Adventures of Miguel
January 7Today I visited the Crane mansion. I thought it would be fun to visit with Ivy and gossip about the folks in Harmony. Ivy seemed a little grumpy. I’m not sure why. We stood at the door for about 15 minutes. I think she forgot to invite me in, so I walked in and sat down. Ivy seemed grumpier after that. I told her about my love and devotion to Charity Schnookums, and she told me to get a life. Heehee. That crazy Ivy - always joking around. I talked to her a bit longer but then she said that she had to clip her toenails, so I would have to go. I promised Ivy that I would be back to visit soon. She didn’t seem very happy about that, but I think that it was only because she had an ingrown toenail. I can’t wait to visit my friend, Ivy, again.
January 12
I went back to the Crane mansion to visit Ivy today, but she wasn’t there. The Cranes don’t lock their doors so I just went on in and made myself at home. I ran around naked for awhile, but then I got cold. I tried to find my clothes, but I forgot where I took them off. I heard my mom coming so I ran upstairs into Ivy’s room. She had lots of pretty dresses so I decided to put one on. Wearing my pretty dress, I went downstairs where I ran into Julian. He seemed to like my dress too. He wanted me to go to his library to play pirate. I told him that I didn’t have my pirate costume, and I asked him if he wanted to play Battleship or Checkers instead. I don’t think he liked those games because he seemed frustrated and he went to have a drink. I decided to leave the crane mansion, but I know I will go back because I have to return Ivy’s pretty clothes.
January 17
Luis gave us good news today. He has saved up enough to take me, mama, Theresa and himself to the Bahamas for vacation. Theresa and I were very excited and we decided to go bikini shopping. I was really upset when we got to the store, though, because I realized that I still had my winter weight issue to deal with. I had gained about 80 pounds since October and I just didn’t feel sexy enough to try on bikinis. Theresa called me a silly goose and told me not to worry. It was very nice of her, but it hurt my feelings when she put on the bikinis and frolicked around. She’s skinny and I am not and it is not fair. Today was a bad day.
January 21
I haven’t been able to write in my diary for the past few days because I’ve been in the hospital. It all started on January 18th, when I told Charity about my weight issues. I told her that I felt bad about myself, and that I didn’t feel sexy anymore. Charity agreed that I was gross and ugly. Then she called me a fat cow and punched me in the head. I know she doesn’t mean it when she hurts me this way. I love her still, my little Charity Schnookie Wookums. So anyway, I had to spend a few days in the hospital, and I ended up missing the family vacation to the Bahamas. Theresa promised she would take lots of photos for me, though, and she said she would bring me back a snow globe. I don’t think there is snow in the Bahamas, but I didn’t want to argue with her. I am sad that I missed the family vacation, but at least I still have my little Charity Schnookies.
January 25
I’ve been at home for a few days trying to heal and today I decided that I will go to the Bennett house. Since I was unable to eat after my injury, I’ve magically lost all my winter weight. I think this was Charity’s plan. She did it to help me to lose the weight and not to hurt me. I love her. The bruises on my face weren’t fading, and I didn’t feel attractive, so I thought I would go and ask Dr. Russell for advice. I knew that Dr. Russell would be at the Bennett house, because at any given time all of the citizens of Harmony are at the Bennett house. When I got there I rang the doorbell and I was greeted by Mrs. Bennett and Dr. Russell. They were wearing pretty dresses and for a moment I forgot about my bruises. I asked them why they were so dressed up and where I would be able to get a pretty dress like theirs. They laughed at me and said they were going to the Lobster Shack. Dr. Russell noticed my bruises and said that she had a cure. She went and got a pretty pink sheet and covered me with it. She said that was the cure she used when TC’s temper got out of control and he hurt her with his love. I think Dr. Russell and I have a lot in common, we both love people who hurt us for our own good. I really liked the pretty pink sheet, but Dr. Russell and Mrs. Bennett kept trying to cover my face. They said it was for my own good. Then they asked me to leave. So I did.
February 2
Today is Groundhog Day!! It is my most favourite day of the year! Theresa and I got up very early and exchanged Groundhog Day presents! I got her a year’s supply of kleenex because she always seems to be crying! She got me some shiny pink lipstick, some fake eyelashes, and some purple eyeshadow! She says that someday she will teach me how to look like a whore too! I can’t wait! We went outside to find a groundhog!! We found one in the backyard and pulled it out of its hole. He did not see his shadow, though, so I think that spring is coming soon!! Yay! Theresa and I played outside and drank yummy hot chocolate. Then we brought the groundhog inside and gave it to mama. All day Theresa and I sang songs about groundhogs and spring. It was fun. I love groundhogs!! Before we knew it, it was dinner and mama had prepared our traditional groundhog feast. Roast groundhog, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, and peas. It was the most fun groundhog day ever! I love groundhog day!!
