Special Me

I'm the only person in the world who can fall in love. Love is the invisible goddess whose beauty can only be felt in truth. I'll be true true true to all my words and I'll enslave myself to the right. The right of all the world! The universe!!!! his name is his name and i love him... he called me rose, he called me his love... i heard it, i even have a recording... lol psycho right? but how can one taste and never taste again.. swear and not carry through? Not I! I love and i love and i love over and over again... and i'll keep on loving because it is the only real thing. Where reason can be found.

I wanted to write some inspirational bull-it, but i can't be inspired right now. i'm kind of wishy washy, like whoa i'm all yehaww... yeah i just want to grow up! I want to give away eight years of my life and be done, i want to be on my own, and maybe fall in love again, but "i'll never fall in love again, don't tell me what it's all about, because i've been there and i'm glad i'm out, all of those things, those things about you, and now that i'm back, i'm here to remind you, what do you get when you fall in love?" ~~Burt Backarack

haha!! I'm watching pokemon... fun fun fun!!... NOT! almost done

so think about this... A petition against food... "I don't want you idly sitting by in my stomach just to go out through this little hole in the bottom and into this long dry tunnel where you find out that you can lose some poundage as I inhale all your nutrients and you just keep on slipping down into a stank little hell until you come flying out of me totally spent and I flush you out to COney Island and you become... my next meal" So I say KEEP AWAY food... you're little lies are all full of shit anyways =P

"storm keeps on twisting"- angel. sarah mckaofjkgnoj... yeah that one singer you know? either i'm the stupidest teenager alive... or... i'm not really within the great boundaries of exsistance. When someone realizes a truth about life, are they supposed to share it? and if and when they do does anybody listen? I can answer the last one... no. no no no. no one listens, no one cares, no one gives the time to the begger on the courner who just wants to know if the restaraunt has closed yet so that he can go and dig through their garbage. I could be the best thing that could happen to someone, someday, just not today, not ever before. I'm still waiting. I'm waiting for some feeling i guess. the type that no one ever really experiences. that maybe i just haven't been lucky enough for. i'll never live up to her. i'll never live up to her long black hair, her short legs and her dark eyes. her special mystique... something i'll never know. but why should i have to change myself so much? i wonder... sacrifice is peace sacrifice is peace, love is war and sacrifice is peace! so long self, I welcome you to your new goal of becomming some one else, to live someone else's life, all in a lie of truth

Welcome... kill me

Why hello everybody, who's nobody, who is visiting my site and noticed that I haven't updated in forever time... YAY,,.... She's alive!!!!! (praise me, worship me...)

Anyways.. It's winter break, boring as hell... I told all my friends that they were annoying and to fuck off once again... My brother is away which means happy home alone, except for now, because I'm at the library... I miss my moth!!

Right Right... So, I really miss my computer... all people should try to talk to me... I miss all my old friends, not the newer ones that got me involved with drugs sex and alcohol, that was so insanely boring... I miss the ones that gave me music and horses. neighhhhh!!! Ummm I love the new love... HELLO IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!!!!! guess not... I love the new love anyways. He's spectacular spectacular!! muah, hug, kiss kiss!!! aren't i such the girl today... well well well, I'm allowed to do and say as i wish, this being my personal website.. right? right...

ok, so... I quit eating beef and am now studying music, poetry, and eastern religions... It's vast and great fun. My new personality seems to some as an effect of experimentation with certain substances, but I shall prove them wrong, yes that means you and you little ms. I can't respect you and little mr. "i'm god so bow down to me even though I'm retarded" Do me a favor and get a life that doesn't involve excessing over me thank you!!!

I wish I could update with pictures and poetry, but I didn't bring the right notebook.. Maybe I'll improv... well I'm sick of writing so farewell, leave me some love in the guestbook.... your internet anonomous

My moth finally died, it lived three happy days in his little jar, happy happy, making me happy. I think it's totally possible to like some one a little more than a lot, but a lot less than love. My shrink gave me a cd thingy to meditate by sort of. I haven't listen to it yet, but it's only 1130, i'm sure i'll get to it... the cd i'm listening to right now is making me feel in a mental high. I'm totally happy, but would like to be elsewhere as always. Not here, not now. I want a tree that smells like a tree, not smog, trust me there's a difference... one day maybe you'll all learn. (sigh) everything feels soooo good, you have no idea. yay, so I'm running out of thoughts presently, so I'm going to desert you for the moment, my head waves are driving me insane. Yesterday I saw a pink unicorn and today i heard voices at walmart. I'm going mad, I swear!!! save me...

I love vampires, I've been watching scary movies and stuff, especially about vampires all night. It's great fun!! check out the new poems!!

