this very well might be the last time i post an entry here
Mood:  mischievious
I have finally accepted the idea of some of my friends (ex Jessica) to no longer use this blog. I had sort of though about it on the weekend, and created a blog at a different place, not sure wether or not I'd use it. I'm still not sure. I might rotate between the two, or just stop using a blog altogether.

Its cool thinking about how much I've learnt from and about you guys and myself from reading my entries and your comments here. Some people who I thought were supporting friends just turned out to be wishy-washy friends who only came around when the weather was nice. And some people hid themselves afraid of what people would say if they knew it was THEM who had written a particular thing.

Then again, some things shouldn't have been said. And definitely on my part. I tried to be honest with my postings, but as expected from any human, was either brutally so or left out pertinent details of the stories. Of course, it saddened me to know "what people truly think of me". And why does everyone say "deep down inside you're great girl" and stuff? I know I am. Everyone is (except for the guys of course, who are great guys.. :p) Its not like I tried to be a witch on purpose. I let everyone comment, I let them bring me down. I let them destroy me. Heaven only knows what would've happened if I had been in the same emotional state I was in last November-January. Your comments honestly would've killed me. (And no, I'm not joking about that, the people who really know me know I hate when people joke about suicide and stuff like that....) Would some of you have been glad at me dying from your vicious stabs? I hope not, considering all of you were really close to me at some point (and then who knows what happened after that...?).

[And this is an aside comment, it doesn't totally fit in with the rest of the entry, though w/e. I'm so happy to say that Rachel and I are friends again, after all we've been through with each other. Don't ask why, even if you wanted to- its not your place to know. And another thing? Sam and I are buddies again. It makes me so happy, you and I were so close and then something happens and it fizzles away... :p tophats! nvm...]

Back to those anonymous comments. I reminded people several times that I can trace their computer. But still they posted their name as "unknown" and stuff like that. Seriously, I can find out a lot of stuff from just checking "information" when it asks whether or not I want to let your comment post. And it is dumb of me to post your comments when they degrade me. Oh well... That's enough about that...

I'm slowly rebuilding my life from grade 8. Last year was such a transition period for me. I went through so many things. A lot of them sucked, but more of them were awesome. I had to recreate friendships that had fallen apart years ago, discover what it was like to have "the painters in" (lol Kelsey) understand the "joy" of puberty etc etc. One of the worse things was my depression and (please don't deny that this never happened, because you weren't there... except for that one time when todd told me that kevin looked like a maniac) the thingie with Nathan Mark and Kevin....

But let's not dwell on the past. I'm working hard on rebuilding myself, and the distance between us seems to work. Keep in touch please, cuz I miss you guys no matter what.

Anyway yeah, this is probably my last entry here, even though I wanted to get to the blog's 200^th anniversary :p
*many hugs and kisses to you all*
--janessa
ps- good luck with life

i just came back from an hour long walk, and these are my thoughts
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Newsboys "Devotion" CD
Topic: what you need to know
-I acted like a witch, even though I tried not to.
-I led all those guys on, even though I thought I wasn't.
-I broke hearts, even though I didn't want to.
-I used my body as a weapon, even though I didn't realize it.
-I cried, without trying to.
-I started going out with Jason too soon, even though I thought a few days before it was still too soon.
-I've made mistakes, even though I never planned on making them again.

1- Why did I use my body? I don't know. I'm not full of myself about "how hott" I think my body is. I know its a good body because its healthy, and I don't compare myself with other girls. I can look at another girl and thing "gee she's pretty" but I still love my body. I only will ever have one, so I'm happy with the one God gave me! Am I trying to get attention from guys because of my body? I doubt it, because I like my body, so I don't need affirmation that its good- or do I deep down need it? Then again, maybe its that I want the guys to compare me to other girls and decide that I'm the best? No, still too weird. I was trying so hard not to use my body, and ask Amber, she wondered why I was so worried about not being a slut (ie I don't want to be a slut.).

2- Why did I lead these guys on? I think its maybe because I'd never had that much/that type of attention from guys. They all liked me, and thought I was great. And I liked them. So I didn't want to pass up a chance of being with THAT guy. I wanted all of them (haha greedy me) and didn't know any of them well enough to decide which I shouldn't be with. So instead of cutting them out one by one, I just let them come along. Stupid decision, I know. And I knew that at the time. No one confirmed my guesses that what I was doing was wrong. I tried putting myself in the guys' shoes, but that didn't help, because I didn't (and still don't) know what they saw/see in me.