February 8
I was outside playing in the sandbox today. It was lots of fun. It made me really tired though, and I decided to go inside for a nap. I was very surprised when I went in my room and found Kay naked in my bed. I asked her what she was doing there and she told me that she had accidently fallen through my window and her clothes had fallen right off. That made sense to me because it happened to me before. Kay seemed to find my bed really comfy and she invited me to join her. I thought that would be ok, so I got into bed. I think I must be sick because I started to feel all funny when Kay started to touch my special places. I told her she would have to go because I thought I was catching the flu. Kay seemed upset, but she left. I felt better after she left. And my naughty bits stopped tingling.
February 14
Today is Valentine’s Day. I bought Charity some chocolate and some flowers and a card that said, “I WUV YOU”. Charity gagged when she saw it. I think she’s coming down with something. Charity bought me some balloons. They look like my special place. She thought they were funny, but I did not understand. Charity and I went to the school dance. I borrowed Theresa’s pretty red dress. Charity said I look like a ho in it. She wore a pretty purple dress. Charity said I am a loser and she made me wear a funny hat. Charity said she was a princess and she got to wear a pretty tiara. I was jealous. Charity said she wanted to play hide-and-seek. She hid and I could not find her, but I had lots of fun dancing by myself.
March 1
Today I went back to the Crane mansion because I haven’t seen Ivy in months. I really miss her and our talks. She wasn’t there AGAIN, but I found Gwen in the living room and we had a gossip session. From what I can tell, Gwen and Theresa are really good friends. She kept talking about how she was going to ‘get Theresa’. I kept asking her, ‘get Theresa what?’. I think she must be planning something really big. I think its really nice that Gwen spends all her time thinking about Theresa and Ethan. I talked to Gwen about my Charity Schnookums. Gwen seemed worried about my scars and bruises but I assured her that Charity knew what was best for me and that our love was sacred. Gwen said that she would be there for me if I ever decided to leave Charity. Then she reached for my special place. I think her hand just slipped. Gwen is my new best friend and I think I will go visit her again. I think I will talk to Charity tomorrow about what Gwen said. I think Charity will understand.
May 25
I just woke up from my coma. I don’t really remember anything except saying, ‘Charity, I think you need to be more gentle with me’. Then I kind of remember a fist coming towards my face. I don’t think my coma has anything to do with Charity though. I must have just fallen into her fist.
May 26
I am still in the hospital. I keep over hearing conversations between Kay’s Uncle Hank and some strange French men. They talk about drugs and Sheridan Crane. I hope Sheridan Crane is not on drugs. She is a nice lady.
May 27
This morning I heard Hank talking about killing Sheridan. They can’t kill the nice lady. I think I will have to do something.
May 28
Hank said that Sheridan will die in two days. I have to save Sheridan or else Luis will be very sad.
May 29
I am leaving the hospital today so I can put my plan into action.
May 30
I killed the drug dealers today! I went to the Crane mansion and got one of Ivy’s pretty dresses. I found a wig in Julian’s library. I’m not sure why the wig was there, but it was very pretty. I put on my costume and went to the wharf. When Luis was not looking, I threw Sheridan in the water and took her place. I was very scared, but I knew that I would be a hero and my Charity Schnookie Wookums would be happy. As the drug dealers got closer, I decided it was time to act. I pulled up my skirt and flashed my naughty bits at them. Both of them dropped dead. It was the most proud moment of my life.
June 17
I have been very busy lately. I have been on TV and on the radio and in the newspaper. Charity was very jealous and she loved me so much that she left me. I was very, very sad. But I decided I should go to the prom anyway. Mrs. Bennett finally told me where she got her pretty dress and I went and bought my own pretty dress. Theresa did my hair and make-up. I felt very sexy. While I am writing this, I am at the Crane mansion. Julian had been chaperoning the prom and he told me that he finally wanted to play Battleship with me. When I got to the mansion he gave me some clothes to change into. He said they were special Battleship clothes. Julian is in the bathroom getting ready for the game. He says that if he loses, he has to walk my plank. If I lose, I have to walk his plank. I have never played Battleship this way, but it sounds like fun.
June 18
Julian and I had lots of fun playing Battleship.