The first day of winter and it's supposed to reach 23°! That's ridiculous. The nights have been very cold but the days are beautiful, warmer outside my icebox of a house than in it.

I'm really jumping the gun a bit here. Tomorrow, when it actually is Tuesday, I'll do some more, I hope and fix up the latest entry code etc. I'm really just getting the page ready.

Now it is actually Tuesday and a lovely day it is too. Not that I've seen too much of it. I woke about 5:00 and snoozed till just on 7:00. I was nice and warm, changed last night to my lovely winter PJs with TweetyPie all over them. I put on slippers and a gown and came downstairs to check mail. That was a mistake. I was on the computer like that till almost 10:00. I always have a shower and get dressed early. To be still in PJs at that hour is extremely unusual, but I was comfy and cosy. So I've now showered, washed my hair, dressed and eaten breakfast which is more like brunch at this time of day.

I feel a bit better this morning, although I still woke up feeling apprehensive about something, but I don't know what it is. Horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We had BBQ leg chops last night and I did salad and some potato for my husband. Then we had the pears in red wine sauce which were delicious. It must be at least 10 years since I did anything like that. We hardly ever eat dessert so it was something special. The merlot made the most beautiful dark crimson sauce, almost like quinces. Speaking of which, I must buy some now it's the right season for them. Stewed quinces, quince paste, quince jam etc.

I've been finding exercise hard lately too. I've done something to my knee and it doesn't appreciate either walking or cycling. It feels as if I should just be able to click it back into place, but that doesn't work, of course. It hurts when I come down stairs too, so I've been thinking carefully before I come down to make sure I bring anything I'll need.

I'm fed up with thinking about a variety of different evening meals. Perhaps I'll go all old fashioned and bring back meat and three veg. for a month. I am not a great meat eater, so don't think I could cope with that regime at all. Even my mother was quite an adventurous cook when I was young, so I've always lived with interesting food. And now it's showing, of course. LOL. Not that mum had money to splash around, but she cooked well and wasn't afraid to try what was then called "foreign" cooking.

I've added a comments section below. It won't work quite the same as in a blog where there are separate, specific entries unless I manually add it each entry to that entry. Any way, if you feel like telling me to get real or whatever, I'll have an experiment with this.

Friday, 4th June

Another lovely day here but we desperately need rain. We had a bit on Wednesday night and about 30 minutes yesterday morning and then it vanished. I spent yesterday minding Tora who is nearly two.

After she woke up from her sleep, she came out to me and was quite puzzled as Sam had been there when she went to bed. "Daddy, work. Andoo,(Andrew) 'cool. (school.) No mummy." And she held out her hands in a dramatic sort of gesture. Talk about a drama queen. I told her that mummy would be back soon and I could hear her reassuring herself for the next 30 minutes that mummy would be back soon. Strangely enough, when Sam did return, Tora was pleased but not as much as I thought she would be.

Sam drove me home and I was getting dinner ready when I realised I was starving. Then I thought about what I had eaten. Not good. I could remember three biscuits and a slice of bread since breakfast. Sugary biscuits and white bread at that. All high GI with no staying power. I had given Tora a proper lunch and not fed myself! I just hadn't thought about it. When I go there again, I might take a small pouch of tuna or something I like. There's always food there, but I'm never sure what to use. So we had chicken cacciatore and rice for dinner and we each had half a pear which was left over from the other night when I poached them in red wine. I had only a small serve of the chicken and it was really more sauce than anything else, so I was quite hungry again this morning. I fixed that with a bowl of Healtheries Bircher muesli. It's quite a bit dearer than many other brands, but I really enjoy it and it's quite low GI. Hopefully it will "stick to my ribs" for a while.

A friend was discussing how we cope with stress. She uses alcohol, although she knows it doesn't really help in the long run. I don't do that, it wouldn't work for me although I do enjoy both wine and good beer. I tend to withdraw into myself away from others when I am stressed. And that's just as unhealthy, in a different way, to too much grog. And sometimes I scratch. I recognise now that this was something I saw my grandmother do. She alwys had scabs fron scratching. Sometimes I know I'm doing it, other times it's quite unconscious. DILs have told me more than once to stop when they have noticed it. And when I say scratch, I mean SCRATCH. I can quite easily draw blood before I discover what I am doing and I scratch in my sleep too. Many times I wake up with horrible marks on my arms from scratching in my sleep. I changed the sheets this morning and found drops of blood up near where my shoulders would be, so I checked. Sure enough, I've been doing it again.

