her is that every time she falls asleep, I don’t want to because I’m scared I might miss something. I’m scared I might lose her or miss something I was supposed to see. So I sleep when I have to or when I’m really tired when she’s around.
Lately things have changed…it seems like our relationship doesn’t mean much to her anymore. It’s not like she doesn’t show she loves me but she just doesn’t show that what we have is important. I don’t know what it is….so I don’t know what I want her to change…but I just know things have changed it seems. It seems like nothings like it used to be. She doesn’t sit and talk with me anymore…she doesn’t point out all the things she loves about me anymore. I love her more than anything. I couldn’t lose her. There’s no way I could lose her…I couldn’t stand to be without her, Valentines day went perfect. I couldn’t stop looking at her…couldn’t stop seeing everything she was thinking. It was almost like I didn’t have to say anything to carry on a conversation with her. It was perfect. I have no doubt in my mind that she loves me and I know I love her so everything will be fine, I just want things like they used to be. Like when we used to just look at each other and talk…or not even talk. When I would just hold her. She always seems to talk about soccer and how much she doesn’t want to play. I can’t believe she’s playing when she doesn’t want to. I mean now I have to wait to see her and I won’t see her everyday because she’s playing something she doesn’t even want to play. She wants to play I think but not for school. Everyday I’ll be there to listen to whatever she has to say and I’ll never say anything to her about me not wanting her to play but I just don’t like the fact that she’s playing and I lose out more than anyone and she doesn’t even want to play. It bothers me a lot. I love her and I just don’t want her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Yesterday, being able to fall asleep with her meant a lot to me. I don’t think she understood that. The little things she does mean a lot. Like taping little itty bitty hearts all over my room. I couldn’t believe that. That was amazing. She’s amazing. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a girlfriend.
(Don’t read if you don’t want to hear about my problems….)
Today has sucked…My dad hasn’t told me about his previous marriage for almost 5 years and he doesn’t seem to think it’s important. Lindsey is limiting the time I can spend with her to play something she really doesn’t want to play….well at least for who she’s playing it for. My mom is too entangled in the money and all that…or lack there of…to even notice if I was missing. My truck can’t stay running long enough for me to get anywhere on any of my bills….and every time I try to talk to someone they either get annoyed or bored…so what’s the point…what’s the point in trying…why not just pretend that everything is fine and lie about everything…maybe one day everything will be normal again…but I’ve given up hope that something good will happen. I’ve given up hope that there might be a God that loves me….I’ve given up hope that there’s anything that could bring me back to where I was when I first started dating Lindsey…where I didn’t need to worry about anything and I didn’t have to worry about whether or not I’d have enough money to make it until the next paycheck…I’ve given up hope that things will change…they haven’t for 6 months…why would they now? Why would something good happen to me? I’ve done everything wrong and there’s nothing else left to go wrong. I’ve given up hope….given up the chance….and I don’t want to take her down with me….I don’t want her to fall with me…I don’t want her to see me like this…I don’t want her to end up where I am…I just want her. Want her here to hold me…to wipe away the tears that fall on the letters of this keyboard…to hold me and briefly take away everything wrong in my life...I just want her here…next to me…but then she’d be here…she’d be here to see me like this…see me slowly falling apart…I know this sounds bad…but it’s not that bad…I mean, I’m breathing still…even though it’s hard because I have to breathe a lot to get past the tears...but nonetheless I’m breathing. My heart’s still beating and I know of one person that loves me.
I don’t know what else to say…I can’t sleep…for the 4th day in a row…and I don’t know why. It’s like there someone that likes to see me miserable…likes to see me cry…likes to see me have no one there.
Well it’s been awhile…I just got a computer again. This time I’ll write in different topics under this date because I can’t remember dates that well…so here goes…(they’re not in order either)
Landon Chambers
Imagine
dying early. I mean about 60-70 years early. All the things you missed.