What I don't understand is how everyone has to bash and insult me for my mistake(s?). They should have helped me along the way instead of wait and see what hole I got myself into. [And notice how almost no one comments on my blog until I've done something stupid or there's some scandal?]
However, I appreciate the way Sam spoke on my blog, and as well on hers. But Rachel? Sorry hunny, the only time you write on my blog is when you think I've done something stupid, and you never support me in the tiniest bit. I don't care if I'm screwing this up anymore, because I don't mean it in a mean way. I'm just telling you what I feel, and its impossible to argue with people's feelings. I can't argue with yours either. Just please try to make it more polite, because I remember being friends with you, and I kinda miss it.

I've figured out what to do. I hate it, but I hate other solutions even more. Break up with Jason, but I know excactly what I'm going to say to him, and what to do afterwards- keep away from guys for a while like Sam is. I tried so hard to wait long enough, but I realized when I was going to sleep last night, that I was wrong...

And so that is my revelation... Straight from the heart litterally. I don't think I can detail it any more without cutting my heart open and tearing it to pieces. (Such a nice analogie, eh?) So I'll leave you to simmer that around your brain
*hugs and tears*
--janessa

i'm exploding through my skin because i want to tell you, but i'm not going to give it away just yet.
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: whirr of the computer
Topic: just a regular update.
Wednesday was take your kid to work day. I thought I'd be a loner at Nortel, but when I was at the registration desk, I saw "Jake Garvey" on a name tag! I started freaking out, and it turns out he was right behind me in the line! I said hi and he said hi back but with a really evil look on his face. I'm SOOOOO proud to say that when I looked at him, I felt nothing! No attraction whatsoever! Yay! And then I saw Katherine in the line, and then Donovan, Dan and Nick.
Afte speaches from people, we split into groups (i was #12) and our group played Jeopardy first against two other teams. I felt so bad because I didn't go up to the podium at first and I knew almost all of the answers- at least we got second that round. I went up for round two but my knowledge (lol) didn't help much because they could never understand my whispering, and by that time the other teams had understood what i said or figured it out on their own. Then we watched 2 demos from guys and played a team building game. There were two really hott guys in my group, and one of them was flirting with me the whole time *laughs*
Then lunch, presentation by the parents in my dad's group, tour, watched Dad's colleageus work and then to dance.
I was doing pretty well in dance, but Mrs A singled me out for my crappy pirouettes. I had to do at least 10 en dehors pirouettes from fourth at least! But strangely it didn't bother me, I liked her finally pointing it out, instead of me just knowing it ... :p And I might quit my grade 7 ballet in the evening, because ending at 9:30 is too tiring for me...

Thursday I didn't talk to Jason much, but after school Nicole and Jamal were trying to get me to talk to Damon. Jamal in the end shoved me in front of Damon.
me: hey
D: hi
[talk for a few seconds about geo trip]
N: you guys are sitting together on the geo field trip (me thinking "what about jason?")
J: and just so you know, you guys are going out.
me: I don't think that'd work, the longest of our conversations was 30secs..
D: 2 actually (laughs)
[we talk about science class for a bit]
J: don't talk about school! It doesn't count!
D: its embarrassing...
me: yeah [me almost late for bus therefore I run]
In music class we watched some of "Amadeus" the movie in the lecture hall, and I was sitting on the floor beside Kaan. I had a feeling he kept on staring at me, and my suspicions were confirmed today in music when Julie told me that her and Coralyn noticed that he was checking me out almost the whole time!
Dance was really tiring today, but I felt confident I did better than normal (even though my grand jetes and countertemps were bad...). BTW, Mom almost quit voice lessons for me because I almsot never practise (for some reason I can't practise when other people are at home- that means only Tuesday evenings), but lesson yesterday was pretty good.
And I did tons of homework after dance *sleepy*