Meditation helps and I must get back into that. I have also been knitting a lot lately and when I was doing the more complicated bits, it was almost like meditaion, but just sitting there counting stitches.

SIL's mother managed to get her own doctor to call and he pursuaded her to get a palliative care nurse who starts today. He also gave her a diuretic because she is now so bloated but she doesn't think it's working. The doctor told her mother that this form of cancer is very prolonged. He doesn't know her history, but estimated she had no more than three months left, probably not much more than one month. I know this is one cause of my stress, although it's more my brother and nephew that I worry about.

I'd better get something out of the freezer or there'll be nothing to eat at dinner. Curry sounds nice. I think I might make vindaloo.

Monday, June 7

Another beautiful day after a fairly chilly night. It went down to -8° at Goulburn last night. I didn't realise how cold it was at first because I had the heater on in my study. When I went into the lounge room, I froze. Like an icebox in there. I warmed up this afternoon by doing the ironing which I've been neglecting. It's just such a mindless type of activity. I didn't quite get to the end of the shirts, but made a fair dent in the number there. I even ironed the last of my really summery stuff which has been in the basket for several weeks now.

For a couple of weeks I have had a very sore knee. I think it has been swollen in spots and it has been quite difficult to bend it. Very painful on the stairs and moderately sore most of the time. Consequently, I've done almost no exercise recently. Today I got on the exercise bike and started off fairly gingerly. It wasn't too bad so I did about 10 minutes which I know is really minimal but it's more than I've been doing for at least two weeks. I thought I'd better stop then as I was beginning to feel it in the knee. I'd rather do less than be back to square one tomorrow. That was a few hours ago and it doesn't feel too bad now so I mught try a bit longer tomorrow.

It was really mild here today after the cold morning so I had an enormous salad and a few Saltines for lunch. I've drunk heaps of water and generally eaten well. Now to add another reasonable day to it tomorrow.

Sister-in-law has been taken to hospital. My brother said she looked dreadful at the weekend when he went to see her at her mother's. Looked much worse and her face is starting to fall away and she had a vacant look in her eyes which reminded him of Dad before he died. She's very bloated because the liver can't get rid of waste products and process others. She's in some pain but is also very uncomfortable with the bloating. She made the decision to go to hospital to see if something could be done about that. Most of the rest of us think that the promise of help here is more like a ploy to get her into some proper medical care. We'll see. My nephew has been crying all the way back from seeing his mum each weekend, but didn't this time. I don't know whether that means he is more accepting of it or whether he thinks that being in hospital will make her better. He still clings to the fact that she has always insisted to him that she is getting better.

I realise now that there is also somethng else which goes with the scratching I mentioned before. I suffer from psoriasis which becomes worse in winter and at the change of the seasons. Two things together this week. It shows itself as nasty, large, scratchy scabs particularly in my hair, but it can spread to eyebrows, ears and forearms. Psoriasis is in itself related to stress so it seems I just can't win. My ears have been driving me crazy today. They've been so itchy but the hearing aids haven't helped at all. My knees and particularly my elbows are very scaly and the elbows get infected really easily. The scaliness is another symptom of it.

My sister gets it as well although she is OK at the moment. Her immune system is deficient as a result of the removal of glands and also as a result of the cancer treatments which she had had herself. She developed an extreme form of it. She was sent to an immunologist who told her it was the worst case he'd ever seen and it would take 2 years for her to recover. She was given a drug which is given to transplant patients to stop them rejecting the transplant. For two years she took 8 times their normal dose every day and had only lukewarm baths, no showers. She's not allowed use any chemicals and has to stick to QV lotions, moisturisers and shower wash stuff. He was right about the time, it was almost to the day. At least I'm not like that, thank goodness.

And on this cheerful note, I'll finish for now. Very poor sleep last night, so will go to bed early tonight.