Everything you couldn’t experience. Everything you didn’t have time to
do. I couldn’t imagine it. People walk around like nothings wrong. But
everyday I think of him. Think of how his life was cut short. About how
his life wasn’t as long as it should have been. He should of lived
longer. That dumb-ass sorry excuse for a human decided he should decide
when someone should die. Roy Everette didn’t think this teen should have
lived longer than 16. He didn’t feel like Landon deserved the same length
of life that
Lindsey (my one and only true love whom I would never give up a million years)
Lindsey, there’s nothing to say that I could fit in this. Lindsey is there…all the time. It’s like she calls when I want her too. One thing though…She pushes marriage a lot. I don’t ever say no…because I want to marry her. But I don’t want it to be for the wrong reasons…I mean I know I love her for everything she is…I just wish there was something written in the stars proving she’ll love me forever. I just want something there saying she’ll be there. That’s all. But other than that things are perfect. We have a arguments every once in a while but other than the fact that she acts like a 1st grader and uses the silent treatment on me it’s not that bad. Something’s we fight about aren’t worth either of our time. I mean its stupid stuff. Like Ring Dance. That was stupid. We didn’t need to fight about that…we both just needed to realize that we were both wrong…that’s all. But it’s over now so no big deal. I want to marry her and I will…I know for a fact I will. I just want to be completely ready for it…for it and everything that come with it. Sometimes I wonder late at night if she thinks of me when we’re apart. Like when she’s busy like at work and stuff. I know she does…well I think she does. And I’m worried about summer too. She’ll have more time than I do. What happens if she gets bored b/c I work all the time and starts going out with other guys…or what if she thinks I don’t have enough time for her…and she breaks up with me…maybe after this summer I’ll decide if I’m ready or not…maybe after this summer I’ll realize that she’ll be here through everything…I just want to see what it’s like when she has more time than me. I can’t imagine what life would be like without her though. What would I do with all my spare time? Where would I go all of the time? She’s my best friend, my net for when I fall, my knee pads for when I hit the ground, she’s my pillow when I’m tired, my energy when I’m almost down and out, and my jump start when I am down and out. I don’t understand how I could let one person hold everything dear to me. I mean it used to be that when I lost a friend I had her…when I lost a girl I had friends…now she’s the friends and the girl. What do I do if I lose her? Who do I turn to? Mom will always be there but she only heals the comfort so much. What will I do when she’s gone? What will I make of the wreck I’ll be then?
Today was really weird and I’m worried that Lindsey is kind of bothered about me picking Whitney up. I love Lindsey I do and I know she trusts me and she says it’s Whitney that she doesn’t trust but I don’t see how anything could happen if I didn’t want it to. Whitney can’t do anything to me unless I want her to. And I don’t want Whitney. I want the one I’m with: Lindsey. I love Lindsey, and I will ask her to marry me…I just don’t know when…maybe at one year…(screw her dad and anyone else not behind us) or maybe at two years…(her dad is still her dad and there’s nothing different between us besides I’m poorer and she’s got a ring) I love her and I don’t want her to think my love can be contained in some ring. There’s nothing in the world…not even the universe itself could hold my love for her. Nothing. Whitney has nothing at all over what Lindsey has and I wish she wouldn’t worry about it at all. But I know how it is. I would be the same way if she went to get Nathan. Lately it seems like Lindsey and I have been getting closer but farther. Like is some ways we’re getting closer and I love it. But in other ways it seems like we’re getting farther. I don’t know where yet but somewhere something’s missing. Maybe I just miss the nights where we sat and talked. Maybe we should do that again. Another problem is money. Prom, Testing, Car. I don’t know how to pay for it all. Dad’s helping but I still don’t know if I can afford to take the CCNA and go to prom. I hate to ask him to help even though I know he’d give it to me. I just don’t like asking him to pay for things. Thought of the day : don’t do something without you g/fs permission. No she can’t stop you but when your heart jumps when you touch her you know she has some control of something.
I don't understand what I did wrong… It’s not like I’m buying Ashleigh a star. I understand why Lindsey would be mad but why at me? Why is this my fault? I feel like Lindsey just doesn’t know who to be mad at so she chose me. I figure she’ll call me when she’s ready. I don’t even know if I want to talk to her yet. I think it’s just time for both of us to cool down. But how I would have loved to hold her before I left. I feel like she doesn’t even care about me when she’s mad at me. She doesn’t talk to me at all and she won’t even look at me. If this is how it’s going to be then I don’t want it. I want her to be able to talk to me when she’s mad. To be able to tell me I did something wrong instead of everyone else telling me. I don’t care if she yells at me just speak to me. Show me you give a rats ass about this fucking relationship and say something. Anything at all. She just sits by and watches as it torments me. She did the same thing at Ring Dance. And I didn’t do anything wrong there either. I think there’s a schedule I’m not seeing. When things start to go perfect or whenever she feels right she gets mad. I don’t know. Nor do I care. If she needs to be mad at me every once in a while to love me forever than I’ll wait for a few hour or days for that. I’d wait a thousand years for one with her. I just wish she would show she feels the same. It pisses me off when she can’t talk to me. What does that say about later? That she won’t be able to talk to me at all? Or only when she’s mad at me? Or will she always wait for a few days and make it hurt worse? She doesn’t care how I feel. If she did she would get the hell out of her comfort zone and call me. This time I’m not calling her. I’m sick of being the one who cares. This time she can show she cares….Maybe.
