I had a good weekend away. It was good to be with a group of friends and just relax. We went for a decent walk on Saturday, but didn't go into the bush because of the fire danger. Actually it was not fire weather, most of the weekend was grey and misty and cool, but who takes chances these days? Saturday night we had pizza and salad. I had two small pieces. We opened several bottles of red and that was nice to just sit and talk, knowing we didn't have to then get up and drive home somewhere. That night was quite cool and I had two blankets on. I'd almost forgotten what that feels like.

This morning I feel tired and sort of "let down." There are several family problems rumbling under the surface which could erupt at any time and I feel apprehensive about that too. Don't feel like writing much more. Hopefully the next entry will be more cheerful.

Tuesday, February 4

This is how I felt yesterday. Running in circles and getting nowhere.Not physical exercise, but my brain wouldn't stop working overtime. I felt pretty terrible for a large part of the day. A large lump of impending doom in my stomach and tears on the outside. I'm certainly not a weepy person normally, but tears kept coming yesterday till I looked a real mess. Many thanks go to my piggy friends who were so compassionate and helpful. They helped me much more than they realise.

Things look brighter today. I had a good sleep too, which always helps. My piggy friends are going great guns on the weightloss side of things too. Really on a roll. I really want to get back into the swing of things like this. I'm not eating poorly, just too much and too little exercise. I can feel my head getting in the right place for it, so will keep working towards this.

Friday, 7th February

I've been wondering today how come the housework never calls my name as loudly as King Island brie or a good blue cheese or even a little Portuguese tart or a lovely lemony tart do. Strange that, isn't it. If you've been reading my recent entries, you'll know that I haven't felt wonderful. I feel heaps better today, but teh house has been somewhat neglected this week, as I struggled with other things. Now I can no longer ignore the ring around the handbasin taps or the fact that the loungeroom floor needs a thorough vacuuming. See you later.

later...

I've done some housework, not as much as I wanted and certainly not as much as needed, but ther's always tomorrow. I've also made some Chinese buns, similar to teh porl/chicken ones that I like from yumcha. Dough is a pizza base dough and each is made from the equivalent of one slice of bread, so one point for that. Then there's the filling. Brush each one with eggyolk and put on sesame seeds and cook at 200 degrees till brown. They look great.

I think we are having another picnic for dinner tonight. Husband has suddenly discovered that there are lots of nice places for a picnic less than ten minutes drive away, down on Parramatta River.

Tuesday, 11th February

I think it's Tuesday. I'm sitting here at some dreadfully early hour updating. It's still quite dark outside and I've been awake since just after 3:00am. I've had breakfast. I made some banana bread the other day to use up some bananas. It slices very thinly, so I've had two pieces toasted. I count it as 1.5 points/slice because although it is very thin, the slices are big. The recipe I used comes in three amounts, so I might use a smaller one next time.

There's been some discussion among my cyber-friends about emotional eating. Several of us have said that we would not normally say that we did that, yet have found ourselves lately just eating when we are not hungry or eating as a response to something. Now we often talk about rewarding ourselves with little non-food treats and about taking time for ourselves. However, when things blow up, whatever that may mean to each of us, it may not always be possible to give ourselves that treat or to take that time for ourselves. So what do we do? We go to the fridge, or we go out and have a coffee and a gooey cake or we try to drown our sorrows or.... I'm not trying to sound self righteous here. I'm guilty too. It's easy to do something like that. It doesn't require planning and it's immediate.

I can see all this. I'm not sure of what to do about it or of what the answer really is. Attacking the root cause of the problem is one answer. Not easy. We don't live in a vacuum and other people affect us, as do our circumstances, often when we don't expect it and aren't prepared. Some of us have young children who are sometimes the cause of the problem and also prevent us doing anything to cope immediately with how we feel. Others have paid jobs and are busy. I can just see a boss watching in amazement as one of us says we are taking some "time out" so we don't eat! I don't think so.

As I said, I don't have the answers to this. Do we need to learn to tell our inner selves that we will do... at a certain time? A carrot before us??? Personally, I think that would wear thin fairly quickly. Perhaps better planning is part of the answer. If we find someting that will help satisfy us, then perhaps we can plan to have that available. I don't know. I'm floundering here. Something to think about.

Wednesday, 12th February

I managed another hour's sleep last night. Slept till 4:00am. Again, I'm updating while it is still very early. This is getting a bit tiresome, to say the least.

We've been going out after dinner for a couple of weks. we drive down to Parramatta River, find a pleasant spot and sit and watch the water for a while. My husband has been home at a more reasonable hour from work, for a change. Many times it's between 7-8:00pm when he's home. Sometimes i have packed a picnic and we've had it on some rocks or a wharf. We've found quite a few pretty spots. I knew the area was there, of course, but not the access to the river. Last night we sat next to the Drummoyne Sailing Club at Birkenhead Point. I don't know if if was a race or more like a parade, but we watched about 150 yachts come up from the harbour direction around a buoy and then past the club. Very relaxing, but I still didn't sleep properly.