Monday 14th June

A full week between entries is pretty bad, but actually none of it is my fault. Last Tuesday morning our net access went down and stayed down. We were finally able to work out that our hardware firewall and our network hub had both died, probably as a result of a power surge. Computers are on a totally separate circuit with surge protection so they were OK. Then we had to wait for #1 son to dig out some more equipment and come and instal it. That takes us till late Saturday. Then my husband downloaded an absolutely massive amount of mp3 stuff for a friend and stuffed up our bandwidth and download allowances. As a result we are basically back to nothing and I've been unable to get in here at all, despite trying a couple of dozen times. I could hardly believe it when I managed to sneak in now.

It's a beautiful day for a holiday Monday and very mild. I got washing dry, even after putting it out late. However, I'm down in the dumps. SIL has finally been taken to Calvary Hospice after a massive haemorrhage last night. Surely death cannot be far away. My sister saw her on Saturday and says she looks absolutely ghastly, like a shrivelled up dead bird on the sea shore. She even bled from her lips. This does not look like the start of a good week.

My brother is barely able to cope and can't seem to see things straight. Both my sister and I told him he needed to sit with her today but he hadn't decided. He's still worried about my nephew but I think he also needs to say goodbye. One problem is that the hospice is totally on the other side of Sydney to where he lives. Edward could not stay at there all day, but neither of his grandparents there really like him much,(another story), and probably he wouldn't want to go there either. His friends who would very willingly look after him while my brother was away all live in his street on the uppper North Shore. However he would have to be brought back and then my brother would need to return.

My eating has been OK through this, although it really seems trivial and trite ot even consider it. I'm just cooking good, healthy food and eating reasonable small quantities of it.

As I'm not too sure of what will happen this week or if I can get back into Angelfire to update, I really can't say when the next update will be. I'll leave with a picture of the finished shawl I made for myself. It's really cosy and warm but very light. I'm making a scarf for Mya with the rest of the mohair and have started some warm socks for myself. It's probably 25 years since I knitted socks, so am well out of practice. I am also into the last of the grandchildren's jumpers, one for Mya the same as I did for her little cousin.

Thursday 17th June

SIL died yesterday morning after going into a coma the night before. I think that she let go after she had spoken to my brother about some things that were bothering her. I think that eventually the strong mind could no longer hold out over the body. She told him she was ready to move on. I have spoken to him several times and I think that all he feels at the moment is relief and I can understand that. Edward is doing OK too right now, although I think there could well be problems down the track. He has taken part in funeral plans and made some suggestions, so that is good.

The funeral is a family/invitation affair on Saturday morning. It will be held at a small church near their place and will be conducted by a friend of my brother. They went through Uni together and then he studied theoogy and was ordained. He has a small parish in the southwest of the state. Light lunch afterwards at my brother's house. I need to find some small savoury things which I can take to heat and some other finger food too. Looks like tomorrow is taken care of.

Monday, June 21st

It's been a pretty dreadful weekend here. The day of the funeral was fine, mostly, but very cold and windy. The service was only short but I froze. The back door to the church was open, letting in a freezing wind and the ceilings were at least 50' high so there was no warmth at all. Everything went OK, although Edward was extremely upset when the coffin was loaded into the hearse for the trip to the crematorium. I can understand why, everybody was sorry for him. A lot of other people atarted weeping at that point.

Practically everybody came back to the house afterwards. I had made an enormous amount of hot food and there was plenty of other stuff as well. It all disappeared except for the last of some very good sandwiches which my brother had bought from a local deli. They were wonderful sandwiches with heaps of filling, but they were very expensive. Almost $200 for about 4 trays. I think they must have charged individual, eat-in prices for every one. I would have made them, then given a discount for the quantity. One son brought a lot of wine and several cakes from a patisserie. Another came with beer and another with quiches. Others, particularly the other mothers in the street where they live provided food too. I had thrown in two litres of longlife milk as spares, but everyone else had forgotten milk and my brother uses only soy. I took sugar cubes too and left him a lot. I figured he might have visitors in the next few weeks who use it. I don't and neither does he.

A lot of Edward's friends were there and his headmaster from Knox and his class teacher too. A few younger ones. The boys played outside which was good for them to get moving.

