Friday, 6th September
Well, what a week.I went to the doctor last Friday and she has put me back on anti-depressants which is fine by me! The female check-up was not as bad as I expected and things seem OK there. My cholesterol has plummeted from 8.0 to 7.8!! Need some work there. My iron levels have risen a tad but are still low.
After having my annual leave knocked back I asked to drop a shift a fortnight. This was also greeted less than enthusiastically and the six weeks it would be before I could drop the shift seemed like eternity. I was feeling really fed up and miserable by this stage and was talking to one of the senior nurses about it. Unbeknownst to me she went to the Unit Manager and suggested that he do something or he would lose me. the upshot is that in a fortnight I will be working 7 shifts a fortnight. And I can pick up extras if and when I feel I can cope. Much happier.
Wednesday was my birthday and I worked an early. I had a lovely day (topped off with being told I could drop the shift!) and then went out for dinner with the family. I was spoiled rotten and had a wonderful time.
Yesterday I had my first Pilates session. Very strange but I think I will enjoy it. Then I had a program run through at the gym. Throughout these activities I was feeling rather lumpy and frumpy and was worried that the new washing powder had been shrinking my T shirts. HAH!!!!!!! I'm going out shortly to see a movie and have dinner with my bestest friend and my new (ish) denim skirt don't fit no more! String Bean: "Mother, what HAVE you DONE!!??" Me: "I think I've eaten too much" SB: "What are we going to do with you. I'm very disappointed in you"
What AM I going to do? I'm sitting here in my fat suit, waiting to go out, feeling shitty. I guess I need to rethink the on/off the diet thing a bit more. Oh, well. As the depression lifts I'm sure things will improve. I am feeling less of a need to eat to fill the emotional hole so here's hoping things will settle down soon.
Tuesday 10th September
I had a lovely time on Friday. We saw "About a Boy" and I really enjoyed it. I'm not a fan of Hugh Grant but the other characters made up for him! Then we went for a meal at the local pub. A great girly evening.
Saturday I spent my birthday cheque from my parents and we had a pleasnat pottery weekend. We went to the gym on Sunday and my muscles are still aching. A good sign, I guess. The eating and drinking hasn't been the best (mainly the drinking, I'm sad to say) but I have to keep reminding myself NOT to try to fix everything yesterday.
I caught up with an old uni friend yesterday and that was great. Comparing notes about our different areas of nursing and generally catching up.
I was meant to be going out with another friend tomorrow after work but she has just rung to cancel due to family hassles.
String Bean has made me my very own web page and it looks great. It is linked with his, though, and I'm a bit wary about using it at the moment because my parents have his address and I would hate for them to read a lot of what I write. For that matter I don't think I would want String Bean's friends to read what I write either. Well, not to be able to identify the author, anyway! I shall let you know what I decide.
It's 10.00 am. I'm still in my jammies (as usual!). I had plans to go to gym but ended up on the phone with my family hassled friend for a good while. I've made a lasagne for the family tonight and am working this afternoon. I still get panicky when I make plans that I feel I have to fulfill. Hopefully the medication will kick in properly soon and things will settle down. The grog ain't helping and I'm aware of that. Poor coping strategies again.
Off to do something consructive .... like curl up with the cat and read.
Catch you later .... when work permits.
Friday 20th September
Sorry I haven't been in here for so long, peoples. I have been struggling a bit with things and life has been a bit overwhelming. It is now 3 weeks since I started on my antidepressants and I can finally say that I am feeling better. I still have anxiety attacks but am learning to be gentle with myself.
Himself has been unwell again, String Bean and The Drummer attempted to beat the shit out of each other a couple of evenings ago and I badly sprained a finger trying to pull them apart. I had another couple of tattoos done on Tuesday - 3 little forget-me-nots on my wrist to remind me of my kids (as if I'd ever forget them!) and a flower under the butterfly on my boob. Tattoo queen, that's me! I went with my friend from work and she had a heart done on her back and her fourleaf clover darkened. She and her partner are doing WW and we got talking. So as of Wednesday I'm semi-officially-vaguely-definitely-as-long-as-I-don't-think-about-it-too-much doing WW again, too! They weigh on Monday and I will too and we can compare notes when we catch up at work. Helps to have someone keeping an eye on you with all the chocolates and goodies around. It also means that I haven't had a drink for two nights and I must admit I feel so much better.
Must fly, lunch and dinner to make and then off to work. Will try and write a more detailed update next week, school holidays permitting!!
Tuesday 24th September
Happy Birthday, The Kid. I can't believe that 14 years have passed. We bought him a beaut new bike which he loves (so he should at the price .. lol ... ) and he, The Drummer and I went to the movies and saw A Sum of All Fears. Love Tom Clancy. His plots had always been a bit far fetched until September 11. Nuff said.
String Bean is still plodding along. I hope that he can get his act together before his exams. It is so hard trying to grow up and study at the same time. He has huge self-esteem issues which have always been there but are now causing him some major problems. I wish he understood that whatever he does we will always love him.
You know how it is. You walk into a shop, supermarket, wherever and someone says "Hi, how are you?" and you reply "Fine, thanks" or "Terrific" or "I'm great, thanks". And inside I just want to cry. I feel that there is something deep inside that is eating my very soul. I can picture it. Every day the cavern gets bigger and bigger. On the outside I'm still the person that people are used to seeing and interacting with and I play the part "I'm great, thanks". But the hole gets larger. And one day I fear that it will get so large that my external facade will crumble away. I know that most of my eating and drinking issues at the moment are futile attempts to fill the void. The anti-depressants have helped but they don't seem to be touching the anxiety. Time to go back and see my friendly doctor, I guess.
The Kid and I are going to Tassie in November. Gorgeous Stepson has organised a convertable for us to drive whilst we're down there. The weather should be good and we will have a ball. We are flying into Launceston and driving down the middle to Hobart, stopping on the way as we feel like it. Then three days in Hobart and we plan to take in the Cadbury factory (the main reason for going, according to The Kid!), the Huon Valley, probably Port Arthur and whatever else takes our fancy. Four days just him and me. If that ain't bonding with your son I don't know what is!!!!
Most of my favourite journals are very quiet at the moment. I hope that everyone is well and happy. And houses are selling and moves are going smoothly and families are well and work and weddings are all going as planned.
'Til next time...
Thursday 26th September
We went out for dinner last night to celebrate The Kid's birthday. A very pleasant family evening.
Still feeling fragile. My favourite place is my bed with my cat. I feel safe there.
Just a quick update. Work for the next 4 days. Will write more next week when I hope things will be on the improve. I can't keep running on empty.