I wrote this for you, referring to one of the two, on Saturday night at the show:
"What's going on when all the world is so depressed and every single being replaces true love with pain and tears.
People are scared, I'm f___ing scared... Aren't you?
I feel so used.
I only wish that I knew what was really going on inside your head, so blue.
I wish all would become new, like a bleached white T-shirt that was stained with something horrible.
What now, what now,
for how, oh how,
do I go on?"

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so depressed, but I'm so happy, but I'm so confused. I want to say one thing, do another and then see something else happen. For example: I really want to say yes, but I want my friend back, but I want to see myself doing something else with someone else. This is why I think so lowly of myself. I'm not even sure if it's because I can't make up my mind, I don't know what I want, or if I'm simply actually in love with some man, boy, or person that lingers in the background of everything. I've seen him everywhere and it's really starting to scare me. I'm going crazy. He's my flying antelope, because the dingos grew exceptionally large ears. I want him to be smiling because of me, not at me, with his new girlfriend I assume... but maybe I hurt him too, I don't know. I'm so freaking crazy. Who am I to even think about such past happenings. You're supposed to learn from the past. Not try to relive it every single chance you get. I'm so messed up. I tried talking to one person, but it didn't settle me at all. I want to talk to one other, but I'm so afraid to pick up anything about it. Then again, maybe I'm not supposed to talk to anyone at all. That isn't what people are put on earth to do. They aren't supposed to listen to what I have to say. I have nothing to say that honestly concerns any one person out there in the world. Except to myself. I can talk to myself whenever I feel like it. Myself will listen. Myself will understand, everything. We could have our own little language. No one else will be able to speak me. I saw american wedding. It was beautiful. I wish things happened like that, but the whole movie is so bogus. Don't get your dreams up, haha, what dreams?

"i'll go home and de-bunny" Bridget jones is great. That is sort of how I felt tonight. I guess. I'm just like every teenager out there, right? But I feel so, alone. Even in a room full of people I know and am talking to. "I was sad, because I closed my eyes and had a good dream, and none of you were there." I didn't go baking this morning, but got my hair cut after the plumber left. I told the hair person what I wanted, nothing what I got. I really don't like it, don't care how many feaux compliments I get. I rode a skateboard again today and didn't fall down. so fun... so sad and lonely. Why can't I have what I want? I think that it's completely obvious "that you can't always get what you want, oh no, you can't always get what you want" singing in my head oh lovely. I saw so many people tonight, but I don't think that it was satisfying enough for me. Two weeks ago, I sat in the same place for a long time and only the people who work at the concert talked to me, with the exception of the picture guy. Hiding you could almost say, but then again, idk... I'm so confused. What do I do now? What am I doing here? Where am I and how did I get here? hmmmmmmm Tonight I was more out-going, but I felt like a whore. It was fun, sort of. But everything I did felt almost totally wrong, except for one thing... It was nice. I was really rather shocked. Last night I run into two long gone no ones anymore and tonight I "run" into people I regret hurting, if that's what I've done. I should ask them. I scare myself. I think about one person, but then that person sort of turns into another, one of their friends of course, which turns into one of their friends, but a girl even a blond isn't going to have that much fun... It all seems to revolve around one person who was impossible, but happened, a real shocker. Sadly, I fear that I will compare this person to everyone I ever meet, for like, the rest of my life... AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I forgot to forget about him. poopy, person poopy. One person tonight, whom I used to actually like, I hate now. Isn't this amazing. Your best friends turn into suicidal exes... hmmmmm Naturally he's quite lucky he didn't say anything to me, for I would have given him quite a sight for an eye... sorry mann, I just can't stand you anymore. Not after some of the things you've said to me. NOt after you made me cry, especially in front of you, you're quite lucky that I'm a good actress... ha... freak, kill this pathetic welp already. grr arr... I'm sick of myself, so fickle, so valley. I feel me, but i don't... someone help me... I'm lost and I can't find my way back to the true reality, even the one where the world doesn't make sense... so lost,... so dazed,... so confused... Wish I could just understand, but that's not happening until anyone knows, I bet God knows. I shouldn't even bet. But I still don't know. Maybe I should say, I' wonder if God knows. Or simply does God know... WHo cares? idk... "stop [typing] full stop" @-->