Friday (today) um... lots of stuff happened wow Okay, where to begin? French, nothing. Geo, nothing. Lunch? *rolls up sleeves and takes deep breath* So I was sitting with the same people again, and eventually Jason came and him me Quinn and T? (i don't remember his name, just that it starts with at t...) went for a walk.
Q: (to me and Jason) so are you guys going out yet?
J: no...
T: Janessa, do you like Jason?
me: thats an awkward question
T: well, Jason, do you like Janessa?
J: yeah...
me: yeah i like jason
T: why don't you guys go out?
J: (talks with T...)
Q: hey janessa (btw he is totally cute!) do you want to go out with me?
J: um, no
Q: aww why?
J: i don't know you. (he was the random dude on monday who asked if jason and i were going out.)
(more random talking)
T: janessa come here
me: fine
J: janessa, will you go out with me?
me: okay (and then he hugged me but his shoulder went in my neck so that hurt).
So yeah, I"m going out with Jason now! App. Damon doesn't care, but I don't totally know for sure about that. That's what Jamal says though... And Kaan does like me but he said "well she likes all those other guys too so..." I feel bad for him, cuz he's a really funny guy (and cute- please don't kill me for saying that Stephi lol) and I want to be friends with him. And as Sarah says (but this was about Damon...) theres always time for me to date jason for 2 weeks and then kaan.. lol. I hope that doesn't happen. Its just so weird for 3 guys to like me all at once, and them all being pretty good guys... WEird....

well, I'm tired of typing now, so I'll leave you in peace (?)
*hugs* and happy first weekend of november
--janessa
Please don't be hurt- I really don't want you to be! I don't know whether I should tell you, but I want to be friends with you for sure! PLease don't be hurt!

story in progress.... its sad
Mood:  a-ok
Barred inside the tiny space she called her room. No way to escape. The bone-chilling wind flew in through the window. Desperate for a way out, she grabbed a small container. Her tear stained face red with anger. A short note on a scrap of paper slipped to the floor. She opened the bottle.

"Finally!" She cried, swallowing pill after pill. Chugging her last ounce of water, she smiled. "They'll regret punishing me now! Once I'm dead, they are going to realize how dumb they were!"

She paused, understanding what she had said. She was going to die of her own cause. In the mirror, her eyes widened with fright. This wasn't one of those dramatic stories. This was real life. And if she didn't act soon, her life would end.

Reluctant but rushed, she screamed downstairs. "Dad, we've got to get to the hospital right away!"

In the hospital bed, she was given disgusted looks. Why was it her fault? She didn't want to admit her mistakes- how could it be all her fault? Being saved from her poison was difficult, and she was so confused by the thoughts going on through her head.

"Why are you here? Why couldn't you let yourself die, you worthless piece of crap?" "Stay alive, so many people love you" "Die child, you are nothing in the world".

Picking up her pen and a notepad, she took a deep breath. She needed to think clearly, to understand herself.

"Dear Camille,
I'm in the hospital. I tried to take my life again with an overdose of pills. I'm so scared, I don't understand anything that is going on. I just had to drink some charcoal to dry out the liquids in my stomach. I love you, you're my best friend. Don't leave me. I don't want to die, and I'm so frightened of what is going to happen to me. I feel so clausterphobic in this room. Why don't they believe me about anything? Why don't they smile? I need you with me now. Please keep me alive.
-Nicole

---

Okay that's my story. Its not all that good because I hadn't worked on it that long. So if you have suggestions/comments etc, please put them as your comment. lol. And I'll either have a regular blog entry today or tommorow... Lots has happened with Jason and Damon *giggles* But I'm not gonna hint anything! Okay, gotta get ready for dance now! Ciao!
*hugs*
--janessa
I feel so confused, what should I do? I don't want to lead you on, but I also do like you, such a comprimising situation. I don't want to feel like I'm just stringing you along in case it doesn't work out with him. I'm sorry beforehand, even though its HIGHLY unlikely you'd ever see this... Oh well

see me laugh but hear me cry
Mood:  not sure
Topic: just a regular update.
Choir this morning. We were all (i think...) puttin in some of our best efforts, but 20 minutes before parctice ended our energy died. Mr C addressed that subject in music last period... All the talk about sleep in that discussion made me want a nap. *sigh* I miss nap times!

French was boring as usual, but we got to read this really creepy horror story about this woman being the 13th wife of this baron, and it's so well written, omygosh! And in the middle she's trying to tell people that he's going to kill her or something but they just laugh and say that "we told her not to marry him- at least she's trying to prevent it" and then sit back and relax as the baron's 13th wife mysteriously dissappears, just like her predessesors. You'd have to read it yourself to feel the gravity of the situation, maybe its on the internet. Maybe I'll check sometime....

