Nikki’s funeral was held two days later. The church was filled with family and friends, all sharing in the grief of the lost girl. Abby stood up and delivered the eulogy. Brian and Nick, along with the other three members of the Backstreet Boys sang a beautiful version of “Amazing Grace.” Over all it was a beautiful ceremony.

The days following the funeral were pretty uneventful. Abby didn’t leave the house, and she took those days off from work, not sure if she would even be able to go back. She stayed quiet and wandered around the house aimlessly. Sasha could only watch and wish that she could help.

Brian called a few times, but Abby never really felt like talking. He said he would come by, but she told him not to because she wouldn’t be very good company. He just wanted to make sure she was okay. He would ask, and she would say that she was hanging in there. His heart went out to her, and he was started to feel closer to her, more connected.

Against Abby’s wishes, Brian went to visit her after a week. She was lying on the couch staring at a blank TV screen when he got there. Sasha left to go grocery shopping and to get other things that they needed around the house while Brian was there.

“Hey you,” he said sitting on the edge of the couch near her feet.

“Hey.”

“Why are you looking at the TV when it’s not even on?”

“I had music playing, but the CD ended and I just haven’t gotten up to change it yet.”

“Ohh, okay. I guess that makes sense. No offence Abby, but you look like shit.”

She glared at him. “Thanks Brian, I appreciate that. And just so you know, I feel like shit too.”

“How about you go hop in the shower then I’ll take you out to get something to eat.”

“I don’t want to go out to eat.”

“Then we can bring it back here.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Abby, you have to eat. Please?” he said, running a finger down the bottom of her foot. She kicked him, and he laughed. “At least pretend like you’re eating.”

“Fine,” she said, throwing the blanket at him and storming off into the other room.

Brian flipped through the channels on the TV until she came back out. She looked a lot better, and he smiled to himself. They picked up food from a Chinese restaurant and brought it back to her place to eat. Brian dove right in, obviously starving while Abby picked at her food and took little bites every now and then.

“So, when are you going back to work?” he asked trying to start up a conversation.

“I dunno… I might not go back…”

“What? Why not? I thought you loved your job.”

“I do… I did, but it will just be too hard. I don’t think I can do it.”

“Abby, you can’t quit.”

“And why not?”

“Because, you just can’t. Those kids look up to you, and I know they look forward to you coming to see them. You brighten their day by giving them a friend and a big sister. If you quit now, they’ll think you’re giving up on them.”

For the first time since the funeral tears stung in Abby’s eyes. “I’m not giving up on them, but it just feels like I’m not doing enough. It feels like I could have done something to help her, and I failed by watching her die.”

Brian pushed his plate to the side and reached across the table taking a hold of her hand. “Abby, don’t blame yourself for Nikki’s death. It wasn’t your fault. She was sick, and you did your best to make her life better during the time she had left.”

“I promised that I would take care of her…”

“And you did that. It was her time to go, and nothing you could have done would change that. You can’t blame…” Brian stopped, pulled his hand away from hers and sat back in his chair.

“What? What is it?”

“I know what you’re going through… When Elizabeth died, I did nothing but blame myself, and to this day I still feel like I did it. I’m the one that killed her.” He looked down at his hands, not meeting her gaze.

“Why do you think it was your fault?” Abby asked, noticing the change that had all of a sudden taken over him.

“Because it was. We were in my old car, and I was driving. She kept playing this hideous music and it was just driving me crazy,” Brian chuckled at the memory. “I asked her to reach into the back seat and grab my case of CD’s. She couldn’t reach them with her seatbelt on, so I told her to just take it off real quick and grab them, and she did. That’s when the other car came into the picture. I didn’t even see it until it was too late, and we were smacked across the road into a tree. I only bumped my head and hurt my arm a little bit, but Liz was jammed between the seats…” Brian’s chin began to quiver and he fought back his tears. Abby was the second person that he had ever told the whole story to, besides the police officer that questioned him about the accident. “She died about an hour later in the hospital.”

“Brian, that wasn’t your fault. It was just an accident.”

“No Abby. If I hadn’t told her to take her seatbelt off then she would have been fine.”

“How do you know that? You have no idea what else could have happened to her if she was still in her seat. Did you get arrested for murder?” Brian shook his head no. “Did anyone come up to you and say ‘Brian, it’s your fault that she died’?” He shook his head again. “So, no one blamed you except for yourself when clearly it was an accident.”

He stood up and walked over to the sink, swallowing hard. He rubbed his stinging eyes and stood for a moment trying to get his head to stop spinning. “I’m sorry I went off like that…”

Abby got up and walked over to him. “Don’t apologize. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me.”

Brian turned around and she was right there. “You can’t blame yourself for Nikki’s death anymore… you just can’t. You have to stop.”

“And you have to stop blaming yourself for Elizabeth’s death. I want to see that sparkle in your eyes all the time. I want you to be able to smile and laugh without it quickly fading away. It’s okay to mourn for a little while but there comes a time when you have to move on and look to the future. The past is the past and no matter how much you beat yourself up, or deny yourself any happiness, it’s not going to change things. Elizabeth will still be gone. Nikki will still be gone. And we will still be here, moving on in their memory.”

Brian stared into Abby’s eyes, seeing intensity and a fire that he’d never seen there before. She spoke the truth, and she spoke it with love. Before Brian could stop it, and before it even registered in his mind that it was happening, he kissed her. It was soft at first as they got used to the feel of each other’s lips, but seconds later Brian had his hand on the back of her neck with his thumb stroking her cheek, pulling her closer. It took a few moments before the fog cleared and the alarms started going off in Brian’s head. He broke away from the kiss and moved back.

“I’m sorry…” he said licking his lips and trying to get his breathing steady again.

“Don’t apologize…”

“No, I’m really sorry because I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Abby.” Before she could say anything, Brian walked out of the kitchen. She went out just in time to see the front door close behind him.