There is a leak in my bathroom. I'm so angry. My mom is so hanus. She asks for my help then she calls me annoying. How can you not hold a flashlight right? It was perfect. So stressed out so stressed out. My day:
Woke up and not in my bed, horrid
tanned
interrupted
lunch with mother dearest,... again
recieve the "i'm being published" letter
no one's home, believe me, I probably called you, unless you're a guy that isn't gay, or I don't have your phone number
see the movie, "Bend it like Beckham" funny
come home to a leak in my bathroom
stress
run to walmart to pick up "fix-it-yourself" kits... MY MOM'S AN IDIOT!!
run into the most unsuspected characters, who are totally awesome
am now home, wishing were dead or just listening to very morbid music, neither possible, but highly desirable.
Tomorrow:
I get to act totally crazy assuming my ex will be at the big baklava gettogether...
haircut please please, otherwise i'm sneaking out to the store to buy hair color...
concert, where will hopefully run into mass of people
unwillingfully sleep
SUNDAY
back to church, again... yay
we'll see
wish me luck on all my up and coming adventures, i'm really going to need it, and by the way... I have stumbled upon a hopeless wonderment. I think that I'm really in an impossible love... Stupid really. Completely out-dated, and I've seen him kissing another girl. I'm really crazy. Maybe it really is lust, but isn't lust supposed to burn out quickly. This had a future flash with it. REally quite scary. But then again, when old people are coming up to you and planning your engagement at 16, who wouldn't freak out, I did. This is why I'm alone. I think. I'm not ugly... I hope. If someone is so small-minded that they believe that they can come and call for you after sleeping around a lot, would they momentarily break your heart so that you can be reunited, like REALITY wise? That's what it looks like, seriously though... BUt then again, I suppose that you have to be well, Greek to fully understand. I'm so lost and confused. I wish that I only knew why. Then I could stop making excuses, for why I'm so undesirable, even though I shouldn't be. I wish there was someone out there I could trust to talk about this with. Right now it is really important for me to understand, because it's all that I can think about, give me a few days and the thoughts will have thinned and become less vivid, dangerous. I've got to move on... chow

I'm so bored. I'm listening to all my cds backwards alphebetically. sad umm, no one's home, and the rest don't want to hang with ME of all people, so maybe I'll think of nice little ways to kill myself and get this worthless and boring life fulfilled finally with the final destiny (death). SOunds exciting. I didn't just give up today, I actually called people, but nope. I sat at the skate park too. This guy fell on his butt, when he was the only person there, and then when I was leaving he yelled goodbye to me. That little money taking boy was there again. I didn't let him take any money this time though. I think the skatepark would be more fun if older boys went. I always feel like a babysitter while I'm there. Pity... Cafeteria crap chicken sandwich. gross. randomness that sent me home with asthma, why can't people just show a small bit of excitement when you call them... AT ALL???!?!? so stressed out. kill me faster because life is all one big disaster.

I admire the courage of those who brave the world one day at a time. When at work the still consider their customers as a possibility. SO I saw Pirates of the Carribean right? I was watching the movie, WiTH mY MoM, and this guy comes up to me, you know, the ticket collector, and I swear that I believed that he was going to kick me out for something or another, even though I had done absolutely nothing wrong. It was very scary. He comes up to me, sits down, and says, "Can I see you sometime this weekend, uh I uh mean, this week, sometime, Can I see you sometime this week maybe?" nerve babe, nerve. That's what I say. Right in front of my mom and the entire movie theater. So then he asks for my number and as I'm writing it down on his pale hand, he's shaking. I wish more people just had the simple courage to say something at all. TO tell someone if they like them, or if they don't. To turn down an invitation openly and not just not show up. To engage in whatever feelings you're feeling and just live it through. I wish I wish I wish. I am jealous of the people who can do anything so freely. They don't care if they get hurt. It was something to experience. The only thing in life for anyone to lose is their life. This is something that isn't going to disapear because the boy next door won't look at you in your bikini, or your best friend ceases to awknowledge your existance. This is lost from personal decisions, good or bad, and fate. Lovesome fate. So my voice calls out to everyone in the world who wanted to say or do something, but didn't. I hope that you find the courage to keep trecking on your path. I hope you find what you're looking for, but most of all I hope that you forget about yourself for five minutes and take the time to look around and ask yourself, is there something I want right now that I'm too afraid to do? If there is, do it damnit. Most heartbreak happens because a person was too afraid to speak up. So be heard. Even I am listening. I am still a person. I'm not just these words on my site. I live the best I can try to do. Best wishes to those out there, and you've inspired me to open my eyes, when it seemed they couldn't be. You've restored hope and poise. Thank you.