Geo was in the library again, and I kinda had the feeling Jason was stopping liking me. Julie said app. yesterday he was saying that this other girl was a 3000 on a scale of 1-10! My group worked pretty hard, i'm so proud of them lol amber "random attack!"

Lunch I sat with Julie and Mick and Gabby etc. I finally got to meet Jerod, but he was staring at me the whole time. Julie and Sarah told me that he does that to everyone, which made me feel better!

Science I got to talk to Damon a bit. He had had coolaid powder in a package, and there was a hole in it so everything fell on his desk. We started wiping it off, and I noticed there was red stained on the tips of 4 of my fingers. When I looked at Damon's hands, they were TOTALLY covered in it. Haha mine still hasn't come off- imagine him?!

In music Julie told me she had talked to Jason in their french class the period before. He said that he likes me a lot, and a lot more than any girl he's ever liked! *gasp of delight* And that he wants to go out with me exept he's grounded and stuff... He sent me that on email later today (including his phone number!), and it made me so happy. I responded saying my side (ie that i like him too, but since i live in barrhaven it'd be pointless to try to go on dates etc- not that i really want to go on dates, i still feel too young duh i'm 14!. i also gave him my number...) So hopefully it'll turn out for the best.
During music class we had the discussion about sleep/energy, had our C major triad test and then went back to the class to sing choir music. I get so annoyed from the other altos who can't sing their parts. Honestly, when its us in the class (ie minus the grade 10s) i can only hear me, Catlin and Polly! Its even worse when we split, cuz then I can only hear me and POlly, and the "high" altos can never find their notes! ERGH! And when us low altos (i have no idea why i volunteered to be in low alto- i CAN sing pretty low, but i can also sing fairly high...) sing with the baritons (guys) in one part of a song, the regular people can't figure out their notes. They should seriously practise and figure them out! There's a friggen performance tomorrow! Course, I'm not going cuz i'm going to the Take your kid to work day with Daddy, but w/e.

thats all i'd say. better go practise voice lesson stuff or mom'll kill me! lmao *hugs*
--janessa
Sorry, it's getting too late. The more you put it off, the less of a chance there'll be between us. Hurry now, you were my first choice for a while, so talk to me. I'm really not that scary! Please... It might be too late by Thursday...

happy halloween- i wish i could say the same for myself
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: nuttin. too po/d to play anything.
Topic: just a regular update.
This morning I wore my regular clothes to school, and then when everyone in the Drama Hall was wearing their costumes, I changed into my black cat stuff.
French was okay. We had presentations (my group's sucked, cuz i didn't know we would be reading from my VERY VERY messy copy....) and then got candy.
Geography was in the library, and the whole time Jason was being so touchy-feely with me. It was kinda weird. But still cute. And I don't mean like sexual harrasment, but like playful "banter" (hah that word is so weird!). I used to be so sure it was Damon, but now I'm wondering... And I busted my ass on the weekend for the geo project, and it turns out no one else in my group did their work! ERGH! So basically the whole period it was Jason and I "sneakily" trying to be near each other. Weird. Julie said he was/is really horny today.
At lunch I um... sat with the dancers and Julie etc. I didn't end up going to the costume contest (too lazy). Eventually I went to the practise room with ??? (i don't know his name, but he's cute!) Josh and Jason. The uknown dude eventually asked Jason and I if we were going out, and he was like "no!!!" as if it was the stupidest idea ever! Wasn't he the one who was bragging I'd be his gf soon? Auch guys!
In science we met our real teacher (ms gorsline is a sub), and she brought her new baby Nigel and some chocolate for us. She seems pretty cool! We did some random boring work that I'll forget by next week... And when I was talking to Victoria, Spencer and Ryan beside Damon, Damon barely looked at me. Exept when he thought I wasn't looking :)
Music we sang choir stuff, had a test on italian terms and got candy. Boring.
Hehe after school when I was walking past Jamal, he was like "run! damon's right there" loud enough for Damon to hear. I didn't have to run, Damon slowed down, even though he only said "bye see you tomorrow" after a minute. Jamal said that he had actually SHOVED Damon in my direction after school on Friday but "he's too much of a loser".
On the bus I was strangely hyper (well, lately i HAVEN'T been hyper, that's why its strange) and was complaining about how it can be hard to talk to ME. Like, I will talk for hours about nothing if I'm awake/not too lazy to do it!
And the reason I'm in a bad mood? (I was in a good mood until I got home...) No trick or treating cuz I'm "too old". No movie to occupy myself with. And I don't want to stuff my face with candy cuz then I'll gain a billion pounds. The only good thing was when Krystal Katherine Jessica Kelsey and Emily came to my house. They got their candy and left. *tear*tear*