We had vegetable stirfry last night. I don't think my husband was too impressed. He likes his meat, although always maintains that he could be a vegetarian. I stirfried a lot of vegetables in a pan with some spray. Celery, onion, shallots, ginger, garlic, carrot, capsicum, snake beans, asparagus, zuccini and some boc choy. Stirred in some soy sauce, and a bit of oyster and black bean sauces at the end and about a a teaspoon of sesame oil. Very simple but it was really nice served with some rice. Then had a punnet of blueberries. Low points and very filling as I had more rice than I normally would. Only points were for a share of the sesame oil, the rice and blueberries.

My mother and sister want me to go to Forster with them for a few days on Friday. they are housesitting a place on the beach for a friend. Unfortunately, my husband has, against my wishes, volunteered our place for an American speaker next week. I was told it was for one night only, but now it may be more. However, all this is still up in the air, and I don't know if the guy is coming, and I can't get any sense from anyone about it. A bit rude, if you ask me. My husband keeps telling me to go, but I feel uneasy about the situation. Still don't know what I am going to do. I'll have to make up my mind today, as I am babysitting tomorrow and will catch the train to Taree from Hornsby on Friday if I do go. That means I will have to pack tonight and will also have to book a seat today.

Mum and sister were going to be there for three weeks. However, yesterday my sister received notice from the hospital that her second breast reconstruction will be next Thursday. As she's been waiting over two years for this, she can't postpone it. This is a much lesser operation than the first reconstruction, which was nearly ten hours long. She nearly died in that one when an artery which had been rerouted, didn't work at first. That was a total reconstruction where she had had the mastectomy before. This one will reduce the other breast so they match. She's actually looking forward to it. I can't imagine how uncomfortable she has been. First reconstruction was for health reasons not beauty. She was very lopsided and had headaches and a bad back and shoulders becuse of it. Since she had it, she's still been uncomfortable. Can you imagine one side being 18C and the other 14B? She's only just seen the cancer specialist for another checkup. He doesn't want to see her for a year, so that's good news. This one is done by a plastic surgeon with lots of experience in this field.

Might update later today. If I don't get round to it, and I DO go away, then it will be next Wednesday before I'm back in here again.

Thursday morning, 4:00am

I arrived home from Forster late Tuesday. I had a great time. I spent quite a lot of it lazing around or reading. I bought four secondhand books at the RSL shop at Hornsby Station fo $4. Read most of them. I had a few swims and went for a few walks. We ate very heathily most of the time, although I did have iced coffee twice at a nice little coffee shop in Forster. Delicious. I used to drink this a lot but haven't had any for about two years now. I wouldn't go back to having it regularly because it is now far too rich for me, but at a holiday it was certainly a treat.

We ate ate home except for Monday when we had a fish lunch at the Wallis Lakes Fish Co-op. I chose grilled fish with a honey/mustard sauce, salad and chips. I rarely eat chips but had about six of these. Best chips I have tasted in a very long while. Full of flavour, crisp and extremely well drained so they weren't greasy at all. I'm not a real fan of potatoes. I'd rather pasta or rice or couscous.

Since returning home, my awful sleeping habits have returned. I think it's partly stress. I have to go to the doctor for a script in the next couple of weeks, so will mention it to him. I've been awake since 3:00am. I'm minding grandaughter today again, and really need to have all my wits about me. She's not naughty, but is a very active two year old.

My sister's operation is today and possibly I have been worried about that, deep down. She has to be at the hospital at 11:30, so is able to have breakfast by 7:00am.

Think I'll go have my shower and wash my hair, in preparation for a long day. My husband is going to Albury tomorrow for the weekend, so I'll probably sleep better then. I'm going with my friend to see The Two Towers on Friday. We waited till school went back, so theatre wasn't full of screaming children.

Sunday, February 23rd

I've had a lovely quiet weekend. Husband has been in Albury, so it has been quiet here. He rang an hour ago to say he was leaving Canberra. I tried to tell him to take a break, but I'm sure he'll think, "It's only three hours home," and come straight through. I don't think he can have had much of a break from Albury to Canberra, going on the time he left there. Still, it's his life, although he has others in the car with him. I changed the sheets on Friday night. This is something I always do whenever he goes away. He moves around a lot and a freshly made bed can look next morning as if he rolled the sheets around him. Have had two really good sleeps, which is a nice change.

I went to see The Two Towers on Friday with my friend. We both enjoyed it immensely, despite the fighting in it. Liberties taken with what Tolkien wrote, but I just have to accept that. Peter Jackson has done a tremendous job putting such an epic to film. Even with some digital enhancement, the scenery from the south island of New Zealnd was magnificent. We had coffee afterwards and I had a small Portuguese tart with it as I had missed lunch because of the time of the film. A really pleasant afternoon and we sat and taked for quite a while.

My sister came home yesterday. Three hour operation on Thursday afternoon and home on Saturday morning. As she said, she is not ill requiring nursing and medication. She just needs pain killers and rest and will get that at home. She's in quite a deal of pain, but knows that will pass.