Today, this weekend, this week has been one of the best times I’ve had. It hasn’t been the easiest but it’s been the best. Lindsey and I have worked through a couple of big problems with no big deal (well maybe a broken finger) but no big deal. I’ve found some stuff out about myself that I don’t think I could have done with out her. I love her. That’s that. There’s nothing that will change it. No one that will intimidate me to think differently, there’s not enough time in the world to make it different. I love her. That’s that. I used to believe that you fell in love with one person one time. That was it. But then how come every time I see her I fall in love with her all over again. I also realized that when everything’s perfect she can tell me she’ll be with me forever. I want to hear it when things aren’t perfect. Maybe a couple of times when we’re not holding each other, whether it be physically or emotionally. This whole me liking Ashleigh deal is over. I mean today wasn’t exactly a perfect day but I know for a fact that this won’t be a problem again. I love Lindsey. I don’t want anyone different. I don’t want someone hotter, if there is someone. I don’t want someone smarter. I don’t want someone with a bigger butt, cuz damn! I don’t want bigger boobs and I don’t want a different personality. God made her for me, if there is a God. God made Lindsey Rae Baker, soon to change, For Jeremy CH Pianalto. That’s how it is. That’s how it always will be. I don’t see it changing. And it won’t. I think its funny how quotes don’t make sense until you live them. Like “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible” I didn’t get it until now. Until I’ve found that one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And that’s not even long enough. I want to spend the rest of eternity with her; Always and forever.
Love isn’t a game I intend on
playing. Romance isn’t a joke that makes life worthwhile. Passion isn’t
having sex, it’s making love forever. I know now
that I’ve found something in her eyes. Found something in her touch. There’s
got to be something in that feeling that I can’t explain when she reaches
out to touch me. I mean sure I’ve reached for girls’ hands before her but
that’s not what gets me; it’s when she reaches for my hand. I can’t explain
it. I can’t seem to find a description of that feeling in my stomach, in
my heart, everywhere.
June 2, 2003
There are so many things I want to say. So many things I’ve kept inside.
I just don’t have any reason to say them right now. But what if a reason
never comes up. What if I’m stuck with these feelings forever? Then
what? I love her more than anything. I can’t lose her now. I feel like
we’re growing farther apart. Like there’s something wrong with
me; with us. I just don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know
how to start. It’s almost as if she’s grown comfortable knowing
I’m not leaving. And I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t
want her to treat me as if I’m always going to be here….even
though I am. It’s like she can’t come out of her comfort zone
for me. I love her and I love the things that she does but I wish things
were a little different. Her mom’s another story. Her mom is always
in our business. It’s almost as if she’s jealous of what we have
so she tries to destroy it. I hate it. There’s no way I could live
like that. Why would someone do that? Why would someone try to ruin something
someone else has found? I love Lindsey more than anything. And I don’t
think I could stand to lose her. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
I love her….always and forever.
Kevin is a completely different story. Kevin has chosen Nikki over me and
that’s fine with me. I just wish he would stop trying to keep our friendship
alive when he doesn’t want it. It’s annoying and it’s pissing
me off. I think that he just wants someone there and Nikki is the only person
he thinks will stay. So that gives him the opportunity to ruin his life because
she could care less about him. If she did she would make him go to school
everyday…like Lindsey makes me. She would make sure he does his homework…like
Lindsey does me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk
to him and I’ve tried to make sure he does his work…which has
in turn caused me my work. I tried so hard to make sure that he goes to night
school. But does he care…no. Not at all. Well I’m at the point
where I don’t either. I don’t care about anything anymore. People
keep screwing me over….trying to make sure I don’t get anywhere….well
I’m done with that. I’ve given my heart to the one person worth
giving it to and I don’t ever want it back. She has it forever and
she always will. Lindsey Baker took my heart long before we started dating.
Probably that weekend at Eagle Eyrie. So how could I give my heart to someone
when Lindsey had it all of the time? How could I give something I didn’t
have control over? How could I ever love Gina when Lindsey had my heart to
love with.
June 4, 2003
Sometimes I wonder what love is. Is love an illusion messing with my mind or is it something more real than I’ll ever know? Is love a game or is it reality inside of itself? Is love work or fun? These were the questions passing over my thoughts when I was dating everyone else. Lindsey answered every one of them the first time she told me she loved me. Love is an illusion…but it’s and illusion I couldn’t live without. Love is something real…and it’s also a game as well as reality. Love is a whole lot of work…but the fun is what keeps me loving her. Love is when you want to stay in reality because it’s better than your dreams. Love is when someone walks around the corner and your heart jumps…Love is feeling something without a touch without a kiss and without sex. It’s feeling something by just thinking about someone. The thought of losing that someone tears at your heart everyday. The thought of something happening to them eats at you thoughts…and then at the moment you seem to think you can’t take anymore of the thoughts….She calls. She always calls at that moment. And every time you’re surprised because you love her. You’ll love her forever and always.