Its so boring. I totally feel like I have no life. Oh well. Maybe I don't. And maybe I'll have Julie ask Jason tomorrow if he actually still likes me. And I'll initiate an actual conversation with Damon. And pig out on ice cream and TV and Habbo Hotel.
*hugs* happy halloween
--janessa
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I wish he hadn't done that to you, even though I don't know him. He's a butthead for discarding you like that- don't worry, you deserve better than him, even if you love(d) him.

a quick catch-up (i hope, for the sake of my unfinished science homework....) on a pretty autumn day
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: n/a
Topic: just a regular update.
Friday Krystal, Erin, Leila and I went to the Merivale dance (8-11pm) at 8:30. We stayed until 10:30pm and I was so tired when we got home. Its gross how many people were grinding. *gag* They seemed to either be having sex standing up and swaying to the beat or having anal [standing up]. Ugh. I swear I saw two guys grinding- and then one of them went off with a girl at the next song! I met a few people. The music wasn't that crappy. I felt so bad for Jacob, because he SORTA asked Krys to the dance, and he was the one of his guy friends who went to the dance, so he spent a lot of the time walking around staring at people.

Saturday I woke up, ate Kraft Dinner, went on Habbo Hotel (jmgypsy1) and email. Jessica, Katherine, Kelsey and I went to see Elizabethtown at the new Barrhaven theatre. It was a really odd movie, kbut not a total waste of my $9.95. I think Orlando Bloom should stick to fantasy type stuff. lol katherine "stroking" orlando!
Ryan and I went to "the gathering" which was a Christian Praise and Worship gettogether at the Corel Centre. We sat in the third row from the stage (on the ice, which felt so weird...). Most of the music was good, but some I didn't know at all. There were lots of very, how shall I say, charismatic people, which was kind of annoying at some points. And Craig was beside me, so whenever he lifted his arms in the air (which happened a lot) I almost died from his BO ugh.

Today was church of course. We didn't get christmas pageant scripts because the photo copier died. But I read through half of it, and it seems pretty good. We're doing "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever". I'm Immogene Hurdman, the one who's the bully and plays the part of Mary. I love that story, its so funny. Sadly, i have the second most lines- 35. Thats a lot for me, who sucks at memorisation. Jamie has the most: 45! I feel so bad for her, but I don't want to switch- if I can hardly memorise 35, how could i do 45? And its dumb because we practise EVERY FREAKIN Sunday during either Sunday School or Children's Hour. I'm only not practising in one of the slots one day, but I have to miss the sermon EVERY DAY!?!?!??! That is really dumb. I don't like that idea at all. Ergh.
After church the youth group had a food drive for the Ottawa Food bank. ITs about 1.5 hours for my community service. The afternoon was so pretty, so it was really nice to walk around. Aimee and I were together, and at one point Gabriel came with us. At one house, one of the ladies gave candy to Gabe and I, saying I was his big sister! That made Aimee feel very old... She would have had to have me when she was 17! lol poor her.
And since I got home, I napped for an hour (i only wanted to for about half an hour, but ....) and then went on the computer to do my homework. Once I finish this entry, I'm going to do my science homework ergh its a lot, because we were being too noisy/rambunctious in class on Friday.
And OMYGOSH! ITS HALLOWEEN TOMORROW! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

*hugs* and *friendly kisses* to all of you out there!
-janessa
I think I've chosen you, but I don't want to be a b*tch about the whole thing. Why do both of you have to like me? And why can't you talk to me?!