I think I feel dreadful today as a release from the weekend. I have a cold and generally feel yucky. Several tense situations with husband and one which would have been a huge argument had I raised it. I took fright or thought better of it or whatever, and left it alone. There's some housework which is screaming to be done. I'll do the kitchen, bathroom and some washing and leave the rest a couple of days. I mean, the place already needs vacuuming. What's another day? The kitchen was making me feel worse every time I went in there. I had to do that. I've had to do some washing. Was digging around for clean underclothes this morning. Plenty of stuff in the drawer really, just I prefer others.

After three and a half weeks we had the car returned on friday evening. It now looks like new and my son is running a book called, "Guess the date of the first scratch!" Insurance repairs were over $11,000 and we paid fpr a new back bumper bar. I offered to put a star on the calendar for every scratch free month.

It's a lovely day outside. I'm going to sit in the sun.

Thursday 24th June

What a week this has been. In addition to the death and funeral of SIL, two of my sons have each moved house and of course I helped. Yesterday's move was huge and I was exhausted. We were just sitting down to a small break after 8:00pm last night when my mobile rang. DIL had another suspected bloodclot and they needed to go to the hospital for a check. The other two were in bed fast asleep but needed to be minded. So out we went, me in my dirty , smelly, moving clothes. Fortunately she was cleared of a clot, although she is not as sure as the doctor was. She'll keep a close eye on things and go straight back if she has to. She's 28 weeks pregnant with her third child. This happened at 24 weeks in the last pregnancy. As it is a recurrence, I wouldn't be surprised if they put her on warfarin this time. This will require weekly trips to Royal North Shore Hospital for checkups and also will need for her to be delivered there. She would really much rather go to the small birthing centre at Ryde which is where Tora was born. I suppose we'll just have to see what happens. I know she won't take any risks.

I slept in my dirty clothes last night on their lounge. I woke up very early this morning with a croaky throat. Probably not enough water yesterday. I was very stiff and achy and had a migraine too. And a few mouth ulcers which come when I am overtired or stressed or both. When I came home I had a big hot bath with lots of bubbles. I topped up the water when it cooled. Haven't done that for a very long time, I usually save water here with a very quick shower. Also had a doze and with some fresh clothes feel a bit better. Will take it easy tomorrow I think.

Fortunately I have some chili chicken in the freezer, I think. Cook some rice and stirfry some veges and there's a meal all ready. I was also thinking about making some kumara soup with lemongrass in it. Have to see what happens when I get in the kitchen. And then an early bed with my hot wheat pack across my shoulders, I think.

Yesterday was a glorious winter day here in Sydney, although there was a cold, strong southerly blowing. I could hardly drag myself around and my husband suggested a picnic for lunch. He had been shopping and brought home fresh rolls, chicken and coleslaw. I really didn't feel like making the effort, but pulled myself together and we went out to Abbotsford, down near the ferry wharf. There used to be a punt acrosss to Gladesville and the Great North Road, built by convicts started on its way north to Newcastle through Wiseman's Ferry and St Albans from here. The picture shows what used to be called Bedlam Point. It looks across the river to the former asylum. There's now a lovely picnic spot there and the buildings are used by the department of health.

It was really lovely as we found a spot out of the wind and sat in the sun which was quite warm. I watched the boats and the hydrofoils go past and basically relaxed. I suggested we ring my youngest son who also moved house through the week. He was home unpacking while Bec worked on Saturday so we went up. The place is nice with an enormous yard which Mya was enjoying. It has a swing set in it and she loved that too. Sometimes she's a bit "iffy" with my husband as she doesn't see him a lot. However yesterday they played together. She got in a packing case and he moved her around. Tipped it on its side, turned it over with her in it. She couldn't stop giggling. Finally she played jack-in-the-box and jumped up out of it. It was quite a relaxing afternoon and I feel much better for being made to get out.

Tuesday 29th June

I've come down with a perfectly dreadful cold and am not sure when I'll next update. I think it's a reaction to the stress and strain of the last little while. I went to bed last night at 8:00 and basically slept till 1:00 this afternoon. I feel a bit better and am trying to stay awake so I can sleep tonight. No idea what we'll eat tonight and I have no real interest in food anyway. Perhaps there is still something in the freezer which can be used. I made myself eat a tiny tin of baked beans for lunch and missed breakfast completely. All I know is that I have no plans on doing anything about it.