I feel so held back and restrained. All I ask for is a moment or two of freedom. I'd almost kill for it, no one importnant, don't worry, but you know. I'm so annoyed with everything. I just wish it would all disappear and then I can just veg. Vegging sounds fun. NO water, no blah blah blah that has anything to do with rowing. And no bugs. I feel sort of bad, because I wasn't tired, I could have sort of kept going. Then the dog pukes, gross... So it's saturday night, and i'm missing syntrap, haha!! Tomorrow is nasty and monday is the fair. What's up for the rest of the week? rowing... Except for Friday, hmmm, what'll I do friday? anyone not busy, or just simply home and want to hang out, online, movie, whatever. schweet haha!! how pathetic is that? Saturday is the "big" concert that will be more boring than 12 hours of rowing. Just wait and see, I prophesize it all. By the way, it's really only for me. weeeeeeee. I've been writing crap recently, no motivation. I feel like crap, need the "five minute pick-me-up," which is make-up and won't do anything for how I feel anyway, but it sounds bold, daring, and dirty. Story:
Driving up north, all us girls are playing the "try to see how many people we can get to wave at us game". It was pretty fun until all of everything happened. Those silly perverted college hotties, you know how the story goes. So we wave at this car, and because I'm so damn pretty, I smile, haha, and do my new little "I love love" sign. It's beautiful, you should see it. Driving along... The big ass SUV pos slows down and shoves a sign out the window. At first glance I assumed that it said, "vain." wrongo!! It read "VAGINA!!" So utterly ticked off, I flicked the bird and made every girl in our car blush, but that wasn't the end of it. This guy right, this fat ugly guy, decides that the proper response to the site of my middle finger, is to show his butt off. Window down, pants off, butt out. gross. That still wasn't the end, we made a sign that read, "tan your butt and don't do crack," so we speed up in our honda to catch them. We caught them, and before we got our sign in the window, we got another mooning. You must understand that this guy had the ugliest butt in the whole wide world. It was flabbing around in the wind and it was all red and pimply, but pale as a ghost. Oh yuk yuk yuk!!!! and i'm so stressed out so stressed out. Nightmares!! Attack of the flaming butt cheecks!!! everybody run!! So we did, but nope, they've gotta pass us one more time, but no butts were seen in the final line, we won by a line sign that humiliated their egos!! This is the inner workings of my brain. The way it goes. So there's a funny story. I did it, I finally did it!! pat me on the back. love the love mann and keep on thinking of me and my mochas!!

I know that no one wants to read about the utterly depressing and morbid topics that seem to be the only such things that I talk about, but you have to remember that this is a site for me, not you. If you want to see happy things, make your own site, that isn't what here is for. I didn't ask to be who I am, but it's all that I can be. I believe that if you can't understand that, then you shouldn't even attempt a friendship or an aquantance with me. I try to be happy and not "scary." I don't succeed, because I look like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I don't fit in. I don't fit in here, or there. I should be hiding in a corner, staying away from everybody, because I wouldn't hurt myself that way. I shouldn't have AIM, because then people can't try to blow me off over the pathetic internet. I'm seeing a shrink now, and if you really want the truth, I don't think it makes one difference. I feel exactly the same as I did when I was twelve years old holding a knife to my chest. I'm alone and I always will be, and the main point of it all is, that I care. I thought I wanted all those things that make people happy, but when I realized that it would be an even bigger disapointment for myself personally, I gave up hope. That was a long time ago. I understand now why people don't want to be around me. I guess it's ok. I'm going to stop pestering all of you.

I don't really know what to talk about in here, so I suppose that I'll just ramble on like I always do. It's kind of fun, you should try it sometime. My brother called last night from the number one place I'd kill to be right now, but I can't get there!! :( Bye Lida!! I'll never see you again, even though I haven't seen you in like, three years. I have resorted to frequently using the word like, it pleases me. I had a mocha today. I thought of myself. It was so pensive. Haha, probably used that wrong. bite me!! I don't actually care. School isn't happening now, even though I went there today. The stupid counselors are taking a week of vacation, which means that I can't get a job for two weeks. I need one so bad. Plus, it looks a little fun, obviously I have nothing better to do during the normal day other than, changing this, which in other words is talking to myself, sleeping, reading, tanning, and I've done all of them so much that each has been labelled as excessively boring. I need either a new hobby or a job. I am choosing job, and it's no paper-route this time! I'm applying at two places and I hope that they both call me back so that I can choose between them. (hahahaha!!) I'm addicted to water. Too much physical activity: walking to rowing, rowing, walking down town, walking home, walking around wherever my mom wants to go after work. Oh horrible food, I am so sick of Red Lobster. Why can't we eat at Wongs, or Michaels, or the City Cafe or something. Red Lobster Red Lobster Red Lobster, yuk!! No offense, I love you and all, I'm just unsatisfied with your presence in my diet. Now water and coffee/espresso, mmmmmmm!! haha!! "Some might look at her and think she's addicted." Well if you're thinking of a mocha, you should get me one, meaning you come and see me. haha, look at how mean I am, oh but you know I love you!! @--> tell me a funny little joke, I want to hear a joke, because I can't think of any!!

Have a nice day