damon vs jason (lol freddie vs jason! .... nvm)
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: hmm... maybe i'll turn some music on!
Topic: my "luv life" update
So. New developpments, isn't that awesome? [TFK "rawkfist" is playing ! wooooootang lol thats a chs thing, you wouldn't understand wootang otherwise...]
Anyway, [omygosh Anya! our song is on! lmhao!] so Damon likes me. I made sure I said hi to him a few times today, so that eventually he'll stop being so shy and actually talk to me.
Time 1
[At lunch I was bored so I went outside. As I walked to the garbage can, I noticed Damon Jamahl and their friends were coming down the path. Once I was almost at the door, I waved to them and said hi.]
D: hey (waves)
J: go! (mumbles) aww damon you're a loser
me: *laughs quietly*
Time 2:
[I was going to Science at period three, and he came down the hall.]
D: so do we have science now, or later?
me: now. oh crap! i mean later!
[So then i ran to music and saw Jamahl on the way there who said he (Damon) must be waiting for me to make the first move. But you guys know me- I'm too lazy to do that!]
Time 3:
[Science class, doing an experiment- I was done and went up to him and Elias who were still working on theirs.]
Me: So is yours working?
D: yeah, finally. what about you?
Me: it took a while cuz Victoria-Cate isn't here today, but we finished 10 minutes ago.
D: oh.
[then there was something about Elias saying their resistor wasn't working or something, but I thought he said I was stupid. Oh well!]
Time 4:
[after science class, to lockers]
Me: hey
D: hey (smiles happily)
[at lockers, NIcole and Jamahl showed up. Nicole and I noticed that Jamahl kept on trying to get Damon to talk to me.]
N: hey jamahl
me: whats up?
J: not much (whispers) Damon get over here!
D: okay....
me: aww crap i'm gonna miss my bus!
N: me too
J: bye ... come on damon do it!
D: .... no....
[and that was the end of that...]
SO yeah, he likes me, but he's too shy. But there's something about him that just makes me tingle or something ... what does that mean?!

And Jason? We talk at school a lot more now, but I don't flirt with him so that possibly makes him think I don't like him. Luckily he knows I don't flirt anymore... and that I like him. Julie talked to him in geo, and he said he wants to go out with me, but is grounded so that wouldn't be that good.
Apparently during gym, he had been bragging that in the next few days, I'd be his girlfriend! Steven asked me in science if I was going out with him, and when I said no, he told me the whole story. Don't I have the right to decide? I mean, I definitely like Jason, but what if I don't want to go out with him? I still don't know him well enough. I don't want to gou out with him and then have to break up with him because I find out things that I don't like about him- for instance, I found out today he swears. A lot. Ugh. Dylan (not gowans) told me that most guys who swear a lot in high school either are doing drugs or will soon. But UGH! DON'T I GET A DECISION IN THAT!?!?!?!?!?!??!?

So yup, that is ma vie d'amour au moment. J'espere que ca va ameliore!
*hugs*
--janessa
Omygosh, I wish I had been at the jmss band concert on Wednesday instead of stayed home and done homework instead of seeing half the concert and then going to dance... Oh well. You guys all have to go next time, hopefully I can too! lmhao

the friggen most awesome day EVER!!!!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: nuttin
Topic: just a regular update.
I'll have to write this quickly because its 6:05 now and I have dance at 6:30... Anyway, as the title says, today was the most awesome day ever! My mood was totally random on the bus (lol Dylan and Marcus, my happy place!) and then I hung out near the winds music room with a variety (haha that sounds so weird!) of people. Including Jason lol *blush*- more on that later.
It was a half day so the periods were squished into 9-1pm. In french we um, did nothing except talked about the french play we went to see yesterday and corrected some grammar work. Geography we took notes (duh).
Then was "nutrition break". Haha Sophie and I walked around and then I sat near the gym with some of the dancers and Kat and Nicole and some of the guys. Oh Sarah was there too (she sat on my lap which was very awkward for my chest lmao). Jamahl was trying to get Damon to talk to me I think. ?! When I was going to my locker, Jamahl was there and here is our conversation:
him: i know you, you're the girl [who likes Damon]
me: no, actually i don't!
him: what? but everyone says you do...?
me: yeah, well, i don't know him well enough to like him
him: oh well, okay
me: why, does he like me or something?
him: i can't answer that question
So yeah... Then we had science, and we were doing an experiment with voltmeters and batteries and lightbulbs etc, and I was so stressed cuz I thought we had a test in Music about italien theory terms (cantabile, allegretto etc) and note names (tonic, sub-dominant etc). Then in music Mr Cas moved the test to tomorrow because so many of us had missed class yesterday because of the french play! We spent most of the period passing tests back and stuff.
Then we had to change into our choir uniforms. I said hi to Damon, and he looked really happy--?? Jamahl intercepted Nicole and I as we got to the bathroom, and asked us what we were doing, etc. I eventually asked him if he had told Damon that I didn't like him, and he was like "no, i just said he needs to talk to you more". To which I replied (haha love my fancy writing? *winks*) "okay, cuz i wouldn't want to break his heart. He does like me, right?" "yeah". Hah. I don't know if i haven't totally stopped liking him, or I'm just flattered. Eeeek!
Then we had choir... lalalla so we got out at 2pm, and Sarah, Emily, Brownwyn (? spelling ?) and a few more people sat near the strings room and sang choir songs while also being crazily (even by MY standards!) hyper.
My parent-teacher interview was at 3, so I walked my mom down to my bag after. Mme S says my only problems are I don't seem to get the conjugations (which won't end up being a huge mark) and it seems like i don't care about it !??! We went to Brio so I could get a new bodysuit for dance (its black, but really cool, I'm wearing it right now actually). Then voice lesson, now supper just happened... And dance in 15 minutes.
So, the Jason thing! *takes deep breath* So he likes me, and I like him. But we don't know each other well enough yet to let it progress to anything. And we haven't ever talked to each other about the fact we like each other. But there is definitely a connection. [haha the competition between him and Damon!]
Okay, thats all for now, sorry, g2g brush my teeth before ballet!
*hugs*
--janessa
How can you think its all about you? Its like you WANT to be blamed for doing what he did. What?