I've decided to try eating a bit more protein. I think points will work out about the same. I'm eating too much bread, rice cakes etc and then don't have points for everything else I should be eating to have a balanced diet. I had two pieces of toast, no butter, with a small pouch of tuna for breakfast and have had two poached eggs for lunch. I couldn't eat eggs every day. No cholesterol problems, mine is very low, but I am not a big fan of eggs and could go weeks without eating one. I'm certainly not getting as hungry as I have been. I'll give this a go for a couple of weeks and see how I feel. I still intend to have carbohydrates, just not as many.

Thursday,27th February

Here it is, Thursday again, and again I'm updating early. It's just after 5:00am and I have been up since 4:00. I should have got up at 2:00 and gone to the bathroom but was determined to make myself wait. I would have gone back to sleep again properly then, instead of being bothered by stupid dreams about toilets flushing all the time! So I've had my breakfast and am having the plunger of coffee that I don't usually have time for on Thursday mornings.

It certainly doesn't seem like it is four days since I was last in here. Don't know where the time goes. I'm off babysitting Mya again today and have a hair appointment for tomorrow at DIL's salon at St Ives. My hair has been growing really quickly lately and I am amazed how long it is. It doesn't seem as long as it is because it is very curly. As the curls get longer, it gets thicker and thicker. Needs a new colour too.

Protein? It's been going well. I've always been able to last till lunch. It's the late afternoon which is a danger period. This week, I have had salad with cheese, 2 points worth. I've weighed it. I've also had, on a couple of days, one of the small pouches of tuna. With this, I've had a big salad and four rice thins. I haven't been tempted to have anything around five o'clock, so that's good. I'm not one of those who would be satisfied with ten rice crackers for one point then. I don't mind them, but would want something on them, or some dip. Otherwise they would just be an appetiser, not something to tide me over. I've been eating lots of fruit too. I love summer fruit and have had plums, peaches and nectarines this week. I find apples and oranges fairly boring, particularly as I don't eat Delicious apples which have such a large share of the market now. I buy a few of the other varieties and eat them. Then my husband will remember that i have been eating them when he goes to the markets as he does far too frequently. He'll proudly say, "I brought you some apples home. The sort you like." And I'll find he has a whole box full when I buy three or four. He just does not get it, no matter what I say. He does it with other things too. There are now only two of us here, not five or even seven adults as we had at one time.

If fish is good for weight loss, then I'm on the right track this week. I've had a lot of seafood. I notice I had tuna last Sunday for breakfast. I've had two tuna salads for lunch this week. I made a Thai type dish with lots of coriander and lemongrass for dinner the other day. That had a lot of prawns and some marinara mix. Last night we did a massive shop. Haven't done a grocery shop for four weeks and needed a lot of things. My arthritis was playing up yesterday in the humidity and I was very tired by the time I got it all away. We had dinner down by the river and bought fish from Ocean Foods at Drummoyne. They call themselves the "best fish in the universe." Don't know about that, but it is very good. None of the precooked, reheated stuff. You choose the piece from the huge display and they grill, BBQ or fry it with either crumbs or batter. I chose a fish skewer, BBQd. It had prawns, scallops, calamari, mussels and two thick pieces of fish about ten cm square. All coated with spices and herbs and BBQd. No chips, although I did have just a few of my husband's. I had plenty of points spare for dinner, so would have been fine. It was delicious. We found a table down by the river with a good view and no wind. Only downpoint was being threatened by the gulls, demanding some of my dinner. Several tried flying onto the table to squawk at me in a demanding manner. They didn't get anything. It was far too good to share.

I was shopping at just the right time last night. I followed the guy around who was marking down the meat, and I got a lot of very good bargains which I have frozen. I've been making a big effort lately to use things from the freezer and clear it out. I had plenty of room and I think I bought about 17 packs of meat, with portions for two people. I got a big tray of scotch fillet steak, which we both like for $12. This I have divided into three meals for us. A small piece for me and a bigger piece for him. Everything else was small trays. Some cornfed chicken bread, lamb stirfry strips and a heap of other things.

I also stocked up on other low point foods, so I have no excuses. I shopped in Coles and was going to buy WW cottage cheese, but they didn't have any. I checked the labels and bought some Bulla instead which is lower in fat, I think, and cheaper than WW. Actually, I bought the farmland brand which must be Bulla. Same containers and exactly the same nutritional panel as the Bulla, and cheaper. WW doesn't always have the best buy or points. there is often something lower in points and most certainly cheaper.

I think I'll try and write more frequently here. This has been a long entry. Off to have a shower and get ready for the two-year-old. I leave home at 7:00am. I still have a big bruise right across my shin where she ran her doll's stroller into me. I thought it was an accident but her father told me later that she had been doing it on purpose. I'm going to show her the bruise today and tell her she did it. It's far too late to be cross with her about it, but I think she should see what she did. She's not a naughty thing usually.