personal noteswith a bit of thoughfulness on the side....
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: TFK!!!!
Topic: random pointless stuff.
Don't even give me the chance to say yes. Keep your idea. Don't let me come. Something bad could happen. And I don't want to risk that happening. Too much would be at stake. Even if I want to come, I know something bad will happen. But I miss you so much, I want to see you again. Too bad it'd screw everything up.
No one should understand that. Or maybe SHE should. I know something bad will happen if I go to that party, no matter how much I want to see those friends again.

I saw you again today. It reminded me of how you said sorry. I'm so glad you did. I'll bet you didn't know I forgave you long before you apologized. I just hoped you would understand that what you had done was wrong. And I suppose you did. Don't go around doing that sort of thing! Much as I'd hate to admit it to other people, I've missed you. And I'm glad we're friends again. Don't drift off again.
Yes, I forgave him for what he did. And he said sorry to me at grad. And that was one of the best feelings in the world. I'm so happy he did that. Him and his friends can't go around doing what they did...

You called me a scumbag? Get a life. I thought you were my friend. But the whole time you seemed distant and backstabbing. The thing about your boyfriend and not trusting me with him? Hello, I dumped that guy for a reason! I'm not the kind of girl who tries to steal someone's boyfriend! But if you didn't know that, I suppose you don't know me very well. I liked you better in grade five when we were really close. But last year you threw yourself at guys, spesh when they weren't yours... A word of advice- don't do that.
The "scumbag" part obviously shows which girl this is about. Sorry hun. But that was something you needed to know.

You ruined me for a while. Why? Ignoring me then expecting me to stay on with you. Not for a second! And then the harrasment? Grow up. You can't go around treating girls like that. Its not like most of them enjoy it. You should've gotten the picture from my saying "please stop". But you didn't. And then when I told someone, you hated me. Joined in on all the insulting me. I thought we had become friends by then! I don't hate you. I never have. You messed me up, but I can thank you for it. Somehow you brought me closer to what I had been searching for in the beginning.
Which guy am I talking to? Duh... Its obvious i'd say...

Last year was so weird. I was totally discovering myself. I'm not proud to say this- I almost died a few times that year. By my own hands. Ever wondered why I get quiet when someone starts talking about suicide? I think about how I almost wasn't alive to hear someone say that. My last attempt was January, a week after I turned 14. That was the time I seriously could have died. Huge overdose of pills. Anya, thanks for being there for me to heal then- I seriously don't know what I'd have done without you. But I don't know why I'm writing this on my blog. I don't know why I'm thinking about it at all. I don't want to. And I don't know why I'm not going to erase it all and pretend it never happened. Because it definitely did. And don't think I'm bragging or ashamed. I'm not. This is the pure truth. It shaped part of me today. While I still may get crazy hyper usually, there's the serious part of me that is crying from all the mistakes I made last year. I had a lot of firsts, and some of them wrecked friendships (you know who you are and what I mean). I don't regret them, I just wish I hadn't done them for those reasons and so quickly without thinking. But what's past is past. All I can do now is help people not fall into those ruts like I did.

--janessa